I don't wanna talk about my weight today. Why? Because it didn't change, and I know if I do, I'll only feel judged, so I'm just going to go with what's in my heart right now.
It's not a coincidence that I had been "meaning to" read the book Heaven Is For Real, but finally checked it off my to-do list yesterday. It was the shaking of shoulders, banging of head on table, a-ha moment (or few hours, rather) that I needed. I purchased the book on Amazon for just a couple of dollars - I feel stingy after receiving so much more than I gave - and read it on my phone last night, until I was finished. I literally couldn't put it down, and if Colton, the boy whose experience was described in this book, lived down the street from me I'd probably annoy the crap out of him with incessant questions.
What I gained from reading this book was a quenched thirst. For so many years, as a strong believer in God, and as a Christian, too often I found myself in doubt, with so many questions that made me question my own unwaivering faith. I often wonder, if I could even entertain the thought of there not being a Heaven, how could I consider myself as having been saved? If I got annoyed when going to churches that pushed so hard for people to be saved, so much that it took away from the actual message, how could I consider myself a good person? Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't appreciate it and wish for everyone to be so lucky, I just think it can get a bit excessive and loses it's meaning when it's drilled so often. I feel bad even typing that, but that's just how I feel. I was 12 when I was saved, and I know full and well that Jesus has set up a humble abode in my heart since then, that's all I need.
All of that said, what I was getting at, was that I believe, and I do have faith, and I do know that I'll get where I'm going when it's time. But I guess curiosity is just such a festering thing, that I constantly find/found my mind wandering, wondering what it would be like in heaven. I definitely feel like a lot of my questions were answered. I have a kind of renewed faith from the most unlikely source - a child named Colton who is as young as my God daughter and whom I've never met in my life. The things he said and the emotions his parents portrayed for him in the book were awe inspiring. I literally laughed, cried and prayed during the entire thing.
This couldn't have come at a better time. At a time when I've been questioning a lot of things. My faith's been tested so many times and I've been at my wits end, hit rock bottom and all but fallen down, defeated. Every time I've felt like there was no way things could get any worse, I worked up my resillience and I realized, things could only get better. The fact that I am at the place mentally, spiritually and physically that I am right now, is all the validation I need. The proof is in the puddin.
So now that I have had a come to Jesus moment... I feel refreshed and better able to talk to God in a humble manor. Thinking back, I can't help but giggle at some of the things I've asked Him to grant me with. Things that I knew He didn't want for me, but that I thought I so desperately needed at the time. He's really got a great sense of humor if you ask me.
Last bit about the book and then I'm done. The part that really struck a chord with me was the fact that Colton vividly described, and could identify members who had passed even decades before him, who he had never met or even known about. Through tears, it gave my soul such peace to know that I would someday get to finally meet PawPaw Page, get to rub Buster's belly, and get to crack jokes with Kevin again. Not that I'm in any rush to get there, but I'm not nearly as afraid of death as I used to be. I still don't want anyone to go too soon, but I know that the next time someone dear to me goes, rather than continue to grieve, I'll know how lucky they truly are. I think this is a huge step in my healing process from all the loss I've experienced in my life.
Well, that's mostly what was on my heart, and now I'm having trouble remembering what else it was I was thinking about before I started writing. So many things.
I've been thinking a lot about the kind of person I am. I'm the kind of girl who smiles at a stranger on the street, even if they refuse to make eye contact until they're a foot away from me. If someone drops something, I pick it up for them without hesitation. I hold elevators even if I'm running late. I return phone calls asap. I give out genuine compliments like candy. I find peace in sleeping babies and joy in their laughter. I drop everything to hang out with people I care about - when they ask. I make every effort to keep in contact with people and feel incredibly guilty when I realize I've dropped the ball. I listen - I may not always have advice, or give the best advice, but I'd rather someone put their burdens on me than keep them to themselves. I'm the girl who has more friends than I know what to do with and a few people who hate me for it. I'm the girl who can relate to the celebrity who sometimes, unfathomably, feels alone. I'm the girl who gets taken for granted.
I have totally felt sorry for myself recently. Like, with some friendships I feel like I put in so much effort, and get nothing in return. Which is fine, until it becomes routine, then it just gets old, and I give up. I don't like giving up on friendships, that's just not in my nature. And please don't take this personally if you think I'm talking about you, maybe just reflect a little.. like I am. But at some point it just gets exhausting to be so positive and optimistic all the time. I wouldn't change that part of me for a million bucks, but sometimes I think I need to get real. But to me, getting real makes me sad. I guess I can just add that to the list of things I don't like about growing up.
I think I'm starting to realize just how much I've grown up in the past couple of years. Maturity hasn't ever really been much of a problem (give or take an immmature mistake or 5), this goes along with that yearning to be [like] my sister. Precocious people annoy me to no end, so I've tried to find a good balance. Sometimes it's hard, when you're dealing with the public or just people in general. But that's part of what being tactful is all about. I just sometimes wish others had more of that trait. Facebook is a prime example of tactlessness. I love that my mom monitors me and tells me when I'm not being a lady ;)
If I were more diligent, I probably wouldn't say have the things I do in this blog, but I want to remember the ah-ha moments, the turning points, the frustrations, and the led downs so that when things are really great, or really crappy, I can appreciate that they could always be better or worse.
As of right now I'm kind of in a "everything's going to be okay" mindset. I've got a strong backbone these days and I cant' see myself crumbling at the feet of anyone, any time soon. Not that I'm invincible or don't still have bad days, but they're so much less frequent now, and I forget to take advantage of that alone. My worries are so trivial compared to what I used to worry about, or what anyone else at any given moment is going through.
I've come to realize that life can literally change in the blink of an eye. I can't tell you how many times just in the past week I've stopped to think, wow.. what if..?, not as in, what if I get hit by a bus... but as in, wow.. what if they hadn't called? What if they had never even thought of me again? What if they had never entered my life? Idk, I'm talkin crazy talk now, but I've really been doing a lot of deep thinking lately, and I kinda like it.
NMW,
<3
PS: Easter at the beach was amazing as usual. I loveee my family :)
March 23, 2010 my life changed in an amazing way. This is my Lap-Band (weight loss surgery) experience from start to present...
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Little bunny foo foo!
I'm going to eat a bunch of chocolate and candy this weekend, and you can't stop me.
NMW,
<3
NMW,
<3
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Letter to the Editor, 1 year post-op!
Hey girl heyyyyy!
Lookatchu! Gettin all slim and junk! Bustin up in the 160's like it ain't no thang. Whoop whoop! You have come sooo far. For realz. In less than 13 months you're almost AT your 36 month goal, boo! GETCHU SOME!
Okay okay, in all seriousness, you're amazing. How many times have you heard that word in the past year? It never gets old. Funny how that works. It's not like compliments were all that scarce before, but they were different. They mostly pertained to material posessions and inner beauty, don'tcha think? Now it's like you're finally being seen from the outside - in.. if that makes any sense. Like, the outside it starting to match the inside. Sure it's not perfect, it never will be, it's not supposed to be. It's unique and it's got flaws but it's still got a lot of cushioning for your heart. ;)
Your heart. Oh my. It's crazy what you've put it through. It's brilliant and it's disturbing, it's wrenching and it's inspiring. It's been busted into a million pieces, but somehow it always manages to mend itself, maybe it takes a while, but none the less, resilience is bountiful. This is probably the only part of your body you're okay with not losing.
Remember how scared you were that your personality would change? I don't think you have a thing to worry about. I honestly believe you've only become more happy and your true self has started to shine even more. Sure you still make mistakes and can probably be annoying sometimes, but whatevs. It makes you human. I'm glad that you don't spend nearly as much time moping and feeling sorry for yourself. You used to pull that crap a lot.
Numerous hours have been saved from complaining about your body constantly. You've grown to appreciate your curves, as they're not quite so badonkadonk-ish. Remember when you hated your body? You wouldn't admit it, but you did. Seems like just yesterday. Remember looking at strangers who were bigger (or maybe the same size or smaller than your in denial self!) than you, and thinking.... "I hope I don't look like that," or "I hope I don't get that big." Shame. On. You. I mean, you have to appreciate your honesty. But jeez. How rude!
There's no telling how many people looked at you that way when you were at 245. Who knows? Who cares? Maybe they still do! Sooo whatttt. They deserve it if they do. ;) Wonder how many people hope to look like you now? That's something to think about. It's funny, when you quit judging yourself, you quit judging others. It was like a lightbulb. You quit blaming yourself for being overweight, so you quit blaming others for being overweight. You realized that everyone has a story, and that it's not up to you to decide whether they "got themselves into the predicament," or not. Maybe they're fast food junkies, but you DON'T KNOW THAT! Assume = ass + u + me. I'm so glad to see the turnaround you've made mentally, even if no one knows it but you.
Remember how you hoped to be able to play more with the babies and run around and not get winded? Check. The beach will be soo much fun this summer, and running around with Kaylee won't induce a comatose nap. The heat, maybe, but not because you're still so insulated. I guarantee you won't secretly hope that someone will want to drive the 2 blocks to the beach entrance rather than walk with all the "stuff." It won't bother you one bit! Bike rides with Dad? Okay! Wagon walks with Mason & Graham? Yes, please. The bathingsuits you have are too big now, woman, so go get some new ones! Seriously. Stop putting it off, it's not nearly as traumatizing as it used to be.
How exciting is it to SHOP now?!? Oh em gee. Loveeee it. Buying clothes is no longer a daunting task, is it? You can shop with Mom now, and not get into a knock down drag out fight, simply because you're about to burst into tears at any moment and taking it out on her. How bout those Seven for All Mankind jeans you got? For the win. This is the first pair you've ever owned, because they just don't make 'em for big girls. Sad, but true. They're super cute though, rock the hell out of them! Feel amazing in them, cause you're pretty precious when you're so confident wearing them! Not to mention that you're gearing up for summer, and pampering yourself a little to be sure that your nails & toes look fab. You deserve it!
Confident. That's a word you wouldn't have used to describe yourself very often before! Sure you had confidence in yourself in some ways, but not in your overall appearance. You've definitely gained this as you've lost your weight, and I'm so glad. There will always be days when you're lacking, but always let the good outweigh the bad. It's going to lead you to the man of your dreams one of these days... so keep smiling, pretty lady! Who cares that you haven't fallen deeply in love in the past year? You've been dating! How exciting!
Although you really don't let anyone in, someday you will. Someday you won't be scared of letting someone so close to your guarded heart, for fear that they'll drop it. One of these days someone will work so hard to tear down your walls that you won't even realize it's happening. That's when you'll know, it's not infatuation, it's not a love that will end, it's the one that's going to stick, forever. You won't have to fight for it and you won't constantly be waiting for the script to flip. You'll have one of those relationships that inspires you. Someday! Right now, you've got that goin within yourself!
How awesome have your friends been through all of this? Wow. Even the ones who were so scared for you to even have the procedure done. They still stuck by your side, and are incredibly proud of you, and it shows. They've all gone out of their way to encourage and support you, to cheer you on, and to pick you up when you were down. They never let you stay down too long, because there's always something to laugh about. That's the wonderful thing about surrounding yourself with people who are just like you. They get it. They're just like you in that they listen, advise, and commiserate.. but quickly lighten the mood with some humor. That right there is what makes your friends worthy of your company ;)
You're now the proud (understatement) Aunt Beck to the sweetest, most down to earth, easy to entertain, precioussss baby boy in all the land, and over the moon in love with him! Graham has changed your life in such a positive way. Believe it or not, your heart had and still has room to expand! It was hard to think you could love any more babies as much as you love Kaylee, but of course, like a parent, you know you would! The joy all of the babies bring you is what makes you... you. Everyone sees it. Keep being the best aunt you can possibly be, and embrace the fact that your heart is so ever-expanding. It'll come full circle one of these days!
Your entire family has been your rock through this whole process. They of course took care of you in the beginning, but they've been your #1 fans the whole entire time, without faltering. They've seen it all. The good, the bad, the ugly... and they're still so excited about the progress you've made. They enjoy the "GUESS WHAT!" e-mails about your weight, and I doubt they'll ever get tired of them! It's just as exciting to them as it is to you, lucky girl! The one who was a bit hesitant, of course, was your Dad, you'll always be his baby! But these days he calls just to say, "Way to go!" and gives you the extra push you need to perservere. Your family is the biggest blessing in your life, and luckily they always make themselves available if/when you need them! That is love.
Random, but one thing you didn't anticipate was how boney you'd become! How do skinny people stand it?? Just laying down on the ground to play airplane with Graham hurts your tailbone (not that it stops you from playing!) and makes you remember that you actually have one, it's not all cushion! And laying on your side, your hip bone is prominent... whodda thunk? But you still got some hips girrrrrl, they'd still be there if you were 110 pounds soakin wet. Oh, and your collarbone, let's not forget that. Your insatiable urge to be like your sister when you were younger still lingered in that area whether you realized it or not! Her collarbones are so pronounced (you've always been jeal, but she's just made that way, get over it!) that you wanted your to be too! Haha. Now they're surfacing, and the 12 year old in you wants a high five.
All of that said, you've come a long way kid. I know you're proud of yourself, but do you truuuuly pat yourself on the back as much as you should? Not when you're spilling your guts on the internet... not when you step on the scale and see an exciting change... not when sometone else points out your accomplishments to you... but when it's just you and your thoughts. Do you praise yourself enough internally and not overtly? I think that's important, so when you find that your wheels aren't spinning, take a second and make a mental note of how good you feel, versus how you felt, and embrace how far you've come. Don't ever forget how far you've come, or take it for granted just because you think you've won the battle. There will always be an internal war against food, and you're the only one on the front line.
I love you, the strong beautiful woman that you've always been, always will be, and are still becoming. You're going to go far in life, and I know that you'll only look back on all of this with a smile on your face, and a ton of supporters not in front of or behind you, but beside you. I think you just made yourself jealous of your own life... silly!
I love you Becky, past, present and future.
No. Matter. What.
<3
The most noticable change has got to be in your face. You smile bigger and your eyes aren't all squinched up from the chub ;) The dimple is augmented!
Lookatchu! Gettin all slim and junk! Bustin up in the 160's like it ain't no thang. Whoop whoop! You have come sooo far. For realz. In less than 13 months you're almost AT your 36 month goal, boo! GETCHU SOME!
Okay okay, in all seriousness, you're amazing. How many times have you heard that word in the past year? It never gets old. Funny how that works. It's not like compliments were all that scarce before, but they were different. They mostly pertained to material posessions and inner beauty, don'tcha think? Now it's like you're finally being seen from the outside - in.. if that makes any sense. Like, the outside it starting to match the inside. Sure it's not perfect, it never will be, it's not supposed to be. It's unique and it's got flaws but it's still got a lot of cushioning for your heart. ;)
Your heart. Oh my. It's crazy what you've put it through. It's brilliant and it's disturbing, it's wrenching and it's inspiring. It's been busted into a million pieces, but somehow it always manages to mend itself, maybe it takes a while, but none the less, resilience is bountiful. This is probably the only part of your body you're okay with not losing.
Remember how scared you were that your personality would change? I don't think you have a thing to worry about. I honestly believe you've only become more happy and your true self has started to shine even more. Sure you still make mistakes and can probably be annoying sometimes, but whatevs. It makes you human. I'm glad that you don't spend nearly as much time moping and feeling sorry for yourself. You used to pull that crap a lot.
Numerous hours have been saved from complaining about your body constantly. You've grown to appreciate your curves, as they're not quite so badonkadonk-ish. Remember when you hated your body? You wouldn't admit it, but you did. Seems like just yesterday. Remember looking at strangers who were bigger (or maybe the same size or smaller than your in denial self!) than you, and thinking.... "I hope I don't look like that," or "I hope I don't get that big." Shame. On. You. I mean, you have to appreciate your honesty. But jeez. How rude!
There's no telling how many people looked at you that way when you were at 245. Who knows? Who cares? Maybe they still do! Sooo whatttt. They deserve it if they do. ;) Wonder how many people hope to look like you now? That's something to think about. It's funny, when you quit judging yourself, you quit judging others. It was like a lightbulb. You quit blaming yourself for being overweight, so you quit blaming others for being overweight. You realized that everyone has a story, and that it's not up to you to decide whether they "got themselves into the predicament," or not. Maybe they're fast food junkies, but you DON'T KNOW THAT! Assume = ass + u + me. I'm so glad to see the turnaround you've made mentally, even if no one knows it but you.
Remember how you hoped to be able to play more with the babies and run around and not get winded? Check. The beach will be soo much fun this summer, and running around with Kaylee won't induce a comatose nap. The heat, maybe, but not because you're still so insulated. I guarantee you won't secretly hope that someone will want to drive the 2 blocks to the beach entrance rather than walk with all the "stuff." It won't bother you one bit! Bike rides with Dad? Okay! Wagon walks with Mason & Graham? Yes, please. The bathingsuits you have are too big now, woman, so go get some new ones! Seriously. Stop putting it off, it's not nearly as traumatizing as it used to be.
How exciting is it to SHOP now?!? Oh em gee. Loveeee it. Buying clothes is no longer a daunting task, is it? You can shop with Mom now, and not get into a knock down drag out fight, simply because you're about to burst into tears at any moment and taking it out on her. How bout those Seven for All Mankind jeans you got? For the win. This is the first pair you've ever owned, because they just don't make 'em for big girls. Sad, but true. They're super cute though, rock the hell out of them! Feel amazing in them, cause you're pretty precious when you're so confident wearing them! Not to mention that you're gearing up for summer, and pampering yourself a little to be sure that your nails & toes look fab. You deserve it!
Confident. That's a word you wouldn't have used to describe yourself very often before! Sure you had confidence in yourself in some ways, but not in your overall appearance. You've definitely gained this as you've lost your weight, and I'm so glad. There will always be days when you're lacking, but always let the good outweigh the bad. It's going to lead you to the man of your dreams one of these days... so keep smiling, pretty lady! Who cares that you haven't fallen deeply in love in the past year? You've been dating! How exciting!
Although you really don't let anyone in, someday you will. Someday you won't be scared of letting someone so close to your guarded heart, for fear that they'll drop it. One of these days someone will work so hard to tear down your walls that you won't even realize it's happening. That's when you'll know, it's not infatuation, it's not a love that will end, it's the one that's going to stick, forever. You won't have to fight for it and you won't constantly be waiting for the script to flip. You'll have one of those relationships that inspires you. Someday! Right now, you've got that goin within yourself!
How awesome have your friends been through all of this? Wow. Even the ones who were so scared for you to even have the procedure done. They still stuck by your side, and are incredibly proud of you, and it shows. They've all gone out of their way to encourage and support you, to cheer you on, and to pick you up when you were down. They never let you stay down too long, because there's always something to laugh about. That's the wonderful thing about surrounding yourself with people who are just like you. They get it. They're just like you in that they listen, advise, and commiserate.. but quickly lighten the mood with some humor. That right there is what makes your friends worthy of your company ;)
You're now the proud (understatement) Aunt Beck to the sweetest, most down to earth, easy to entertain, precioussss baby boy in all the land, and over the moon in love with him! Graham has changed your life in such a positive way. Believe it or not, your heart had and still has room to expand! It was hard to think you could love any more babies as much as you love Kaylee, but of course, like a parent, you know you would! The joy all of the babies bring you is what makes you... you. Everyone sees it. Keep being the best aunt you can possibly be, and embrace the fact that your heart is so ever-expanding. It'll come full circle one of these days!
Your entire family has been your rock through this whole process. They of course took care of you in the beginning, but they've been your #1 fans the whole entire time, without faltering. They've seen it all. The good, the bad, the ugly... and they're still so excited about the progress you've made. They enjoy the "GUESS WHAT!" e-mails about your weight, and I doubt they'll ever get tired of them! It's just as exciting to them as it is to you, lucky girl! The one who was a bit hesitant, of course, was your Dad, you'll always be his baby! But these days he calls just to say, "Way to go!" and gives you the extra push you need to perservere. Your family is the biggest blessing in your life, and luckily they always make themselves available if/when you need them! That is love.
Random, but one thing you didn't anticipate was how boney you'd become! How do skinny people stand it?? Just laying down on the ground to play airplane with Graham hurts your tailbone (not that it stops you from playing!) and makes you remember that you actually have one, it's not all cushion! And laying on your side, your hip bone is prominent... whodda thunk? But you still got some hips girrrrrl, they'd still be there if you were 110 pounds soakin wet. Oh, and your collarbone, let's not forget that. Your insatiable urge to be like your sister when you were younger still lingered in that area whether you realized it or not! Her collarbones are so pronounced (you've always been jeal, but she's just made that way, get over it!) that you wanted your to be too! Haha. Now they're surfacing, and the 12 year old in you wants a high five.
All of that said, you've come a long way kid. I know you're proud of yourself, but do you truuuuly pat yourself on the back as much as you should? Not when you're spilling your guts on the internet... not when you step on the scale and see an exciting change... not when sometone else points out your accomplishments to you... but when it's just you and your thoughts. Do you praise yourself enough internally and not overtly? I think that's important, so when you find that your wheels aren't spinning, take a second and make a mental note of how good you feel, versus how you felt, and embrace how far you've come. Don't ever forget how far you've come, or take it for granted just because you think you've won the battle. There will always be an internal war against food, and you're the only one on the front line.
I love you, the strong beautiful woman that you've always been, always will be, and are still becoming. You're going to go far in life, and I know that you'll only look back on all of this with a smile on your face, and a ton of supporters not in front of or behind you, but beside you. I think you just made yourself jealous of your own life... silly!
I love you Becky, past, present and future.
No. Matter. What.
<3
The most noticable change has got to be in your face. You smile bigger and your eyes aren't all squinched up from the chub ;) The dimple is augmented!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
On a sad note.....
I had to say goodbye to another pound. I had to throw away one more negative feeling and vexation to my spirit. What a sad day! ;)
It's nice to say hello to the 160s again! I haven't seen them since I was 16, going on 170! There's a picture at my parents house from our trip to Paris of myself, my mom and Jen in the Louvre when I was 15. I'd be tickled pink to be back at that weight, and although I have my days when I think that seems far fetched, today is not one of those days. It doesn't seem impossible. Before the procedure I honestly thought it'd take me the full 3 years to get to 165. I completely underestimated myself.
I do that a lot.. don't we all? I got caught up in seeing all of my flaws that I forgot to focus on my strengths. In doing so, I forgot that I actually do have strengths, so I've decided to list them for my own personal reference, just in case I forget again.
I could use my humor to diffuse a bomb.
I give hugs like nobodies business, fo free.
My heart is more open than Wal-Mart. Or a Dr. Quinn Medicine woman necklace.
Forgiveness is my middle name, right after Anne.
I have mad skillz when it comes to babies.
Everyday I work, I give more than I receive.
Everything I do in general, I give more than I receive.
Telling people something that will hurt them hurts me more.
I try my hardest to make every ones birthday memorable.
I am a terrible liar and I don't understand their purpose.
Sometimes I'm so easy going people probably think I don't care.
General rule of thumb: I laugh/smile more than I talk :)
I love what I love, and I love who I love with every atom of my being.
It's one thing to say it about myself, and believe it, but to hear it from other people means even more. All of the following things are snippets of things people have said that have touched me and kept me going. Mind you, with the exception of one or two, these are all private messages, e-mails, texts, etc. that only my eyes have seen, therefore I'm not going to put names with them! When I say that I'm eternally grateful all the time, maybe this will put into perspective the reason why....
"You look fantastic. I guess it may be a little weird coming from me, but I was blown away when I saw the difference you have made in yourself. Keep doin what you're doin and bein who you're bein." ~ probably the most touching, considering he was my first love <3
"I think you are such a strong individual and such an inspiration to so many women."
"Never forget how good you are on the inside and ultimately that's why people will remember you if they are real and true!"
"You are a tremendous person and are well on your way to finding your own happiness."
"Even if you're just rambling on about things the ways you put your words in order are great!"
"There's a huge change in your attitude that I can even see on Facebook!" ;)
"I just wanted to thank you for having the courage to spill your heart out for everyone to read because your words have meant so much to me."
"You look amazing and more importantly, you are feeling amazing about yourself."
"PS: You look AMAZING"
"Go look at my profile pic and then go look in the mirror! Love you!"
"You are a beautiful young woman in every way, and I'm so happy for you!"
"I am so impressed by your hard work!"
"I want you to know that talking to you helped me see a lot."
"You find a love and happiness in every venture or turn of your life. You always find a way to have fun and you love doing it."
"You are very poised within yourself. You're graceful in how you treat your friendships and loved ones. You are very protective of family and close friends and I think that places you high in the world. It puts you on a greater level because you have respect where most don't anymore."
"You smile all duh time" bahah. Ily.
I hope this give some perspective as to why I gush so much about the amazing support that I have. Because none of these people knew that the other sent the message. Each of these is from a different person, with the exception of 2. There are so many positive adjectives, it's overwhelming. It's hard to believe that so many people see the progress I've made. And this doesn't even count the public displays of acclamation, the compliments in passing, or the word of mouth encouragement.
It means a lot to me and it definitely voids the negative thoughts that I feel like are placed upon me on a daily basis... there are just some people that are never gonna like me, as cordial as I may be, and as hard as it is, I just have to accept it.
“It takes your enemy and your friend, working together to hurt you to the heart; the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you” ~ Mark Twain
All of that said, I am so excited to be inching closer and closer to my goal, step by step, day by day... isn't that a theme song??
Step by step.. day by day.. a fresh start over, a different hand to play. The deeper we fall, the stronger we stay. And we'll be better the second time around. Wow... I definitely just channeled my inner adolescence!
I feel like this is really short for some reason. I'm going to get on my Letter to the Editor - 1 year post-op, I just haven't had the time! Hopefully before next WIW??
NMW,
<3
This picture makes me smile, because it was such an incredibly fun night seeing one of my favorite bands (Zac Brown Band) and dancing, being silly with one of my best friends!
It's nice to say hello to the 160s again! I haven't seen them since I was 16, going on 170! There's a picture at my parents house from our trip to Paris of myself, my mom and Jen in the Louvre when I was 15. I'd be tickled pink to be back at that weight, and although I have my days when I think that seems far fetched, today is not one of those days. It doesn't seem impossible. Before the procedure I honestly thought it'd take me the full 3 years to get to 165. I completely underestimated myself.
I do that a lot.. don't we all? I got caught up in seeing all of my flaws that I forgot to focus on my strengths. In doing so, I forgot that I actually do have strengths, so I've decided to list them for my own personal reference, just in case I forget again.
I could use my humor to diffuse a bomb.
I give hugs like nobodies business, fo free.
My heart is more open than Wal-Mart. Or a Dr. Quinn Medicine woman necklace.
Forgiveness is my middle name, right after Anne.
I have mad skillz when it comes to babies.
Everyday I work, I give more than I receive.
Everything I do in general, I give more than I receive.
Telling people something that will hurt them hurts me more.
I try my hardest to make every ones birthday memorable.
I am a terrible liar and I don't understand their purpose.
Sometimes I'm so easy going people probably think I don't care.
General rule of thumb: I laugh/smile more than I talk :)
I love what I love, and I love who I love with every atom of my being.
It's one thing to say it about myself, and believe it, but to hear it from other people means even more. All of the following things are snippets of things people have said that have touched me and kept me going. Mind you, with the exception of one or two, these are all private messages, e-mails, texts, etc. that only my eyes have seen, therefore I'm not going to put names with them! When I say that I'm eternally grateful all the time, maybe this will put into perspective the reason why....
"You look fantastic. I guess it may be a little weird coming from me, but I was blown away when I saw the difference you have made in yourself. Keep doin what you're doin and bein who you're bein." ~ probably the most touching, considering he was my first love <3
"I think you are such a strong individual and such an inspiration to so many women."
"Never forget how good you are on the inside and ultimately that's why people will remember you if they are real and true!"
"You are a tremendous person and are well on your way to finding your own happiness."
"Even if you're just rambling on about things the ways you put your words in order are great!"
"There's a huge change in your attitude that I can even see on Facebook!" ;)
"I just wanted to thank you for having the courage to spill your heart out for everyone to read because your words have meant so much to me."
"You look amazing and more importantly, you are feeling amazing about yourself."
"PS: You look AMAZING"
"Go look at my profile pic and then go look in the mirror! Love you!"
"You are a beautiful young woman in every way, and I'm so happy for you!"
"I am so impressed by your hard work!"
"I want you to know that talking to you helped me see a lot."
"You find a love and happiness in every venture or turn of your life. You always find a way to have fun and you love doing it."
"You are very poised within yourself. You're graceful in how you treat your friendships and loved ones. You are very protective of family and close friends and I think that places you high in the world. It puts you on a greater level because you have respect where most don't anymore."
"You smile all duh time" bahah. Ily.
I hope this give some perspective as to why I gush so much about the amazing support that I have. Because none of these people knew that the other sent the message. Each of these is from a different person, with the exception of 2. There are so many positive adjectives, it's overwhelming. It's hard to believe that so many people see the progress I've made. And this doesn't even count the public displays of acclamation, the compliments in passing, or the word of mouth encouragement.
It means a lot to me and it definitely voids the negative thoughts that I feel like are placed upon me on a daily basis... there are just some people that are never gonna like me, as cordial as I may be, and as hard as it is, I just have to accept it.
“It takes your enemy and your friend, working together to hurt you to the heart; the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you” ~ Mark Twain
All of that said, I am so excited to be inching closer and closer to my goal, step by step, day by day... isn't that a theme song??
Step by step.. day by day.. a fresh start over, a different hand to play. The deeper we fall, the stronger we stay. And we'll be better the second time around. Wow... I definitely just channeled my inner adolescence!
I feel like this is really short for some reason. I'm going to get on my Letter to the Editor - 1 year post-op, I just haven't had the time! Hopefully before next WIW??
NMW,
<3
This picture makes me smile, because it was such an incredibly fun night seeing one of my favorite bands (Zac Brown Band) and dancing, being silly with one of my best friends!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
I'm a slacker!
I'll admit, I just didn't feel like writing WIW at all last week, it was just one of those days when I felt like I really just didn't have anything to say, so why say anything at all??
Well, today I do have something to say, dang it! And that is that I am now at 170.. (insert name for female dogs with esssssss on the end.) What what! I'll be in the 160s soon enough - jeeeez, didn't think I'd see those numbers for quite a while, but here they come, creepin right along!
I really am okay with not losing weight rapidly anymore! I mean, it was kinda ridiculous how fast I lost in the very beginning, and I set the bar really high for myself, not that I'm complaining b/c those pounds are now a distant memory - forevaaa.
In some ways I kind of feel like each pound told a different story. That might sound crazy, and admittedly it probably is.. but each pound that I put on through the years had it's own sad story. Each one of those pounds was another weight on my shoulder, on my body, mind and soul. Each pound made me feel further away from my inner self and like a trap that I'd never get out of. I was burying myself in fat.
Woah, I don't think I've ever dropped the f-bomb in this blog. It's a strong word that I despise. To me "fat" is stronger than "hate." I'd rather someone hate me than call me fat.. is that weird? So be it. Losing weight has shown me how delusional I was. I still have plenty of meat on m'bones, but a lot less than I did when I was "morbidly obese" - eek! It makes me sad to think about the road I was on and where it was leading.. but then I snap out of it and look at how far I've come!
According to my BMI I'm still "obese"... in 6 or 7 pounds-ish I'll be "overweight." FINE BY ME! I like to blame my BMI on my vertically challenged body! The song 'I wish I were a little bit taller.. I wish I were a baller' comes to mind. I wouldn't wanna be a baller, but being a little bit taller would surely make a difference! It is what it is, I still embrace my short little self and I just wish my body would show some respect and proportion itself a little bit! I guess that's what Body Pump is for :)
Something that's been on my mind a lot lately - for good reason - is independence. It's something we all take for granted. Seriously. I'm not talking about war & peace, I mean, of course I'm grateful for everything that so many people fight for, for us, but I'm talking about independence on an individual level. It's crazy when you sit back and think about everything we're able to do when we have no ties that bind us.
There are so many material things I take for granted on a daily basis. Seriously. I am grateful for the people in my life everyday, but sometimes I forget to be grateful for the things that I have. Not in a materialistic way, but in a thank God I have a roof over my head, a car, and food on the table, basic way. I've been blessed in that I have been here at DSS for almost 3 years, good and bad. I've never in my career felt like my job was not secure simply because there are so many people that go without and are constantly in need, especially in this economy. And this is what I cry about when no one's around.
Is it just me or do sisters have a 6th sense? Mine just called as I was on the verge of tears and completely sidetracked me when I needed it, without even knowing! Love her.
I'm just really glad that I've done pretty well for myself, at the ripe old age of 26 (toot! toot!). I feel God brings me to and through tough things all the time, and He still knows that I'll come out stronger in the end. Sometimes I even inspire myself! I tend be one of those, "only want it when it's gone" kind of people.. I always regret not buying something or not waiting for something to go on sale because I can be indecisive to a fault. These days I'm in more of a, be glad for what you have, mentality, and I think I like that better.
Good things come when you least expect it, usually when you're living life right I suppose. I wasn't planning on going to the Zac Brown Band show tonight, although I desperately wanted to, I couldn't justify it in my budget - but lo and behold, I got a deal I couldn't pass up, and I will be in bearded, toboggan Heaven tonight!
"Life is good today" ~ Zac Brown Band :)
<3,
NMW
Well, today I do have something to say, dang it! And that is that I am now at 170.. (insert name for female dogs with esssssss on the end.) What what! I'll be in the 160s soon enough - jeeeez, didn't think I'd see those numbers for quite a while, but here they come, creepin right along!
I really am okay with not losing weight rapidly anymore! I mean, it was kinda ridiculous how fast I lost in the very beginning, and I set the bar really high for myself, not that I'm complaining b/c those pounds are now a distant memory - forevaaa.
In some ways I kind of feel like each pound told a different story. That might sound crazy, and admittedly it probably is.. but each pound that I put on through the years had it's own sad story. Each one of those pounds was another weight on my shoulder, on my body, mind and soul. Each pound made me feel further away from my inner self and like a trap that I'd never get out of. I was burying myself in fat.
Woah, I don't think I've ever dropped the f-bomb in this blog. It's a strong word that I despise. To me "fat" is stronger than "hate." I'd rather someone hate me than call me fat.. is that weird? So be it. Losing weight has shown me how delusional I was. I still have plenty of meat on m'bones, but a lot less than I did when I was "morbidly obese" - eek! It makes me sad to think about the road I was on and where it was leading.. but then I snap out of it and look at how far I've come!
According to my BMI I'm still "obese"... in 6 or 7 pounds-ish I'll be "overweight." FINE BY ME! I like to blame my BMI on my vertically challenged body! The song 'I wish I were a little bit taller.. I wish I were a baller' comes to mind. I wouldn't wanna be a baller, but being a little bit taller would surely make a difference! It is what it is, I still embrace my short little self and I just wish my body would show some respect and proportion itself a little bit! I guess that's what Body Pump is for :)
Something that's been on my mind a lot lately - for good reason - is independence. It's something we all take for granted. Seriously. I'm not talking about war & peace, I mean, of course I'm grateful for everything that so many people fight for, for us, but I'm talking about independence on an individual level. It's crazy when you sit back and think about everything we're able to do when we have no ties that bind us.
There are so many material things I take for granted on a daily basis. Seriously. I am grateful for the people in my life everyday, but sometimes I forget to be grateful for the things that I have. Not in a materialistic way, but in a thank God I have a roof over my head, a car, and food on the table, basic way. I've been blessed in that I have been here at DSS for almost 3 years, good and bad. I've never in my career felt like my job was not secure simply because there are so many people that go without and are constantly in need, especially in this economy. And this is what I cry about when no one's around.
Is it just me or do sisters have a 6th sense? Mine just called as I was on the verge of tears and completely sidetracked me when I needed it, without even knowing! Love her.
I'm just really glad that I've done pretty well for myself, at the ripe old age of 26 (toot! toot!). I feel God brings me to and through tough things all the time, and He still knows that I'll come out stronger in the end. Sometimes I even inspire myself! I tend be one of those, "only want it when it's gone" kind of people.. I always regret not buying something or not waiting for something to go on sale because I can be indecisive to a fault. These days I'm in more of a, be glad for what you have, mentality, and I think I like that better.
Good things come when you least expect it, usually when you're living life right I suppose. I wasn't planning on going to the Zac Brown Band show tonight, although I desperately wanted to, I couldn't justify it in my budget - but lo and behold, I got a deal I couldn't pass up, and I will be in bearded, toboggan Heaven tonight!
"Life is good today" ~ Zac Brown Band :)
<3,
NMW
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