The learning curve..

I lost 2 POUNDS!!! And I even checked 2 days in a row, just to make sure the scale wasn't lying ;) I'm at 180 now, so I'll definitely be celebrating the next pound which I will KEEP OFF! Woohoooo!

Maybe being stressed works for me... Because that's what I've been and the worst is yet to come.. work wise! My temp workers started this week and they're all precious and amazing, but training is training and who likes to sit at their desk and read a manual which says the same thing 83931 times? Not I. I tried to spice things up today by doing some hands-on stuff, and they seemed to like that, but honestly... it still sucks. Better luck next year.. when I know what to expect and what I'm even talking about! Thank goodness the girls have been so patient with me and even if I'm a nervous wreck about the next 2 crazy weeks, I've been able to hide my fear and ease theirs.

We'll be taking applications for a solid two weeks for LIEAP alone. We'll see hundreds of people, atleast 1200, in 10 days. Eek. A challenge, fo sho, but I really think we'll be on easy street after day 1 when everyone's (including mine..) confidence is up and they feel like they know what they're doing... because the process is quite repetitious! And somehow, with my awesome time management skills (ha!), I'll still have to process all the CIP applications while assisting the app workers as needed.. I don't know if any of you care about my work life.. but that's what's on the forefront of my brain right now.

But when I lay down at night there are other things on my brain...

My lovelife for one. Ahh.. some juice! Not really... it's kinda lacking lately. Like, there have been opportunities knocking, I'm just not feelin like dating anyone at all right now, and as many time as I've gotten hurt, the last thing I want to do is hurt someone else by leading them on. It's a catch 22 though, because by being incognito, I could miss out on something genuine. Not to say that I want to date guys who are superficial or emotionally unavailable, or what have you, I just don't want to get wrapped up in something that's going to get me hurt again, or end up with me hurting them. I hope that makes sense.

One thing I've noticed recently is that while I hope to goodness my personality hasn't changed, and I know my sense of humor hasn't.. as my confidence increases, so do my standards to some extent. I used to crave attention from guys because I wasn't getting it. Now that I have it, I either don't know what to do with it, or I get annoyed by how they act. I know I've always had every right to be picky, but I wasn't. I was feigning for the unattainable, one of the only things that was out of my reach... and some days I want that back.

I never thought I'd say that I wanted my weight back. And don't get me wrong, I DON'T! I want to keep losing 2 pounds a week, or even a month, until I get to my goal. Which will happen. Eventually. But at the same time, it's reallyyy difficult to go from being 245lbs to 180 in a matter of 7 months. People can tell you that til they're blue in the face before you lose the weight, but it doesn't matter. It affects everyone differently.

I have found myself, more than once, almost wishing that I still had that cloak of morbid obesity to hide behind, because, to be honest, I felt invisible. I felt like I was constantly having to shine in other ways and succeed at other things in order to even be noticed. That sounds terrible in retrospect, but that's just the way it was. It's not an easy lifestyle to live, and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. But the silver lining is that I have been there, done that, got that t-shirt and I've learned a lot in the process.

I've learned that I never want to see those numbers on a scale again. I've learned that I never want to feel judged because of my weight again. That I will never judge an obese person. That I have to accept plateus. That I don't want to lose my curves. That I'm not an object. That no matter how much I lose, I can never lose myself. I've learned that people really do see me differently than I see myself, and that's great. I've learned that when people give me compliments, they are genuine. I've learned that my ass looks fabulous sometimes and I just have to accept that.

I've learned that the person I'm becoming is beginning to reflect the person I've always been on the inside. My heart isn't obese. My soul is perfectly fit. My mind is in better shape than a lot of people's and the rest of me just needs some tuning.

I'm happy with my success so far, and I plan to continue to succeed week by week, and I want to get in the habit of being proud of myself for maintaining my weight, because even if the scale doesn't budge one Wednesday, it will never say 245 again.

NMW,

<3

Just because I love pictures!....

Steady as she goes....

SOOO sorry about the delay! I just scrapped everything I wrote yesterday, because I just wasn't in writing mode yesterday, therefore it was just not flowing and nothing I wanted to say was coming out right. I apologize to those who were anxiously awaiting/accosting me about it ;) I love you guys!


Soo yesterday morning and this morning when I weighed (to be fair!) I was at 181. Soo, a pound since last week, which is great! But still, naturally, not as much as I had hoped! I haven't had an exciting 3 pound weight loss in a month, but to tell you the truth, I'm glad. The times when I have lost 3 pounds in a week, believe it or not, have been some of the hardest times of my life but I displaced my stress/saddness by not eating.. and celebrating the fact that I was losing weight.

I have NEVER been a person to NOT eat when I'm stressed. I have always eaten when I'm happy, sad, bored, meloncholy, ecstatic, depressed, hot, cold, you name it. If my belly wasn't too full for it, there was always room in the inn. I based my life around food, hands down, all the time. Now I'm restricted as to how much I can depend on food like I used to, and thank God for that. But I've also taken it for granted in that when I've gone through these stressful or sad times, I've taken to somewhat starving myself. And what's that do? Nothing good, I'll tell ya that right now.

But it wasn't like I meant to. I didn't wake up one day and say, oh, so and so hurt my heart today, I think I'll starve so that I can lose weight and feel confident again next WIW. Okay, maybe that's what my conscience said, verbatem. But, regardless, that's exactly what I was doing. I think I've blogged about it.. but I can't remember. I know I said that I felt like I was almost getting anorexic, and I kind of was I guess. A total 180 from the eating habits I used to have, that's for damn sure!

These days I feel like I'm finding a happy medium, however, it's not very weight loss friendly! I'm eating until I'm satisfied, but maybe not quite as healthy as when I first jumped on the band-wagon (pun absolutely intended). And since I'm now at my "sweet spot" I believe I've gotten a little too confident in myself. I need to set up an appointment with Amber so she can set me straight. I reallyy need to start journaling my food so that I can see what I ate on a "good" week, but it's so much easier said than done. I can barely remember what I ate for breakfast much less remember to log it when I'm done or at the end of the day. I'll find a system that works, meanwhile, I just need to watch myself and get my sweet tooth pulled!

I find that not drinking alcohol, as I usually drank sweet white wine, is STILL causing me to crave sweats. Like I said before, I'm not really a sweets person. Sure, I love them, but I've never craved them. My feeble attempt at ceasing this craving is to chew lots of gum. If it works to quit smoking, why not to quit sweetening? Any suggestions are welcome, and PLEASE do not feel like you can't eat a piece of cake in front of me, that would make me feel totally guilty (more so than you. I PROMISE.)

That's something I should probably talk about. People's guilt-association towards me. It's gotten progressively worse and it makes me feel so bad. Like, bless their hearts, everyone who is close to me knows that I can't drink anything carbonated. But it never fails (nope, you're not the only one who has done it!) someone will always offer me a drink with carbonation or some random thing that I can't eat and I just ask for water or laugh b/c they quickly realize what they've said and then they either seem to feel embarassed for forgetting, or guilty that they can drink it and I can't. Let me tell you, each and every one of you: It does NOT bother me one bit. And I actually find it pretty amusing, because that's better than feeling like a freak of nature :)

One thing that will always make me feel like a freak of nature (or until I just get used to it?) is when I'm sitting at the table and suddenly get a look of discomfort and sudden onset panic because something has gotten "stuck." I think my parents, Ash T and Ryan are probably the only ones who have actually witnessed these episodes, but they're not pretty. Honestly, I just get scared. I can generally walk around and be fine, but there's been once that it was so sudden I got sick in a cup in my car - thank you, God, for allowing me to be alone at that moment! I know my band well enough to know when something is going to go through and when it's just going to have to come up, no if's and's or but's about it, and I've never gotten sick at the table (knock on wood!) or anything, but I get so self conscious, to the point that I had to request that my Mom not look at me for a minute until I finally excused myself to the bathroom - to no avail.

There's the "bad & ugly" for this edition! I don't know why but it made me feel so guilty to ask her to look away. She's my Mom, she just wanted to make sure I was okay and she'd be the first to hold my hair should I ask. In those moments I just feel so embarassed and like, "why'd I eat that so dang fast??" and I get super insecure. I had an episode (I hope none of my other family noticed!) at my Aunt & Uncle's house b/c I ate too much for my little belly, and, in hindsight, my band was much tighter from swelling on the flight down to FL Friday night... but that didnt' occur to me at the time! I had sharp shooting pains on my left side, as if I had a stitch from running a mile, but really I had just done some marathon eating of the delicious food my Aunt Sherry cooked! The yuckiness went away, but for a good 30 minutes it was all I could do not to cry. But, as always, I learned my lesson!

So, on to the "good!" We had an awesome weekend in Jacksonville, FL! I've never made it down to see one of my Uncle Shawn's Change of Command ceremonies due to other events, but I was determined to make it this time! I was so honored and blessed to be invited to such a prestigious event, and even more excited that it was in honor of my Uncle's service for the past 15 months. He's passed on the reigns and will move onto his next assignment, but you could just tell how much he enjoyed his term and how much he was appreciated. Especially when his squadron presented him with an extra award, not usually given, just to show their appreciation. His face was priceless and it just melted my heart! I am so proud of him, and of course all of our servicemen, but him especially :)

It was so nice to spend the weekend with my parents, Uncle Laurie & cousin Mandy and to finally get to visit Uncle Shawn, Aunt Sherry and my precious baby cousin Natalie in their territory! We got the ultimate experience! Before the ceremony we went to "play" in the flight simulator which is an exact replica of the P-3 his squadron flies. It was awesomeee. And I did a touch & go! That was cool. And we're all still alive... impressive.

My faith in God is still going strong. We're like bff's. We talk everyday, multiple times a day. He's helping me to open my eyes to see the good aspects and negative aspects of my life, and helping me to decipher what deserves my attention and what doesn't. Right now I'm focusing all of my energy on work, home and family. I sound like a married lady, huh? What I mean is, I'm focusing on myself, and making sure that I love myself first and foremost, before anyone else, and look out for my best interest. I cleaned my room and bathroom spic n span.. 235429 loads of laundry later. I gathered and bagged clothes for Goodwill and trashed some. With Mom's help my car is also spic n span. I intend to keep these things this way because it just makes me feel so much better as a whole.

I know, it's common sense, but sometimes it's so easy to let yourself go and procrastinate things until you make a mountain out of a mole hill.. or clothes, or coffee cups, or any other imaginable thing that could be found in a bedroom or car. I'm trying really hard to just stay organized, not just for a couple days or for a week, but for the long haul.

I've spent an incredible amount of time with my family for the past month ;) and I've realized how easy it is to make time for them. Family dinners are becoming a much more regular thing, and we probably have G to thank for some of that. He's a blessing in more ways than one! I realize that this is part of my healing process and definitely part of His plan for me. I spent a long time rebelling against my better interest, but my parents were steadfast and they knew they had to give me my wings in order for me to make it back to them. They still allow me to have my wings, but they also keep me humbled and for that I am soo glad. I know y'all know how much I love my family, but to me, it's like proclaiming my faith, I just can't say it enough. I love you Mom, Dad, Jen, Jay and G! And ALL of my extended family of course!

I have no idea if any of what I just typed flowed, but I pray that it's somewhat coherent. I'm getting somewhat stressed at work because, well, I asked for it. If you offer your services and help word spreads quickly ;) I do love it though, and I look so forward to the first 2 weeks of November when we'll be swamped with LIEAP applications. I'm being groomed this year, to be able to run the program efficiently next year.. Wish me luck! And remind me that I was anxious for more responsibility when I'm pulling out my hair!

PS Yesterday was love your body day. Give yourself a hug, beautiful!

NMW,

<3

I said I'd be honest!

From the get-go, I said I'd be completely honest about my weight loss, even if it meant I gained. And, although I would much rather completely fib this week, I'd be doing myself no favors.

This morning when I hopped on the scale, much to my dismay, I was at 182. That's a four pound weight GAIN since the last time I actually weighed in on a Wednesday. So what gives? Why the sudden stall/gain? Idk. I don't feel like I've been doing anything differently, and I definitely know what and how to eat, so why is it not coming off like it should? I guess this is all just part of the process, and I had a lot of beginners luck, but it's frustrating to say the least.

I knew things would taper off eventually, but I didn't expect it to be so abrupt and all up in my face. I guess part of what makes it harder is that I am very vocal about all of this, heck, I put it out here for the world to see, and that's part of what I love about the whole process. I just feel like my expectations for myself are and have been so high, that I've made everyone else's expectations just as high, and when I gain I completely internalize it and beat myself up for it. I'm trying to take it in stride and realize that not every week is going to be as monumental as I want it to be, and that it's okay to have gained 4 pounds in a couple of weeks.

Magan and I are going to the Y tonight and by gosh I'm going to run on that treadmill. No more walking for me. And I'm going to bust my butt on the machines, and push myself to do more than just my 15 reps. 20 if I can stand it. Can you tell I've been watching Biggest Loser? ;) I'm so annoyed with my belly fat, hips and thighs just like every woman, but I feel like mine are just so prominent! The pooch just won't go away and the flab of my thighs makes me feel like they're still bigger than they should be. Soo, more toning is definitely in my future. Woe is me. Woe is my gender.

This week started out pretty hard. I found out that, yet again, God called upon an angel that to us, seemed too soon. Ryan DesNoyers passed away Monday morning. He was the father of Lagan and Dallas, who are two of the sweetest children I know. He had been married to Bahnie who is one of the strongest women I know and I've known him as long as I've known the Strand clan. He was always fun to be around, and he was able to put me in my place when I needed it. He was Laura's big brother and treated her friends just as well. I never had to worry when Ryan was around, if anyone messed with me, he'd take care of them. It's going to be a long road for Bahnie and the kids to get over this, but I know how strong they are and I know that with their families, they will be okay.

I feel like God has faced me with a lot of death and loss in my life thus far for a reason. Well, I've always known that, but it's just now becoming more clear.

I'm a best friend to many, and a friend to most. I'm someone who will trust you after our first heart to heart and will be loyal to you until you, Heaven forbid, betray me. I will never intentionally put you down and I will always see the best in you, even when you can't see it yourself. I will always be a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, and a judgement-free enabler if you need chocolate, wine, or a cold beer. If you're in a slump, I guarantee I can find a way to relate and empathize without just feeling sorry for you. I can give you advice to the best of my ability, and although I may not support your decisions or plans, I will never belittle them. I will never argue with you or make you feel like you're wrong.

I may forget to ask you how your day, week, or life is, but that doesn't mean I'm not interested or that I don't care. I keep an eye and ear out for all of my friends at all times, and I know when you need me, and sometimes, as luck would have it I'm able to be there. Sometimes I'm not, but that doesn't mean I'm not still here. I'm not perfect, no one is, but I'm consistent. I am loyal and although I may just fall to pieces and cry with you, I love being the one my friends come to when they just need to get it all out.

I've been caught up in a daze lately, worrying so much about my own life and my own problems and how I'm going to get out of them and through them, and I've forgotten that God needs me to help Him do His work. He needs me to be there for my friends, even if I feel like "they probably just want some alone time right now." He wants me to reach out to them and offer that strong solidarity of friendship. Those friendships where you can go days or weeks without talking and still be there for each other when it counts are the ones that you know are real.

I just hope that my legacy someday is that I was an amazing friend. I'm not one to boast, but I'd say if I've succeeded at anything thus far, it is that. I have conquered socialization. I have more friends than I know what to do with sometimes, but each of them are in my life for a reason, and now it's time for me to use my God given strength to be there for each of them, no matter what they're going through. If I could protect everyone I love from hurt, pain and suffering, I would. But that's not my job and it's not His plan. All I can do is be there for them just as I need them to be there for me sometimes, and just as they are.

That said.. I love all of my friends dearly and we've all been through some tremendous loss in our years. Unfortunately, a lot of them have hit pretty close to home for me, which scares the crap out of me, but like I said.. it's all in His plan. I've learned a couple of coping mechanisms and ways to deal with my sadness, and these are things that I am meant to pass along. They are tools I wish I never had to dust off, and especially never had to hand-down.

It sucks that these are the kinds of thought processess we have only after death hits close to home. It's like hearing a story on the news and realizing, oh, crap, that may possibly happen to me sometime. Are all my ducks in a row? Are all my chapters closed? If the world ended tomorrow would I have told everyone I loved them? Probably not. But that's okay. Maya Angelou said it best: “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

I love my family and friends more than anything, and I am so grateful everyday for all of the support and the pushes you each have given me. You make it worth putting my heart on the line and spilling my guts in this silly little blog each week because even when I get down on myself, y'all don't, and I thank you for that. Thank you for reminding me that I look amazing, especially on days when I wake up late and forget to put on makeup... but if you don't work with me, you don't even know that ;)

NMW,

<3

WIW took a vacay!

This past week was full of excitement! Between appointments and vacations, dull moments have been few and far between. However, WIW has also taken a bit of a hiatus! I left my scale (maybe subconsciously...) at my parent's house last week hence I wasn't able to weigh in then! As luck would have it, it didn't occur to me until this morning that the scale has made itself a permament resident of my old bathroom at "home!"

I swear I'm not sabatoging my WIW posts intentionally, but it's given me some insight and time to reflect on just how obsessed I have become with that darn thing. It made me sad when I realize that it's was not there this morning, not because I was eager to see how many pounds I packed on during vacation (jk.. I hope!) but because I know how many of you look forward to tracking my progress and I absolutely hate to disappoint you faithful Weigh in Wednesday Weight Watching Warriors (say that 10x fast.... go ahead.. I can't even do it in my brain!)

I know it's not all about the numbers... but to an extent it is! How would I know how far I have come if not for the numbers?? And how would I attain my goals if not for the numbers? If I just quit caring how much I lost when people started telling me I looked amazing, I would've quit long ago! But I've still got so far to go and so much to lose - and gain in the process. I would be happy with another 40-50 pounds whereas my surgeon said Friday he's happy with where I am but that ultimately 15 more pounds would be great.

Say what?? I got this! I lost 14 pounds since my last visit - albeit harder and harder each week to lose, I still lost that much in like 10 weeks which is awesome! Go me! But it's so easy to get sucked into the mentality of "I have to make it to this number.. I just can't go on if I don't, I will disappoint so many people who are rooting for me!" but then, I realize, that I have a powerful tool. I have an aid to help me and I have every source to utilize as well as an army of supporters, and it literally gets me through everyday.

I'm kinda of in a blah mood today just because I had such a wonderful vacation that it's hard to get back into the swing of things! Plus, I may or may not have enjoyed quite a few sweets over the long weekend and am now feeling a bit guilty about that.. but hey, that's just one of those bumps along the road and to think of myself as a bad person for eating too much chocolate.. having that piece of key lime pie.. or the delectable birthday goodies for Jay's bday, would be ridiculous! I'm not a big sweets person, so I'm kind of glad I let myself indulge a little bit. Sweets are sometimes good for the soul - in moderation of course ;)

On the way to and from the beach, I read aloud Beth Moore's book, "So Long Insecurity." A lot of which I could relate directly to, and some of which, she went on tangents and I got completely lost! What I gained from it though, is that we are perfect in God's eyes. He made us this way and whether or not we think we are perfect is not up to us to judge. It is also not up to us to judge others and size ourselves up to them. This is something I've struggled with and been guilty of for years. But then again, we all have. It'd be downright foolish for any woman to say that she doesn't give another the once over the first time she meets or sees another woman, and somehow rank herself against the other to determine the level of threat or non-threat this woman may pose.

I love love love my friends, but I'll be the first to tell you that they are all beautiful and it's hard to be somewhat self conscious around them because I hold them all on such a pedestal. Not because I think of myself as inferior (okay, maybe I do) but because I just love my girls so much and I think they are all so pretty and special in their own way - not to mention, most of them are at least 5 sizes smaller than me ;) But what I do know is that each and every one of them has had their confidence tested. If not by other women, which may be the worst possible form, then by men. Men who belittled them and made them feel like they weren't accomplishing their full worth - which is BS because I know better!

It makes me happy when they do find ones that constantly build them up (and gives me hope!) and even happier when they marry those beau's! But on the other hand, it it absolutely breaks my heart when my friends come to me with their heart in their hands and I don't have enough glue in the world to repair the damage those stupid boys have done. I have been in their shoes and I can't say that I'm not still guilty of exposing myself to harmful and hurtful situations, but what I can say is that I've gotten to a point with myself that I no longer allow them or me to beat my heart to a bloody pulp. Instead of wearing it on my sleeve, it's tucked back inside my chest, just where it belongs. And that's where it shall remain until some lucky man decides he's ready to place it in a glass case on a tall shelf right near the pedestal he places me on!

This weekend while at the beach, I took a huge leap in the direction of confidence building. Being that it was definitely the last time this year that I'll be at the beach during bathing suit season (and because I literally forgot my tankini top at home) I donned a BIKINI at the beach. I kid you not! Luckily, where we were there weren't really any 20-somethings.. mostly retirees and cute little families.. but none the less, I went out in PUBLIC! And guess what? No one cared! They didn't point and laugh at me like they did in my anxiety induced daydreams.. they merely enjoyed the pool, the hot tub or the beach and carried on about their sun bathing. And my biggest critics, my parents, even told me I looked great and had nothing to worry about! Whew!

I was super anxious about being in a bikini in front of my dad.. because like it or not, I'm still his baby girl! But he took one look and chimed right in with the peanut gallery and stated himself that I looked great. High five Papa Page. :) It warmed my heart... as did the hot tub I quickly jumped in to avoid too much exposure!

I'm coming along in this journey of finding myself and my new self, and it's taken a lot of energy but somehow I feel like I've lost touch with too many people in the process. I'm not sure why that is, but it's not intentional and it's something I want to change. My heart hurts when I think about how long it's been since I've chatted with my best friend, Erin, to catch up until our next heart to heart. It pains me to think of how long it's been since Brookie and I have sat on the porch and talked until the wee hours of the morning about anything and everything. It saddens me how much the kids have grown since the last time I had a girls night with Lala and/or B. It devastates me that it's so hard to find time just to get together with Steph even if it's just for a wax/hair color. I hate to think that Kylie doesn't know every detail of my life like she should and that she can't be here to let me comfort her and vise versa during those hard days.

Then there are those that I talk to or see on a regular basis, who I still feel like I don't have that intimate closeness with that I once did. It's not because of them or me or anything really, it's just that we're growing up. I live a busy life and their schedules are just as demanding. There was a time when we could spend everyday at each others houses after school or on the weekends, but now they are filled with cleaning, paying bills and tending to families or just to ourselves.

People always say "when did we grow up and how do we make it stop?" but I'm not sure that's what I want. I don't want to stop growing up and learning as I go, and experiencing new things and gaining responsibility. What I do want is to appreciate each day and to make time for people as much as possible. I want to have that carefree spirit that I have had for most of my life but I realize that I have to let part of that go in order not to drown in the real world. It's hard finding a balance, but I guess that's just what life is all about.. finding balance. I should appreciate that I have only myself to tend to for now, but sometimes, especially recently, that proves to be a full time job in and of itself.

I will make every effort to update my weight progress ASAP, but my forgetful mind doesn't always help the cause ;)

I still continue to notice physical changes and that's what's most important! One of my very favorite things to do is try on clothes that used to be tight and toss them in the ever-growing pile of "things that are too big to keep wearing and need to be given away or taken to Goodwill." It's a fun game me, myself and I play. And I am eternally grateful that I am such a stingy shopper because I don't feel one bit guilty about the money I spent on those clothes - because no doubt they were picked from the clearance rack at an outlet store!

I hope you guys aren't too mad at me for not weighing in this Wednesday, but as you see, I have no shortage of words and thoughts on which to weigh in!

NMW,

<3

Also:

I finally figured out how to do side by side pictures of the ones I posted last week - yay!

WIW Wearing pants from High School!

Weigh in Wednesdayyyyy comes to you with joy today! I will be completely honest, I did not weigh myself this morning! Omg, I know. Uber fail. Problem was that I did not have my scale at the condo this morning because I've been kind of all over the place lately! My apologies, weight watchers! But I can just about guarantee there's been no change... mayyyybe a pound? I'll check/update this tomorrow morning!

So this week... hmm... it's been kind of a blur! There's been a LOT going on in my life but not necessarily all bad things. A lot of challenges but also a few steps in the right direction of growth and well being!

Last Wednesday my roommate/bestie Magan and I went to First Assembly for their evening service. It wasn't what I expected as it was mostly directed towards the youth, but the message was good, and we felt so much better when we left... I think we left a lot of baggage in that pew! And then we went home and both went to bed rather than going to Mossy's as we usually would on any given Wednesday. A shift in lifestyle is something I've been craving for a while. I'm going to try to find different Wednesday night services to try around the community, and just feel things out until I find something that suits me! Especially with being out of town every weekend (which I love!) I can't exactly attend Sunday services as I'd like, quite yet!

Speaking of being out of town, this past weekend was aaamazing! I know I rave about my nephew a lot, but seriously... he's the bestttt. He has no idea how much power his smile and giggle hold, but he really makes me feel like there is hope for the world. He's going to take it by storm when he grows up! My sister and Jay took me along with them to Hilton Head for a wedding which just happened to be at a gorgeous resort! We stayed with some of their friends who were all so fun and didn't make me and G feel like the 7th & 8th wheels at all :) He and I got to spend lots of quality time together while the "adults" attended functions and the wedding itself. We even made it out to the pool both days - he's so so precious and I wouldn't have wanted to spend my weekend any other way or place!

So I've been going through a lot of "tough stuff" lately and thankfully, God is bringing me through it day by day. It's so nice to have so many friends who are there to listen and to support me everyday, but some things you just have to take to the professionals. I went to meet with my psychologist, Dr. Jeff Smith, who is the same one I have seen throughout the whole surgery process. He's on Fuzz's team and there's a reason for that! He made me realize that a lot of what was going on in my head was completely self imposed. I was beating myself up for things beyond my control, yet controllable by me.

I recently quit drinking alcohol. This was something I intended to do/maintain before and after surgery - for at least a year, I said. But I didn't hold up my end of the bargain. I started losing weight but it wasn't fixing everything, so I fell back on my promise to myself, and got back in the mentality that I needed to drink to deal with my problems... I know my family history on both sides and this was not a wise choice on my part. But, I was doing what I do best, by dealing with things the best way I knew how. Even though I have been reaffirming my faith, I still have some kinks to work out - drinking is/was one of them. I don't think I'm a bad person for drinking, nor do I think anyone who drinks is! What I do think is that I was a binge drinker - have been ever since college, heck, high school. I thought it made me more fun, more sociable, more confident. Really it was just a crutch for me, and half of my friends will tell you I'm really not much fun when I'm drunk. Quite annoying if they're sober!

What I've also come to find is that I'm not wired like everyone else. If I were, what would be the fun in that? But what I mean is that I was born with a gene that would love for me to be a full fledged alcoholic. It's a gene enables me to drink a lot more than others without feeling completely wasted or feeling like "I'm fine." I'm not blaming anything on my lineage, my lap band, or anyone at all. I'm blaming it on the cards I was dealt. It was in the cards for me to find pleasure in drinking. Why wasn't I one of those people who can't stand the taste of alcohol? Who knows... but what I do know is that I have the ability to change my habits and my lifestyle. I haven't drank in a week & 1/2, but I can't say that I haven't missed it every once in a while.

I just need to get things in check and stop trying to numb my pain with things like alcohol. Up until this point I have been very much stuck in the college mentality, as have a lot of my single friends. As Jeff pointed out, there's really not much to do around here if you're single other than... go to the bar! It's quite sad, but busying myself with other activities should help. Andd going out of town every weekend is definitely helping! I don't have to wonder what I might be missing out on because I'm not just sitting at home twiddling my thumbs :) I also realize that alcohol contains empty calories and that I can probably blame a good portion of my "plateau" weeks on that alone. Sad, but true.

But, enough about that! How about some good things?? This morning as I was walking in the building, my boss's boss and a supervisor were standing there talking and just as they thought I was out of earshot one said "She's just so sweet!" and the other said "she really is!" It was just so nice to hear them say that, since I have had so much more interaction with them now than I did before. It just tickled me pink!

I have my appointment with Fuzz this Friday and I'm suuuper excited about that. I may regret it later, but I really think I'm ready for a fill. I just don't feel quite as restricted in my eating as I think I probably should. Maybe I'm just getting used to it? Idk! But I look forward to hearing what he has to say! Jeff was quite impressed with my progress, and once again, shocked at how well I've done in just 6 months. He said in 17 pounds I will have reached their 2-3 year goal for me. He also said that if my results were the norm, there would be no need for advertisement by the Lap Band company ;)

I've posted pictures from March, June and September (last night) and you can see what I mean when I say, the numbers don't matter to me as much anymore. I can really, really, tell a difference now in how I look! Even just in the past 3 months when the pounds have been coming off slower... they're still coming off and the transformation is happening whether I realize it week to week or not! It's insane to me but I am so super proud of myself and my progress, and I just can't help but be determined to get to my goal asap! I want to be there by May for Andrea's wedding. At first I thought that I wouldn't get there for a couple of years... but now I'm thinking I'll be pretty dang close by then!

Holly and I went to the Y last night.... yeah.... I haven't mentioned it in a while because I was pretty embarassed that I haven't been going as regularly! I could blame it on so many things, but really I was just being lazy and superr tired after work and not really feeling like doing anything but reading my book or doing anything but work out! But once again, I'm sucked in! It's just so stress relieving!

I was AMAZED... amazed I tell you! By the fact that I did not break a sweat during my first 10 minutes on the treadmill. All that walking/slight jogging can be credited for that! And then, I was even more shocked that I barely broke a sweat doing all the machines in my usual routine! And that's not all folks... I also didn't sweat profusely after that workout during the second 10 minutes on the treadmill. I kid you not! I used to be a sweaty messss when I got done. Like, a hot mess. But I got back to the condo last night and the first thing I said to Magan was: "Look at me!" She immediately said, "OMG, you're not sweaty!!!" How awesome is that? Maybe I've hit the magic number of sweat-be-gone? We shall see.. that'd be super fabulous, because if you know me, you know how much I hateee it!

Regardless, I love the results that all the massive amounts of sweat, little bit of blood, and superfluous amount of tears have accomplished! I am so glad that I made the decision to have this procedure and I have yet to regret doing so. I just need to tweak some things and focus more on my faith and religion and all those good things, and the rest will fall into place as it should!

NMW,

<3

WiW! Be The Change...

Today's WIW is exciting in so many ways. I've lost 3 pounds... count 'em... 1.. 2.. 3 pounds this week! That puts me at 178. 13 pounds away from my first goal of 165. Say whaaaat? That's an amazing feeling. I've never in my life reached a weight loss goal that I've had set for me, but by George I WILL make it to this one and keep going!

So... my life has been somewhat in a tailspin this past week. My mind has been going a million different directions and God has put some things on my plate that I know He knows I can handle. Sometimes I'm not sure why He trusts me so much. These things are a true test of my ability to fully rely on Him. I'm not going to go into detail for my own privacy's sake, but I ask that you understand when I say that if you are a person who believes in prayer, include me in yours daily.

All I know is that I'm on the right path right now. I can finally see parts of my purpose clearly and although it's going to take a longg time for me to even begin to say that I am a good Christian again, I know what I need to do to prepare myself for His plans for me. The next few weeks, months, even years, are going to be strenuous but I feel like He's going to use me to change the lives of others. The lives of just one, even if I don't know them, would be enough. My hope is that I will use my experiences and my mistakes and my past to help someone see that all hope is not lost. That someone still believes in them and still thinks they are salvagable.

That's what my friend Ashley Teague did for me. She showed me that God still loves me no matter what (NMW <3, I just knew this would come full circle!), just with a simple conversation that she probably thought would bear little weight... little did she know it was exactly the conversation I needed to have. I've said recently that I'm not quite ready to go back to church, however, during our conversation she mentioned something called God Encounters at her church, Calvary Baptist, that was getting ready to start back up. This consists of a group of women that come together for song, worship and to listen to speakers give their testimony, tell their story, simply be women, be sisters and help others to know that they're not alone.

That's where we went last night. We listened to two amazing women tell their stories, and although their lives seem almost perfect now based on the American Dream, they struggled to get there. They weren't just born perfect Christians with amazing lives. They are still works in progress and will be their entire lives. As will I. I was bawling by the end of it and I wasn't the least bit embarassed because I had a best friend right beside me to comfort me just as God intended.

I'm also a work in progress with my weight, I'm a work in progress with my lifestyle, I'm a work in progress with my faith and I'm a work in progress with my attitude towards life, people, my family, my friends, my God. I am never going to be perfect even if I am the perfect weight for my height, by medical and societal standards. I'm still going to make mistakes because that's what God intends for me to do. He has a tendancy to make Himself seen in the most unlikely ways. His reason for things is almost never clear in the present, but as Ash and I talked about last night, hindsight is always 20/20 and everything really does happen for a reason.

I'm glad I learn the hard way and I'm glad that I have to reach a certain point or hit some brick wall in order to learn a lesson. Why? Because any other way I wouldn't learn. Don't get me wrong, I'm a good kid and I was raised well. I have been blessed beyond what I sometimes believe I deserve, but I've never, a day in my life, gone without being grateful. I can be a brat sometimes, but can't we all? I'm my Daddy's little girl, and I'm God's little girl, and I will be my whole life. I'm ok with that. But what I'm not okay with is learning lessons and keeping them to myself. One of these days I'll spill my guts about everything I've learned, to the public eye. But this is neither the time nor the place for such.

I'll take what I've learned and I'll share it with my friends. I'll plead with them not to make the same mistakes I have. Not to put themselves in situations that their hearts tell them are going to lead them down the wrong path. That just because they've won a battle, it doesn't mean they've won a war. Everyday is a war against ourselves and a war against all evil. I don't want to come off as righteous by any means, but I do want to come off as someone who has been there, done that, got that t-shirt and doesn't want anyone else I love or care about to feel that pain.

I want to keep my friends around as long as possible and I want them to know that no matter what they chose to do with their lives I will stand by them and support them, as long as they're not in prison ;) But maybe even then, because that's just the type of person I am. I'm scared of where life may have led me had I continued down the wrong path. It's kind of like my weight... if I had kept gaining 10 pounds a year and not gotten control, I may have been dead by 50. Who knows.

If I kept letting bad outweigh good, I could've wound up dead by 30. That's what scares me. I had to make a change for myself. I still have a lot of changes to make. I'm still scared. I'm almost scared of what being a good Christian entails. I know that sounds ridiculous, but if it means that other people will look to me for guidance and for an example to follow, goodness, that's a lot of pressure! I'm not quite ready for all of that. But luckily I know that I'm not expected to have all the answers or don a halo at all times. I'm only expected to try and be the most outstanding Christian by my own definition as possible.

I hope that God will help me through all that I'm going through and with the amazing family and close friends that I have, I know He will. I have no doubt whatsoever in Him. I'm turning the page on that life I led for many, many years, and I'm finally letting Him pull me out of the pit life threw me in. It's hard to surrender to anyone, but it's harder to be prisoner to yourself.

NMW,

<3

This song means more to me than most, and I lovee songs. Corey Smith is dear to my soul and while most of his songs aren't very deep ;) this one really strikes a chord in me. This is what I strive to be for those in my life:

Carry the world on your shoulders, for a little while,
Put on someone else shoes, and walk around.
So many cups a runneth over, while so many goin dry
The grass ain't always green on the other side.
There's still a lot of work to be done,
A lot of wrongs to right, a lot of battles to be won.
If you can be the change you wanna see,
Be the hope to those who lives are far from easy.
Reach out and lend a hand, share everything you can,
And be the change, be the change.

WIW!

Weigh in Wednesday here we are again!

This week I've shed another pound. Which puts me at 181! Which also puts me at 80% of where my doctors expect me to be... overall. But I'm only 6 months out! Wahbam! I'm incredibly proud of myself for making it this far so quickly. It's taken a lottt of perserverence and determination, but I've done it and I'm at a really good place with myself right now.

I'm finally finding peace with who I am in with who I want to be. I've figured myself out and in the process, if you've read my letter to myself, you know I'm trying to find my faith again. I always knew something would lead me back to God, but I didn't know how, when or why. I've tried many a time to go back to church or to find a new church, but I still haven't gotten to that point. I'm not sure when I will, but right now, I'm just praying a lot and hoping that He leads me to a good new church home eventually. I'm in no rush, I'm just reading a lot and getting inspired by the words of some amazing Christian authors.

So far I've delved into one by Max Lucado, "God Came Near" which personifies God in a more tangible way. Less as a "gray matter" and more as a "best friend whose face you can see and whose shoulder you can lean on." That's what I've been missing. It's taken me a while to realize what was missing and I feel silly for even admitting that it took me this long to come to terms with what I already knew in my heart. There was a hole that has been there for several years, and I'm ready to fill that void with His unconditional, requited love. I have every knowledge and faith that He will help me to become whole one day at a time.

I'm also trying to figure out what my calling is in this life. I've always said I want to "work with people, helping people." And although I do love love love that I am able to help people at my job, I feel that I'm meant to be more interactive. More faces, less papers. I see myself staying here for a while, but not forever. I think my heart has always been and always will be in Education and that is something I am going to start doing research on, and praying about. I don't know where it will lead me, but something tells me that I'd be much happier and fulfilled as an Elementary teacher. I feel I missed my calling, and I think that's because I doubted myself and my capabilities in college. I regret that now, but I forgive myself for that, and I know that with this confidence I can do much more than I ever thought possible.

I've always been more capable than I give myself credit for and that is something that I'm working out. I honestly never thought that I could lose weight. I just saw myself gaining 10 pounds a year for my whole life. How sad is that?? I had given up. I had lost faith in myself, in my strength, in God and in.. well.. everything! Without those things, who was I? Just a 25 year old girl, tryin to get by. Granted, I've done a LOT of things in my life. I've traveled the world, I've graduated from an excellent University, I've bought my own condo, I've loved, I've had my heart broken, I've broken hearts, and I've made differences in many lives. But all of those things mean nothing when you're not fully fulfilled. As Beth Moore (another amazing author whose book I'm currently reading) would say, I've been living in a "pit."

I've noticed how my weight loss has effected so many people. In a previous blog I wondered how long it would take for people to notice.... well, the magic number, I'll have you know, is 50 pounds. Not that they weren't noticing before, but dude, they really know somethings up now! Most people ask, what gives?? And they are intensely intrigued when I explain that I had Lap-Band surgery. It gives me no greater joy than to answer their numerous questions or to guide them in the direction of Dr. Fernandez, e-mailing them website information, insurance information, anything I can get my hands on that they may need. I've done this for a handfull of people and each time it makes me feel so hopeful for them and it brings me such happiness to have been able to help. Whether they pursue the surgery or not, they know that there's hope for them and that they're not alone. They can always come back to me for support and advice and just a shoulder to cry on if nothing else.

If I can make this kind of impact on people with my physical changes, I can only imagine what this spiritual journey will bring. I look forward to the day when I am so contently happy that they ask me what gives? I'll tell them I found my purpose in life and I found my place in this universe. I'll tell them it all started when I reaffirmed my faith in God. I won't force it on them, just as I would never recommend to someone that they should have Lap-Band surgery.. it's just not my place to say that!

What I will do is give them all the resources I can get my hands on. The books I've read, the words that have opened my heart again to a life that I abandoned many moons ago. If they ask what promted it, I'll tell them I got to a point where I realized I needed help. I couldn't go on like this. That I cried by myself before I realized that the one person who I could turn to besides my parents or my sister, who would never turn their back on me, was God. That I cried on His shoulder that night in September as I read a simple book and He embraced me like a best friend, like a parent, like a sibling. I'll tell them it was eerily similar to the night I broke down to my Mom and relinquished my rights to a life full of dieting.

With that said, I'm not saying I'm going to change. Sure, mentally and spiritually I will. But that's just within me. These things have nothing to do with my personality and just like my uplifted confidence, I'm certain these changes in my soul will continually bring a genuine smile to my face and help me to maintain the happy go lucky attitude that I try to maintain... although sometimes I find myself in the "pit." I hope to find that I will eventually be able to come off of my anxiety medicine - which, mind you, would be the very last prescription I am currently taking! I hope that I can let go of things enough not to stress out about them. I hope that I can trust that I can hand them over and have faith that everything will work out just the way it should.

My sister reminded me last night that one of her favorite quotes is: "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." ~ Max Ehrmann's "Desiderata"
And, being the little sister copycat that I am, I, of course, lovee this quote as well! My Mom shared "Desiderata" with us, and has for years. It was a poster in her college dorm room which is absolutely fitting! If you haven't read it I encourage you to do so: http://www.lordtonymackenzie.com/desiderata.html

If there's anything this weight loss journey has taught me it's that sometimes things are beyond our control. Sometimes we have to let the Doctors do their jobs, we have to let our friends give us advice, we have to turn to our parents when we're scared, we have to surround ourselves with laughing babies who give us "monkey hugs," we have to remember that we have an amazing God. Whether or not we're willing to take that into consideration is, however, in our control. I hate cliches but the one thing that has been running on a continuous loop in my brain, with good reason, is one that speaks volumes to me and has really opened my eyes:

"Let go and let God."

Okay so now that I feel like I just gave my entire testimonial, I hope that y'all don't think I've gone off the deep end ;) Quite a change of pace for me huh? But honestly, this is the point of my blog. This is my diary that I've opened up to the entire world. Which is clear to me as everyday I'm astonished to see the different countries from which people have read this blog! Ecuador is the only random country that makes any sense, b/c my best friend was there on a trip a couple of months ago. But the cool thing is that now you can see "stats" including how many times your blog has been read, what country they were in, and what the source was that brought them to your blog. Nothing as big brother as knowing exactly who was reading it, but veryy cool to think that someone in Denmark of all places has come upon my posts just today! I think that's just awesome!!!

Speaking of different countries, part of what has helped me to get to this peaceful place was a simple chat that left a lasting impact on my heart. I was chatting with my sweet cousin Frances who is my age but lives in Bermuda, therefore we haven't seen in other in yearsss since I've been there and haven't been able to grow up together as much as we would've liked! Although we've tried to meet up while she's been in the states, something always got in my way. Well, thanks to this blog, she's been keeping up with all of my progress, all of my ups and downs, and has cheered me along the way. To me, my cousin was always some figment (a mere product of mental invention; a fantastic notion) not of my imagiation, because I knew full and well she was real :) But as some character living in a fairytale land on a tropical island where everything is grand and everything is magnificent.

Thanks to Facebook, we were able to have a wonderful "heart to heart" as I love to call them. Come to find out, our lives are very similar. Although physically we are polar opposites, she being tall, skinny, exotic and gorgeous, me being short, plump, ordinary and gorgeous ;) we are so similar in our mindsets and how we deal with things. We've both been hurt more than we'd like to remember by guys we'd like to forget. We've both experienced the loss of loved ones and we've both turned to God in our darkest days. I didn't feel the least bit like I should hold anything back from her, as if we'd been best friends for years. That one chat will be one of many to come, I'm sure of it!

I am so incredibly blessed to have family around the world and even more blessed to have so many people not only in my everyday life but who I may not even know from Adam who are rooting for me and cheering me on. It's an incredible feeling to know that people care so much, and if I could thank each one of you personally, I would, and I hope that I do as often as possible. It would sound like more of an award speech and I've still got a ways to go before I hit the finish line... but I may have a trophy made for myself when I do reach my goal. Justtt jokingggg!

I've been super busy today doing 3 different jobs.. ask and you shall receive :) But having written most of this on my lunch break, and coming back to it periodically, I'm not sure how well this flows... oh well! :) I must apologize for the long-winded entries the past couple of days... I've just got a lot on my mind!

NMW,
<3