"Feel what you feel as long as it's real."

Whew, it feels like it's been an eternity since I've written WIW but it's only been two weeks... I took a hiatus last week because I was just super busy. Not that I'm not now, but I don't want to get too far off track!

There was one day last week that I weighed 173... but this morning it was 174 so I'm not going to toot my horn just yet! I must say though, that I feel like I've lost... you know how some mornings you wake up and you don't mind looking in the mirror so much? Yep, one of those.. but this week rather than just feeling that way in the mornings... it lasts all day long.

In trying to find motivation to write this entry (as I feel soo repetative, and after so long.. what more is there to say that I haven't already said?) I went back and read my post from this day last year. From that I found this excerpt that really got the wheels turning, full speed:

"I'm going to use this to my full advantage and try my damndest not to take it for granted. I have so much to literally lose :) and so much to gain in the process."

I feel like I can honestly say I have accomplished this goal. I have worked hard to creat harmony amongst my eating habits and my Lap-Band. I think we've got a good thing goin. Granted, I've gotten sick a hand full of times... but it's just one of those things that doesn't really bother me like I thought it would. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely hate getting sick and throwing up in general, but rather than get mad at myself for eating too quickly or too much, I heed it as a warning and I slow down, I watch what I eat more carefully and I definitely take wayy longer to eat than I used to. You never realize how harmful your actions are until you've changed them and reflected upon them.

I still don't think I was an out of control binge eater or anything, but I definitely recognize the fact that I made poor decisions and ate faster, making me hungry more often, and more likely to succumb to my cravings like crazy before I had the band. These days I do sometimes succumb to cravings, but definitely in moderation. Do I think I could have accomplished this new style of eating without the band? Sure, for a short period of time. Would it have lasted a year, and for the rest of my life? Absolutely not.

It pains me to hear of people who have had this surgery and haven't had the kind of success myself and others I know (Molly, that's you!) have. Maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks, and you can lead a horse to water.. but I just can't really comprehend not having amazing results from this surgery. Granted, there are definitely ways to eat "around" the band and there are always opportunities to push limits and see how much of something you can eat before you're just gut wrenchingly sick or having PB's (productive burps. gross. I don't refer to those often b/c just the term makes me nauseous.) but why would you want to?

As of last month it's been a year since I've had a coke, pepsi, mt. dew, dr pepper, bud light, cheerwine, sunkist or champagne. I attempted to give them up in the past, to no avail. I honestly don't think I would even like the taste of it if I tried (which I won't, that'd be stupid) to drink something carbonated. Case in point: I once accidentally picked up my friend's drink at lunch, took a swig and ran to the bathroom to spit the Pepsi out. Soda was my guilty pleasure for 25 longgg years. Just knowing that it could cause me physical pain was and is enough to deter me from ever drinking one again. I'm not one for self inflicted pain.

That said, I think that I have definitely used this band to my full advantage. My gosh, I'm practically 90% of the way to my first goal weight, in one year. That's definitely way more than I could've ever hoped for. Unrealistically I thought I could be under my goal weight by Andrea's wedding in May, but realistically, that's just silly! I'll be ecstatic when I make it to 165, whenever that may be. I may throw myself a party. Seriously. And you better be there!

Here I go with my redudancy, but... I really don't think I could have gotten this far without the love and support of my family, my best friends, and the social network of friends I have gained in the past year. I never ever thought I would touch more than a few lives.. and those being of my nearest and dearest at best. But people have conacted me, encouraged me, helped push me, and said some of the sweetest things I've ever heard without even knowing me. It's honestly one of the best feelings in the world to hear that people can see how far you've come without having known you before.

One of my coworkers unknowingly made my day last week. She said to a mutual friend/co-worker, "Have you seen skinny minny??" And said co-worker asked, "Who?" She replied, "BECKY!" (I had just passed her walking off the elevator the day before.) Me oh my, I was on cloud 9 after that. Never have I ever heard my name and skinny in the same sentence. Honestly. Not that I think I am skinny by any means, and I never expect to be.. but holy crap, for someone else to think/say that. A couple of days later one of the Medicaid supervisors who I haven't seen since August I guess, passed me in the hallway and said hey, then did a double-take and said, Look at you!!! These are the little things that stick with me, and now that I'm documenting them, they will always remind me of how exciting this time is :)

Last week we celebrated my Dad's 62nd (sorry dad!) birthday. This was a unique milestone, as my grandfather passed two days before his 62nd, either 2 or 3 years before I was born. It occurred to me that I don't talk about my dad enough in this blog. Maybe because I knew that as soon as I started typing this, I'd get a knot in my throat. He has that effect on me. I love my Dad more than words. He's my rock. He's my safety net. He's my bear hug when I've gone through any kind of horrible incident. He's the only one who remembers that I need my car inspected, an oil change, or drives it just to ensure that it's running smoothly. He's the reason I change the A/C unit filters on regular basis. He's the reason I want to be the best daughter, sister, aunt, and someday wife and mother in the world. He's one of the main reasons I want to be the best Becky I can be.

Knowing how proud my dad is of me for making as much progress as I have so far, and hearing him say, "you're lookin slim!" in passing, makes this whole ordeal worth the effort. He lays down his life for me on a regular basis, and drops everything just to make sure that I'm okay. My whole life he worried about my weight, to the point of straining our relationship. It's a non-issue these days. Any discussion we have about my weight is in a positive light or incessantly asking if something is ok for me to eat ;) I never thought that my weight would be a source of pride for my dad.. but once again, I've proven myself wrong. Just another "I can't" turned into an "I am/did."

But just the same, I am incredibly proud of my dad. At 62 I never could've imagined he'd be running 5k's and around their neighborhood or at Tanglewood on a whim. He amazes me! I wish I had the motivation that he does sometimes, just a little sliver of it would be nice. I guess to some extent I do get that honest, and I use it to my advantage when I want to, but I can get a little lazy sometimes! I'm not complaining about the personality traits I definitely inherited from him, though. A lot of my sense of humor is similar to my dad's, I definitley have his quick/sometimes cheesy wit and I often find my own jokes funny.. maybe more than others. I love having the ability to laugh at myself, but be serious when need be. I love that I have a perfect combination of both of my parents, I guess because they are practically one in the same themselves!

I think I'd rather talk about other people than myself.... I get bored talking about me, me, me all the time! Next week is my 1 year bandiversary!!! Wow! I will definitely be re-reading my letter to the editor and letter to the mid-point editor, and writing myself a 1 year post op letter to the editor, just incase you haven't picked up on my predictability yet ;) I'm really excited about reflecting on all of my accomplishments!

I've come a longgg way!

NMW,
<3

PS:

I realize I don't post enough pictures... soooo.... I took it upon myself to make another before/current picture, side by side. The green dress ones are from Jamie's wedding (that I referred to in my last post I believe) from July 2009, the weekend after my first appointment with the endocrinologist where I was diagnosed with PCOS and prescribed metformin. I'm glad those days are over... but I'm grateful for these pictures as they were taken at my highest peak! I just wish I could get a do-over ;) The one in the middle is from this past weekend at Andrea's bachelorette party in Charlotte! I look forward to having a better bridesmaid experience in May and I am so excited for her and Kevin! Not to mention the fact that they will be moving closer to home soon!

WIW 59 down 34 to go!

So my current weight is 174. I lost a pound and I weigh the same as when I was 17. Wow! Most people wish they weighed what they did in High School... it's awesome to know that I do! :)

Things have been looking up for me lately. I've definitely gotten my confidence back and my ability to stand my ground, so as not to be walked all over or taken for granted.. for the most part anyway. I think those who are closest to me realize that the part of me that would bend over backwards to do them a favor, make them laugh, or be there for them in a heartbeat, hasn't changed. My life as a doormat, however, has. Not that I've become a raging biotch or anything, but at the same time, I'm not quite as quick to jump into something that will only bring me harm or hurt.. the people pleaser in me used to do that, but not so much anymore.

It's weird to be on this side of confidence. I lived a life for so long behind a veil of insecurity that I let so many little things get to me. Even though the saying goes "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me," sometimes words hurt the most. People have said things about me, behind my back, to my face, or when they thought I was out of earshot, that have hurt me. I'm not the type to harbor those kinds of things, I would hear them, process them, (cry), and move on. In one ear, out the other. That was part of my denial phase. People said things about my weight, a lot. It hurt most when it came from people who I loved or could always confide in. It made me cautious to the point of avoiding the subject all together.

I can't say that I've never said a cross word about someone, because we all have. It's human nature. When someone says or does something to me that offends me, I don't immediately lash out at them. I process, and deal with it in my own way, politely to their face, and maybe not so politely later when I'm venting about it to whoever happens to be in listening mode. Not that I've had any reason to be confrontational lately, but I'm realizing now, that the things people say about me are different. There's been a shift in the winds...

There are no longer negative comments about my weight. People are talking about me behind my back in a positive way! What a feeling that is. They talk about my progress and about my Lap-Band surgery. They send good thoughts and wishes my way via family and friends. They e-mail me to tell me that I'm an inspiration. No longer do I feel like people talk to me in a condescending way.

Another thing I've noticed is that I'm not constantly worrying about what to wear. I actually LOVE buying clothes. Some people may be ashamed that they're "now a size 14." Umm.. not this gal. I found yet another bridesmaid dress (call me Katherine Heigl).. this one from July 2009 when I was at my highest weight! Mind you, the dress was gorgeousss, and I'd love to wear it now in a size 14! But this one is a size 24.

I bought a pair of jeans at Target because they were ridiculously cheap, and got a 16 just because I was scared of them being too tight and I didn't really feel like trying them on. They fit fine, came up a little high, but whatevs. After one day of wearing them they were wayy too big! I went back and got the size 14, and they fit perfectly! I have a feeling they'll loosen up in another couple months :) It's fun to go through old clothes and actually be able to wear them again.. but it sure is a shame a lot of them went to Goodwill when I thought I'd never be able to fit into them again.. not that I mind buying new ones!

My personal goal is to lose at least 1 pound/maintain 173 or lower before my next appt with Fuzz which will be 1 year out. How exciting would it be to have lost 60 pounds since surgery 12 months ago. To me an average of 5 pounds a month is very steady and healthy, and all that I could have hoped for! While the weight loss has kind of been a roller coaster, the dot map has continuously gone down, down, down, instead of up, up, up and that is just mind blowing to me!

I am constantly surprising myself with things I'm able to do. Running even just a few hundred feet used to get me winded (like, if I were to be chased by a dog, I might as well just lay down and play dead.) now it takes a bit longer for me to feel like my lungs are going to collapse! This morning we had a fire drill. Everyone on my floor was to go to the ground floor/basement. 245 pound Becky (who I still love no matter what!) would have waited 10 minutes for the elevator back up. 174 pound Becky didn't think twice about going to the stair well and hiking up those 4 flights - without getting winded/breaking a sweat! It's the little things that keep me motivated!

So last week when I was writing this I was going to the Salvation Army to spend the night! What a night that was! Quite a humbling experience to say the least. When I arrived, I met a lady who was also a volunteer and we became quick pals. She had been coming every year for the past 15-ish years through her church so she knew her way around.. everything. Then the guys came, two from her church and one student from WFU. I was the only rookie.. figures! We were quickly put to work, buttering bread for dinner and breakfast, then getting prepared for dinner at 8.

At first my job was going to be to keep the drink pitchers full.. but then the kitchen manager insisted that I serve food, as the menfolk (the shelter is for men only) prefer to be served by the ladiessss! I obliged, but didn't promise to give equal servings! We served over 60 men that night, each and every single one of them thanked us, some more fervently, some through a grumble and some with eyes that could pierce your soul. They each made me grateful to be able to serve them.

After dinner they dispersed to watch TV, play cards, or just mill around. After we got done cleaning up my new gal pal and I went into the common area to hangout and watch the heated game of Spades that was going on. I felt eyes on me the entire time and finally one of the onlookers piped up and said, "Your name's Miss Becky?" he was around my age so I replied, "Yes, just like the Plies song." After that, I was in. They laughed and joked with me and told me that since I worked at DSS I was a baby taker. Haha. Awkwardddd.... I assured them I do not work in that department!

Later we had Devotions which were led by the night manager, Donnie. He read scripture from Exodus and gave a lesson as well as discussion. Afterwards he allowed time for everyone to give their testimony or say a prayer for the group. It was awesome and incredibly inspiring to hear how much they had been helped by this shelter and by the Cornerstone program which is a long-term alcohol rehab program, as best I learned. They talked about how important we as volunteers are and that they hope to one day return as volunteers when they've gotten back on their feet. I got a little choked up, but surprisingly I didn't cry! At the end we all joined hands and said the Lord's Prayer. It was the perfect ending.

Afterwards it was bedtime - but not for me. I had the choice of going to sleep for an hour or staying up until my front desk shift (12am-2am). I chose to stay up, and chatted with two of the guy volunteers who were kind enough to wait up with me! The two hours went by pretty fast, but sleep didn't come fast enough. The sleeping conditions were... less than perfect... but I wasn't expecting Egyptian cotton. Knowing that I had to be up at 6am and work at 8am really put the pressure on for me to fall right to sleep.. which of course didn't happen! I think I got maybe 3 hours of sleep.. oh well.

We got up before the roosters and got everything ready for breakfast, and called them men down to eat. By this time I was delirious, and luckily all I had to do was dish out fruit salad! Work the next day was difficult, but I definitely ran on addreneline and the feeling gratification that I earned that night. I hope that I can get someone to go with me next time, as I think it's a great experience, even if you only do it once, or once a year for 15 years!

This turned out to be a lot longer than I thought it would be! I don't think I'll be winning any nobel prizes before next week, so it will probably not be quite so good citizen oriented, but you just never know!

I heard a song yesterday that spoke to my heart and basically described the point of life and mindset that I'm in right now to a tee. It's called Unbreakable, by Fireflight. I'm just going to paste the ones that are most applicable, but it's a greattt song, download it!

Unbreakable
Where are the people that accused me?
The ones who beat me down and bruised me
They hide just out of sight
Can't face me in the light
They'll return but I'll be stronger

God, I want to dream again
Take me where I've never been
I want to go there
This time I'm not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me

Sometimes it's hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can't see?To reach my destiny
I want to take control but I know better

Forget the fear it's just a crutch
That tries to hold you back
And turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just trust


NMW,
<3

WIW.. on a Thursday.. with a milestone!

So this morning when I weighed I was DOWN 2 pounds from last week! Yessss! If you're keeping track.. ha! of course you are, if not you wouldn't be reading this! that puts me at 175, 70 pounds from my highest weight of 245 and 58 pounds lighter than I was on my surgery date! It absolutely blows my mind that I've been able to lose 58 pounds in 11 months (and a day). Never ever ever did I consider myself the little engine that could!

I can't even begin to tell you how accomplished I feel. Words can't describe it. To know that I have done this for myself is the best feeling in the world. To be happy to announce my weight is something I never could've imagined myself doing. On the occasion that I catch Biggest Loser I am in awe of the courage of those contestants to stand on the scale week after week to be broadcast to our entire nation. I suppose I'm doing the same, but on a much smaller scale (PUN INTENDED!).

I can kinda sorta almost imagine what that must feel like. Granted they get hoots and hollars when they lose 1, 5, 10 or 20 (soo unhealthy!) pounds that week.. but on the other hand, when they maintain or gain there is either a sigh of disappointment or nothing at all.. crickets. I haven't watched it in a couple of weeks, but having watched it over the years, it's usually the same. I mean, I realize that some of these are rigged (Mom and I went to see two former contestants speak a few years ago and they hinted that producers may or may not have encouraged them to drink water prior to weigh in... for dramatic effect.) Nonetheless, they eventually lose a ton of weight!

Before my last appointment, I had maintained for 4 months. Four excruciating months. That was extremely difficult for me to handle. Don't get me wrong, I was very excited about losing as much as I have, and being able to maintain.. I was getting quite antsy and nervous that it was the end for me and my weightloss. Luckily I was wrong, but if you were in my shoes, you'd be anxious about it too! I can admit it now that I'm over the plateau... but honestly.. I was absolutely terrified. I just kept telling myself, I'm not done yet! This can't be the end, this just isn't good enough! I absolutely have to lose at least 10 more pounds or I'll be a huge disappointement to my doctors, and to myself. Wow. What the heck Beck?

As I write this I realize just how crazy my thoughts had become... and mind you this is all within the past few months. I haven't re-read my entries, but I imagine there was some sort of pattern. I assure you that I am always completely honest when I write this blog, but I may not have been completely honest with myself. I was disappointed every time I stepped on the scale to see it not budge. I can't tell you how many times I would step on, step off, step back on... just to see if it was reading wrong. As much progress as I know, and can tell myself a million times, I have made.. that's just the reality of this journey. Alas, setbacks, stalls, maintainments and losses are what make milestones so exciting!

Work has been kind of a rollercoaster this week.. we've started the re-issuance process so my phone hasn't blown up quite as much.. although I've still been in high demand. I must say that it will be kind of a blow to my ego when people aren't so eager to get in touch with me anymore. But no doubt, a huge relief! The other program is still going full steam ahead.. with no break in sight for the near future. (To give you some background/insight.. one of the programs I work with assists our community with their heating/cooling bills.. and the seasons change incredibly quickly these days!)

I went to a meeting this morning with my boss, and his boss as well as the Salvation Army VIPs.. the Major being one of them! That's right. I'm high-falootin now! My boss' boss announced to them that she will be retiring in June/July and that I will be taking over fully, more so than I already have. Exciting/scary/holy crap. The manager of our program at the SA we work with as well as my boss' boss were talking about how well I've done so far and that I barely ask any questions and that I have started making executive decisions that she agrees with and would've made the same herself. It was a total ego boost that I greatly needed! A pay boost would be great too... but I can't be too greedy!

Generally... life is good. I really only think about my weight on Wednesdays and I don't cry nearly as much. My relationship with my parents has gotten better, tenfold. My relationship with everyone, I think, has gotten better. Those who I'm surrounded by have reminded me why I have such a big heart.. because I have a lot of people to love, and a lot of love to give. Sometimes it's not reciprocated, but to those I say shame on you, you'll rue the day you let me slip away. I have started to love myself as much as I love those that I love. And I've realized that if I put as much energy and compassion into my relationship with myself as I do with others, there's no way I can go back down the path of self-loathing that I was on circa Summer 09.

I'm spending the night at the Samaritan Inn tonight. I'm a bit nervous about what to expect.. all I know is that I'll serve dinner and breakfast, help with check-in/out, answer phones and watch the security monitor for two hours! I look forward to talking to the people there, and maybe even seeing some familiar faces that I see in my line of work. Regardless, I know I'll feel rewarded when I leave in the morning and I hope the Lord has something great in store for me and those I meet tonight.

NMW,

<3

WIW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....!!!!!!!!!!

329 days ago I had Lap Band surgery.
329 days ago I weighed approximately 233 pounds.
329 days ago my BMI was 45.

Today I weigh 177 pounds.
Today I have a BMI of 32.
Today I am 85% of the way to the standard goal of a Lap Band patient - 165 pounds (2-3 year goal, mind you!)

From my highest weight I have lost 68 pounds. Since surgery I have lost 56 pounds. My BMI has decreased by 13. I am over the moon excited about this!

When I went to see Fuzz on Thursday, my weight that morning was 181. At my last appointment in October it had been 183. I was really disappointed in only a 2 pound weight loss but they were very encouraging and reminded me of the progress I've made so far and that I'm wayy on track according to what they would hope to see from a patient in 11 months.. so that's good!

I explained to both Fuzz and Jeff that I felt like I've been more hungry than I should be lately, especially in the morning, and that I felt like I "could" eat more than I "should." They both said that I should get "tweaked" so Fuzz put another .5cc's in my band. He also pointed out to me that I haven't had any fluid added since July! Wow, no wonder I was getting hungry! I'm sure over that time period my band loosened up a bit, so although I was at my sweet spot for a while, my sweet spot eventually went back to the red zone! But I do think I'm at my new sweet spot now!

This morning I weighed 177! That may seem like only a 2 pound weightloss WIW-wise, but in reality it's 4 pounds in a week. WOW! I think I was kidding myself when I said "no change" because, somehow a couple of pounds crept up on there and I disregarded them as "bloat" or something.. who knows! It was just easier to keep the status quo mentality that I'd had for the past couple of months. None the less, this show is back on the road!

Since the fill I can definitely tell a difference, and the band is most definitely doing it's job. I was on a liquid diet for two days then soft foods for two days, now I'm back to "regular" foods. Saturday morning I made scrambled eggs.. thinking that would be soft.. right? Wrong. I ate like two bites and was DONE! Haha. I stuck to yogurt after that. So obviously, no wonder I lost 4 pounds so quickly.. but again.. this is the point of the Lap Band! Not to be able to eat the same amount I could before my surgery!

I understand where my frustrations were coming from, but I kinda hate that it took me so long to get back in there to see them. I think I let my pride get in the way, even though I knew I needed a tweak, I was kind of embarassed I guess? It's like getting a progress report when you know you had a bad test grade. But I sucked it up and went in there and got so much positive feedback from them. The nurse who weighed me could tell I was disappointed (maybe because my eyes swelled up with tears in .2 seconds.. bless it.) and quickly said, Well Becky, you LOST 2 pounds. You didn't GAIN 2 pounds, look at it that way! Between her, Jeff and Fuzz, I was on cloud 9 by the time I left the office. I felt a sense of confidence I had long been lacking!

A lot of things happened right before my plateau started, and some of them I'm still dealing with, or just overcoming. This feels like a turning point in my life. I definitely feel like good things are happening and are going to happen in the near future.. I hope my gut instinct is right, because I could sure use a shift of winds and a positive change in luck! I'll always have obstacles, but I'm learning how to deal with them on my own rather than just doll them up or muffle them and sweep them under the rug, hoping they'll just go away.

I found one of my journals that I kept when I was in college. Oh, my life! One thing I can say is that I haven't changed a bit in the past 8-ish years. It was pretty precious reading my heart-spilling diary and looking back on how things ended up or didn't.. and of course, always for the best. One thing that made me feel amazing was reading the things that one guy said about me. One that I was pretty sure I was in love with, but just couldn't bring myself to accept, mainly for fear of others' opinions. He had told me that I was one of the happiest people he had ever met and that when we were in a crowd I always had something positive thing to say, among other things that only my closest friends or my family would know about me and pick up on.

When I was 18 I didn't believe him. At 26 I do. I've done a lot and seen a lot and felt a million different things since then, but one thing I've held onto is my positivity. Yes, I may have made up that word, but it's the only way I can describe it. If I had a motto it would be "positivity is the key." I let that slip away the past few months, and although I kept thinking it was coming back, my life was paused for a few months. In a few different ways. It's been like a CD that's skipping.. you think it's going to work, but, oh.. nope, just kidding! Now, I think I've finally hit play and I'm ready to move on with things from this point forward! I'm on the right track.

This week I've regained confidence. I've found that spark within myself again. The independent one. The one put my own happiness first is NOT dependent on a man to make me feel that way. I realize that someday when I'm married, I'll be dependent on my husband to some extent, and vise versa, but I will never NEED him to make me truly happy. That is evident in the amount of friends I have who make me laugh til I cry on a regular basis. They make me happy, so it's not up to just one guy to do so! That's a balance that I've not been able to make for a while, but I feel so bad for myself for having felt that way! What a shame! That said, I feared the worst, but had a wonderful Valentines Day!

Work has been a bit easier as well. A lot of people have come and gotten their checks, and they love me when I tell them I have it! The others... well... I'll deal with them when I figure out how. But, my kindness-killing has worked, and I've only had to get snippy with one lady who just wouldn't let me speak! The nerve!

Life is, just that... life. I'm dealing with things as they come to fruition and making the most of crappy situations! I am beyondddd blessed to have such an amazing family. I know I've said it a million times, but they are the kind of family who will do anything for you. Any of them will stand on their head for an hour if it means they're helping me. They have gone to great lengths to support me through one of the most difficult battles I've ever, and will ever face, and they have done so in stride, without ever expecting anything in return, other than, of course, my gratitude ;) I don't know how I'll ever repay them, but I hope that my words have some weight to them. I know this is something we'll never fully recover from, but the fact that they haven't changed their opinions speaks volumes to their character. Speaking of which, mine has changed a lot just in the past 6 months.. definitely for the better.

I'm glad that I'm finally growing up, and although I've made mistake after mistake after mistake.. and there are bound to be more minor ones at some point in my future.. I know that I will always, always, come out on top, because that is how I was raised. Not that it justifies my mistakes, but to say that I learn from them isn't enough. I grow from them. I may never make the same mistake twice or I may make the same one 8947 times before I realize that it gets the same result, but either way, when I do learn, I grow. I'm glad I'm growing UP and not growing OUT anymore ;) Although I'll never make it past 5'2"...

I'm so excited that I am only 2 pounds away from the 70 pound overall weightloss mark! How crazy is that? I never lost more than 15 pounds on a diet... and that was when I was in high school.. so I obviously gained it all back.. and then some.. and then some more! I've learned that I've got to work to make the band work. I've got to change things in order to see change. I can't just expect it to happen, I've got to actually be conscious of everything!

I've definitley been working out more, and even though I got frustrated that it wasn't helping me see results, I've still gone to Body Pump, if only once a week, for the past couple of weeks! It's the textbook definition of a love/hate relationship. The sets workout literally EVERY muscle in your body, and by like the 3rd song, my legs are generally trembling. It's SUCH a good workout though and I feel so much better when it's done!.. although I'm sore for a couple of days. I know I don't make it sound that appealing, but if you ever want to go, come with me :)

All that said, I'm really, honestly proud of myself, happy with my progress, and confident in my future. I've got my head in the game again, game face on, and I'm ready to plow through these next (what seems like bajillion) 30-some pounds just like I did the first 67!

Thank you to you, for the difference you've made in my life!

NMW,

<3

Recent pictures:

This may seem silly, but I'm excited that I can definitely feel and you can almost see my collar bones! Ok, maybe you can't tell.. but I can!

WIW I'll cry if I want to!

WIW is here again... and has come and gone with no change. Bleh. Thank goodness my appt with Fuzz is tomorrow, because I have got to get over this hump!! It's driving me crazy. Even though I'm close to their goal for me, I'm just not ready to settle. I've still got a ways to go in my opinion!

I'm not sure what he'll say, whether he'll think we need to add more fluid to the band or take some out.. but one way or the other, something's going to change, by gosh! My coworker had her surgery yesterday morning, first thing! I am so excited for her. I don't many people are nearly as enthusiastic or get as excited as I do about things... but this is huge to me and I am ecstatic for her!

I know I said I wasn't going to get personal in this blog anymore, but there's so much on my heart and on my mind that I just have to get out before I explode (oh wait.. that just happened.. in my car.. on my lunch break.. I screamed until I felt a little better... I could go for more.)

My job is taking it's toll on me this week.. not that I don't still love the position I'm in, it's just the nitty gritty that gets to me.. the incessant phone calls and the "gimme gimme gimme" attitude of the clients who are, ironically, fortunate enough to get energy assistance checks. Some people don't qualify for various reasons, but the ones who do have taken entitlement to a whole new level. I was warned of this, but my gosh.. they're vultures I tell you! People never cease to amaze me. Even in the line of work I'm in and even though I studied sociology, people still find ways to lower my faith in society.

I'm not surprised that the one person that I thought could, in no way shape or form, ever hurt me any more than they already have, found a way to do so. This wouldn't be surprising to most everyone in my life, but it came in the form that it always does, only this time, it was a little too close to home. Ha. I just hate the fact that I am soo naive when it comes to who I associate with, but I'll tell you one thing, it's really hard to make me mad, and as Ash W would put it: Don't wake her up. Don't talk to a guy she likes or has dated. She knows me too well ;) But I'm just sayin.. do people even think before they act these days? They keep secrets from you to spare your feelings, but they have to know that the bomb is eventually going to explode, and when it does, they can't expect it to just dissipate immediately. I'm rambling. I'm going to save this topic for my bff and roommate tonight.

Speaking of my roommate! I have a new one! And she's sweet as molasses, but just as quick witted and fiesty as I am. Two peas in a pod. I just lovee Ms. Annie, and the fact that I get to see Bahnie's kids every once in a while when she's working and brings them over! Neither of us can cook, but we've got sloppy joes down like pros.

Life is slowing down some, which I like. I think all my rowdy friends have settled down, and I'm quite content with that. I'm facing a lot of uphill battles right now, so my social life definitely needs to be on the back burner anyway.

I may post more after my appt tomorrow.. depending on my mood... right now I am just processing and dealing with things as they come.. which isn't always easy! I hate to be a debbie downer so I'm just going to gather up my tears, put 'em in my pocket, save 'em for a time when I'm really gonna need 'em.. as the Band Perry would so eloquently put it.

le sigh...

NMW,

<3

WIW.. Fearfully & Wonderfully

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." ~ Psalm 139:13-16

The above passage has always been one of my very favorites. As many times as I've read it, today it made me cry. It's power and truth strike me to my core. I'm not sure when I realized that my body is a temple. I'm not sure I have realized it yet. Even now when I look at my body in mirror I have unrealistic views of what it should look like, will look like, or would've looked like had I never gained the weight I did. I wonder what it would be like to have been average sized my whole entire life. Easy? I doubt that. Easier? Most definitely.

I'll be the first to admit that I have a distorted body image. I always have. When I was 245 pounds I was in complete denial. I really thought I looked fine, and people would tell me that I carried my weight well, that they wouldn't have guessed I weighed that much. I didn't want to believe I did! It's hard to remember that I have come a long way from that girl. For goodness sakes I've lost 65 pounds since then. (Oh, by the way... I haven't lost this week. My appt is in 8 days.. but who's counting?) But as soon as I start to pat myself on the back, I think.. wait.. I'm still not to my goal yet... and this plateu crap is for the birds.. I've got to keep going so that I can be completely happy with my body when I look in the mirror. Which brings me to my next topic: support.

I have the utmost wonderful support group EVER. Each of you has helped me in ways you don't even realize. Whether it be sacrificing your favorite restaurant or meal so that we can eat somewhere or something "Becky friendly" or dragging my butt to the gym when I whine and say I just don't wanna. Sometimes you drop compliments without even realizing it or without even knowing that I'm having a down day. There are a million ways that you as my family and friends support me, and for that I am eternally grateful (like a broken record... but I don't know how else to put it.)!

That said, there came a point where I realized that I needed peer mediation. Thanks to one of my coworkers who is having LapBand sugery with Fuzz next week (!!!!!.. we'll get to that later!) I decided to go to the Weight Loss Surgery Support Group meeting.. I had never been as a post-op.. only as an inquisitive pre-op patient. The first 45 minutes consist of a small group of those of us who have the Band. I only know like two other people who have ever had the Band, so talking to them and comparing notes was so nice. Not to mention, seeing my favorite psychologist, Dr. Smith! I expressed my frustration with the plateu and he asked the group how many of them had ever had a 3 month plateu.. everyone raised their hands. It made me feel so much better. Like.. I'm not crazy and I'm not doing something wrong!

The second part was a general meeting with everyone who has had weight loss surgery and Dr. Fernandez (Fuzz) came by for a bit! Incase you weren't aware, I caught the nasty stomach bug that was going around. It hit me last Monday night and I was "throwing up" (I won't go into detail, but it's a whole new ballgame) or basically dry heaving from 8pm-5am. UGH. I was able to ask Fuzz about this, because I was scared to death my band was going to slip and the last thing I want is for them to have to go back in and fix it! Yuck! His advice was to take the phenegrine that I still have from after surgery or ask them to call in a prescription asap so as to avoid such a catastrophe! Good to know... I haven't felt any different since then, so I'm guessing there was no slippage! Whew.

Okay, so anyway, speaking of that meeting, my friend Gina from work went with me. She came to me a few months ago, maybe Sept or October-ish? and asked me about my surgery because she was interested in having it. I told her everything I did (just as my lovely mentor, Molly, did for me!) and what steps she should take in order to find out if this was her best option. She did everything and her surgery is scheduled for next Tuesday! I can't tell you how excited I am for her. And to know that my progress and hardwork are what made her decide to have the procedure is just indescribable. I've never in my life been seen as a role model for weight loss. Everrrr. It kind of.. almost.. starts to put things in perspective.

I mean, I know how much I've sacrificed and I know all of the good, bad and ugly things I've gone through in the past 10 months.. but for someone else to say, you make me want to have this surgery so that I can get my weight and my health under control almost makes me in awe of myself. Not in a cocky, look what I can do, way, but in an... I'm worthy of this way.

I can't believe it's been almost a year. It literally shocks me. I passed the 1 year expected weight loss mark a while back, so I can be happy about that, but I have an insatiable urge to make it to my personal goal. I'm not giving myself an unrealistic time line for that, but definitely within the next few months - 1 year max.

I keep trying to keep this less personal, but I'm such an open book that it's hard for me not to delve into my innermost feeilngs and throw it all out here! It makes me feel better most times... other times it just makes me feel completely vulnerable... catch 22!

My sister and I have been trying different classes at the Y! Having been a couch potatoe for most of my life it occurred to me the other day that I have tried 4 different classes in like 6 months! Hip hop, Zumba, Step Up and Body Pump! Hip hop & Zumba were funnn, Step Up was ridiculously hard and I may never step foot in that class again, and Body Pump is probably my very most favorite! We have a love/hate relationship. This class literally hits everythingggg. It's day 3 and I'm still sore, but going to work it out tonight.. just not in that class! I think I have a once a week Body Pump minimum until I can work up to twice! I'm going to be ripped if I keep this up! ;)

Works been great.... if you enjoy having 32 missed calls when you get back from a day off for jury duty.... I'm not sure what part of "first couple of weeks in February" says the 1st or 2nd day of the month, but these people want their checks! I can't blame them... I want their checks!

Now I'm just rambling.... today is Buster's birthday. The dog we got when I was hmm.. 7? 8? and had until I was 22. Granted, it's been almost 3.5 years since he died, but if you know me, you know how sentimental I am. That dog was literally a part of the family. Without even knowing it he could turn my day around with an exuberant jump.. or attempt at a jump in the later days.. Even when he drove me crazy, he still made me laugh! I la la la loved him, and I still do :)

NMW,

<3

WIW For The Win

So I'm finallyyyy back! Things are somewhat calm again and now that all of the hoildays and birthdays are over and my work is managable again, I can get back to blogging! Yay!

I am happy to report that I've hit the 179 mark! I realize it's been like a month since I've posted, so you were probably expecting something way more exciting... but to me, that's exciting. I even did a little happy dance when I saw the number on the scale!

Unfortunately, due to my phone number change, I missed my reminder for my appt with Fuzz Dec 10th, in turn my next appt is not until Feb 10th which seems like an agonizingly long time away right now, but just like the past few weeks, it will fly by! It warmed my heart to hear through the grapevine that one of the team members asked someone how I was doing :)

Maybe you're wondering the same.. I'm doing great! I'm not losing nearly as fast and I'm really frustrated with that, but I feel like not gaining 10 pounds over the holidays is truly a win for me. I'm shocked that I didn't get back up to 200 with all the yummy goodness around me!

One of the most incredible experiences thus far has definitely been celebrating my 26th birthday and not weighing 260 pounds. Because, regardless of any diet I could have been on, that's where I would have been had I not taken this incredibly difficult yet rewarding journey. Instead, I'm almost 100 pounds lighter than that, and what a mircale and blessing that is! How can you not feel good about yourself when you come to that realization? Not to toot my own horn.... but.... toot toot! :)

Right now I'm struggling with finding the balance between putting myself first and being selfless. There's definitely a fine line! I have always aimed to make everyone around me happy, first and foremost, and for a while there I started forgetting about everyone else and just making sure that I was happy, all the time and doing whatever it was that I wanted to do in the moment, etc. I lost sight of what makes me happy: other people's company. It wasn't until I started to notice that I wasn't hanging out with my bff's as much as usual that something clicked, and I kind of "got it." I was headed in the wrong direction and if I didn't get a hold of the reigns, things weren't going to be pretty. Two of my best friends were the ones who finally pointed it out to me.

I kept complaining about them being "mad at me" and basically making excuses as to why they weren't hanging out with me as much... feeling sorry for myself as my Mom would put it. But, after communicating, reflecting and analyzing, I realized that I was being completely selfish. I was chasing something (someone) completely wrong for me and letting him put me in situations and around people that made me uncomfortable and omitting facts from my very best friends so that they wouldn't judge the situation. Who does that? Someone who is being selfish and is completely lost in the "moment."

Luckily, I've taken heed to the wakeup calls that God has given me and I'm out of the mentality that I can do what I want when I want. I definitely regressed a bit, but in the past couple of weeks.. days even, I've grown and learned from those mistakes. I'm trying to be as evasive as possible, but I hope that when I re-read this I remember what I'm referring to, so that I can continue to learn and grow and not get caught up in another bad situation!

Speaking of re-reading things..... I got an AWESOME birthday present from my fried Ash W! She had this blog made into a BOOK! It's incredible. It's literally one of the only things that has fixed my "writers block" as of late. Besides being busy, I just haven't felt very inspired. Boy did that change when I got that book in my hands! I couldn't wait to get back to tapping on this keyboard and pounding out my thoughts. It's so very cathartic for me and I do enjoy it so much. I don't care if no one ever reads it, it's something tangible for me to have to process my thoughts and the good, bad and ugly parts of this journey. To say that I could remember it all on my own would be absolutely ridiculous. I have a very selective (good only generally) and short term memory. It's hard for me to remember the trials and tribulations sometimes, because I have a tendancy to be an optimist to a fault!

Just flipping through the pages, I've re-read some of the entries that were the hardest for me to write. And just knowing that it's been less than a year since I wrote those posts, or went through those difficult times, I realized that yes, some of the wounds are still fresh, but .... life goes on. I've realized how good I am at not dwelling on the past. If I get upset about something, chances are that I'll store it in my memory bank, and it will take some time for me to be completely over it, but once it's there, it's not something I'll bring up again, I'll just mentally remind myself of who I can trust and who I can't. I applaud myself for that because it's not a trait I see in a lot of people. If I weren't this way, I'm not sure that I'd have nearly as many people in my life who care about, love, and support me. I hope I can continue this self reflection in the months to come, because it is definitely helping my spirit!

Hmmm... what haven't I touched on? Ah, yes, the big G! God :)

First and foremost, my relationship with God is still blooming. I feel like I'm on the cusp of a relgious growth spurt as a wise woman once said (okay, last night... see? short term memory). I went to God Encounters with my dear sweet friend last night, and it was such an awesome experience as always. Somehow everytime I go I feel like the featured speaker is talking directly to me in some way. Granted, her story of helping her father, a Mafia drug ring leader, find Jesus had no correlation to my family whatsoever, but the story of her own salvation touched my heart just the same. Her fear of asking God what His purpose for her was, opened my eyes to my own fear of asking and leaving myself completel open and vulnerable to whatever it may be. I know what I want to do with my life, but trusting in His takes so much faith and hope, and that's something I am trying to muster up. I'm confident that I'm going to figure it out sooner than later and I'm ready for the challenge.

And we can't forget about the little G.. Graham!
What a blessing! He literally gets more precious everyday. And his personality is so, so sweet. He's got so much of each of his parents in him! He's got a sense of humor like his Dad.. when you make him laugh, you know you've done something really funny, which just makes you feel good! And what a contagious laugh it is! He's just as sweet and cuddly and comforting when you need it, as his Mom and I literally can't help but be in a wonderful mood when I'm around them! I stayed the night at my sister's Tuesday and when she got up to take Macy out, she brought him to the bed I was sleeping in, and what a treat that was! There's literally no better way to start the day then to open your eyes and see a sweet baby boy recognize you and smile! I find it hard to believe my sister when she says he recognizes me, but now I think she's right and not "just saying that!" :) Now, the day that someone he's not familar with is holding him and he reaches for me... that will be the day that my life as Aunt Beck is complete!

I can't remember if I've mentioned Body Pump in here yet, but if not, it's awesomeeee! I've only been once, due to the ridiculously busy nature of the past month, but I can't wait to go back and do it again! The week I went, I was at the Y 4 times in a week... I was off to a great start.. and then BAM! Christmas, birthdays, New Years, my birthday, friends birthdays..... how are those for excuses?? ;) So now, it's time to get my butt back into gear and back to the mill of treads. One of my friend's boyfriend was telling me about the Cross Fit program that he's been doing and he raved about it, so I'm going to do my research on that and find a program that suits me! I guess I'm kind of tired of the FitLinxx, although I do love it! I just get bored so easily... gotta switch it up and keep it interesting.

Have a rambled a months worth? Probably not....!

I hope those of you who are reading this had an amazing holiday season and I wish you the most incredible 2011 ever :)

I still love you and I still love me!

NMW,
<3

PICTURE TIMEEEEE:

Christmas 2009 and Christmas 2010!
(Wow.. I'm so glad I chose these two... what a difference! :)



Birthday 2010 and Birthday 2011!
(Please note: The theme of my 26th birthday was 80's!)