NMW,
<3
October 2009 VS August 2011
March 23, 2010 my life changed in an amazing way. This is my Lap-Band (weight loss surgery) experience from start to present...
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Losing!
According to my scale this morning: 165. My Doctor's goal. Bam.
I'm not done losing yet, but sometimes pictures speak louder than words.
NMW,
<3
October 2009 VS August 2011
NMW,
<3
October 2009 VS August 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
No regrets.
I feel the need to blog about something that happened, because, I have freedom of speech and this is something that needs to be said.
Bullying, in any way, shape or form, is uncalled for. I'm a 26 year old grown woman and it has happened to me. It can happen to anyone. Let me start by saying, I'm not going to call anyone out personally, because I'm above that. No names will be spoken, and you can assume what you want.
Being a malicious person is beyond my realm of thought. I'm not sure I'm capable of being a truly "mean girl." But for probably the first time in my life I've been victimized. Why? Because my sense of humor and a harmless comment on a friend's facebook was perceived as flirting. So be it. But deal with it on your own. Not by commenting after me saying "I hate it when fat girls flirt with you." Really? I feel like I could just end this here.
But, being the bigger (ha.) person that I am, I simply deleted my comment and dealt with the difficult person in a private manor. A simple, "I'm sorry," would have sufficed, rather than resulting in me having to block this person to end the nonsense messages and assist in protecting whatever shred of dignity she had left.
What really struck me was that in the midst of it, she made herself completely vulnerable and admitted that she was bitter towards me (and God knows who else). That's understandable, and if I were a threat or constant nuisance, I could understand even more. It wasn't understandable at all, and that's why it came as such a shock. What made it worse was that she mentioned that my lap band didn't make me any better (hence I wanted to blog about the incident even more!) so she clearly, without knowing me, knew where my Achilles tendon lay. Well played.
My mind went from shocked to pissed to disgusted to humored within about a 5 minute span. I didn't expect to laugh instead of cry. But it was at that point, I realized something. The lap band has made me "better." Not necessarily in any kind of physical or societal sense, but in a human being sense. It's made me realize so many things. Granted I was a Sociology major, so I constantly think about the way that we interact as a human race. I have become so much more aware of how people treated me before, versus how they treat me now when I'm losing weight and am on the smaller side of larger, closer to 'normal.'
I basically realized that other people's opionions are manifestations of their own insecurities. Duh, I knew that already. But I never realized that they would use those to lash out at me. This girl is not fat by any means, she's a pretty girl by any dude's standard. I have no idea where her insecurities lie, but there's therapy for that. I've been in relationships where I felt insecure, but I've gotten to the point now that I realize that whoever I am with is going to like me more than anyone else and that's the kind of person I'm going to like more than anyone else. Bottom line. It won't be a competition and I'll never feel the need to belittle someone just to make myself feel superior. And for the record, he apologized to me for her actions.
I feel like everyone has a voice and not everyone uses theirs for the betterment of others. If this had happened 2 years ago when I was at my highest weight, I would've chalked it up, cried, and forced it out of my memory. But that never got me anywhere but heavier, in every way. The day this happened, Monday, when I got home from work, I wanted to cry and get it over with because I knew it was coming. The best part was, it never happened. All of this hardwork I've put into making myself a better person? It finally came to fruition and let me deal with it like the 26 year old strong, independent woman that I am. Instead of taking up the offer to "meet at Mossy's to talk face to face," (bar fight? Ha.) I did my laundry and got ready for work the next day. Boom.
You know what else is awesome? Having an army. Nothing, even deleted comments, gets past my best friends. And without my even mentioning it to them, they took it upon themselves to stand up for me. I never thought I'd need them to do such a thing, but I was literally shaking from (too much coffee) the overwhelming sense of love that I felt when they went to bat for me. It was such a small thing that was done, but it's positive impact was much more than I expected. The hateful nature of the comment made me realize that although I'm still not completely bulletproof, I have come a longgg way.
Anywayyy, I've been very busy lately, which is always a good thing. Lots of showers, weddings, bachelorette parties, birthdays and imminent babies on their way! These are definitely the days of "everyone's getting married and having babies" and I just love it. And obviously we're just saving the best for last ;)
I really just have nothing witty or insightful to say today, because that soapbox took a lot out of me. Sooo, here are some fun pins for you:
yep.
"I found a man, but I'll always need my girls."
<3,
NMW
Bullying, in any way, shape or form, is uncalled for. I'm a 26 year old grown woman and it has happened to me. It can happen to anyone. Let me start by saying, I'm not going to call anyone out personally, because I'm above that. No names will be spoken, and you can assume what you want.
Being a malicious person is beyond my realm of thought. I'm not sure I'm capable of being a truly "mean girl." But for probably the first time in my life I've been victimized. Why? Because my sense of humor and a harmless comment on a friend's facebook was perceived as flirting. So be it. But deal with it on your own. Not by commenting after me saying "I hate it when fat girls flirt with you." Really? I feel like I could just end this here.
But, being the bigger (ha.) person that I am, I simply deleted my comment and dealt with the difficult person in a private manor. A simple, "I'm sorry," would have sufficed, rather than resulting in me having to block this person to end the nonsense messages and assist in protecting whatever shred of dignity she had left.
What really struck me was that in the midst of it, she made herself completely vulnerable and admitted that she was bitter towards me (and God knows who else). That's understandable, and if I were a threat or constant nuisance, I could understand even more. It wasn't understandable at all, and that's why it came as such a shock. What made it worse was that she mentioned that my lap band didn't make me any better (hence I wanted to blog about the incident even more!) so she clearly, without knowing me, knew where my Achilles tendon lay. Well played.
My mind went from shocked to pissed to disgusted to humored within about a 5 minute span. I didn't expect to laugh instead of cry. But it was at that point, I realized something. The lap band has made me "better." Not necessarily in any kind of physical or societal sense, but in a human being sense. It's made me realize so many things. Granted I was a Sociology major, so I constantly think about the way that we interact as a human race. I have become so much more aware of how people treated me before, versus how they treat me now when I'm losing weight and am on the smaller side of larger, closer to 'normal.'
I basically realized that other people's opionions are manifestations of their own insecurities. Duh, I knew that already. But I never realized that they would use those to lash out at me. This girl is not fat by any means, she's a pretty girl by any dude's standard. I have no idea where her insecurities lie, but there's therapy for that. I've been in relationships where I felt insecure, but I've gotten to the point now that I realize that whoever I am with is going to like me more than anyone else and that's the kind of person I'm going to like more than anyone else. Bottom line. It won't be a competition and I'll never feel the need to belittle someone just to make myself feel superior. And for the record, he apologized to me for her actions.
I feel like everyone has a voice and not everyone uses theirs for the betterment of others. If this had happened 2 years ago when I was at my highest weight, I would've chalked it up, cried, and forced it out of my memory. But that never got me anywhere but heavier, in every way. The day this happened, Monday, when I got home from work, I wanted to cry and get it over with because I knew it was coming. The best part was, it never happened. All of this hardwork I've put into making myself a better person? It finally came to fruition and let me deal with it like the 26 year old strong, independent woman that I am. Instead of taking up the offer to "meet at Mossy's to talk face to face," (bar fight? Ha.) I did my laundry and got ready for work the next day. Boom.
You know what else is awesome? Having an army. Nothing, even deleted comments, gets past my best friends. And without my even mentioning it to them, they took it upon themselves to stand up for me. I never thought I'd need them to do such a thing, but I was literally shaking from (too much coffee) the overwhelming sense of love that I felt when they went to bat for me. It was such a small thing that was done, but it's positive impact was much more than I expected. The hateful nature of the comment made me realize that although I'm still not completely bulletproof, I have come a longgg way.
Anywayyy, I've been very busy lately, which is always a good thing. Lots of showers, weddings, bachelorette parties, birthdays and imminent babies on their way! These are definitely the days of "everyone's getting married and having babies" and I just love it. And obviously we're just saving the best for last ;)
I really just have nothing witty or insightful to say today, because that soapbox took a lot out of me. Sooo, here are some fun pins for you:
yep.
"I found a man, but I'll always need my girls."
<3,
NMW
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Tied Together With a Smile
Taking Care of Becky - that's the name of the game these days, friends.
I've been "independent" for 3 & 1/2 years now. Yep. But I use the term loosely, as my parents have been there for support every step of the way. For example: how would I know that my car was leaking fluid if not for my Dad? I wouldn't. How would I know that the 100 calorie Milano cookies I thought were a figment of my imagination were on sale at Harris Teeter without my Mom? Wouldn't. You know what else I wouldn't know? How to pay bills. How to convince myself that when I don't feel good at work, to set small goals - "if I can just make it through lunch... well, I've made it through lunch, might as well stay til 5:30." I wouldn't drive a car that's paid for til the wheels fall off. I wouldn't be a world traveler. I'd stay in my comfort zone forever. And I'd have 8938141 dogs.
Something tells me that if I hadn't been raised so well, I'd be spineless. I'd never stand my ground. I'd put up with people treating me poorly, even those closest to me. I wouldn't tell them that the words that they say or things that they do, hurt my feelings. And I wouldn't have the guts to call them out on it when this happens. I'd be living a life that I couldn't possibly be proud of.
I am proud of myself in so many ways. I'm proud that I gained control of my weight, but I'm more proud that I gained control of my life. I finally started putting myself, my needs, my wants and my goals first. I'm doing things that will help me in the long run and I'm living the kind of life that I can be proud of, and more importantly, one that makes my parents proud.
That said, I also cried to my parents a couple of weeks ago, because I felt like a terrible person. I've grown a lot just in the past year, and I've definitely raised my standards when it comes to guys. I've kissed my fair share of toads and at some point, recently, I guess it just clicked that "I have to sit on my pedestal and let the prince find me." It didn't feel right to just straight up ignore the advances from parties I was not interested in, but at the same time, I've been led on and I would never treat someone in such a way.
"Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen." Is one of the most inspiring quotes I've ever read. And of course I found it on Pinterest, which is my new obsession. Not that I'll ever do half of the crafts or cook the things I find on there, but it's always fun to window shop and get ideas for gifts and "maybe someday" things. My favorite pins, though, are always the inspriational quotes. They are mostly cliche and things I've read a 100 times, but sometimes it's like the sun hits it a different way and it's just what you need to see at that moment.
Ever since I read that quote, and have started living in such a way, wonderful things have actually started happening. I've started living my life so that I'm prepared for wonderful things, not just trudging along and leaving a mess in my wake. I've started cleaning up my act in other aspects of my life completely unrelated to my weightloss. I think I got so caught up in that aspect that I forgot that the rest of my life was still going on.
Right now I'm going through the exciting but exhausting process of a refinance, with rates as low as they are right now, so that I can have lower payments and hopefully just "go it alone" and not have to find a new roommate. Although it's so dang lonely, I really need to enjoy this 'me' time and just be grateful! I've been turning over a new leaf lately, that's for dang sure. I feel like I'm kind of molding into the grown up version of me, and out of the awkward post-grad phase. It feels great to have things in order, even if my apartment is only immaculate because the appraiser is coming today. Whatever. I'm going to try my darndest to keep it up this time. It's like anything else... you make the giant leap into it, and then you just maintain. I got this.
There are some physical appearance changes in the works as well, nothing drastic like plastic surgery or anything (that's way down the road, like, post kids ;) but just little things that make me feel awesome. And who doesn't want to feel awesome? Between ridiculously good Groupon deals and an amazing hairstylist, I may or may not be pampering and spoiling myself just a little bit. Don't judge me. It's all about putting myself first and being the best Becky I can be. I'd totally put a ring on it if that wasn't weird.
I don't know what's come over me lately but I have been in the business of GETTIN ISH DONE. Like, lazy Becky got a pink slip or something. Maybe it's the awesome weather? Maybe this isn't real life and I'm just dreaming it? Most likely this is just another layer of the new Becky emerging and it's welcome to stick around for the long haul.
My mind keeps taking me back to 3 years ago... there's some significance there, but I'm not sure why. I guess that's when I started this job and started really feeling like I was preparing myself for the future, although I still felt like a fish out of water trying to fake it til I could make it. There are so many things I would have changed, but so many things I wouldn't trade for the world. I wish I could tell my 23 year old self what to beware of, and not to be so trust worthy, and to get that damn car door fixed by someone else!
I know I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for all of the trials and tribulations I've faced, and sometimes when I feel like "something's gotta give," I realize, I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and when I'm taking care of #1, everything around me starts falling into place.
Oh, and I'm still wogging! Sometimes even BY MYSELF. That, loves, is what I call progress.
NMW,
<3
I've been "independent" for 3 & 1/2 years now. Yep. But I use the term loosely, as my parents have been there for support every step of the way. For example: how would I know that my car was leaking fluid if not for my Dad? I wouldn't. How would I know that the 100 calorie Milano cookies I thought were a figment of my imagination were on sale at Harris Teeter without my Mom? Wouldn't. You know what else I wouldn't know? How to pay bills. How to convince myself that when I don't feel good at work, to set small goals - "if I can just make it through lunch... well, I've made it through lunch, might as well stay til 5:30." I wouldn't drive a car that's paid for til the wheels fall off. I wouldn't be a world traveler. I'd stay in my comfort zone forever. And I'd have 8938141 dogs.
Something tells me that if I hadn't been raised so well, I'd be spineless. I'd never stand my ground. I'd put up with people treating me poorly, even those closest to me. I wouldn't tell them that the words that they say or things that they do, hurt my feelings. And I wouldn't have the guts to call them out on it when this happens. I'd be living a life that I couldn't possibly be proud of.
I am proud of myself in so many ways. I'm proud that I gained control of my weight, but I'm more proud that I gained control of my life. I finally started putting myself, my needs, my wants and my goals first. I'm doing things that will help me in the long run and I'm living the kind of life that I can be proud of, and more importantly, one that makes my parents proud.
That said, I also cried to my parents a couple of weeks ago, because I felt like a terrible person. I've grown a lot just in the past year, and I've definitely raised my standards when it comes to guys. I've kissed my fair share of toads and at some point, recently, I guess it just clicked that "I have to sit on my pedestal and let the prince find me." It didn't feel right to just straight up ignore the advances from parties I was not interested in, but at the same time, I've been led on and I would never treat someone in such a way.
"Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen." Is one of the most inspiring quotes I've ever read. And of course I found it on Pinterest, which is my new obsession. Not that I'll ever do half of the crafts or cook the things I find on there, but it's always fun to window shop and get ideas for gifts and "maybe someday" things. My favorite pins, though, are always the inspriational quotes. They are mostly cliche and things I've read a 100 times, but sometimes it's like the sun hits it a different way and it's just what you need to see at that moment.
Ever since I read that quote, and have started living in such a way, wonderful things have actually started happening. I've started living my life so that I'm prepared for wonderful things, not just trudging along and leaving a mess in my wake. I've started cleaning up my act in other aspects of my life completely unrelated to my weightloss. I think I got so caught up in that aspect that I forgot that the rest of my life was still going on.
Right now I'm going through the exciting but exhausting process of a refinance, with rates as low as they are right now, so that I can have lower payments and hopefully just "go it alone" and not have to find a new roommate. Although it's so dang lonely, I really need to enjoy this 'me' time and just be grateful! I've been turning over a new leaf lately, that's for dang sure. I feel like I'm kind of molding into the grown up version of me, and out of the awkward post-grad phase. It feels great to have things in order, even if my apartment is only immaculate because the appraiser is coming today. Whatever. I'm going to try my darndest to keep it up this time. It's like anything else... you make the giant leap into it, and then you just maintain. I got this.
There are some physical appearance changes in the works as well, nothing drastic like plastic surgery or anything (that's way down the road, like, post kids ;) but just little things that make me feel awesome. And who doesn't want to feel awesome? Between ridiculously good Groupon deals and an amazing hairstylist, I may or may not be pampering and spoiling myself just a little bit. Don't judge me. It's all about putting myself first and being the best Becky I can be. I'd totally put a ring on it if that wasn't weird.
I don't know what's come over me lately but I have been in the business of GETTIN ISH DONE. Like, lazy Becky got a pink slip or something. Maybe it's the awesome weather? Maybe this isn't real life and I'm just dreaming it? Most likely this is just another layer of the new Becky emerging and it's welcome to stick around for the long haul.
My mind keeps taking me back to 3 years ago... there's some significance there, but I'm not sure why. I guess that's when I started this job and started really feeling like I was preparing myself for the future, although I still felt like a fish out of water trying to fake it til I could make it. There are so many things I would have changed, but so many things I wouldn't trade for the world. I wish I could tell my 23 year old self what to beware of, and not to be so trust worthy, and to get that damn car door fixed by someone else!
I know I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for all of the trials and tribulations I've faced, and sometimes when I feel like "something's gotta give," I realize, I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and when I'm taking care of #1, everything around me starts falling into place.
Oh, and I'm still wogging! Sometimes even BY MYSELF. That, loves, is what I call progress.
NMW,
<3
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Wogging & Blogging
I am SUCH a slacker. But, whatevs, it's my blog and I'll blog if/when I want to!
There really just hasn't been much to say lately - I seem to always think or say that right before opening the flood gates...
First and foremost, the most exciting news (to me anyway) that I have is that I'm going to have another precious NEPHEW!!! It's a boy! I couldn't be more excited. I imagine this one will be the complete opposite of Graham, and by that I mean - wide open! If he's just like G I will be beyonddd excited, but it will be so interesting to see what his sibling is like. My sister and I are so alike and so different in so many ways - not to mention we look the exact same but with opposite hair/eye colors! :) All I know for sure is that he will be absolutely precious just like his big brother and I will love him to pieces!
I think one of the reasons I haven't blogged in quite some time is because I kind of fell of the wagon, if you will, for a while. I have the attention span of a gnat when it comes to certain things, exercising being one of them. When I get hooked on something else, like reading, which is of course not a bad thing, I tend to forget all about working out. This summer I've been hooked on reading. I've read everything from blogs to The Help to romantic comedies to satirical self help books. I love getting lost in them even for just an hour or so sitting on the porch or laying on the couch and just forgetting about everything else - but you see, what happens when I do that..... I get lazy!!! However, in one of my books, after a traumatic experience (thankfully this wasn't my case, although I could write a book about them), the overweight heroin found herself lost. She was lost because she began walking, and couldn't seem to stop. She walked everywhere, all the time, until she literally wore her shoes out. She took it to the extreme, but she inspired me.
Hence, as I was laying on the couch reading yet another book, and waiting on the next cycle of laundry, I remembered: I want to start WOGGING again! So instead of just thinking it, I did it. I whipped out my "sassy" (as Mom calls them!) walking capris and unburried my sports bra from the heap of laundry, laced up my tennis shoes, and left - taking the trash with me - another thing I tend to put off. I walked to Tanglewood and then started my brisk jogging. I set small goals for myself because obvi, I'm still in the beginning stages. But something just clicked and told me I needed to start again. Something's been missing for the past few weeks, and that's what it was. I am the queen of making excuses, "It's wayy too hot. No one's free to go with me. I'll melt. I'll get Becky-napped. I'm so comfy right now. I'll go tomorrow, I swear. It's way too hot (or cold, or muggy, or mild, or rainy, or dry.)" I ran out of excuses, made like a Nike commericial, and just did it.
I'm jealous of people who LOVE to run. Who love to exercise for that matter. I was not a born athlete. I am soo not competitive. I don't understand the term "runner's high" but I intend to one of these days. Baby steps... baby wogs... one day at a time! My legs are currently throbbing when I walk, but it's a "good pain.. this too shall pass." In my opinion, I'd much prefer the pain and soreness from running, jogging, wogging, etc to emotional pain, so if there's anything I can do to find a release for the things I keep jumbled up inside, then I intend to use that to my advantage. That may be a little deep for all intents and purposes of this post, but that's just kind of how my head works! I like the thought of "running away" from things that I keep inside, and just don't feel like talking about. It's therapeutic, and a heck of a lot cheaper than a co-pay ;)
I really hope I can keep this up, for no one other than myself. I deserve to be in the best physical and mental shape of my life - who doesn't? Sure I've lost a lot of weight, but there's always room for improvement! Therefore, I'm just going to start kicking my own "ask" - just like this little girl who bears a striking resemblance to yours truly at her age... from the haircut to the big brown eyes to the gapped teeth - she sure is cute! Haha. It's old, but some of you may not have seen it...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFN1-uqt2WA
Maybe I should pretend there's a monster coming out of the movie chasing me? There's a plan. If that doesn't work I could find someone with a ferocious dog (with a leash) to run after me - I work best under pressure.
That's about all I've been up to, folks, reading books, blogs, and trying to kick my own ask into gear again.
<3,
NMW
There really just hasn't been much to say lately - I seem to always think or say that right before opening the flood gates...
First and foremost, the most exciting news (to me anyway) that I have is that I'm going to have another precious NEPHEW!!! It's a boy! I couldn't be more excited. I imagine this one will be the complete opposite of Graham, and by that I mean - wide open! If he's just like G I will be beyonddd excited, but it will be so interesting to see what his sibling is like. My sister and I are so alike and so different in so many ways - not to mention we look the exact same but with opposite hair/eye colors! :) All I know for sure is that he will be absolutely precious just like his big brother and I will love him to pieces!
I think one of the reasons I haven't blogged in quite some time is because I kind of fell of the wagon, if you will, for a while. I have the attention span of a gnat when it comes to certain things, exercising being one of them. When I get hooked on something else, like reading, which is of course not a bad thing, I tend to forget all about working out. This summer I've been hooked on reading. I've read everything from blogs to The Help to romantic comedies to satirical self help books. I love getting lost in them even for just an hour or so sitting on the porch or laying on the couch and just forgetting about everything else - but you see, what happens when I do that..... I get lazy!!! However, in one of my books, after a traumatic experience (thankfully this wasn't my case, although I could write a book about them), the overweight heroin found herself lost. She was lost because she began walking, and couldn't seem to stop. She walked everywhere, all the time, until she literally wore her shoes out. She took it to the extreme, but she inspired me.
Hence, as I was laying on the couch reading yet another book, and waiting on the next cycle of laundry, I remembered: I want to start WOGGING again! So instead of just thinking it, I did it. I whipped out my "sassy" (as Mom calls them!) walking capris and unburried my sports bra from the heap of laundry, laced up my tennis shoes, and left - taking the trash with me - another thing I tend to put off. I walked to Tanglewood and then started my brisk jogging. I set small goals for myself because obvi, I'm still in the beginning stages. But something just clicked and told me I needed to start again. Something's been missing for the past few weeks, and that's what it was. I am the queen of making excuses, "It's wayy too hot. No one's free to go with me. I'll melt. I'll get Becky-napped. I'm so comfy right now. I'll go tomorrow, I swear. It's way too hot (or cold, or muggy, or mild, or rainy, or dry.)" I ran out of excuses, made like a Nike commericial, and just did it.
I'm jealous of people who LOVE to run. Who love to exercise for that matter. I was not a born athlete. I am soo not competitive. I don't understand the term "runner's high" but I intend to one of these days. Baby steps... baby wogs... one day at a time! My legs are currently throbbing when I walk, but it's a "good pain.. this too shall pass." In my opinion, I'd much prefer the pain and soreness from running, jogging, wogging, etc to emotional pain, so if there's anything I can do to find a release for the things I keep jumbled up inside, then I intend to use that to my advantage. That may be a little deep for all intents and purposes of this post, but that's just kind of how my head works! I like the thought of "running away" from things that I keep inside, and just don't feel like talking about. It's therapeutic, and a heck of a lot cheaper than a co-pay ;)
I really hope I can keep this up, for no one other than myself. I deserve to be in the best physical and mental shape of my life - who doesn't? Sure I've lost a lot of weight, but there's always room for improvement! Therefore, I'm just going to start kicking my own "ask" - just like this little girl who bears a striking resemblance to yours truly at her age... from the haircut to the big brown eyes to the gapped teeth - she sure is cute! Haha. It's old, but some of you may not have seen it...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFN1-uqt2WA
Maybe I should pretend there's a monster coming out of the movie chasing me? There's a plan. If that doesn't work I could find someone with a ferocious dog (with a leash) to run after me - I work best under pressure.
That's about all I've been up to, folks, reading books, blogs, and trying to kick my own ask into gear again.
<3,
NMW
Thursday, June 16, 2011
I'm a loser, baby!
As I sit here eating my cheetos for lunch.... (hey, I never claimed to be a picture perfect eater.) I am more than excited to say that at present I am 1 pound away from my doctor's goal weight! 166! When I say there will be a throw down when I see the scale say 165, I mean it.
During my initial consult phase of this process, in a meeting with the psychologist, Dr. Jeff Smith, he informed me that with this sugery I could expect to lose 70% of my excess weight in 2-3 years. From the get go, that sounded kinda crazy to me! I just wasn't in a place that I could imagine myself losing that much, ever. Now here I am, almost 15 months out, and about to give that goal a run for its money. Honestly? I'm stunned.
Sometimes I don't know how to feel about it. I have mixed emotions. I've heard people say, "it was easier being fat." and that never made sense to me. There hasn't been a day that I've ever felt like I've crossed over that line. The overall body image mentality doesn't change in 15 months. The insecurities still creep up, because even if you're not morbidly obese anymore, you may never be stick thin. That is absolutely fine with me! I don't want to be super thin, I never have been and never will be. I'd look diseased. No joke. But I do understand now, why people feel that way.
Being "fat," as I've said before, is a security blanket of sorts. It's a shield against the world, against getting hurt. When you're so down on yourself that you feel unlovable, you are. When looking at pictures of yourself makes you question why anyone would ever fall in love with you, there's an issue bigger than your pants size. So, like I say, it's a sort of protection. In the same sense, it makes you build walls, and it keeps you all to yourself. It's the most lonely feeling in the world. As loved as you may be, by your family and friends, you start to assume that all love is platonic, and that becomes okay. It's not, but it is what it is.
When you break out of that shell and you start to lose weight, people notice. Guys notice. People who never gave you a second glance suddenly think you're beautiful. It's not that I never felt beautiful, it's not that I didn't measure up to society's standards - I did, they just had negative connotations associated with them. It's just that I feel like I never knew what it felt like to catch a guy's attention with my looks alone. It's a crazy thing, I tell ya. And it's true what they say, people are nicer to you when you're not big. For shame. It's not that they're mean, there's just a difference between polite and nice, in my opinion.
I hate that society has put such a stigma upon weight. Other than having polycystic ovaries, I was the picture of health. Granted, I faced my biggest fear of never being able to have children, but I'm almost positive that won't be a problem now. But, seriously, just because someone is overweight that doesn't make them a slob. It doesn't mean that they eat everything in sight, and it sure as hell doesn't mean that they don't care about themselves. It annoys me to to end, and I just haven't vented about it enough. Do I feel more healthy? Yes. Does that make me a better person inside? No. Have I vented enough? Yes.
What makes me suuuuuper happy, other than almost being at my goal weight, is that I don't have to compete with my sister anymore! Why? Because she's PREGNANT again! Yayayayay!!!! I'm going to have another neice or nephew come December 28th-ish! How fitting as that is a day that we celebrate every year! Not only is it our Mom's birthday it's also our parents' anniversary! A wonderful day on all accounts :) I am over the moon excited to have another squishy little love around, and I have already made more room in my heart to smother this one with as much love as I do baby Graham. They'll be 18 months apart so I'll have plenty of reason to steal one or both of them away to give Mommy & Daddy a break! I simply cannot wait. I may or may not be more excited about this than Christmas this year!
That's all I've got for now! Hopefully I'll have a milestone post soooooon!
NMW,
<3
During my initial consult phase of this process, in a meeting with the psychologist, Dr. Jeff Smith, he informed me that with this sugery I could expect to lose 70% of my excess weight in 2-3 years. From the get go, that sounded kinda crazy to me! I just wasn't in a place that I could imagine myself losing that much, ever. Now here I am, almost 15 months out, and about to give that goal a run for its money. Honestly? I'm stunned.
Sometimes I don't know how to feel about it. I have mixed emotions. I've heard people say, "it was easier being fat." and that never made sense to me. There hasn't been a day that I've ever felt like I've crossed over that line. The overall body image mentality doesn't change in 15 months. The insecurities still creep up, because even if you're not morbidly obese anymore, you may never be stick thin. That is absolutely fine with me! I don't want to be super thin, I never have been and never will be. I'd look diseased. No joke. But I do understand now, why people feel that way.
Being "fat," as I've said before, is a security blanket of sorts. It's a shield against the world, against getting hurt. When you're so down on yourself that you feel unlovable, you are. When looking at pictures of yourself makes you question why anyone would ever fall in love with you, there's an issue bigger than your pants size. So, like I say, it's a sort of protection. In the same sense, it makes you build walls, and it keeps you all to yourself. It's the most lonely feeling in the world. As loved as you may be, by your family and friends, you start to assume that all love is platonic, and that becomes okay. It's not, but it is what it is.
When you break out of that shell and you start to lose weight, people notice. Guys notice. People who never gave you a second glance suddenly think you're beautiful. It's not that I never felt beautiful, it's not that I didn't measure up to society's standards - I did, they just had negative connotations associated with them. It's just that I feel like I never knew what it felt like to catch a guy's attention with my looks alone. It's a crazy thing, I tell ya. And it's true what they say, people are nicer to you when you're not big. For shame. It's not that they're mean, there's just a difference between polite and nice, in my opinion.
I hate that society has put such a stigma upon weight. Other than having polycystic ovaries, I was the picture of health. Granted, I faced my biggest fear of never being able to have children, but I'm almost positive that won't be a problem now. But, seriously, just because someone is overweight that doesn't make them a slob. It doesn't mean that they eat everything in sight, and it sure as hell doesn't mean that they don't care about themselves. It annoys me to to end, and I just haven't vented about it enough. Do I feel more healthy? Yes. Does that make me a better person inside? No. Have I vented enough? Yes.
What makes me suuuuuper happy, other than almost being at my goal weight, is that I don't have to compete with my sister anymore! Why? Because she's PREGNANT again! Yayayayay!!!! I'm going to have another neice or nephew come December 28th-ish! How fitting as that is a day that we celebrate every year! Not only is it our Mom's birthday it's also our parents' anniversary! A wonderful day on all accounts :) I am over the moon excited to have another squishy little love around, and I have already made more room in my heart to smother this one with as much love as I do baby Graham. They'll be 18 months apart so I'll have plenty of reason to steal one or both of them away to give Mommy & Daddy a break! I simply cannot wait. I may or may not be more excited about this than Christmas this year!
That's all I've got for now! Hopefully I'll have a milestone post soooooon!
NMW,
<3
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
'You are perfect to me.'
First and foremost, I'll just go ahead and apologize for my hiatus from WIW'ing. It's been over a month, which is just crazy - time flies when you're havin fun!
Overall, things are great! I had a rough patch of my body being out of whack, and crept back up to the 170s which was devastating in and of itself. I really beat myself up about it, just like I promised myself I wouldn't. But I'm happy to report that I am back in the 160s :) 169 to be exact! I'm happy with that - I'm so close to my goal that it's like I'm almost teasing myself, or maybe my body is playing tricks on me!
The one thing I've noticed is that, aside from people telling me that I look great, etc. I actually, legitimately feel it these days. I feel like a different person, I guess I am a different person to an extent. I can't remember ever having consecutive days where I just felt pretty (aside from bad hair days.. ehhem.. today.) My confidence astounds me. Things that used to shattered my world roll of my back. I'm even more laid back than I used to be, if that's at all possible.
Granted, there are things that haunt me everyday, but these are the things that I accept and can live with. Everything I've done has gotten me to where I am today and I couldn't be more excited about the progress I've made and everything that is to come my way. My world, for once, revolves fully around me and what makes me happy, be it spending time with my family, hanging out with friends or doing absolutely nothing but sitting by the pool, on the porch or on the couch with a good book.
I've been at the pool a lot this summer already, I think the vitamin d rays are kicking in ;) A coworker this morning said I looked, "tan and rested." Not quite how I would describe myself but it's a nice way to come across! For the first time in a long time, I feel great about myself, inside and out. I thought it would take settling down, getting married, and starting my own family to be completely content - but it turns out I'm doing just fine being an aunt and being picky (rightly so) when it comes to finding the right guy. Dating is fun, so, why not make the most of it?
One year ago today I was anxiously awaiting one of the best moments of my life - the birth of my nephew, baby Graham! The faint feeling, the almost passing out, and the wanting to cry because my sister was in so much pain, are now a distant memory (okay.. kinda..) and are replaced by the wonderful memories of the past year. When I wrote the blog entry about baby G's arrival (http://beckskablog.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-dream.html) I still had no idea how incredibly blessed I was.
From day 1 to day 364 I've felt more love for him than I knew possible. I've graciously changed diapers, given baths, fed and changed clothes at every opportunity. We've giggled uncontrollably together, we've played together, we've cried together, and we've just sat around together - doing absolutely nothing, perfectly. He is the most docile, funny, serious, loving, sweet baby! I know I dote a lot, but whatever, he's my nephew, he's adorable when he's crying.
He has no idea how much he brightens my life. The fact that he lights up and smiles that big toothy grin when I walk in a room melts my heart. Him craning over the side of his car seat when I'm walking towards Jen's car to go somewhere, with that huge smile - again, makes my heart melt. When I've had a bad enough day, the only cure is to go to my sister's and play with that baby boy. Without even knowing it, he makes me laugh when all I want to do is cry.
Speaking of crying, reading my blog entry from last year today made me cry. Happy tears :) I was almost 30 pounds heavier, but still overwhelmed with joy. It's incredible how far I've come since then - in so many ways!
A year ago I would've never thought I could complete a 5K. But by golly, I did! The whole fan-damily and I did the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure. I even wogged (walk/jog) quite a bit. Did I mention I beat my personal record? That's because I didn't have one to begin with, but, whatevs. Toot toot! I am so incredibly proud of myself for accomplishing that goal, and I'm not nearly as scared of them as I used to be! Bring it, Dad!!!
I look forward to the next year, and every one after that - I have no doubt that I will have kicked my goal's butt by then, and who knows? Maybe I will have lost another 30 pounds... a girl's gotta dream big!
NMW,
<3
Just a couple days old <3
Big boy just a few days shy of 1!
Overall, things are great! I had a rough patch of my body being out of whack, and crept back up to the 170s which was devastating in and of itself. I really beat myself up about it, just like I promised myself I wouldn't. But I'm happy to report that I am back in the 160s :) 169 to be exact! I'm happy with that - I'm so close to my goal that it's like I'm almost teasing myself, or maybe my body is playing tricks on me!
The one thing I've noticed is that, aside from people telling me that I look great, etc. I actually, legitimately feel it these days. I feel like a different person, I guess I am a different person to an extent. I can't remember ever having consecutive days where I just felt pretty (aside from bad hair days.. ehhem.. today.) My confidence astounds me. Things that used to shattered my world roll of my back. I'm even more laid back than I used to be, if that's at all possible.
Granted, there are things that haunt me everyday, but these are the things that I accept and can live with. Everything I've done has gotten me to where I am today and I couldn't be more excited about the progress I've made and everything that is to come my way. My world, for once, revolves fully around me and what makes me happy, be it spending time with my family, hanging out with friends or doing absolutely nothing but sitting by the pool, on the porch or on the couch with a good book.
I've been at the pool a lot this summer already, I think the vitamin d rays are kicking in ;) A coworker this morning said I looked, "tan and rested." Not quite how I would describe myself but it's a nice way to come across! For the first time in a long time, I feel great about myself, inside and out. I thought it would take settling down, getting married, and starting my own family to be completely content - but it turns out I'm doing just fine being an aunt and being picky (rightly so) when it comes to finding the right guy. Dating is fun, so, why not make the most of it?
One year ago today I was anxiously awaiting one of the best moments of my life - the birth of my nephew, baby Graham! The faint feeling, the almost passing out, and the wanting to cry because my sister was in so much pain, are now a distant memory (okay.. kinda..) and are replaced by the wonderful memories of the past year. When I wrote the blog entry about baby G's arrival (http://beckskablog.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-dream.html) I still had no idea how incredibly blessed I was.
From day 1 to day 364 I've felt more love for him than I knew possible. I've graciously changed diapers, given baths, fed and changed clothes at every opportunity. We've giggled uncontrollably together, we've played together, we've cried together, and we've just sat around together - doing absolutely nothing, perfectly. He is the most docile, funny, serious, loving, sweet baby! I know I dote a lot, but whatever, he's my nephew, he's adorable when he's crying.
He has no idea how much he brightens my life. The fact that he lights up and smiles that big toothy grin when I walk in a room melts my heart. Him craning over the side of his car seat when I'm walking towards Jen's car to go somewhere, with that huge smile - again, makes my heart melt. When I've had a bad enough day, the only cure is to go to my sister's and play with that baby boy. Without even knowing it, he makes me laugh when all I want to do is cry.
Speaking of crying, reading my blog entry from last year today made me cry. Happy tears :) I was almost 30 pounds heavier, but still overwhelmed with joy. It's incredible how far I've come since then - in so many ways!
A year ago I would've never thought I could complete a 5K. But by golly, I did! The whole fan-damily and I did the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure. I even wogged (walk/jog) quite a bit. Did I mention I beat my personal record? That's because I didn't have one to begin with, but, whatevs. Toot toot! I am so incredibly proud of myself for accomplishing that goal, and I'm not nearly as scared of them as I used to be! Bring it, Dad!!!
I look forward to the next year, and every one after that - I have no doubt that I will have kicked my goal's butt by then, and who knows? Maybe I will have lost another 30 pounds... a girl's gotta dream big!
NMW,
<3
Just a couple days old <3
Big boy just a few days shy of 1!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
"God makes no mistakes."
I don't wanna talk about my weight today. Why? Because it didn't change, and I know if I do, I'll only feel judged, so I'm just going to go with what's in my heart right now.
It's not a coincidence that I had been "meaning to" read the book Heaven Is For Real, but finally checked it off my to-do list yesterday. It was the shaking of shoulders, banging of head on table, a-ha moment (or few hours, rather) that I needed. I purchased the book on Amazon for just a couple of dollars - I feel stingy after receiving so much more than I gave - and read it on my phone last night, until I was finished. I literally couldn't put it down, and if Colton, the boy whose experience was described in this book, lived down the street from me I'd probably annoy the crap out of him with incessant questions.
What I gained from reading this book was a quenched thirst. For so many years, as a strong believer in God, and as a Christian, too often I found myself in doubt, with so many questions that made me question my own unwaivering faith. I often wonder, if I could even entertain the thought of there not being a Heaven, how could I consider myself as having been saved? If I got annoyed when going to churches that pushed so hard for people to be saved, so much that it took away from the actual message, how could I consider myself a good person? Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't appreciate it and wish for everyone to be so lucky, I just think it can get a bit excessive and loses it's meaning when it's drilled so often. I feel bad even typing that, but that's just how I feel. I was 12 when I was saved, and I know full and well that Jesus has set up a humble abode in my heart since then, that's all I need.
All of that said, what I was getting at, was that I believe, and I do have faith, and I do know that I'll get where I'm going when it's time. But I guess curiosity is just such a festering thing, that I constantly find/found my mind wandering, wondering what it would be like in heaven. I definitely feel like a lot of my questions were answered. I have a kind of renewed faith from the most unlikely source - a child named Colton who is as young as my God daughter and whom I've never met in my life. The things he said and the emotions his parents portrayed for him in the book were awe inspiring. I literally laughed, cried and prayed during the entire thing.
This couldn't have come at a better time. At a time when I've been questioning a lot of things. My faith's been tested so many times and I've been at my wits end, hit rock bottom and all but fallen down, defeated. Every time I've felt like there was no way things could get any worse, I worked up my resillience and I realized, things could only get better. The fact that I am at the place mentally, spiritually and physically that I am right now, is all the validation I need. The proof is in the puddin.
So now that I have had a come to Jesus moment... I feel refreshed and better able to talk to God in a humble manor. Thinking back, I can't help but giggle at some of the things I've asked Him to grant me with. Things that I knew He didn't want for me, but that I thought I so desperately needed at the time. He's really got a great sense of humor if you ask me.
Last bit about the book and then I'm done. The part that really struck a chord with me was the fact that Colton vividly described, and could identify members who had passed even decades before him, who he had never met or even known about. Through tears, it gave my soul such peace to know that I would someday get to finally meet PawPaw Page, get to rub Buster's belly, and get to crack jokes with Kevin again. Not that I'm in any rush to get there, but I'm not nearly as afraid of death as I used to be. I still don't want anyone to go too soon, but I know that the next time someone dear to me goes, rather than continue to grieve, I'll know how lucky they truly are. I think this is a huge step in my healing process from all the loss I've experienced in my life.
Well, that's mostly what was on my heart, and now I'm having trouble remembering what else it was I was thinking about before I started writing. So many things.
I've been thinking a lot about the kind of person I am. I'm the kind of girl who smiles at a stranger on the street, even if they refuse to make eye contact until they're a foot away from me. If someone drops something, I pick it up for them without hesitation. I hold elevators even if I'm running late. I return phone calls asap. I give out genuine compliments like candy. I find peace in sleeping babies and joy in their laughter. I drop everything to hang out with people I care about - when they ask. I make every effort to keep in contact with people and feel incredibly guilty when I realize I've dropped the ball. I listen - I may not always have advice, or give the best advice, but I'd rather someone put their burdens on me than keep them to themselves. I'm the girl who has more friends than I know what to do with and a few people who hate me for it. I'm the girl who can relate to the celebrity who sometimes, unfathomably, feels alone. I'm the girl who gets taken for granted.
I have totally felt sorry for myself recently. Like, with some friendships I feel like I put in so much effort, and get nothing in return. Which is fine, until it becomes routine, then it just gets old, and I give up. I don't like giving up on friendships, that's just not in my nature. And please don't take this personally if you think I'm talking about you, maybe just reflect a little.. like I am. But at some point it just gets exhausting to be so positive and optimistic all the time. I wouldn't change that part of me for a million bucks, but sometimes I think I need to get real. But to me, getting real makes me sad. I guess I can just add that to the list of things I don't like about growing up.
I think I'm starting to realize just how much I've grown up in the past couple of years. Maturity hasn't ever really been much of a problem (give or take an immmature mistake or 5), this goes along with that yearning to be [like] my sister. Precocious people annoy me to no end, so I've tried to find a good balance. Sometimes it's hard, when you're dealing with the public or just people in general. But that's part of what being tactful is all about. I just sometimes wish others had more of that trait. Facebook is a prime example of tactlessness. I love that my mom monitors me and tells me when I'm not being a lady ;)
If I were more diligent, I probably wouldn't say have the things I do in this blog, but I want to remember the ah-ha moments, the turning points, the frustrations, and the led downs so that when things are really great, or really crappy, I can appreciate that they could always be better or worse.
As of right now I'm kind of in a "everything's going to be okay" mindset. I've got a strong backbone these days and I cant' see myself crumbling at the feet of anyone, any time soon. Not that I'm invincible or don't still have bad days, but they're so much less frequent now, and I forget to take advantage of that alone. My worries are so trivial compared to what I used to worry about, or what anyone else at any given moment is going through.
I've come to realize that life can literally change in the blink of an eye. I can't tell you how many times just in the past week I've stopped to think, wow.. what if..?, not as in, what if I get hit by a bus... but as in, wow.. what if they hadn't called? What if they had never even thought of me again? What if they had never entered my life? Idk, I'm talkin crazy talk now, but I've really been doing a lot of deep thinking lately, and I kinda like it.
NMW,
<3
PS: Easter at the beach was amazing as usual. I loveee my family :)
It's not a coincidence that I had been "meaning to" read the book Heaven Is For Real, but finally checked it off my to-do list yesterday. It was the shaking of shoulders, banging of head on table, a-ha moment (or few hours, rather) that I needed. I purchased the book on Amazon for just a couple of dollars - I feel stingy after receiving so much more than I gave - and read it on my phone last night, until I was finished. I literally couldn't put it down, and if Colton, the boy whose experience was described in this book, lived down the street from me I'd probably annoy the crap out of him with incessant questions.
What I gained from reading this book was a quenched thirst. For so many years, as a strong believer in God, and as a Christian, too often I found myself in doubt, with so many questions that made me question my own unwaivering faith. I often wonder, if I could even entertain the thought of there not being a Heaven, how could I consider myself as having been saved? If I got annoyed when going to churches that pushed so hard for people to be saved, so much that it took away from the actual message, how could I consider myself a good person? Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't appreciate it and wish for everyone to be so lucky, I just think it can get a bit excessive and loses it's meaning when it's drilled so often. I feel bad even typing that, but that's just how I feel. I was 12 when I was saved, and I know full and well that Jesus has set up a humble abode in my heart since then, that's all I need.
All of that said, what I was getting at, was that I believe, and I do have faith, and I do know that I'll get where I'm going when it's time. But I guess curiosity is just such a festering thing, that I constantly find/found my mind wandering, wondering what it would be like in heaven. I definitely feel like a lot of my questions were answered. I have a kind of renewed faith from the most unlikely source - a child named Colton who is as young as my God daughter and whom I've never met in my life. The things he said and the emotions his parents portrayed for him in the book were awe inspiring. I literally laughed, cried and prayed during the entire thing.
This couldn't have come at a better time. At a time when I've been questioning a lot of things. My faith's been tested so many times and I've been at my wits end, hit rock bottom and all but fallen down, defeated. Every time I've felt like there was no way things could get any worse, I worked up my resillience and I realized, things could only get better. The fact that I am at the place mentally, spiritually and physically that I am right now, is all the validation I need. The proof is in the puddin.
So now that I have had a come to Jesus moment... I feel refreshed and better able to talk to God in a humble manor. Thinking back, I can't help but giggle at some of the things I've asked Him to grant me with. Things that I knew He didn't want for me, but that I thought I so desperately needed at the time. He's really got a great sense of humor if you ask me.
Last bit about the book and then I'm done. The part that really struck a chord with me was the fact that Colton vividly described, and could identify members who had passed even decades before him, who he had never met or even known about. Through tears, it gave my soul such peace to know that I would someday get to finally meet PawPaw Page, get to rub Buster's belly, and get to crack jokes with Kevin again. Not that I'm in any rush to get there, but I'm not nearly as afraid of death as I used to be. I still don't want anyone to go too soon, but I know that the next time someone dear to me goes, rather than continue to grieve, I'll know how lucky they truly are. I think this is a huge step in my healing process from all the loss I've experienced in my life.
Well, that's mostly what was on my heart, and now I'm having trouble remembering what else it was I was thinking about before I started writing. So many things.
I've been thinking a lot about the kind of person I am. I'm the kind of girl who smiles at a stranger on the street, even if they refuse to make eye contact until they're a foot away from me. If someone drops something, I pick it up for them without hesitation. I hold elevators even if I'm running late. I return phone calls asap. I give out genuine compliments like candy. I find peace in sleeping babies and joy in their laughter. I drop everything to hang out with people I care about - when they ask. I make every effort to keep in contact with people and feel incredibly guilty when I realize I've dropped the ball. I listen - I may not always have advice, or give the best advice, but I'd rather someone put their burdens on me than keep them to themselves. I'm the girl who has more friends than I know what to do with and a few people who hate me for it. I'm the girl who can relate to the celebrity who sometimes, unfathomably, feels alone. I'm the girl who gets taken for granted.
I have totally felt sorry for myself recently. Like, with some friendships I feel like I put in so much effort, and get nothing in return. Which is fine, until it becomes routine, then it just gets old, and I give up. I don't like giving up on friendships, that's just not in my nature. And please don't take this personally if you think I'm talking about you, maybe just reflect a little.. like I am. But at some point it just gets exhausting to be so positive and optimistic all the time. I wouldn't change that part of me for a million bucks, but sometimes I think I need to get real. But to me, getting real makes me sad. I guess I can just add that to the list of things I don't like about growing up.
I think I'm starting to realize just how much I've grown up in the past couple of years. Maturity hasn't ever really been much of a problem (give or take an immmature mistake or 5), this goes along with that yearning to be [like] my sister. Precocious people annoy me to no end, so I've tried to find a good balance. Sometimes it's hard, when you're dealing with the public or just people in general. But that's part of what being tactful is all about. I just sometimes wish others had more of that trait. Facebook is a prime example of tactlessness. I love that my mom monitors me and tells me when I'm not being a lady ;)
If I were more diligent, I probably wouldn't say have the things I do in this blog, but I want to remember the ah-ha moments, the turning points, the frustrations, and the led downs so that when things are really great, or really crappy, I can appreciate that they could always be better or worse.
As of right now I'm kind of in a "everything's going to be okay" mindset. I've got a strong backbone these days and I cant' see myself crumbling at the feet of anyone, any time soon. Not that I'm invincible or don't still have bad days, but they're so much less frequent now, and I forget to take advantage of that alone. My worries are so trivial compared to what I used to worry about, or what anyone else at any given moment is going through.
I've come to realize that life can literally change in the blink of an eye. I can't tell you how many times just in the past week I've stopped to think, wow.. what if..?, not as in, what if I get hit by a bus... but as in, wow.. what if they hadn't called? What if they had never even thought of me again? What if they had never entered my life? Idk, I'm talkin crazy talk now, but I've really been doing a lot of deep thinking lately, and I kinda like it.
NMW,
<3
PS: Easter at the beach was amazing as usual. I loveee my family :)
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