I love you this big, Kaylee Bear!

I weighed! I swear, I did! And, in completely anticlimactic news... I am still at 165! I have got to get my butt back to the Y, for realz. Body pump is calling my name.

I am devoting this post entirely to my sweet God daughter, who is turning 5 tomorrow. She's the first to make me "Aunt Becky," as her mom (my cousin Mary Beth) is more like a sister - who, ehhem... I don't see enough these days! Warning: It's gonna be sappy.

Dear sweet Kaylee Bear,

I love you more than words! I can't even begin to describe to you the joy that you've brought to me. The day that I found out your Mommy was pregnant, I think I squealed, cried and maybe even did a little dance. It feels like it was just yesterday that I saw your sweet face in an ultrasound picture, helped put your cute little clothes up in your nursery, and anticipated the day that I would get to meet you!

Five years ago today, as I was working like crazy to finish up all the last minute details of my senior project, I got a very exciting phone call from your Gigi. Everyone was heading to the hospital (so not scary) to prepare for your arrival! This call came late that evening, and guess what? I did not sleep a wink! I lived far away in the mountains, and had a big presentation the next day, so much to my dismay I could not come home just yet! Instead, I finished my assignment, and re-read it about a hundred times. I cleaned my room.. and anything else I could think of to clean... I watched hours of pointless TV... and I called incessantly to check on you and your Mommy!

I can tell you right now that I have no idea how I made an A on that project the day you were born, because all I remember is literally running to my car on King St (in my totes approp pink sweater) to get back to Winston-Salem, in hopes of arriving before you did! You had other plans. You just wanted to make sure I'd get to meet you as sooon as I got there, didn't you? I got a "SHE'S HERE!!!" phone call at around 10:15am just as I made it down the curvy part of the mountain. I couldn't believe it, and I couldn't wait to get there - although I did not speed, and I wore my seatbelt, and I did not text and drive, so you shouldn't either.

Meeting you and holding you for the first time was one of the hi-lights of my life. And everyday since then, just thinking about you brings a smile to my face. It just amazes me how smart you are! Every time I see you, you have an awesome new song, dance or toy to show me. Your hugs make my heart melt and it goes without saying that hearing you tell me, "I love you," makes me happier than I could ever express.

In the past five years you've taught me so much about myself, without even meaning to or knowing that you have. You've taught me that being silly is a part of life. That dancing, making faces, and playing with chalk, stickers, dolls and puzzles can be endlessly entertaining. That seeing a picture immediately after it's taken is vital. That cuddling is the bestttt. That being a sister is one of our most important roles in life. That listening to Mom is always the best idea. That I am capable of cleaning up unmentionable things, of all varieties, while either laughing hysterically or soothing you to feel better. That there's no such thing as sacrificing when it comes to trading a night of my own to spend a night with you. You've taught me to love someone I didn't already know and love when I, myself, was born. Basically, you've taught me that although I'm not a mother, I'm capable of being a pretty awesome substitute when needed.

I look forward to watching you grow up even more, little miss! I hope you continue to be just as brilliant and sassy as you already are. I can't wait to spend more days with you, playing in the leaves, telling secrets, painting finger nails, building sand castles and playing with my phone camera.

You're the best God daughter any "Aunt" could ask for and I hope that you will someday have the same opportunity. We have a very special bond, Bear, and I know that will never change. So, when you're my age, I hope that you can feel free to send me telepathic messages or zip over to my house in your flying car, or whatever new form of communication and transportation there is. I will always be here for you and I will always love you to the moon!

Love, Aunt Beck

NMW,

<3 Just a small representation of all the fun we have together: See? She loves me. Maybe I bought it...

Promise she's not crying... afterall, "I'm with my BFF"... Maybe I bought that too...

I think Kaylee saw a real bear...

Picsay fun!

Truer than true.

Disclaimer: I haven't weighed in I don't know how long. So, there's that.

How many different ways can I say "It's been so long, I've been so busy, I've been lazy," or any other variation of a multitude of excuses I have for not updating my blog?? Umm, I could think of about 3 right now! But the fact that several people have asked me when I'm going to update again, inspired me to do just that! Honestly? I kinda thought people would just forget about it. Not the case! And that makes me feel pretty dang loved!

So, like I disclaimed, I haven't weighed. Not for any particular reason, other than, it's just not as much of a priority anymore. Some days I don't feel any different. Some days I feel super skinny and want to kick myself for not weighing that morning, and other days I just feel like a big blob of mush and I want to send my scale to a cold dark landfill. Basically, I feel like a normal woman, who doesn't feel like a big blob of mush everyday of her life, like I used to. But above all that? I'm still content. I know I've said that a few times, but I really, truly am. And the fact that I've been Beckskablog MIA is just proof of that, I suppose.

All excuses aside, I really have been super busy! Three friend/family weddings and a baby in the past two months, not to mention bachelorette parties, showers, and birthdays, all of which I love! This is my life. I dread the day that it all slows down.

First of all, my dear friend Holly was married to Alex on 9/10/11 and made an utmost gorgeous bride! Their wedding was absolutely beautiful, and I'm not just saying that because she reads this. But seriously, just the church was ridic! I could stay in there all day and just look around. They had an awesome reception at the Millenium Center and let's just say that sitting at a table with Caleb is never full of anything but ridiculousness and laughter. I am so grateful to have been a part of that special day, and everything that led up to it. I am so happy for them and I am glad to have a friend in the 'cop' community... just sayin.

Just a couple of weeks later, my favorite brunette McGehee cousin, Melissa was married to Kirk at a super fancy, super fantastic bowling boutique in Raleigh! Defnitely the most interactive fun reception I've ever been to! Melissa was beautiful as were all my cousins, of course! And it was so nice to get to see a few of my family members from Bermuda, especially Frances who I talk to all the time but hadn't seen since we were little! And it's always nice to spend time with my parents and AP & UL! I love you all!

This past weekend was the last wedding of my wedding season, and it went out with a bang, that's for sure! Stephanie, Laura and I traveled to Clarksville, TN to see one of our bff's, Morgan for her and Jonathan's big day. What a trip! We were able to make it in time to join her at her bachelorette party Thursday night, we had soo much fun. The entire weekend was a blast, and Morgan was totes gorgeous! They have a fun group of friends, so we boogied down quite a bit, even with the children. What a great way to spend a "girls weekend" with some of my bests! Can't wait to do it again, just because :)

There's all my wedding shoutouts, thank you all for letting me be a part of your special days, they will definitely go down in my memory book - oh, wait, they just did!

October 9th, 2011 was another very special day. Ashley & Brody welcomed Charlotte Lucille Jones into the world, and if you know me at all you know I am baby-crazy. That may even be an understatement. But when it's someone close to me that has the baby, it's a whole new level. I consider their son Aiden to be a nephew and Charlotte is just like a niece to me! I am absolutely amazed at how adorable she is. I'm not even kidding. She's absolutely ridiculously precious. I'm in love with her, head to toe! She looks just like her big brother, but I think she's going to be a spitting image of her Dear Mother! Graham and his little bro are totally going to fight over her.

Speaking of girls that I just love! I have a new roommate! She aight. No, I really do love her to death though, she and I are very similar in that we're both awesome, fabulous and ridiculously sarcastic. We have a great time together, and I think she may stick around for a while? I hope so because I really like her furniture. And when she does my hair & makeup. Aaand when she helps me babysit. She's probably got a lot of other good qualities too. We shall see. But for realz, she's legit, and you'd probably like her, too. Also, she's a kitchen designer at Kitchen Vision in Winston if you need an upgrade. You're welcome.

So I know everyone's (everyone Jay Weaver) wondering what's going on in the world of 'Becky's Love Life.' Well, as I've so heart-on-sleeve-ly documented in the past, I've been through hell and back when it comes to guys. I've definitely been on the broken road, kissed a toad or two, been on top of the world and knocked on my ass - all of it. Sometimes simultaneously. And that sucked, but it had to in order for me to appreciate a good thing. I guess I've kind of avoided blogging about it because I don't wanna jinx it! Oh well - there's a great guy in my life now, and he defnitely treats me the way I deserve to be treated. Just the fact that he's concerned about my well being in a way that no other guy ever has been, sets him apart. He made arrangements and helped to get the brakes on my car fixed, just so that I'd be safe on the road, since I'm already a moving hazzard just being on it. We'll be doing some skeet shooting and going to Martinsville for the Nascar race this weekend. I can't wait! And not to mention, we were 'fixed up' just when I had written off all Davie County guys! ;)

What's also awesome is that through this, I've rekindled old friendships, and that's an amazing gift. There are some people that come in and out of your life, and it's like you just pick up where you left off. Sadly you never realize when they're drifting away, but when they come back, it just makes you miss all the time you lost. One of my friends, Crystal and I have become a lot closer in the past couple of months, and I'm so grateful!

Soo, now that we're all caught up on the people in my life...

What about ol Beckskabob? I'm doing really well, overall. Like I said, I'm less concerned with the number on the scale these days. I get my kicks from little victories. For example: I bought a pair of jeans at Old Navy that were size 14's... mind you, I was in a size 24 at my highest weight. I got home and tried them on (I still hate trying things on at the store, because even though you're in that private changing room, there's something about it that makes me feel embarassed if jeans are too tight - silly, I know.) only to find that they were almost too big! They fit though, and I was happy with that. It took wearing them approximately twice before washing them, for me to be able to slide them off without unbuttoning them. Wooooo! I don't even care if it's just the denim they're made out of, they're too big! A size 14 too big for me? That is a win.

A couple of weeks ago I went to my sister's house to help her clean out her closets and separate clothes. Given that she's 7 months pregnant now, she made a pile of "post pregnancy" clothes that she let me pick through and borrow until baby boy #2 comes. One of these items included a pair of 7 For All Mankind jeans - SIZE 10. I have one pair of 7 jeans that are capris, and stretchy - the first pair I've ever owned bc I could never fit into their sizes before. So these are definitely my new favs, even though I rarely wear them because they cut off my circulation.

These are the little things that help me get by when people ask me annoying questions like, "oh, how much more do you want to lose?" That question makes me want to lose it on them. You wouldn't ask someone who had plastic surgery how much more they intend to get done. Or would you? I wouldn't. So I don't like to be asked how much more I'm going to improve my body. So, don't be that person. I don't think any of you have, or if you did, it didn't offend me.. which is why I feel free to say this! Soapbox over.

I'm still really happy with my band, but I'll be honest, there are days that I just want to EAT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. There. I said it. It wouldn't surprise me if I've supressed dreams about going to a buffet and eating until I can eat no more, and that not being a kid's plate worth of food. I don't recall any, but I'm sure they have happened. A lot of people who aren't familiar with the Lap Band have asked me when I will get it taken out, etc. and I have explained to them it just doesn't work like that. I'd balloon back up if I didn't have it! And again, don't get me wrong, I love it, I do! But this blog is all about me being real. And that's the real deal, y'all.

Shoutouts:

Erin Michelle, I miss your face. Like, woah.

Kelly, same goes for you, and you live here now, so pencil me in STAT.

I'm all tapped out for today, I'm gonna try reallllly hard to weigh before next week, and have a real WIW update! Promise.

NMW,

<3

Losing!

According to my scale this morning: 165. My Doctor's goal. Bam. I'm not done losing yet, but sometimes pictures speak louder than words.
NMW,

<3

October 2009 VS August 2011

No regrets.

I feel the need to blog about something that happened, because, I have freedom of speech and this is something that needs to be said.

Bullying, in any way, shape or form, is uncalled for. I'm a 26 year old grown woman and it has happened to me. It can happen to anyone. Let me start by saying, I'm not going to call anyone out personally, because I'm above that. No names will be spoken, and you can assume what you want.

Being a malicious person is beyond my realm of thought. I'm not sure I'm capable of being a truly "mean girl." But for probably the first time in my life I've been victimized. Why? Because my sense of humor and a harmless comment on a friend's facebook was perceived as flirting. So be it. But deal with it on your own. Not by commenting after me saying "I hate it when fat girls flirt with you." Really? I feel like I could just end this here.

But, being the bigger (ha.) person that I am, I simply deleted my comment and dealt with the difficult person in a private manor. A simple, "I'm sorry," would have sufficed, rather than resulting in me having to block this person to end the nonsense messages and assist in protecting whatever shred of dignity she had left.

What really struck me was that in the midst of it, she made herself completely vulnerable and admitted that she was bitter towards me (and God knows who else). That's understandable, and if I were a threat or constant nuisance, I could understand even more. It wasn't understandable at all, and that's why it came as such a shock. What made it worse was that she mentioned that my lap band didn't make me any better (hence I wanted to blog about the incident even more!) so she clearly, without knowing me, knew where my Achilles tendon lay. Well played.

My mind went from shocked to pissed to disgusted to humored within about a 5 minute span. I didn't expect to laugh instead of cry. But it was at that point, I realized something. The lap band has made me "better." Not necessarily in any kind of physical or societal sense, but in a human being sense. It's made me realize so many things. Granted I was a Sociology major, so I constantly think about the way that we interact as a human race. I have become so much more aware of how people treated me before, versus how they treat me now when I'm losing weight and am on the smaller side of larger, closer to 'normal.'

I basically realized that other people's opionions are manifestations of their own insecurities. Duh, I knew that already. But I never realized that they would use those to lash out at me. This girl is not fat by any means, she's a pretty girl by any dude's standard. I have no idea where her insecurities lie, but there's therapy for that. I've been in relationships where I felt insecure, but I've gotten to the point now that I realize that whoever I am with is going to like me more than anyone else and that's the kind of person I'm going to like more than anyone else. Bottom line. It won't be a competition and I'll never feel the need to belittle someone just to make myself feel superior. And for the record, he apologized to me for her actions.

I feel like everyone has a voice and not everyone uses theirs for the betterment of others. If this had happened 2 years ago when I was at my highest weight, I would've chalked it up, cried, and forced it out of my memory. But that never got me anywhere but heavier, in every way. The day this happened, Monday, when I got home from work, I wanted to cry and get it over with because I knew it was coming. The best part was, it never happened. All of this hardwork I've put into making myself a better person? It finally came to fruition and let me deal with it like the 26 year old strong, independent woman that I am. Instead of taking up the offer to "meet at Mossy's to talk face to face," (bar fight? Ha.) I did my laundry and got ready for work the next day. Boom.

You know what else is awesome? Having an army. Nothing, even deleted comments, gets past my best friends. And without my even mentioning it to them, they took it upon themselves to stand up for me. I never thought I'd need them to do such a thing, but I was literally shaking from (too much coffee) the overwhelming sense of love that I felt when they went to bat for me. It was such a small thing that was done, but it's positive impact was much more than I expected. The hateful nature of the comment made me realize that although I'm still not completely bulletproof, I have come a longgg way.

Anywayyy, I've been very busy lately, which is always a good thing. Lots of showers, weddings, bachelorette parties, birthdays and imminent babies on their way! These are definitely the days of "everyone's getting married and having babies" and I just love it. And obviously we're just saving the best for last ;)

I really just have nothing witty or insightful to say today, because that soapbox took a lot out of me. Sooo, here are some fun pins for you:



yep.



"I found a man, but I'll always need my girls."



<3,

NMW

Tied Together With a Smile

Taking Care of Becky - that's the name of the game these days, friends.

I've been "independent" for 3 & 1/2 years now. Yep. But I use the term loosely, as my parents have been there for support every step of the way. For example: how would I know that my car was leaking fluid if not for my Dad? I wouldn't. How would I know that the 100 calorie Milano cookies I thought were a figment of my imagination were on sale at Harris Teeter without my Mom? Wouldn't. You know what else I wouldn't know? How to pay bills. How to convince myself that when I don't feel good at work, to set small goals - "if I can just make it through lunch... well, I've made it through lunch, might as well stay til 5:30." I wouldn't drive a car that's paid for til the wheels fall off. I wouldn't be a world traveler. I'd stay in my comfort zone forever. And I'd have 8938141 dogs.

Something tells me that if I hadn't been raised so well, I'd be spineless. I'd never stand my ground. I'd put up with people treating me poorly, even those closest to me. I wouldn't tell them that the words that they say or things that they do, hurt my feelings. And I wouldn't have the guts to call them out on it when this happens. I'd be living a life that I couldn't possibly be proud of.

I am proud of myself in so many ways. I'm proud that I gained control of my weight, but I'm more proud that I gained control of my life. I finally started putting myself, my needs, my wants and my goals first. I'm doing things that will help me in the long run and I'm living the kind of life that I can be proud of, and more importantly, one that makes my parents proud.

That said, I also cried to my parents a couple of weeks ago, because I felt like a terrible person. I've grown a lot just in the past year, and I've definitely raised my standards when it comes to guys. I've kissed my fair share of toads and at some point, recently, I guess it just clicked that "I have to sit on my pedestal and let the prince find me." It didn't feel right to just straight up ignore the advances from parties I was not interested in, but at the same time, I've been led on and I would never treat someone in such a way.

"Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen." Is one of the most inspiring quotes I've ever read. And of course I found it on Pinterest, which is my new obsession. Not that I'll ever do half of the crafts or cook the things I find on there, but it's always fun to window shop and get ideas for gifts and "maybe someday" things. My favorite pins, though, are always the inspriational quotes. They are mostly cliche and things I've read a 100 times, but sometimes it's like the sun hits it a different way and it's just what you need to see at that moment.

Ever since I read that quote, and have started living in such a way, wonderful things have actually started happening. I've started living my life so that I'm prepared for wonderful things, not just trudging along and leaving a mess in my wake. I've started cleaning up my act in other aspects of my life completely unrelated to my weightloss. I think I got so caught up in that aspect that I forgot that the rest of my life was still going on.

Right now I'm going through the exciting but exhausting process of a refinance, with rates as low as they are right now, so that I can have lower payments and hopefully just "go it alone" and not have to find a new roommate. Although it's so dang lonely, I really need to enjoy this 'me' time and just be grateful! I've been turning over a new leaf lately, that's for dang sure. I feel like I'm kind of molding into the grown up version of me, and out of the awkward post-grad phase. It feels great to have things in order, even if my apartment is only immaculate because the appraiser is coming today. Whatever. I'm going to try my darndest to keep it up this time. It's like anything else... you make the giant leap into it, and then you just maintain. I got this.

There are some physical appearance changes in the works as well, nothing drastic like plastic surgery or anything (that's way down the road, like, post kids ;) but just little things that make me feel awesome. And who doesn't want to feel awesome? Between ridiculously good Groupon deals and an amazing hairstylist, I may or may not be pampering and spoiling myself just a little bit. Don't judge me. It's all about putting myself first and being the best Becky I can be. I'd totally put a ring on it if that wasn't weird.

I don't know what's come over me lately but I have been in the business of GETTIN ISH DONE. Like, lazy Becky got a pink slip or something. Maybe it's the awesome weather? Maybe this isn't real life and I'm just dreaming it? Most likely this is just another layer of the new Becky emerging and it's welcome to stick around for the long haul.

My mind keeps taking me back to 3 years ago... there's some significance there, but I'm not sure why. I guess that's when I started this job and started really feeling like I was preparing myself for the future, although I still felt like a fish out of water trying to fake it til I could make it. There are so many things I would have changed, but so many things I wouldn't trade for the world. I wish I could tell my 23 year old self what to beware of, and not to be so trust worthy, and to get that damn car door fixed by someone else!

I know I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for all of the trials and tribulations I've faced, and sometimes when I feel like "something's gotta give," I realize, I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and when I'm taking care of #1, everything around me starts falling into place.

Oh, and I'm still wogging! Sometimes even BY MYSELF. That, loves, is what I call progress.

NMW,

<3

Wogging & Blogging

I am SUCH a slacker. But, whatevs, it's my blog and I'll blog if/when I want to!

There really just hasn't been much to say lately - I seem to always think or say that right before opening the flood gates...

First and foremost, the most exciting news (to me anyway) that I have is that I'm going to have another precious NEPHEW!!! It's a boy! I couldn't be more excited. I imagine this one will be the complete opposite of Graham, and by that I mean - wide open! If he's just like G I will be beyonddd excited, but it will be so interesting to see what his sibling is like. My sister and I are so alike and so different in so many ways - not to mention we look the exact same but with opposite hair/eye colors! :) All I know for sure is that he will be absolutely precious just like his big brother and I will love him to pieces!

I think one of the reasons I haven't blogged in quite some time is because I kind of fell of the wagon, if you will, for a while. I have the attention span of a gnat when it comes to certain things, exercising being one of them. When I get hooked on something else, like reading, which is of course not a bad thing, I tend to forget all about working out. This summer I've been hooked on reading. I've read everything from blogs to The Help to romantic comedies to satirical self help books. I love getting lost in them even for just an hour or so sitting on the porch or laying on the couch and just forgetting about everything else - but you see, what happens when I do that..... I get lazy!!! However, in one of my books, after a traumatic experience (thankfully this wasn't my case, although I could write a book about them), the overweight heroin found herself lost. She was lost because she began walking, and couldn't seem to stop. She walked everywhere, all the time, until she literally wore her shoes out. She took it to the extreme, but she inspired me.

Hence, as I was laying on the couch reading yet another book, and waiting on the next cycle of laundry, I remembered: I want to start WOGGING again! So instead of just thinking it, I did it. I whipped out my "sassy" (as Mom calls them!) walking capris and unburried my sports bra from the heap of laundry, laced up my tennis shoes, and left - taking the trash with me - another thing I tend to put off. I walked to Tanglewood and then started my brisk jogging. I set small goals for myself because obvi, I'm still in the beginning stages. But something just clicked and told me I needed to start again. Something's been missing for the past few weeks, and that's what it was. I am the queen of making excuses, "It's wayy too hot. No one's free to go with me. I'll melt. I'll get Becky-napped. I'm so comfy right now. I'll go tomorrow, I swear. It's way too hot (or cold, or muggy, or mild, or rainy, or dry.)" I ran out of excuses, made like a Nike commericial, and just did it.

I'm jealous of people who LOVE to run. Who love to exercise for that matter. I was not a born athlete. I am soo not competitive. I don't understand the term "runner's high" but I intend to one of these days. Baby steps... baby wogs... one day at a time! My legs are currently throbbing when I walk, but it's a "good pain.. this too shall pass." In my opinion, I'd much prefer the pain and soreness from running, jogging, wogging, etc to emotional pain, so if there's anything I can do to find a release for the things I keep jumbled up inside, then I intend to use that to my advantage. That may be a little deep for all intents and purposes of this post, but that's just kind of how my head works! I like the thought of "running away" from things that I keep inside, and just don't feel like talking about. It's therapeutic, and a heck of a lot cheaper than a co-pay ;)

I really hope I can keep this up, for no one other than myself. I deserve to be in the best physical and mental shape of my life - who doesn't? Sure I've lost a lot of weight, but there's always room for improvement! Therefore, I'm just going to start kicking my own "ask" - just like this little girl who bears a striking resemblance to yours truly at her age... from the haircut to the big brown eyes to the gapped teeth - she sure is cute! Haha. It's old, but some of you may not have seen it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFN1-uqt2WA

Maybe I should pretend there's a monster coming out of the movie chasing me? There's a plan. If that doesn't work I could find someone with a ferocious dog (with a leash) to run after me - I work best under pressure.

That's about all I've been up to, folks, reading books, blogs, and trying to kick my own ask into gear again.

<3,
NMW

I'm a loser, baby!

As I sit here eating my cheetos for lunch.... (hey, I never claimed to be a picture perfect eater.) I am more than excited to say that at present I am 1 pound away from my doctor's goal weight! 166! When I say there will be a throw down when I see the scale say 165, I mean it.

During my initial consult phase of this process, in a meeting with the psychologist, Dr. Jeff Smith, he informed me that with this sugery I could expect to lose 70% of my excess weight in 2-3 years. From the get go, that sounded kinda crazy to me! I just wasn't in a place that I could imagine myself losing that much, ever. Now here I am, almost 15 months out, and about to give that goal a run for its money. Honestly? I'm stunned.

Sometimes I don't know how to feel about it. I have mixed emotions. I've heard people say, "it was easier being fat." and that never made sense to me. There hasn't been a day that I've ever felt like I've crossed over that line. The overall body image mentality doesn't change in 15 months. The insecurities still creep up, because even if you're not morbidly obese anymore, you may never be stick thin. That is absolutely fine with me! I don't want to be super thin, I never have been and never will be. I'd look diseased. No joke. But I do understand now, why people feel that way.

Being "fat," as I've said before, is a security blanket of sorts. It's a shield against the world, against getting hurt. When you're so down on yourself that you feel unlovable, you are. When looking at pictures of yourself makes you question why anyone would ever fall in love with you, there's an issue bigger than your pants size. So, like I say, it's a sort of protection. In the same sense, it makes you build walls, and it keeps you all to yourself. It's the most lonely feeling in the world. As loved as you may be, by your family and friends, you start to assume that all love is platonic, and that becomes okay. It's not, but it is what it is.

When you break out of that shell and you start to lose weight, people notice. Guys notice. People who never gave you a second glance suddenly think you're beautiful. It's not that I never felt beautiful, it's not that I didn't measure up to society's standards - I did, they just had negative connotations associated with them. It's just that I feel like I never knew what it felt like to catch a guy's attention with my looks alone. It's a crazy thing, I tell ya. And it's true what they say, people are nicer to you when you're not big. For shame. It's not that they're mean, there's just a difference between polite and nice, in my opinion.

I hate that society has put such a stigma upon weight. Other than having polycystic ovaries, I was the picture of health. Granted, I faced my biggest fear of never being able to have children, but I'm almost positive that won't be a problem now. But, seriously, just because someone is overweight that doesn't make them a slob. It doesn't mean that they eat everything in sight, and it sure as hell doesn't mean that they don't care about themselves. It annoys me to to end, and I just haven't vented about it enough. Do I feel more healthy? Yes. Does that make me a better person inside? No. Have I vented enough? Yes.

What makes me suuuuuper happy, other than almost being at my goal weight, is that I don't have to compete with my sister anymore! Why? Because she's PREGNANT again! Yayayayay!!!! I'm going to have another neice or nephew come December 28th-ish! How fitting as that is a day that we celebrate every year! Not only is it our Mom's birthday it's also our parents' anniversary! A wonderful day on all accounts :) I am over the moon excited to have another squishy little love around, and I have already made more room in my heart to smother this one with as much love as I do baby Graham. They'll be 18 months apart so I'll have plenty of reason to steal one or both of them away to give Mommy & Daddy a break! I simply cannot wait. I may or may not be more excited about this than Christmas this year!

That's all I've got for now! Hopefully I'll have a milestone post soooooon!

NMW,

<3