I am happy to report that I've hit the 179 mark! I realize it's been like a month since I've posted, so you were probably expecting something way more exciting... but to me, that's exciting. I even did a little happy dance when I saw the number on the scale!
Unfortunately, due to my phone number change, I missed my reminder for my appt with Fuzz Dec 10th, in turn my next appt is not until Feb 10th which seems like an agonizingly long time away right now, but just like the past few weeks, it will fly by! It warmed my heart to hear through the grapevine that one of the team members asked someone how I was doing :)
Maybe you're wondering the same.. I'm doing great! I'm not losing nearly as fast and I'm really frustrated with that, but I feel like not gaining 10 pounds over the holidays is truly a win for me. I'm shocked that I didn't get back up to 200 with all the yummy goodness around me!
One of the most incredible experiences thus far has definitely been celebrating my 26th birthday and not weighing 260 pounds. Because, regardless of any diet I could have been on, that's where I would have been had I not taken this incredibly difficult yet rewarding journey. Instead, I'm almost 100 pounds lighter than that, and what a mircale and blessing that is! How can you not feel good about yourself when you come to that realization? Not to toot my own horn.... but.... toot toot! :)
Right now I'm struggling with finding the balance between putting myself first and being selfless. There's definitely a fine line! I have always aimed to make everyone around me happy, first and foremost, and for a while there I started forgetting about everyone else and just making sure that I was happy, all the time and doing whatever it was that I wanted to do in the moment, etc. I lost sight of what makes me happy: other people's company. It wasn't until I started to notice that I wasn't hanging out with my bff's as much as usual that something clicked, and I kind of "got it." I was headed in the wrong direction and if I didn't get a hold of the reigns, things weren't going to be pretty. Two of my best friends were the ones who finally pointed it out to me.
I kept complaining about them being "mad at me" and basically making excuses as to why they weren't hanging out with me as much... feeling sorry for myself as my Mom would put it. But, after communicating, reflecting and analyzing, I realized that I was being completely selfish. I was chasing something (someone) completely wrong for me and letting him put me in situations and around people that made me uncomfortable and omitting facts from my very best friends so that they wouldn't judge the situation. Who does that? Someone who is being selfish and is completely lost in the "moment."
Luckily, I've taken heed to the wakeup calls that God has given me and I'm out of the mentality that I can do what I want when I want. I definitely regressed a bit, but in the past couple of weeks.. days even, I've grown and learned from those mistakes. I'm trying to be as evasive as possible, but I hope that when I re-read this I remember what I'm referring to, so that I can continue to learn and grow and not get caught up in another bad situation!
Speaking of re-reading things..... I got an AWESOME birthday present from my fried Ash W! She had this blog made into a BOOK! It's incredible. It's literally one of the only things that has fixed my "writers block" as of late. Besides being busy, I just haven't felt very inspired. Boy did that change when I got that book in my hands! I couldn't wait to get back to tapping on this keyboard and pounding out my thoughts. It's so very cathartic for me and I do enjoy it so much. I don't care if no one ever reads it, it's something tangible for me to have to process my thoughts and the good, bad and ugly parts of this journey. To say that I could remember it all on my own would be absolutely ridiculous. I have a very selective (good only generally) and short term memory. It's hard for me to remember the trials and tribulations sometimes, because I have a tendancy to be an optimist to a fault!
Just flipping through the pages, I've re-read some of the entries that were the hardest for me to write. And just knowing that it's been less than a year since I wrote those posts, or went through those difficult times, I realized that yes, some of the wounds are still fresh, but .... life goes on. I've realized how good I am at not dwelling on the past. If I get upset about something, chances are that I'll store it in my memory bank, and it will take some time for me to be completely over it, but once it's there, it's not something I'll bring up again, I'll just mentally remind myself of who I can trust and who I can't. I applaud myself for that because it's not a trait I see in a lot of people. If I weren't this way, I'm not sure that I'd have nearly as many people in my life who care about, love, and support me. I hope I can continue this self reflection in the months to come, because it is definitely helping my spirit!
Hmmm... what haven't I touched on? Ah, yes, the big G! God :)
First and foremost, my relationship with God is still blooming. I feel like I'm on the cusp of a relgious growth spurt as a wise woman once said (okay, last night... see? short term memory). I went to God Encounters with my dear sweet friend last night, and it was such an awesome experience as always. Somehow everytime I go I feel like the featured speaker is talking directly to me in some way. Granted, her story of helping her father, a Mafia drug ring leader, find Jesus had no correlation to my family whatsoever, but the story of her own salvation touched my heart just the same. Her fear of asking God what His purpose for her was, opened my eyes to my own fear of asking and leaving myself completel open and vulnerable to whatever it may be. I know what I want to do with my life, but trusting in His takes so much faith and hope, and that's something I am trying to muster up. I'm confident that I'm going to figure it out sooner than later and I'm ready for the challenge.
And we can't forget about the little G.. Graham!
What a blessing! He literally gets more precious everyday. And his personality is so, so sweet. He's got so much of each of his parents in him! He's got a sense of humor like his Dad.. when you make him laugh, you know you've done something really funny, which just makes you feel good! And what a contagious laugh it is! He's just as sweet and cuddly and comforting when you need it, as his Mom and I literally can't help but be in a wonderful mood when I'm around them! I stayed the night at my sister's Tuesday and when she got up to take Macy out, she brought him to the bed I was sleeping in, and what a treat that was! There's literally no better way to start the day then to open your eyes and see a sweet baby boy recognize you and smile! I find it hard to believe my sister when she says he recognizes me, but now I think she's right and not "just saying that!" :) Now, the day that someone he's not familar with is holding him and he reaches for me... that will be the day that my life as Aunt Beck is complete!
I can't remember if I've mentioned Body Pump in here yet, but if not, it's awesomeeee! I've only been once, due to the ridiculously busy nature of the past month, but I can't wait to go back and do it again! The week I went, I was at the Y 4 times in a week... I was off to a great start.. and then BAM! Christmas, birthdays, New Years, my birthday, friends birthdays..... how are those for excuses?? ;) So now, it's time to get my butt back into gear and back to the mill of treads. One of my friend's boyfriend was telling me about the Cross Fit program that he's been doing and he raved about it, so I'm going to do my research on that and find a program that suits me! I guess I'm kind of tired of the FitLinxx, although I do love it! I just get bored so easily... gotta switch it up and keep it interesting.
Have a rambled a months worth? Probably not....!
I hope those of you who are reading this had an amazing holiday season and I wish you the most incredible 2011 ever :)
I still love you and I still love me!
NMW,
<3
PICTURE TIMEEEEE:
Christmas 2009 and Christmas 2010!
(Wow.. I'm so glad I chose these two... what a difference! :)
Birthday 2010 and Birthday 2011!
(Please note: The theme of my 26th birthday was 80's!)
