I said I'd be honest!

From the get-go, I said I'd be completely honest about my weight loss, even if it meant I gained. And, although I would much rather completely fib this week, I'd be doing myself no favors.

This morning when I hopped on the scale, much to my dismay, I was at 182. That's a four pound weight GAIN since the last time I actually weighed in on a Wednesday. So what gives? Why the sudden stall/gain? Idk. I don't feel like I've been doing anything differently, and I definitely know what and how to eat, so why is it not coming off like it should? I guess this is all just part of the process, and I had a lot of beginners luck, but it's frustrating to say the least.

I knew things would taper off eventually, but I didn't expect it to be so abrupt and all up in my face. I guess part of what makes it harder is that I am very vocal about all of this, heck, I put it out here for the world to see, and that's part of what I love about the whole process. I just feel like my expectations for myself are and have been so high, that I've made everyone else's expectations just as high, and when I gain I completely internalize it and beat myself up for it. I'm trying to take it in stride and realize that not every week is going to be as monumental as I want it to be, and that it's okay to have gained 4 pounds in a couple of weeks.

Magan and I are going to the Y tonight and by gosh I'm going to run on that treadmill. No more walking for me. And I'm going to bust my butt on the machines, and push myself to do more than just my 15 reps. 20 if I can stand it. Can you tell I've been watching Biggest Loser? ;) I'm so annoyed with my belly fat, hips and thighs just like every woman, but I feel like mine are just so prominent! The pooch just won't go away and the flab of my thighs makes me feel like they're still bigger than they should be. Soo, more toning is definitely in my future. Woe is me. Woe is my gender.

This week started out pretty hard. I found out that, yet again, God called upon an angel that to us, seemed too soon. Ryan DesNoyers passed away Monday morning. He was the father of Lagan and Dallas, who are two of the sweetest children I know. He had been married to Bahnie who is one of the strongest women I know and I've known him as long as I've known the Strand clan. He was always fun to be around, and he was able to put me in my place when I needed it. He was Laura's big brother and treated her friends just as well. I never had to worry when Ryan was around, if anyone messed with me, he'd take care of them. It's going to be a long road for Bahnie and the kids to get over this, but I know how strong they are and I know that with their families, they will be okay.

I feel like God has faced me with a lot of death and loss in my life thus far for a reason. Well, I've always known that, but it's just now becoming more clear.

I'm a best friend to many, and a friend to most. I'm someone who will trust you after our first heart to heart and will be loyal to you until you, Heaven forbid, betray me. I will never intentionally put you down and I will always see the best in you, even when you can't see it yourself. I will always be a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, and a judgement-free enabler if you need chocolate, wine, or a cold beer. If you're in a slump, I guarantee I can find a way to relate and empathize without just feeling sorry for you. I can give you advice to the best of my ability, and although I may not support your decisions or plans, I will never belittle them. I will never argue with you or make you feel like you're wrong.

I may forget to ask you how your day, week, or life is, but that doesn't mean I'm not interested or that I don't care. I keep an eye and ear out for all of my friends at all times, and I know when you need me, and sometimes, as luck would have it I'm able to be there. Sometimes I'm not, but that doesn't mean I'm not still here. I'm not perfect, no one is, but I'm consistent. I am loyal and although I may just fall to pieces and cry with you, I love being the one my friends come to when they just need to get it all out.

I've been caught up in a daze lately, worrying so much about my own life and my own problems and how I'm going to get out of them and through them, and I've forgotten that God needs me to help Him do His work. He needs me to be there for my friends, even if I feel like "they probably just want some alone time right now." He wants me to reach out to them and offer that strong solidarity of friendship. Those friendships where you can go days or weeks without talking and still be there for each other when it counts are the ones that you know are real.

I just hope that my legacy someday is that I was an amazing friend. I'm not one to boast, but I'd say if I've succeeded at anything thus far, it is that. I have conquered socialization. I have more friends than I know what to do with sometimes, but each of them are in my life for a reason, and now it's time for me to use my God given strength to be there for each of them, no matter what they're going through. If I could protect everyone I love from hurt, pain and suffering, I would. But that's not my job and it's not His plan. All I can do is be there for them just as I need them to be there for me sometimes, and just as they are.

That said.. I love all of my friends dearly and we've all been through some tremendous loss in our years. Unfortunately, a lot of them have hit pretty close to home for me, which scares the crap out of me, but like I said.. it's all in His plan. I've learned a couple of coping mechanisms and ways to deal with my sadness, and these are things that I am meant to pass along. They are tools I wish I never had to dust off, and especially never had to hand-down.

It sucks that these are the kinds of thought processess we have only after death hits close to home. It's like hearing a story on the news and realizing, oh, crap, that may possibly happen to me sometime. Are all my ducks in a row? Are all my chapters closed? If the world ended tomorrow would I have told everyone I loved them? Probably not. But that's okay. Maya Angelou said it best: “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

I love my family and friends more than anything, and I am so grateful everyday for all of the support and the pushes you each have given me. You make it worth putting my heart on the line and spilling my guts in this silly little blog each week because even when I get down on myself, y'all don't, and I thank you for that. Thank you for reminding me that I look amazing, especially on days when I wake up late and forget to put on makeup... but if you don't work with me, you don't even know that ;)

NMW,

<3