WIWIWIWIWIWIWIW

I promise this will be a HAPPY post!

Why? Because I have finally started losing again!!! I've only gotten back down to 181, but considering that I was teetering between 183-185 for like a month and a half, I'm superrr excited. And hey, even though I was almosttt at 179, it will feel even more victorious when I get there.

Here's the thing. I got sad/stressed/moody/irritable/depressed, then I got complacent then I got comfortable with complacency. I got off track, then I got down on myself and I got out of synch. I forgot my routine. I'm sure, if you've been keeping up with me, or even if you just hang out with me a lot, you've noticed. I can guarantee you my Mom has without me even having to ask.

Something in my head clicked. I'm not sure when or what it was, but I made up my mind to get back into it. Maybe it was an episode of Biggest Loser. Maybe it was someone else's blog. Maybe it was an encouraging word from a coworker or maybe it was just me letting go of what has been holding me back.

I spent a longgg time trying to please a certain person. In doing so, I lost sight of myself and I forgot who is most important in this - Me. Now that I've finally distanced myself from that whole situation, and taken my heart off my sleeve and put it back into my chest, I'm remembering what it feels like to be happy with myself. This was a hard step to make and to realize I'd made, but now that I've done it, I couldn't be more happy and proud of myself for letting go. If you know me, you know that I don't let go easily.

It's not that I blame that person for my bashing myself or for making me feel like I wasn't good enough, I did that to myself. I was constantly trying to change to fit whatever prototype it was that he was looking for, but nothing I ever did was right. I'm just glad I didn't do anything drastic to change my body (wait a second...). What I've realized is that I was going about it all wrong. It wasn't that he didn't love me, it was that he hated my insecurities. And why shouldn't he? I hated them myself but I could never find a way to defeat them. I'm realizing now that I was simply scared.

Insecurities were like my security blanket. As much of an oxymoron as that is, they were ever present and to me it seemed they'd be with me til the bitter end. I suppose they were. I could always depend on my insecurities to be there, and when I realized they were gone, I think I secretly panicked. I realized I didn't have them to cling to, and that I was confident and secure with myself. You'd think that would elate me, which, to some extent, it does.. but at the same time, it's kind of a hard pill to swallow.

I kind of feel narcissistic talking about this, and myself so much, but, I just keep reminding myself, that someday I'll be glad I documented every bit of the journey.

I've been in really high spirits lately. I have started working out again! I've been to the Y literally 4 times since last Wednesday. Crazy talk. I love the energy and motivation that I've got going on right now and I hope it continues for a longg time! Last week I did the Step Up class... somehow the word "step" didn't click until we got there and I saw the little step things. Holy crap, that class was hardddd! Luckily it was the first one ever, so I didn't feel like a complete fish out of water, but some of those ladies definitely weren't rookies. My favorite part was when my right leg gave out and I fell down then hopped back up like nothing happened. It got better when I turned to my left only to see Magan trying to hide her giggle, which of course threw me into a giggling fit! It makes me laugh now just thinking about it!

Thursday night was a normal routine night, same for Monday... gotta ease back in a little at a time.... then last night, BAM! Body Pump! Wooooo! - that's kinda how it makes me feel. It was awesomeee. It definitely works every part of your body, and today I can feel soreness in muscles I didn't even know I could tone! I loved the instructor, his enthusiasm was awesome, and he gave me about 378127 hi-fives afterwards, not to mention a wink during class. He may be older and he could bat for the other team, but he really made me feel like I was the best Body Pump Virgin he'd ever seen. I almost felt bad for the other new lady, I hope she got a hi-five (but not a wink!). Magan and her Mom, Kim had both done it before, so it was awesome to have that moral support and encouragement! I would've definitely been a fish out of water, flopping on the ground in circles, had they not been there.

I've been told the soreness will go away in about a week and then I can increase the load of my weights. Right now that seems like a totally far fetched idea, but I'll keep you posted!

Part of my recent happiness has most definitely got to be coming from the encouragement I've gotten from people lately. Not even necessarily about my weight. Some of the most random people, (i.e. old man security guard, DSS building cleaning lady) have told me how proud they are of me for moving up or that "with that smile you'll go all the way to the top!" Those are the types of things that keep me feeling joyful and triumphant (sorry, I'm reallyyy ready for Christmas.) and those are things that have nothing to do with my weight loss, but they have everything to do with me and my ability to succeed, which carries over into my motivation to kick it into high gear and get the rest of this weight off!

I have had the weirdest dreams lately! Thank you, Wellbutrin! ha. Such as: planning a trip on a boat that made you feel like you were a whale (or stuck inside the whale?). Like, it swims through the ocean with fins and looks like a while... Wow, that sounds even crazier than I thought. And then there were toy ships that destroyed cities?? I have no idea what the meaning of that is, but I do know that one of my friends was playing with one and tearing down W-S and I got super mad... woke up mad at him.... Sorry B, I know you didn't intend to Godzilla my home.

Certain individuals (ehhem... jbrd) look forward to the relationship section of my blog. This week has been quite confusing for me. I'm not sure where anything stands right now. I know what I want, but I'm not sure that it's feasible. I guess if it's worth it, it'll work, but sometimes I think my optimistic nature and faith in the future is wayy beyond that of others. But that's just the way I am!

I've also come to realize that I'm an "all or nothing" kind of gal. I seem to have an on/off switch somewhere in my brain. I attribute this to my selfless nature as Kylie would describe it. When I'm in a relationship or even just like someone a lot, I put my whole heart into it, and, usually way too quickly. I give it to them to toss around, see if they like it, drop it, step on it, hand it back, or break it into a million little pieces. I wish I had a grey area, but I don't. I think that's why I hurt people and get hurt so easily. It's frustrating, but not as frustrating as the insecurity that the unknown brings. Le sigh.

I'm just going to keep busting my butt so that no matter what happens, I'll be in the best shape of my life and I'll be the best Becky I can be so that I can check my insecurity blanket at the door. :)

NMW,

<3

Running away :)

I know, I know, I didn't post last week, sorryyyy. No excuses, other than, I've been busy - if I haven't already made that clear ;)

Still, no freaking change. I'm beyond frustrated. I told myself I wouldn't be, but come on, now, it's been like 3 months since I've been on a losing streak. Granted, I had beginners luck, but my luck as run out and now I'm just trying to figure out where to go from here. BUT, I only gained like 2 pounds over Thanksgiving and I managed to lose those! That's a win.

I've been on my antidepressant meds long enough for them to be well into my system, and I suppose they're working, I'm not really sure to be quite honest. At Thanksgiving with my wonderful family one of my aunts who is also a nurse and, might I add, faithful WIW follower :) suggested that I have my Vitamin D levels checked as most people have a defficiency and this affects a LOT of things including depression/mood/what have you.

That Sunday I went to Planet Nutrition (can I get a discount??.. wait, I already do!) and got liquid Vitamin D-3, which, is gross in liquid form but that's the only choice I have, so I plug my nose! I take 5,000IU/week, 4 drops is a daily dose, not bad! I'm going to try that and see if I can't kick the Wellbutrin, as I'd much rather not be dependent on those meds, plus she says they make you gain weight as they increase your appetite. Hook, line and sinker - wellbutrin be gone, please!

So, I titled this WIW "Running Away" because that's just what I plan on doing. I want to start running. Mom's been talking about it a lot for the past couple of weeks. My Dad is an avid runner and had taken it back up the past few years, running in 5K's all the time. If he can do it in his early 60s, I can do it at almost 26. That said, my cousin Melissa has inspired us to enter a half marathon which will take place, I think, a year from January in BERMUDA. I've been wanting to go back for years, and I definitely didn't have a half marathon in mind when daydreaming of pink sandy beaches.... however, if I've learned anything from this experience it's that I have to push myself to do things I never thought I could, and reward myself at the same time.

What better way to motivate myself than by training for a half marathon with the knowledge that I'll get to relax, visit with family that I haven't seen in years, see everything from an adult point of view, and feel ACCOMPLISHED when I'm done? I can't say that I'm not scared to death, but what better time than the present to get myself motivated once again? And what motivation that is!

These are my thoughts, comments and concerns about running:

Negative: Holy crap. It hurts. I get so winded. My legs will cramp in like two seconds. Running the mile was my biggest fear in grade school. I just can't.

Positive: I got this. I can totally do it. I'm pretty sure I can train myself not to trip over my own feet. Magan can totally be my trainer, I just hope it doesn't cost us our best friendship! I can work up to running easily, I walk pretty fast. I'm carrying 65 less pounds, what's my excuse?

Plan: Quit talking about it and DO IT. Run away from problems. Run away. Not from the old you, but from the old body of you. Run out of that shell and into the body that you deserve and are working so hard for.

Sooo... wish me luck :)

Life is pretty good, I mean, I can't complain at all! I've been crazy busy, which I love, but I've also kept busy hanging out with the friends that I don't get to see often and that has been wonderful. I've always loved having friends with whom we can "pick up where we left off" and that's just what I've been doing as of late. I've also mended some broken friendships that were broken due to immaturity and well, boys getting the best of our hearts. This makes me realize how far from under the rock of insecurity I have come.

I am continually growing and learning from past mistakes. I am still dealing with a huge one and will be for probably the rest of my life. I appreciate all of the prayers, concern and support, but like I said, when the time is right, I'll talk about it. It's just not quite right yet... my apologies if you're still in the dark about the subject, but I'm probably just embarassed to tell you, so bear with me.

God continues to amaze me in the ways He is working in my life. Although my very best friend in the entire world (I have way too many bff's, but I'd have it no other way!) who has been my roommate for the past year - that's a record incase you're keeping track of the condo's habitants, is moving out :( It's for the best as she is only doing so for financial reasons, and I can't be mad at her for that!

I am excited that on the same day as this was decided, a dear sweet friend asked if I was still in need of a roommate in the near future. She and I will get along famously, and I'm excited about all the fun adventure we will have... especially in the kitchen since neither of us know how to cook, maybe we can learn together! God helps you out when you least expect it, and I know that He is looking out for all three of us by letting the cards fall where they did. How awesome! She is also the one who encouraged me to keep talking to the sweet boy who makes me smile on a daily basis, although he's across the country, he's always on my mind and a "beep beep" away.

In the spirit of annoying Facebook games, I am tempted to ask that some or all of you leave an anonymous (or not?) comment on this blog.... I do a LOT of talking, and although I do get wonderful feedback, only a handful of people of so many of you, do so. So I'd like to hear what you think... good, bad, ugly, pretty... what have you :)

I love you and I love me!

NMW,

<3