WIWIWIWIWIWIWIW

I promise this will be a HAPPY post!

Why? Because I have finally started losing again!!! I've only gotten back down to 181, but considering that I was teetering between 183-185 for like a month and a half, I'm superrr excited. And hey, even though I was almosttt at 179, it will feel even more victorious when I get there.

Here's the thing. I got sad/stressed/moody/irritable/depressed, then I got complacent then I got comfortable with complacency. I got off track, then I got down on myself and I got out of synch. I forgot my routine. I'm sure, if you've been keeping up with me, or even if you just hang out with me a lot, you've noticed. I can guarantee you my Mom has without me even having to ask.

Something in my head clicked. I'm not sure when or what it was, but I made up my mind to get back into it. Maybe it was an episode of Biggest Loser. Maybe it was someone else's blog. Maybe it was an encouraging word from a coworker or maybe it was just me letting go of what has been holding me back.

I spent a longgg time trying to please a certain person. In doing so, I lost sight of myself and I forgot who is most important in this - Me. Now that I've finally distanced myself from that whole situation, and taken my heart off my sleeve and put it back into my chest, I'm remembering what it feels like to be happy with myself. This was a hard step to make and to realize I'd made, but now that I've done it, I couldn't be more happy and proud of myself for letting go. If you know me, you know that I don't let go easily.

It's not that I blame that person for my bashing myself or for making me feel like I wasn't good enough, I did that to myself. I was constantly trying to change to fit whatever prototype it was that he was looking for, but nothing I ever did was right. I'm just glad I didn't do anything drastic to change my body (wait a second...). What I've realized is that I was going about it all wrong. It wasn't that he didn't love me, it was that he hated my insecurities. And why shouldn't he? I hated them myself but I could never find a way to defeat them. I'm realizing now that I was simply scared.

Insecurities were like my security blanket. As much of an oxymoron as that is, they were ever present and to me it seemed they'd be with me til the bitter end. I suppose they were. I could always depend on my insecurities to be there, and when I realized they were gone, I think I secretly panicked. I realized I didn't have them to cling to, and that I was confident and secure with myself. You'd think that would elate me, which, to some extent, it does.. but at the same time, it's kind of a hard pill to swallow.

I kind of feel narcissistic talking about this, and myself so much, but, I just keep reminding myself, that someday I'll be glad I documented every bit of the journey.

I've been in really high spirits lately. I have started working out again! I've been to the Y literally 4 times since last Wednesday. Crazy talk. I love the energy and motivation that I've got going on right now and I hope it continues for a longg time! Last week I did the Step Up class... somehow the word "step" didn't click until we got there and I saw the little step things. Holy crap, that class was hardddd! Luckily it was the first one ever, so I didn't feel like a complete fish out of water, but some of those ladies definitely weren't rookies. My favorite part was when my right leg gave out and I fell down then hopped back up like nothing happened. It got better when I turned to my left only to see Magan trying to hide her giggle, which of course threw me into a giggling fit! It makes me laugh now just thinking about it!

Thursday night was a normal routine night, same for Monday... gotta ease back in a little at a time.... then last night, BAM! Body Pump! Wooooo! - that's kinda how it makes me feel. It was awesomeee. It definitely works every part of your body, and today I can feel soreness in muscles I didn't even know I could tone! I loved the instructor, his enthusiasm was awesome, and he gave me about 378127 hi-fives afterwards, not to mention a wink during class. He may be older and he could bat for the other team, but he really made me feel like I was the best Body Pump Virgin he'd ever seen. I almost felt bad for the other new lady, I hope she got a hi-five (but not a wink!). Magan and her Mom, Kim had both done it before, so it was awesome to have that moral support and encouragement! I would've definitely been a fish out of water, flopping on the ground in circles, had they not been there.

I've been told the soreness will go away in about a week and then I can increase the load of my weights. Right now that seems like a totally far fetched idea, but I'll keep you posted!

Part of my recent happiness has most definitely got to be coming from the encouragement I've gotten from people lately. Not even necessarily about my weight. Some of the most random people, (i.e. old man security guard, DSS building cleaning lady) have told me how proud they are of me for moving up or that "with that smile you'll go all the way to the top!" Those are the types of things that keep me feeling joyful and triumphant (sorry, I'm reallyyy ready for Christmas.) and those are things that have nothing to do with my weight loss, but they have everything to do with me and my ability to succeed, which carries over into my motivation to kick it into high gear and get the rest of this weight off!

I have had the weirdest dreams lately! Thank you, Wellbutrin! ha. Such as: planning a trip on a boat that made you feel like you were a whale (or stuck inside the whale?). Like, it swims through the ocean with fins and looks like a while... Wow, that sounds even crazier than I thought. And then there were toy ships that destroyed cities?? I have no idea what the meaning of that is, but I do know that one of my friends was playing with one and tearing down W-S and I got super mad... woke up mad at him.... Sorry B, I know you didn't intend to Godzilla my home.

Certain individuals (ehhem... jbrd) look forward to the relationship section of my blog. This week has been quite confusing for me. I'm not sure where anything stands right now. I know what I want, but I'm not sure that it's feasible. I guess if it's worth it, it'll work, but sometimes I think my optimistic nature and faith in the future is wayy beyond that of others. But that's just the way I am!

I've also come to realize that I'm an "all or nothing" kind of gal. I seem to have an on/off switch somewhere in my brain. I attribute this to my selfless nature as Kylie would describe it. When I'm in a relationship or even just like someone a lot, I put my whole heart into it, and, usually way too quickly. I give it to them to toss around, see if they like it, drop it, step on it, hand it back, or break it into a million little pieces. I wish I had a grey area, but I don't. I think that's why I hurt people and get hurt so easily. It's frustrating, but not as frustrating as the insecurity that the unknown brings. Le sigh.

I'm just going to keep busting my butt so that no matter what happens, I'll be in the best shape of my life and I'll be the best Becky I can be so that I can check my insecurity blanket at the door. :)

NMW,

<3