I'm a loser, baby!

As I sit here eating my cheetos for lunch.... (hey, I never claimed to be a picture perfect eater.) I am more than excited to say that at present I am 1 pound away from my doctor's goal weight! 166! When I say there will be a throw down when I see the scale say 165, I mean it.

During my initial consult phase of this process, in a meeting with the psychologist, Dr. Jeff Smith, he informed me that with this sugery I could expect to lose 70% of my excess weight in 2-3 years. From the get go, that sounded kinda crazy to me! I just wasn't in a place that I could imagine myself losing that much, ever. Now here I am, almost 15 months out, and about to give that goal a run for its money. Honestly? I'm stunned.

Sometimes I don't know how to feel about it. I have mixed emotions. I've heard people say, "it was easier being fat." and that never made sense to me. There hasn't been a day that I've ever felt like I've crossed over that line. The overall body image mentality doesn't change in 15 months. The insecurities still creep up, because even if you're not morbidly obese anymore, you may never be stick thin. That is absolutely fine with me! I don't want to be super thin, I never have been and never will be. I'd look diseased. No joke. But I do understand now, why people feel that way.

Being "fat," as I've said before, is a security blanket of sorts. It's a shield against the world, against getting hurt. When you're so down on yourself that you feel unlovable, you are. When looking at pictures of yourself makes you question why anyone would ever fall in love with you, there's an issue bigger than your pants size. So, like I say, it's a sort of protection. In the same sense, it makes you build walls, and it keeps you all to yourself. It's the most lonely feeling in the world. As loved as you may be, by your family and friends, you start to assume that all love is platonic, and that becomes okay. It's not, but it is what it is.

When you break out of that shell and you start to lose weight, people notice. Guys notice. People who never gave you a second glance suddenly think you're beautiful. It's not that I never felt beautiful, it's not that I didn't measure up to society's standards - I did, they just had negative connotations associated with them. It's just that I feel like I never knew what it felt like to catch a guy's attention with my looks alone. It's a crazy thing, I tell ya. And it's true what they say, people are nicer to you when you're not big. For shame. It's not that they're mean, there's just a difference between polite and nice, in my opinion.

I hate that society has put such a stigma upon weight. Other than having polycystic ovaries, I was the picture of health. Granted, I faced my biggest fear of never being able to have children, but I'm almost positive that won't be a problem now. But, seriously, just because someone is overweight that doesn't make them a slob. It doesn't mean that they eat everything in sight, and it sure as hell doesn't mean that they don't care about themselves. It annoys me to to end, and I just haven't vented about it enough. Do I feel more healthy? Yes. Does that make me a better person inside? No. Have I vented enough? Yes.

What makes me suuuuuper happy, other than almost being at my goal weight, is that I don't have to compete with my sister anymore! Why? Because she's PREGNANT again! Yayayayay!!!! I'm going to have another neice or nephew come December 28th-ish! How fitting as that is a day that we celebrate every year! Not only is it our Mom's birthday it's also our parents' anniversary! A wonderful day on all accounts :) I am over the moon excited to have another squishy little love around, and I have already made more room in my heart to smother this one with as much love as I do baby Graham. They'll be 18 months apart so I'll have plenty of reason to steal one or both of them away to give Mommy & Daddy a break! I simply cannot wait. I may or may not be more excited about this than Christmas this year!

That's all I've got for now! Hopefully I'll have a milestone post soooooon!

NMW,

<3

'You are perfect to me.'

First and foremost, I'll just go ahead and apologize for my hiatus from WIW'ing. It's been over a month, which is just crazy - time flies when you're havin fun!

Overall, things are great! I had a rough patch of my body being out of whack, and crept back up to the 170s which was devastating in and of itself. I really beat myself up about it, just like I promised myself I wouldn't. But I'm happy to report that I am back in the 160s :) 169 to be exact! I'm happy with that - I'm so close to my goal that it's like I'm almost teasing myself, or maybe my body is playing tricks on me!

The one thing I've noticed is that, aside from people telling me that I look great, etc. I actually, legitimately feel it these days. I feel like a different person, I guess I am a different person to an extent. I can't remember ever having consecutive days where I just felt pretty (aside from bad hair days.. ehhem.. today.) My confidence astounds me. Things that used to shattered my world roll of my back. I'm even more laid back than I used to be, if that's at all possible.

Granted, there are things that haunt me everyday, but these are the things that I accept and can live with. Everything I've done has gotten me to where I am today and I couldn't be more excited about the progress I've made and everything that is to come my way. My world, for once, revolves fully around me and what makes me happy, be it spending time with my family, hanging out with friends or doing absolutely nothing but sitting by the pool, on the porch or on the couch with a good book.

I've been at the pool a lot this summer already, I think the vitamin d rays are kicking in ;) A coworker this morning said I looked, "tan and rested." Not quite how I would describe myself but it's a nice way to come across! For the first time in a long time, I feel great about myself, inside and out. I thought it would take settling down, getting married, and starting my own family to be completely content - but it turns out I'm doing just fine being an aunt and being picky (rightly so) when it comes to finding the right guy. Dating is fun, so, why not make the most of it?

One year ago today I was anxiously awaiting one of the best moments of my life - the birth of my nephew, baby Graham! The faint feeling, the almost passing out, and the wanting to cry because my sister was in so much pain, are now a distant memory (okay.. kinda..) and are replaced by the wonderful memories of the past year. When I wrote the blog entry about baby G's arrival (http://beckskablog.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-dream.html) I still had no idea how incredibly blessed I was.

From day 1 to day 364 I've felt more love for him than I knew possible. I've graciously changed diapers, given baths, fed and changed clothes at every opportunity. We've giggled uncontrollably together, we've played together, we've cried together, and we've just sat around together - doing absolutely nothing, perfectly. He is the most docile, funny, serious, loving, sweet baby! I know I dote a lot, but whatever, he's my nephew, he's adorable when he's crying.

He has no idea how much he brightens my life. The fact that he lights up and smiles that big toothy grin when I walk in a room melts my heart. Him craning over the side of his car seat when I'm walking towards Jen's car to go somewhere, with that huge smile - again, makes my heart melt. When I've had a bad enough day, the only cure is to go to my sister's and play with that baby boy. Without even knowing it, he makes me laugh when all I want to do is cry.

Speaking of crying, reading my blog entry from last year today made me cry. Happy tears :) I was almost 30 pounds heavier, but still overwhelmed with joy. It's incredible how far I've come since then - in so many ways!

A year ago I would've never thought I could complete a 5K. But by golly, I did! The whole fan-damily and I did the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure. I even wogged (walk/jog) quite a bit. Did I mention I beat my personal record? That's because I didn't have one to begin with, but, whatevs. Toot toot! I am so incredibly proud of myself for accomplishing that goal, and I'm not nearly as scared of them as I used to be! Bring it, Dad!!!

I look forward to the next year, and every one after that - I have no doubt that I will have kicked my goal's butt by then, and who knows? Maybe I will have lost another 30 pounds... a girl's gotta dream big!

NMW,

<3

Just a couple days old <3



Big boy just a few days shy of 1!