I'm a loser, baby!

As I sit here eating my cheetos for lunch.... (hey, I never claimed to be a picture perfect eater.) I am more than excited to say that at present I am 1 pound away from my doctor's goal weight! 166! When I say there will be a throw down when I see the scale say 165, I mean it.

During my initial consult phase of this process, in a meeting with the psychologist, Dr. Jeff Smith, he informed me that with this sugery I could expect to lose 70% of my excess weight in 2-3 years. From the get go, that sounded kinda crazy to me! I just wasn't in a place that I could imagine myself losing that much, ever. Now here I am, almost 15 months out, and about to give that goal a run for its money. Honestly? I'm stunned.

Sometimes I don't know how to feel about it. I have mixed emotions. I've heard people say, "it was easier being fat." and that never made sense to me. There hasn't been a day that I've ever felt like I've crossed over that line. The overall body image mentality doesn't change in 15 months. The insecurities still creep up, because even if you're not morbidly obese anymore, you may never be stick thin. That is absolutely fine with me! I don't want to be super thin, I never have been and never will be. I'd look diseased. No joke. But I do understand now, why people feel that way.

Being "fat," as I've said before, is a security blanket of sorts. It's a shield against the world, against getting hurt. When you're so down on yourself that you feel unlovable, you are. When looking at pictures of yourself makes you question why anyone would ever fall in love with you, there's an issue bigger than your pants size. So, like I say, it's a sort of protection. In the same sense, it makes you build walls, and it keeps you all to yourself. It's the most lonely feeling in the world. As loved as you may be, by your family and friends, you start to assume that all love is platonic, and that becomes okay. It's not, but it is what it is.

When you break out of that shell and you start to lose weight, people notice. Guys notice. People who never gave you a second glance suddenly think you're beautiful. It's not that I never felt beautiful, it's not that I didn't measure up to society's standards - I did, they just had negative connotations associated with them. It's just that I feel like I never knew what it felt like to catch a guy's attention with my looks alone. It's a crazy thing, I tell ya. And it's true what they say, people are nicer to you when you're not big. For shame. It's not that they're mean, there's just a difference between polite and nice, in my opinion.

I hate that society has put such a stigma upon weight. Other than having polycystic ovaries, I was the picture of health. Granted, I faced my biggest fear of never being able to have children, but I'm almost positive that won't be a problem now. But, seriously, just because someone is overweight that doesn't make them a slob. It doesn't mean that they eat everything in sight, and it sure as hell doesn't mean that they don't care about themselves. It annoys me to to end, and I just haven't vented about it enough. Do I feel more healthy? Yes. Does that make me a better person inside? No. Have I vented enough? Yes.

What makes me suuuuuper happy, other than almost being at my goal weight, is that I don't have to compete with my sister anymore! Why? Because she's PREGNANT again! Yayayayay!!!! I'm going to have another neice or nephew come December 28th-ish! How fitting as that is a day that we celebrate every year! Not only is it our Mom's birthday it's also our parents' anniversary! A wonderful day on all accounts :) I am over the moon excited to have another squishy little love around, and I have already made more room in my heart to smother this one with as much love as I do baby Graham. They'll be 18 months apart so I'll have plenty of reason to steal one or both of them away to give Mommy & Daddy a break! I simply cannot wait. I may or may not be more excited about this than Christmas this year!

That's all I've got for now! Hopefully I'll have a milestone post soooooon!

NMW,

<3