The learning curve..

I lost 2 POUNDS!!! And I even checked 2 days in a row, just to make sure the scale wasn't lying ;) I'm at 180 now, so I'll definitely be celebrating the next pound which I will KEEP OFF! Woohoooo!

Maybe being stressed works for me... Because that's what I've been and the worst is yet to come.. work wise! My temp workers started this week and they're all precious and amazing, but training is training and who likes to sit at their desk and read a manual which says the same thing 83931 times? Not I. I tried to spice things up today by doing some hands-on stuff, and they seemed to like that, but honestly... it still sucks. Better luck next year.. when I know what to expect and what I'm even talking about! Thank goodness the girls have been so patient with me and even if I'm a nervous wreck about the next 2 crazy weeks, I've been able to hide my fear and ease theirs.

We'll be taking applications for a solid two weeks for LIEAP alone. We'll see hundreds of people, atleast 1200, in 10 days. Eek. A challenge, fo sho, but I really think we'll be on easy street after day 1 when everyone's (including mine..) confidence is up and they feel like they know what they're doing... because the process is quite repetitious! And somehow, with my awesome time management skills (ha!), I'll still have to process all the CIP applications while assisting the app workers as needed.. I don't know if any of you care about my work life.. but that's what's on the forefront of my brain right now.

But when I lay down at night there are other things on my brain...

My lovelife for one. Ahh.. some juice! Not really... it's kinda lacking lately. Like, there have been opportunities knocking, I'm just not feelin like dating anyone at all right now, and as many time as I've gotten hurt, the last thing I want to do is hurt someone else by leading them on. It's a catch 22 though, because by being incognito, I could miss out on something genuine. Not to say that I want to date guys who are superficial or emotionally unavailable, or what have you, I just don't want to get wrapped up in something that's going to get me hurt again, or end up with me hurting them. I hope that makes sense.

One thing I've noticed recently is that while I hope to goodness my personality hasn't changed, and I know my sense of humor hasn't.. as my confidence increases, so do my standards to some extent. I used to crave attention from guys because I wasn't getting it. Now that I have it, I either don't know what to do with it, or I get annoyed by how they act. I know I've always had every right to be picky, but I wasn't. I was feigning for the unattainable, one of the only things that was out of my reach... and some days I want that back.

I never thought I'd say that I wanted my weight back. And don't get me wrong, I DON'T! I want to keep losing 2 pounds a week, or even a month, until I get to my goal. Which will happen. Eventually. But at the same time, it's reallyyy difficult to go from being 245lbs to 180 in a matter of 7 months. People can tell you that til they're blue in the face before you lose the weight, but it doesn't matter. It affects everyone differently.

I have found myself, more than once, almost wishing that I still had that cloak of morbid obesity to hide behind, because, to be honest, I felt invisible. I felt like I was constantly having to shine in other ways and succeed at other things in order to even be noticed. That sounds terrible in retrospect, but that's just the way it was. It's not an easy lifestyle to live, and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. But the silver lining is that I have been there, done that, got that t-shirt and I've learned a lot in the process.

I've learned that I never want to see those numbers on a scale again. I've learned that I never want to feel judged because of my weight again. That I will never judge an obese person. That I have to accept plateus. That I don't want to lose my curves. That I'm not an object. That no matter how much I lose, I can never lose myself. I've learned that people really do see me differently than I see myself, and that's great. I've learned that when people give me compliments, they are genuine. I've learned that my ass looks fabulous sometimes and I just have to accept that.

I've learned that the person I'm becoming is beginning to reflect the person I've always been on the inside. My heart isn't obese. My soul is perfectly fit. My mind is in better shape than a lot of people's and the rest of me just needs some tuning.

I'm happy with my success so far, and I plan to continue to succeed week by week, and I want to get in the habit of being proud of myself for maintaining my weight, because even if the scale doesn't budge one Wednesday, it will never say 245 again.

NMW,

<3

Just because I love pictures!....

Steady as she goes....

SOOO sorry about the delay! I just scrapped everything I wrote yesterday, because I just wasn't in writing mode yesterday, therefore it was just not flowing and nothing I wanted to say was coming out right. I apologize to those who were anxiously awaiting/accosting me about it ;) I love you guys!


Soo yesterday morning and this morning when I weighed (to be fair!) I was at 181. Soo, a pound since last week, which is great! But still, naturally, not as much as I had hoped! I haven't had an exciting 3 pound weight loss in a month, but to tell you the truth, I'm glad. The times when I have lost 3 pounds in a week, believe it or not, have been some of the hardest times of my life but I displaced my stress/saddness by not eating.. and celebrating the fact that I was losing weight.

I have NEVER been a person to NOT eat when I'm stressed. I have always eaten when I'm happy, sad, bored, meloncholy, ecstatic, depressed, hot, cold, you name it. If my belly wasn't too full for it, there was always room in the inn. I based my life around food, hands down, all the time. Now I'm restricted as to how much I can depend on food like I used to, and thank God for that. But I've also taken it for granted in that when I've gone through these stressful or sad times, I've taken to somewhat starving myself. And what's that do? Nothing good, I'll tell ya that right now.

But it wasn't like I meant to. I didn't wake up one day and say, oh, so and so hurt my heart today, I think I'll starve so that I can lose weight and feel confident again next WIW. Okay, maybe that's what my conscience said, verbatem. But, regardless, that's exactly what I was doing. I think I've blogged about it.. but I can't remember. I know I said that I felt like I was almost getting anorexic, and I kind of was I guess. A total 180 from the eating habits I used to have, that's for damn sure!

These days I feel like I'm finding a happy medium, however, it's not very weight loss friendly! I'm eating until I'm satisfied, but maybe not quite as healthy as when I first jumped on the band-wagon (pun absolutely intended). And since I'm now at my "sweet spot" I believe I've gotten a little too confident in myself. I need to set up an appointment with Amber so she can set me straight. I reallyy need to start journaling my food so that I can see what I ate on a "good" week, but it's so much easier said than done. I can barely remember what I ate for breakfast much less remember to log it when I'm done or at the end of the day. I'll find a system that works, meanwhile, I just need to watch myself and get my sweet tooth pulled!

I find that not drinking alcohol, as I usually drank sweet white wine, is STILL causing me to crave sweats. Like I said before, I'm not really a sweets person. Sure, I love them, but I've never craved them. My feeble attempt at ceasing this craving is to chew lots of gum. If it works to quit smoking, why not to quit sweetening? Any suggestions are welcome, and PLEASE do not feel like you can't eat a piece of cake in front of me, that would make me feel totally guilty (more so than you. I PROMISE.)

That's something I should probably talk about. People's guilt-association towards me. It's gotten progressively worse and it makes me feel so bad. Like, bless their hearts, everyone who is close to me knows that I can't drink anything carbonated. But it never fails (nope, you're not the only one who has done it!) someone will always offer me a drink with carbonation or some random thing that I can't eat and I just ask for water or laugh b/c they quickly realize what they've said and then they either seem to feel embarassed for forgetting, or guilty that they can drink it and I can't. Let me tell you, each and every one of you: It does NOT bother me one bit. And I actually find it pretty amusing, because that's better than feeling like a freak of nature :)

One thing that will always make me feel like a freak of nature (or until I just get used to it?) is when I'm sitting at the table and suddenly get a look of discomfort and sudden onset panic because something has gotten "stuck." I think my parents, Ash T and Ryan are probably the only ones who have actually witnessed these episodes, but they're not pretty. Honestly, I just get scared. I can generally walk around and be fine, but there's been once that it was so sudden I got sick in a cup in my car - thank you, God, for allowing me to be alone at that moment! I know my band well enough to know when something is going to go through and when it's just going to have to come up, no if's and's or but's about it, and I've never gotten sick at the table (knock on wood!) or anything, but I get so self conscious, to the point that I had to request that my Mom not look at me for a minute until I finally excused myself to the bathroom - to no avail.

There's the "bad & ugly" for this edition! I don't know why but it made me feel so guilty to ask her to look away. She's my Mom, she just wanted to make sure I was okay and she'd be the first to hold my hair should I ask. In those moments I just feel so embarassed and like, "why'd I eat that so dang fast??" and I get super insecure. I had an episode (I hope none of my other family noticed!) at my Aunt & Uncle's house b/c I ate too much for my little belly, and, in hindsight, my band was much tighter from swelling on the flight down to FL Friday night... but that didnt' occur to me at the time! I had sharp shooting pains on my left side, as if I had a stitch from running a mile, but really I had just done some marathon eating of the delicious food my Aunt Sherry cooked! The yuckiness went away, but for a good 30 minutes it was all I could do not to cry. But, as always, I learned my lesson!

So, on to the "good!" We had an awesome weekend in Jacksonville, FL! I've never made it down to see one of my Uncle Shawn's Change of Command ceremonies due to other events, but I was determined to make it this time! I was so honored and blessed to be invited to such a prestigious event, and even more excited that it was in honor of my Uncle's service for the past 15 months. He's passed on the reigns and will move onto his next assignment, but you could just tell how much he enjoyed his term and how much he was appreciated. Especially when his squadron presented him with an extra award, not usually given, just to show their appreciation. His face was priceless and it just melted my heart! I am so proud of him, and of course all of our servicemen, but him especially :)

It was so nice to spend the weekend with my parents, Uncle Laurie & cousin Mandy and to finally get to visit Uncle Shawn, Aunt Sherry and my precious baby cousin Natalie in their territory! We got the ultimate experience! Before the ceremony we went to "play" in the flight simulator which is an exact replica of the P-3 his squadron flies. It was awesomeee. And I did a touch & go! That was cool. And we're all still alive... impressive.

My faith in God is still going strong. We're like bff's. We talk everyday, multiple times a day. He's helping me to open my eyes to see the good aspects and negative aspects of my life, and helping me to decipher what deserves my attention and what doesn't. Right now I'm focusing all of my energy on work, home and family. I sound like a married lady, huh? What I mean is, I'm focusing on myself, and making sure that I love myself first and foremost, before anyone else, and look out for my best interest. I cleaned my room and bathroom spic n span.. 235429 loads of laundry later. I gathered and bagged clothes for Goodwill and trashed some. With Mom's help my car is also spic n span. I intend to keep these things this way because it just makes me feel so much better as a whole.

I know, it's common sense, but sometimes it's so easy to let yourself go and procrastinate things until you make a mountain out of a mole hill.. or clothes, or coffee cups, or any other imaginable thing that could be found in a bedroom or car. I'm trying really hard to just stay organized, not just for a couple days or for a week, but for the long haul.

I've spent an incredible amount of time with my family for the past month ;) and I've realized how easy it is to make time for them. Family dinners are becoming a much more regular thing, and we probably have G to thank for some of that. He's a blessing in more ways than one! I realize that this is part of my healing process and definitely part of His plan for me. I spent a long time rebelling against my better interest, but my parents were steadfast and they knew they had to give me my wings in order for me to make it back to them. They still allow me to have my wings, but they also keep me humbled and for that I am soo glad. I know y'all know how much I love my family, but to me, it's like proclaiming my faith, I just can't say it enough. I love you Mom, Dad, Jen, Jay and G! And ALL of my extended family of course!

I have no idea if any of what I just typed flowed, but I pray that it's somewhat coherent. I'm getting somewhat stressed at work because, well, I asked for it. If you offer your services and help word spreads quickly ;) I do love it though, and I look so forward to the first 2 weeks of November when we'll be swamped with LIEAP applications. I'm being groomed this year, to be able to run the program efficiently next year.. Wish me luck! And remind me that I was anxious for more responsibility when I'm pulling out my hair!

PS Yesterday was love your body day. Give yourself a hug, beautiful!

NMW,

<3

I said I'd be honest!

From the get-go, I said I'd be completely honest about my weight loss, even if it meant I gained. And, although I would much rather completely fib this week, I'd be doing myself no favors.

This morning when I hopped on the scale, much to my dismay, I was at 182. That's a four pound weight GAIN since the last time I actually weighed in on a Wednesday. So what gives? Why the sudden stall/gain? Idk. I don't feel like I've been doing anything differently, and I definitely know what and how to eat, so why is it not coming off like it should? I guess this is all just part of the process, and I had a lot of beginners luck, but it's frustrating to say the least.

I knew things would taper off eventually, but I didn't expect it to be so abrupt and all up in my face. I guess part of what makes it harder is that I am very vocal about all of this, heck, I put it out here for the world to see, and that's part of what I love about the whole process. I just feel like my expectations for myself are and have been so high, that I've made everyone else's expectations just as high, and when I gain I completely internalize it and beat myself up for it. I'm trying to take it in stride and realize that not every week is going to be as monumental as I want it to be, and that it's okay to have gained 4 pounds in a couple of weeks.

Magan and I are going to the Y tonight and by gosh I'm going to run on that treadmill. No more walking for me. And I'm going to bust my butt on the machines, and push myself to do more than just my 15 reps. 20 if I can stand it. Can you tell I've been watching Biggest Loser? ;) I'm so annoyed with my belly fat, hips and thighs just like every woman, but I feel like mine are just so prominent! The pooch just won't go away and the flab of my thighs makes me feel like they're still bigger than they should be. Soo, more toning is definitely in my future. Woe is me. Woe is my gender.

This week started out pretty hard. I found out that, yet again, God called upon an angel that to us, seemed too soon. Ryan DesNoyers passed away Monday morning. He was the father of Lagan and Dallas, who are two of the sweetest children I know. He had been married to Bahnie who is one of the strongest women I know and I've known him as long as I've known the Strand clan. He was always fun to be around, and he was able to put me in my place when I needed it. He was Laura's big brother and treated her friends just as well. I never had to worry when Ryan was around, if anyone messed with me, he'd take care of them. It's going to be a long road for Bahnie and the kids to get over this, but I know how strong they are and I know that with their families, they will be okay.

I feel like God has faced me with a lot of death and loss in my life thus far for a reason. Well, I've always known that, but it's just now becoming more clear.

I'm a best friend to many, and a friend to most. I'm someone who will trust you after our first heart to heart and will be loyal to you until you, Heaven forbid, betray me. I will never intentionally put you down and I will always see the best in you, even when you can't see it yourself. I will always be a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, and a judgement-free enabler if you need chocolate, wine, or a cold beer. If you're in a slump, I guarantee I can find a way to relate and empathize without just feeling sorry for you. I can give you advice to the best of my ability, and although I may not support your decisions or plans, I will never belittle them. I will never argue with you or make you feel like you're wrong.

I may forget to ask you how your day, week, or life is, but that doesn't mean I'm not interested or that I don't care. I keep an eye and ear out for all of my friends at all times, and I know when you need me, and sometimes, as luck would have it I'm able to be there. Sometimes I'm not, but that doesn't mean I'm not still here. I'm not perfect, no one is, but I'm consistent. I am loyal and although I may just fall to pieces and cry with you, I love being the one my friends come to when they just need to get it all out.

I've been caught up in a daze lately, worrying so much about my own life and my own problems and how I'm going to get out of them and through them, and I've forgotten that God needs me to help Him do His work. He needs me to be there for my friends, even if I feel like "they probably just want some alone time right now." He wants me to reach out to them and offer that strong solidarity of friendship. Those friendships where you can go days or weeks without talking and still be there for each other when it counts are the ones that you know are real.

I just hope that my legacy someday is that I was an amazing friend. I'm not one to boast, but I'd say if I've succeeded at anything thus far, it is that. I have conquered socialization. I have more friends than I know what to do with sometimes, but each of them are in my life for a reason, and now it's time for me to use my God given strength to be there for each of them, no matter what they're going through. If I could protect everyone I love from hurt, pain and suffering, I would. But that's not my job and it's not His plan. All I can do is be there for them just as I need them to be there for me sometimes, and just as they are.

That said.. I love all of my friends dearly and we've all been through some tremendous loss in our years. Unfortunately, a lot of them have hit pretty close to home for me, which scares the crap out of me, but like I said.. it's all in His plan. I've learned a couple of coping mechanisms and ways to deal with my sadness, and these are things that I am meant to pass along. They are tools I wish I never had to dust off, and especially never had to hand-down.

It sucks that these are the kinds of thought processess we have only after death hits close to home. It's like hearing a story on the news and realizing, oh, crap, that may possibly happen to me sometime. Are all my ducks in a row? Are all my chapters closed? If the world ended tomorrow would I have told everyone I loved them? Probably not. But that's okay. Maya Angelou said it best: “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

I love my family and friends more than anything, and I am so grateful everyday for all of the support and the pushes you each have given me. You make it worth putting my heart on the line and spilling my guts in this silly little blog each week because even when I get down on myself, y'all don't, and I thank you for that. Thank you for reminding me that I look amazing, especially on days when I wake up late and forget to put on makeup... but if you don't work with me, you don't even know that ;)

NMW,

<3

WIW took a vacay!

This past week was full of excitement! Between appointments and vacations, dull moments have been few and far between. However, WIW has also taken a bit of a hiatus! I left my scale (maybe subconsciously...) at my parent's house last week hence I wasn't able to weigh in then! As luck would have it, it didn't occur to me until this morning that the scale has made itself a permament resident of my old bathroom at "home!"

I swear I'm not sabatoging my WIW posts intentionally, but it's given me some insight and time to reflect on just how obsessed I have become with that darn thing. It made me sad when I realize that it's was not there this morning, not because I was eager to see how many pounds I packed on during vacation (jk.. I hope!) but because I know how many of you look forward to tracking my progress and I absolutely hate to disappoint you faithful Weigh in Wednesday Weight Watching Warriors (say that 10x fast.... go ahead.. I can't even do it in my brain!)

I know it's not all about the numbers... but to an extent it is! How would I know how far I have come if not for the numbers?? And how would I attain my goals if not for the numbers? If I just quit caring how much I lost when people started telling me I looked amazing, I would've quit long ago! But I've still got so far to go and so much to lose - and gain in the process. I would be happy with another 40-50 pounds whereas my surgeon said Friday he's happy with where I am but that ultimately 15 more pounds would be great.

Say what?? I got this! I lost 14 pounds since my last visit - albeit harder and harder each week to lose, I still lost that much in like 10 weeks which is awesome! Go me! But it's so easy to get sucked into the mentality of "I have to make it to this number.. I just can't go on if I don't, I will disappoint so many people who are rooting for me!" but then, I realize, that I have a powerful tool. I have an aid to help me and I have every source to utilize as well as an army of supporters, and it literally gets me through everyday.

I'm kinda of in a blah mood today just because I had such a wonderful vacation that it's hard to get back into the swing of things! Plus, I may or may not have enjoyed quite a few sweets over the long weekend and am now feeling a bit guilty about that.. but hey, that's just one of those bumps along the road and to think of myself as a bad person for eating too much chocolate.. having that piece of key lime pie.. or the delectable birthday goodies for Jay's bday, would be ridiculous! I'm not a big sweets person, so I'm kind of glad I let myself indulge a little bit. Sweets are sometimes good for the soul - in moderation of course ;)

On the way to and from the beach, I read aloud Beth Moore's book, "So Long Insecurity." A lot of which I could relate directly to, and some of which, she went on tangents and I got completely lost! What I gained from it though, is that we are perfect in God's eyes. He made us this way and whether or not we think we are perfect is not up to us to judge. It is also not up to us to judge others and size ourselves up to them. This is something I've struggled with and been guilty of for years. But then again, we all have. It'd be downright foolish for any woman to say that she doesn't give another the once over the first time she meets or sees another woman, and somehow rank herself against the other to determine the level of threat or non-threat this woman may pose.

I love love love my friends, but I'll be the first to tell you that they are all beautiful and it's hard to be somewhat self conscious around them because I hold them all on such a pedestal. Not because I think of myself as inferior (okay, maybe I do) but because I just love my girls so much and I think they are all so pretty and special in their own way - not to mention, most of them are at least 5 sizes smaller than me ;) But what I do know is that each and every one of them has had their confidence tested. If not by other women, which may be the worst possible form, then by men. Men who belittled them and made them feel like they weren't accomplishing their full worth - which is BS because I know better!

It makes me happy when they do find ones that constantly build them up (and gives me hope!) and even happier when they marry those beau's! But on the other hand, it it absolutely breaks my heart when my friends come to me with their heart in their hands and I don't have enough glue in the world to repair the damage those stupid boys have done. I have been in their shoes and I can't say that I'm not still guilty of exposing myself to harmful and hurtful situations, but what I can say is that I've gotten to a point with myself that I no longer allow them or me to beat my heart to a bloody pulp. Instead of wearing it on my sleeve, it's tucked back inside my chest, just where it belongs. And that's where it shall remain until some lucky man decides he's ready to place it in a glass case on a tall shelf right near the pedestal he places me on!

This weekend while at the beach, I took a huge leap in the direction of confidence building. Being that it was definitely the last time this year that I'll be at the beach during bathing suit season (and because I literally forgot my tankini top at home) I donned a BIKINI at the beach. I kid you not! Luckily, where we were there weren't really any 20-somethings.. mostly retirees and cute little families.. but none the less, I went out in PUBLIC! And guess what? No one cared! They didn't point and laugh at me like they did in my anxiety induced daydreams.. they merely enjoyed the pool, the hot tub or the beach and carried on about their sun bathing. And my biggest critics, my parents, even told me I looked great and had nothing to worry about! Whew!

I was super anxious about being in a bikini in front of my dad.. because like it or not, I'm still his baby girl! But he took one look and chimed right in with the peanut gallery and stated himself that I looked great. High five Papa Page. :) It warmed my heart... as did the hot tub I quickly jumped in to avoid too much exposure!

I'm coming along in this journey of finding myself and my new self, and it's taken a lot of energy but somehow I feel like I've lost touch with too many people in the process. I'm not sure why that is, but it's not intentional and it's something I want to change. My heart hurts when I think about how long it's been since I've chatted with my best friend, Erin, to catch up until our next heart to heart. It pains me to think of how long it's been since Brookie and I have sat on the porch and talked until the wee hours of the morning about anything and everything. It saddens me how much the kids have grown since the last time I had a girls night with Lala and/or B. It devastates me that it's so hard to find time just to get together with Steph even if it's just for a wax/hair color. I hate to think that Kylie doesn't know every detail of my life like she should and that she can't be here to let me comfort her and vise versa during those hard days.

Then there are those that I talk to or see on a regular basis, who I still feel like I don't have that intimate closeness with that I once did. It's not because of them or me or anything really, it's just that we're growing up. I live a busy life and their schedules are just as demanding. There was a time when we could spend everyday at each others houses after school or on the weekends, but now they are filled with cleaning, paying bills and tending to families or just to ourselves.

People always say "when did we grow up and how do we make it stop?" but I'm not sure that's what I want. I don't want to stop growing up and learning as I go, and experiencing new things and gaining responsibility. What I do want is to appreciate each day and to make time for people as much as possible. I want to have that carefree spirit that I have had for most of my life but I realize that I have to let part of that go in order not to drown in the real world. It's hard finding a balance, but I guess that's just what life is all about.. finding balance. I should appreciate that I have only myself to tend to for now, but sometimes, especially recently, that proves to be a full time job in and of itself.

I will make every effort to update my weight progress ASAP, but my forgetful mind doesn't always help the cause ;)

I still continue to notice physical changes and that's what's most important! One of my very favorite things to do is try on clothes that used to be tight and toss them in the ever-growing pile of "things that are too big to keep wearing and need to be given away or taken to Goodwill." It's a fun game me, myself and I play. And I am eternally grateful that I am such a stingy shopper because I don't feel one bit guilty about the money I spent on those clothes - because no doubt they were picked from the clearance rack at an outlet store!

I hope you guys aren't too mad at me for not weighing in this Wednesday, but as you see, I have no shortage of words and thoughts on which to weigh in!

NMW,

<3

Also:

I finally figured out how to do side by side pictures of the ones I posted last week - yay!