Maybe being stressed works for me... Because that's what I've been and the worst is yet to come.. work wise! My temp workers started this week and they're all precious and amazing, but training is training and who likes to sit at their desk and read a manual which says the same thing 83931 times? Not I. I tried to spice things up today by doing some hands-on stuff, and they seemed to like that, but honestly... it still sucks. Better luck next year.. when I know what to expect and what I'm even talking about! Thank goodness the girls have been so patient with me and even if I'm a nervous wreck about the next 2 crazy weeks, I've been able to hide my fear and ease theirs.
We'll be taking applications for a solid two weeks for LIEAP alone. We'll see hundreds of people, atleast 1200, in 10 days. Eek. A challenge, fo sho, but I really think we'll be on easy street after day 1 when everyone's (including mine..) confidence is up and they feel like they know what they're doing... because the process is quite repetitious! And somehow, with my awesome time management skills (ha!), I'll still have to process all the CIP applications while assisting the app workers as needed.. I don't know if any of you care about my work life.. but that's what's on the forefront of my brain right now.
But when I lay down at night there are other things on my brain...
My lovelife for one. Ahh.. some juice! Not really... it's kinda lacking lately. Like, there have been opportunities knocking, I'm just not feelin like dating anyone at all right now, and as many time as I've gotten hurt, the last thing I want to do is hurt someone else by leading them on. It's a catch 22 though, because by being incognito, I could miss out on something genuine. Not to say that I want to date guys who are superficial or emotionally unavailable, or what have you, I just don't want to get wrapped up in something that's going to get me hurt again, or end up with me hurting them. I hope that makes sense.
One thing I've noticed recently is that while I hope to goodness my personality hasn't changed, and I know my sense of humor hasn't.. as my confidence increases, so do my standards to some extent. I used to crave attention from guys because I wasn't getting it. Now that I have it, I either don't know what to do with it, or I get annoyed by how they act. I know I've always had every right to be picky, but I wasn't. I was feigning for the unattainable, one of the only things that was out of my reach... and some days I want that back.
I never thought I'd say that I wanted my weight back. And don't get me wrong, I DON'T! I want to keep losing 2 pounds a week, or even a month, until I get to my goal. Which will happen. Eventually. But at the same time, it's reallyyy difficult to go from being 245lbs to 180 in a matter of 7 months. People can tell you that til they're blue in the face before you lose the weight, but it doesn't matter. It affects everyone differently.
I have found myself, more than once, almost wishing that I still had that cloak of morbid obesity to hide behind, because, to be honest, I felt invisible. I felt like I was constantly having to shine in other ways and succeed at other things in order to even be noticed. That sounds terrible in retrospect, but that's just the way it was. It's not an easy lifestyle to live, and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. But the silver lining is that I have been there, done that, got that t-shirt and I've learned a lot in the process.
I've learned that I never want to see those numbers on a scale again. I've learned that I never want to feel judged because of my weight again. That I will never judge an obese person. That I have to accept plateus. That I don't want to lose my curves. That I'm not an object. That no matter how much I lose, I can never lose myself. I've learned that people really do see me differently than I see myself, and that's great. I've learned that when people give me compliments, they are genuine. I've learned that my ass looks fabulous sometimes and I just have to accept that.
I've learned that the person I'm becoming is beginning to reflect the person I've always been on the inside. My heart isn't obese. My soul is perfectly fit. My mind is in better shape than a lot of people's and the rest of me just needs some tuning.
I'm happy with my success so far, and I plan to continue to succeed week by week, and I want to get in the habit of being proud of myself for maintaining my weight, because even if the scale doesn't budge one Wednesday, it will never say 245 again.
NMW,
<3
Just because I love pictures!....
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