Steady as she goes....

SOOO sorry about the delay! I just scrapped everything I wrote yesterday, because I just wasn't in writing mode yesterday, therefore it was just not flowing and nothing I wanted to say was coming out right. I apologize to those who were anxiously awaiting/accosting me about it ;) I love you guys!


Soo yesterday morning and this morning when I weighed (to be fair!) I was at 181. Soo, a pound since last week, which is great! But still, naturally, not as much as I had hoped! I haven't had an exciting 3 pound weight loss in a month, but to tell you the truth, I'm glad. The times when I have lost 3 pounds in a week, believe it or not, have been some of the hardest times of my life but I displaced my stress/saddness by not eating.. and celebrating the fact that I was losing weight.

I have NEVER been a person to NOT eat when I'm stressed. I have always eaten when I'm happy, sad, bored, meloncholy, ecstatic, depressed, hot, cold, you name it. If my belly wasn't too full for it, there was always room in the inn. I based my life around food, hands down, all the time. Now I'm restricted as to how much I can depend on food like I used to, and thank God for that. But I've also taken it for granted in that when I've gone through these stressful or sad times, I've taken to somewhat starving myself. And what's that do? Nothing good, I'll tell ya that right now.

But it wasn't like I meant to. I didn't wake up one day and say, oh, so and so hurt my heart today, I think I'll starve so that I can lose weight and feel confident again next WIW. Okay, maybe that's what my conscience said, verbatem. But, regardless, that's exactly what I was doing. I think I've blogged about it.. but I can't remember. I know I said that I felt like I was almost getting anorexic, and I kind of was I guess. A total 180 from the eating habits I used to have, that's for damn sure!

These days I feel like I'm finding a happy medium, however, it's not very weight loss friendly! I'm eating until I'm satisfied, but maybe not quite as healthy as when I first jumped on the band-wagon (pun absolutely intended). And since I'm now at my "sweet spot" I believe I've gotten a little too confident in myself. I need to set up an appointment with Amber so she can set me straight. I reallyy need to start journaling my food so that I can see what I ate on a "good" week, but it's so much easier said than done. I can barely remember what I ate for breakfast much less remember to log it when I'm done or at the end of the day. I'll find a system that works, meanwhile, I just need to watch myself and get my sweet tooth pulled!

I find that not drinking alcohol, as I usually drank sweet white wine, is STILL causing me to crave sweats. Like I said before, I'm not really a sweets person. Sure, I love them, but I've never craved them. My feeble attempt at ceasing this craving is to chew lots of gum. If it works to quit smoking, why not to quit sweetening? Any suggestions are welcome, and PLEASE do not feel like you can't eat a piece of cake in front of me, that would make me feel totally guilty (more so than you. I PROMISE.)

That's something I should probably talk about. People's guilt-association towards me. It's gotten progressively worse and it makes me feel so bad. Like, bless their hearts, everyone who is close to me knows that I can't drink anything carbonated. But it never fails (nope, you're not the only one who has done it!) someone will always offer me a drink with carbonation or some random thing that I can't eat and I just ask for water or laugh b/c they quickly realize what they've said and then they either seem to feel embarassed for forgetting, or guilty that they can drink it and I can't. Let me tell you, each and every one of you: It does NOT bother me one bit. And I actually find it pretty amusing, because that's better than feeling like a freak of nature :)

One thing that will always make me feel like a freak of nature (or until I just get used to it?) is when I'm sitting at the table and suddenly get a look of discomfort and sudden onset panic because something has gotten "stuck." I think my parents, Ash T and Ryan are probably the only ones who have actually witnessed these episodes, but they're not pretty. Honestly, I just get scared. I can generally walk around and be fine, but there's been once that it was so sudden I got sick in a cup in my car - thank you, God, for allowing me to be alone at that moment! I know my band well enough to know when something is going to go through and when it's just going to have to come up, no if's and's or but's about it, and I've never gotten sick at the table (knock on wood!) or anything, but I get so self conscious, to the point that I had to request that my Mom not look at me for a minute until I finally excused myself to the bathroom - to no avail.

There's the "bad & ugly" for this edition! I don't know why but it made me feel so guilty to ask her to look away. She's my Mom, she just wanted to make sure I was okay and she'd be the first to hold my hair should I ask. In those moments I just feel so embarassed and like, "why'd I eat that so dang fast??" and I get super insecure. I had an episode (I hope none of my other family noticed!) at my Aunt & Uncle's house b/c I ate too much for my little belly, and, in hindsight, my band was much tighter from swelling on the flight down to FL Friday night... but that didnt' occur to me at the time! I had sharp shooting pains on my left side, as if I had a stitch from running a mile, but really I had just done some marathon eating of the delicious food my Aunt Sherry cooked! The yuckiness went away, but for a good 30 minutes it was all I could do not to cry. But, as always, I learned my lesson!

So, on to the "good!" We had an awesome weekend in Jacksonville, FL! I've never made it down to see one of my Uncle Shawn's Change of Command ceremonies due to other events, but I was determined to make it this time! I was so honored and blessed to be invited to such a prestigious event, and even more excited that it was in honor of my Uncle's service for the past 15 months. He's passed on the reigns and will move onto his next assignment, but you could just tell how much he enjoyed his term and how much he was appreciated. Especially when his squadron presented him with an extra award, not usually given, just to show their appreciation. His face was priceless and it just melted my heart! I am so proud of him, and of course all of our servicemen, but him especially :)

It was so nice to spend the weekend with my parents, Uncle Laurie & cousin Mandy and to finally get to visit Uncle Shawn, Aunt Sherry and my precious baby cousin Natalie in their territory! We got the ultimate experience! Before the ceremony we went to "play" in the flight simulator which is an exact replica of the P-3 his squadron flies. It was awesomeee. And I did a touch & go! That was cool. And we're all still alive... impressive.

My faith in God is still going strong. We're like bff's. We talk everyday, multiple times a day. He's helping me to open my eyes to see the good aspects and negative aspects of my life, and helping me to decipher what deserves my attention and what doesn't. Right now I'm focusing all of my energy on work, home and family. I sound like a married lady, huh? What I mean is, I'm focusing on myself, and making sure that I love myself first and foremost, before anyone else, and look out for my best interest. I cleaned my room and bathroom spic n span.. 235429 loads of laundry later. I gathered and bagged clothes for Goodwill and trashed some. With Mom's help my car is also spic n span. I intend to keep these things this way because it just makes me feel so much better as a whole.

I know, it's common sense, but sometimes it's so easy to let yourself go and procrastinate things until you make a mountain out of a mole hill.. or clothes, or coffee cups, or any other imaginable thing that could be found in a bedroom or car. I'm trying really hard to just stay organized, not just for a couple days or for a week, but for the long haul.

I've spent an incredible amount of time with my family for the past month ;) and I've realized how easy it is to make time for them. Family dinners are becoming a much more regular thing, and we probably have G to thank for some of that. He's a blessing in more ways than one! I realize that this is part of my healing process and definitely part of His plan for me. I spent a long time rebelling against my better interest, but my parents were steadfast and they knew they had to give me my wings in order for me to make it back to them. They still allow me to have my wings, but they also keep me humbled and for that I am soo glad. I know y'all know how much I love my family, but to me, it's like proclaiming my faith, I just can't say it enough. I love you Mom, Dad, Jen, Jay and G! And ALL of my extended family of course!

I have no idea if any of what I just typed flowed, but I pray that it's somewhat coherent. I'm getting somewhat stressed at work because, well, I asked for it. If you offer your services and help word spreads quickly ;) I do love it though, and I look so forward to the first 2 weeks of November when we'll be swamped with LIEAP applications. I'm being groomed this year, to be able to run the program efficiently next year.. Wish me luck! And remind me that I was anxious for more responsibility when I'm pulling out my hair!

PS Yesterday was love your body day. Give yourself a hug, beautiful!

NMW,

<3