I swear I'm not sabatoging my WIW posts intentionally, but it's given me some insight and time to reflect on just how obsessed I have become with that darn thing. It made me sad when I realize that it's was not there this morning, not because I was eager to see how many pounds I packed on during vacation (jk.. I hope!) but because I know how many of you look forward to tracking my progress and I absolutely hate to disappoint you faithful Weigh in Wednesday Weight Watching Warriors (say that 10x fast.... go ahead.. I can't even do it in my brain!)
I know it's not all about the numbers... but to an extent it is! How would I know how far I have come if not for the numbers?? And how would I attain my goals if not for the numbers? If I just quit caring how much I lost when people started telling me I looked amazing, I would've quit long ago! But I've still got so far to go and so much to lose - and gain in the process. I would be happy with another 40-50 pounds whereas my surgeon said Friday he's happy with where I am but that ultimately 15 more pounds would be great.
Say what?? I got this! I lost 14 pounds since my last visit - albeit harder and harder each week to lose, I still lost that much in like 10 weeks which is awesome! Go me! But it's so easy to get sucked into the mentality of "I have to make it to this number.. I just can't go on if I don't, I will disappoint so many people who are rooting for me!" but then, I realize, that I have a powerful tool. I have an aid to help me and I have every source to utilize as well as an army of supporters, and it literally gets me through everyday.
I'm kinda of in a blah mood today just because I had such a wonderful vacation that it's hard to get back into the swing of things! Plus, I may or may not have enjoyed quite a few sweets over the long weekend and am now feeling a bit guilty about that.. but hey, that's just one of those bumps along the road and to think of myself as a bad person for eating too much chocolate.. having that piece of key lime pie.. or the delectable birthday goodies for Jay's bday, would be ridiculous! I'm not a big sweets person, so I'm kind of glad I let myself indulge a little bit. Sweets are sometimes good for the soul - in moderation of course ;)
On the way to and from the beach, I read aloud Beth Moore's book, "So Long Insecurity." A lot of which I could relate directly to, and some of which, she went on tangents and I got completely lost! What I gained from it though, is that we are perfect in God's eyes. He made us this way and whether or not we think we are perfect is not up to us to judge. It is also not up to us to judge others and size ourselves up to them. This is something I've struggled with and been guilty of for years. But then again, we all have. It'd be downright foolish for any woman to say that she doesn't give another the once over the first time she meets or sees another woman, and somehow rank herself against the other to determine the level of threat or non-threat this woman may pose.
I love love love my friends, but I'll be the first to tell you that they are all beautiful and it's hard to be somewhat self conscious around them because I hold them all on such a pedestal. Not because I think of myself as inferior (okay, maybe I do) but because I just love my girls so much and I think they are all so pretty and special in their own way - not to mention, most of them are at least 5 sizes smaller than me ;) But what I do know is that each and every one of them has had their confidence tested. If not by other women, which may be the worst possible form, then by men. Men who belittled them and made them feel like they weren't accomplishing their full worth - which is BS because I know better!
It makes me happy when they do find ones that constantly build them up (and gives me hope!) and even happier when they marry those beau's! But on the other hand, it it absolutely breaks my heart when my friends come to me with their heart in their hands and I don't have enough glue in the world to repair the damage those stupid boys have done. I have been in their shoes and I can't say that I'm not still guilty of exposing myself to harmful and hurtful situations, but what I can say is that I've gotten to a point with myself that I no longer allow them or me to beat my heart to a bloody pulp. Instead of wearing it on my sleeve, it's tucked back inside my chest, just where it belongs. And that's where it shall remain until some lucky man decides he's ready to place it in a glass case on a tall shelf right near the pedestal he places me on!
This weekend while at the beach, I took a huge leap in the direction of confidence building. Being that it was definitely the last time this year that I'll be at the beach during bathing suit season (and because I literally forgot my tankini top at home) I donned a BIKINI at the beach. I kid you not! Luckily, where we were there weren't really any 20-somethings.. mostly retirees and cute little families.. but none the less, I went out in PUBLIC! And guess what? No one cared! They didn't point and laugh at me like they did in my anxiety induced daydreams.. they merely enjoyed the pool, the hot tub or the beach and carried on about their sun bathing. And my biggest critics, my parents, even told me I looked great and had nothing to worry about! Whew!
I was super anxious about being in a bikini in front of my dad.. because like it or not, I'm still his baby girl! But he took one look and chimed right in with the peanut gallery and stated himself that I looked great. High five Papa Page. :) It warmed my heart... as did the hot tub I quickly jumped in to avoid too much exposure!
I'm coming along in this journey of finding myself and my new self, and it's taken a lot of energy but somehow I feel like I've lost touch with too many people in the process. I'm not sure why that is, but it's not intentional and it's something I want to change. My heart hurts when I think about how long it's been since I've chatted with my best friend, Erin, to catch up until our next heart to heart. It pains me to think of how long it's been since Brookie and I have sat on the porch and talked until the wee hours of the morning about anything and everything. It saddens me how much the kids have grown since the last time I had a girls night with Lala and/or B. It devastates me that it's so hard to find time just to get together with Steph even if it's just for a wax/hair color. I hate to think that Kylie doesn't know every detail of my life like she should and that she can't be here to let me comfort her and vise versa during those hard days.
Then there are those that I talk to or see on a regular basis, who I still feel like I don't have that intimate closeness with that I once did. It's not because of them or me or anything really, it's just that we're growing up. I live a busy life and their schedules are just as demanding. There was a time when we could spend everyday at each others houses after school or on the weekends, but now they are filled with cleaning, paying bills and tending to families or just to ourselves.
People always say "when did we grow up and how do we make it stop?" but I'm not sure that's what I want. I don't want to stop growing up and learning as I go, and experiencing new things and gaining responsibility. What I do want is to appreciate each day and to make time for people as much as possible. I want to have that carefree spirit that I have had for most of my life but I realize that I have to let part of that go in order not to drown in the real world. It's hard finding a balance, but I guess that's just what life is all about.. finding balance. I should appreciate that I have only myself to tend to for now, but sometimes, especially recently, that proves to be a full time job in and of itself.
I will make every effort to update my weight progress ASAP, but my forgetful mind doesn't always help the cause ;)
I still continue to notice physical changes and that's what's most important! One of my very favorite things to do is try on clothes that used to be tight and toss them in the ever-growing pile of "things that are too big to keep wearing and need to be given away or taken to Goodwill." It's a fun game me, myself and I play. And I am eternally grateful that I am such a stingy shopper because I don't feel one bit guilty about the money I spent on those clothes - because no doubt they were picked from the clearance rack at an outlet store!
I hope you guys aren't too mad at me for not weighing in this Wednesday, but as you see, I have no shortage of words and thoughts on which to weigh in!
NMW,
<3
Also:
I finally figured out how to do side by side pictures of the ones I posted last week - yay!
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