WIW... thanksssss.

WIW.... still at a standstill. I have decided that I'm going to ask for a small un-fill at my next appointment. I think my band may be too tight, as I've gotten sick a bit more and without even realizing it, I've started turning to "slider" foods knowing that they'll go down easily. Crap. Didn't I pay attention in class?? I think I need a refresher.

Last night was kind of a wake-up call. As I finished baking my Pumpkin Gooey Bars, I decided it couldn't hurt to just try a little corner. Like 2x1. Well, apparently my band was mad at me for this. It didn't want to go down right away, so I thought, well.. I'll just help it along a little bit, I'm thirsty anyway.. how about a liiittle glass of milk. EHHHHHHHHHHHH. Bad idea. I immediately regretted this decision as I made my way to the porcelain throne, which, mind you, I keep very clean these days.. like I said, I've gotten sick a bit more. The only thing that came up (sorry for the gory det's) is the milk. Okay Lap Band, you've made your point. You win. You always do. No liquids for 30 minutes it is.

Hold the phone. It's Thanksgiving?? Already?? Seriously. This year has flown by. I remember joking last year about how we had 2 more mouths to feed since Jen & MB were preggo. Now the beautiful babies are here and this will be a Thanksgiving for the books! I am so excited to spend the holiday not only with my local relatives but then again with my relatives in Cary and those who came up from Jacksonville, FL! This is the first year we've all been together, and probably the first time we have all been together at one time since Mandy & Ian's wedding! How exciting!

You may be asking yourself "What the heck is Beck going to eat at this time of feasting and carrying on and making much ado about... FOOD?" Well, if you've figured out the answer to that, please let me know! I know that turkey will be too dry (no offense, Dad or Pat, it's not your cooking, it's the meat's fault!) to go down easily. I guess I could add some gravy, but I don't really like it all that much.. and why take up space when I could have all the other delicious trimmings?

I'm sure I'll fill my plate up regardless. I mean, come on, it's Thanksgiving! My eyes have been much bigger than my stomach for 8 months now, and even though I know "I can't eat all of that" it still makes me feel good when I have leftovers on my plate. Call me wasteful, but I bet dogs don't love you as much as they love me! I'm super excited about my aunt making my grandmother's dressing. I'm pretty sure she's the only one who knows how to do it and it holds a special place in my heart and tiny tummy.

And, I'll have you know, I am in charge of the green bean casserole this year. Heyyo! I guess after 24 years of not cooking anything, my time was up. I've enjoyed finding recipes and whipping things up a lottt more than I thought I would. But I've gotta be careful because I'm pretty sure I could eat Pumpkin Gooey Bars every day of my life and gain back all 65 pounds that I've lost! :P

I've been thinking about WIW for the past couple of days... and while I really want to thank Abraham Lincoln for allowing me to have the next two days off work, there are a lot of people I want to give thanks. I may have to bundle some of you, as there are so many conglomerations (I love fancy words.)

I am grateful for:

My Lap Band - okay, maybe you're not a person, but you're a part of me. You've made your home around my belly, and you make yourself quite prominent in my life everyday. Thank you for helping me to lose this weight and taking the weight of the world off of my shoulders and taking my hips, thighs, arms, belly, etc with you. I wouldn't be where I am today without you, LB! Even though you make me curse you sometimes, I'll never regret my decision. No matter what.

Mom & Dad - well, there aren't enough words or gifts in the world to thank you for everything you've done for me, with me and in support of me. You've carried me through thick & thin (literally. hahah) and never once doubted my ability to use my lap band as a tool and to conquer this ongoing weight issue. I am beyond blessed to have you as my parents, my life coaches, my guardians, and my saving graces. "Love you more" :)

Jen & Jay - my most favorite sister & BIL in the world. I couldn't have asked for better. Seriously. Between the wit, the humor and the sarcasm, we get along so well and it makes me realize how much you guys love me when you (both) get protective. I look forward to the day when I can bring a guy home for Thanksgiving and let him face the wrath of Jaybird. Until then, that sweet baby boy that you have perfected is my date! I am so grateful to have you guys as supporters and as my steadfast rock to lean on when times get hard and I just need a hug. Okay, maybe Jen more so for that.. but Jay for comic relief. I love you guys so much!

The Girls - (by this I mean Magan, Ash (BJ & W!), Holly, Andrea, Kelly, Kylie, Lindsey, Brooke etc) Thank you, each of you, for being such amazing best friends through all of this. Near or far, you've provided words of comfort, wisdom and encouragement which have meant more to me than you'll ever know. I may not say it enough, but I am so glad to have y'all in my life. Thank you for every compliment, every "you're doing awesome!" and every single laugh along the way. I love you girls!

The Farm Girls - (by this I mean Laura, Bahnie, Stephanie, Meredith, Katie, Annie, etc.) Thank you for being scared for me, and helping me to weigh my options before I made this drastic life change. I hope that you're proud of me, and I know that you are! Thank you for the girls nights and for listening to me cry when I just needed to get it out. For putting me in my place or cleaning up my broken glass. For making me laugh and for showing me that it is possible to overcome anything with enough strength. Alsooo, thank you La for all the meals & Lap Band-friendly cooking lessons :) I love y'all!

E & B - I put you two together because, well, you're independently my best friends and don't really fit into any of the above groups. You're the ones who know me inside & out whether that be good or bad, and whether or not I tell you whats going on in my life or not. You just have some kind of 6th Becky sense. You know when I need a bbm/text or a smile and you know when I'm at my wits end and just need to vent. You've seen me through some tough times and never faltered. Thank you for just being there. I love you guys!

The Carolina Girls - (Loryn, Jaclyn, Heidi, McKenzie, Marisa, Erica, and I'm adding Carol & Cameron to this group too!) You ladies are amazing! My sister couldn't ask for better best friends/relatives. I consider each of you to be an extension of our family and it warms my heart that you are all still so close. I look up to each of you probably more than you'd expect. You each serve as wonderful role models in your own way! I respect everything you guys have accomplished and it makes me proud to think that I'll someday be just as wonderful as a professional, a wife and a mother. You all mean so much to my sister, and thereby, so much to me! I love you all!

My extended family - whew, there are wayy too many of you to name. But you're all always there for me regardless of circumstance. You've helped me grow and you've helped me to face some of my demons. You've helped me in times of despair and held me when I've cried. You've helped to mold and shape me into the woman I am today and the woman I am still becoming everyday. I am so blessed to have each of you, and I love the fact that I have so much of both sides of the family in my personality! I love you!

My boys - Thank you for being there as amazing friends, since elementary school or post-college. Thank you for telling me how great I look, and for saying nice things about me behind my back! You'll never know how much I truly appreciate that you recognize my hard work and that it makes me feel wonderful when one of you says "You've always been pretty!" I heart you.

A-holes - Thank you for tearing me down and making me feel like crap for a reallyyy long time. You may not have done it directly to my face, but we both know the hurtful things you've said about me, and that's the sad part. You may have said or done something to me that you didn't even know hurt my feelings. But you weren't there to see the tears I cried into my pillow. You weren't there to clean up the pieces of my shattered, broken heart. But hear you me, I took all of that resentment and turned it into pride. I am proud of myself and who I've become and you'll never make me feel so small (errr.. big.) again. I don't hate you, because I'm not a hater. I hate that you belittle others mentally, physically and emotionally because you're going to do that for the rest of your life and there's not a fix for that. I hate that it took me so long to realize that I am above you. I hate that I can't help any of you because you're too far gone. Maybe someday. Regardless, I love you for building my strength.

NMW,

<3

PICTURESSSS! I found one from New Years 2009 at Laura's that I just had to use as a before picture! Oh-em-gee! And yes, Mom, that's a shotgun.... I'm sorry your baby has redneck tendencies. The other is from Kevin & Caroline's bday party, November 2010 :)

WIW returns :)

While I may still be busy, I have to take at least a moment to blog. I would be crazy not to, with Kelly and Ashley BJ coming over tonight.. I'd be scared of what they might do to me ;)

So, I went to my regular doctor's office this morning for somewhat of a well-check visit. "Well" is objective. I was highlyyy disappointed (almost to the point of tears) when I saw that the scale said 185. WTF? That scale liesss. Jk. It's probably more accurate than mine at home! But holy crap. That's depressing.

Which brings me back to my "well" visit. The reason for my visit was to discuss the things that have had me in such a funk lately. I started talking with the PA's co-pilot, the Taye Diggs look-a-like.. I hope I didn't blush too much.. and told him that I was pretty sure I had adult A.D.D. The result of our conversation? "Damn you, Web, M.D." [which he found hilarious.. I swooned..] for allowing me to self diagnose like that! He said he would go talk to Ryan but that he was pretty sure that what I was describing was anxiety. Oh.. yes... that sounds much more accurate.

I already take a baby dose of Lexapro, but it makes me super tired so I have to take it around 8pm and then I'm able to sleep really well.. but it also interferes with my function the next morning. I'm already NOT a morning person, so increasing the dosage of that did not sound like a good idea. However, they decided that adding Wellbutrin could help. So I'll start that tomorrow. I really hope it does because anxiety and depression don't look good on me.

I haven't felt like myself in a couple of months... and I feel like it's gotten to the point where people are starting to notice/treat me differently. I don't want it to get out of control, so I really hope this helps. I'm not sure why I've deemed this blog-appropriate, but I think I owe it to myself to document what's going on in these different stages/phases of my transformation. Like I said, it's not always rainbows & daisies!

I'm positive there's a correlation between my weight gain and anxiety, and it's kind of a rock & a hard place. While I know the things that make me feel better such as exercising and whatnot, are the things that will help me lose, the depression keeps me from being motivated to do such things. I'm not trying to blame anything on a disease, but it is definitely something that is bigger than me right now, and luckily, I have no shame when it comes for asking my doctors for help. That's what they're there for and that's why I pay for insurance!

It's always kind of a relief to find out that what I'm dealing with is "normal." Once I gave them the rundown of everything going on in my life (which.. sorry for the buzz kill.. I do not deem blog appropriate!) they started saying big words I was actually familiar with (spelling them, not so much) such as: kolonopin, xanax, etc. I wasn't completely comfortable with these options... I don't want anything that I could everrr get addicted to, and I don't want to be all drugged up and zombie-like, because that would be a far cry from the Becky we all know and love!

I've heard great things about Wellbutrin and I've done a little bit of googling, so I'm really hoping that this is the solution to the problem, for now anyway. I think this will get me back on the right track, and definitely help me to get back to that great place where I was when I thought things were "boring." Boy did I jinx myself with that!

I'm still making progress, don't get me wrong. I'm leaning on my family and close friends for support, and laying it all out for God to help me carry the load when I just don't feel like I can do it on my own anymore.

The Church Search as I lovingly call it, is still on. This Sunday I'm going to Hillsdale United Methodist, which I hope I will enjoy as much as the folks I know who go there. I'm excited for this opportunity, and grateful that so many people have given me so much guidance with this journey. And if there were 7 Sundays in a week, I'd try every single recommendation. :)

It's getting harder and harder for me to think of things to talk about in this blog, but I'm trying really hard to limit it to things that are going on within me, not around me. I could talk about work or crazy people or a million other things I can't change, but that's not what this is for, and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

I'm ready to nip this anxiety disorder in the bud once and for all, and although it's something I'm sure I'll have my whole life, at least I've gotten it reigned in. While weight loss is not something a lot of people can relate with me on, this is something that I know everyone suffers with from time to time, and maybe it happens for them as often as it does me, and talking to someone about it (in my case, my best friend who used to be on Wellbutrin and actually hoped I'd be prescribed it b/c it helped her so much) then talking to the doctor about it could help them as much as I hope it helps me.

That said, I have to be grateful for all of the amazing things going on in my life.

I cannot get over how amazingly precious and ridiculously wonderful my nephew is. His smile may or may not have the ability to cure cancer... I'm just sayin. I have never heard a sound so sweet as his breath in my ear when he falls asleep on my shoulder. It breaks my heart when he cries because his teeth are trying to hard to cut, but it makes me feel so good when I'm able to sooth him or see my sister calm him. I'm in awe of the relationship we have in just 5 short months and utterly amazed at how much his parents love him. Not to mention his grandparents, aunts & uncles :)

If you haven't noticed, I love having things to look forward to. For example, tonight a couple of the girls are coming over for dinner (I'm cooking! Seriously.) and facials. This is exactly the kind of thing that gets me through the day! Friday night I'm going to see Alan Jackson and the Band Perry which I'm also really excited about because concerts are always fun and I'm sure it will be a great show, and good end-of-week tension reliever! And I'm reallyy excited about trying another church on Sunday.

Next week cannot get here soon enough, though. Two of my best friends who live entirely too far away will be coming home for Thanksgiving and this makes my heart soo happy! I have miss Kylie and Erin so much. E-mails and texts, while sufficient, just don't have the same result as face to face heart to hearts.

Plus we'll have our traditional Thanksgiving with the Dinkins which is always my favorite, then head to Cary to visit with the McGehee's including the Floridian McGehees! The first time this has happened, and hopefully the first of many! It will be so amazing to have 3 generations together and how awesome to have both Natalie and Graham there for our adoring pleasure!

This Holiday season will be an adjustment for me, having the Lap Band! This time last year, I knew I would have one a year from then, so I took full advantage of the delicious feasts. This year, I'll feast in moderation, but I'm so looking forward to caring less about the food, and more about the family, comradery and reason for the season!

NMW,

<3

WIM on a whim!

I never realized how cathartic this blog is until I went 2 weeks without posting anything due to the busy nature of my work/life/time. I spent most every lunch break/spare minute working during the last 2 weeks. Whew. My mind and heart are overflowing with things that I need to get off my chest and make some sense of... whether or not that happens is up to the keyboard.

So the last 2 weeks have been.... stressful. Over 1200 people came in to apply or inquire about energy assistance, which is awesome. Most of them were easy to deal with, but of course there were a few thorns. The ladies I supervise have been so much fun though, what a great group! I just can't help but be so grateful that they were so easy to work with and never complained about the workload. Any frustration was relieved by a heavy sigh and "I'm ready for the next one!" we laughed a lot during our slow times, and that made the whole process so much more fun.

As for my weight loss, well, it's kind of taken a back burner as I've been so preoccupied. None the less, it is still at a standstill. I can't get over the dang 180 hump :( And I know this is because I haven't been working out as regularly, and I really want to change that, but I definitely need a swift kick in the butt and a gym partner! I hate the thought of going by myself to the Y, but I guess at some point, I've really gotta put on my big girl workout pants, and just do it. It sounds stupid everytime I say that I don't want to go by myself, but whatever. That's just me. I like going with people who motivate me and who I can motivate in return! Call me dependent, but I just like the company.

I don't even know where to begin as to where my mind is right now. It's in a million different places. I've been really sad/upset since our family cat Daisy (age 17) died Saturday night. This isn't something I thought would affect me as much as it has. But I think Erin pinned it when she said that losing Daisy is bringing out emotions about other parts of my life that I'm not ready to deal with. If you know me at all you know I hate change. I can't stand it. It's my enemy. Granted, I've gone through more change in the past 6 months than anyone I know, but those were changes that were up to me, in my control, and for the better.

I'm not a control freak by any means, but I much prefer to stand on steady ground than to feel like the rug has been ripped from beneath me. I guess that's kind of where I feel like I am right now. I'm in a weird place. I'm not sad, I'm not exuberantly happy, I'm just... stuck. I'm in a rut. I need to get back to reading my book "Get Out of that Pit" but, as luck would have it, I have no leisure time. That is something I miss. I knew I'd eat my words when I said I was ready to be busy.. I just need better time management skills so I can remember to have some "me" time every once in a while.

I've not done much self reflection lately, and I think that's another reason I'm feeling a bit angsty. I've been so wrapped up in work, worrying about everything going on with everyone else, and events that I've forgotten to just sit back and ask myself how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, and what's got me so in a tizzy?

I can't say that I'm not happy, because I really truly am! I love my life. It's amazing. But somethings just not clicking right now. It's almost as though I've lost touch briefly of who I am and I've gotten swept up in this whirlwind of go - go - go that I've barely had time to breathe much less be appreciative of all of those around me and let them know that, as I usually would.

I said I don't like change, but when it's for the better, and kind of within my control, I do. A month or so ago I could've sworn up and down I didn't need a guy to make me feel better about myself. That's because I hadn't met the right kind of guy. Someone who gets my sense of humor, who has a good head on his shoulders, and even though he may not live right down the street, or even in this state (okay, across the country), wishes he could be with me to cuddle and likes me for me, not for how I can benefit him. Someone who cares about me as much as I care about them. I may or may not have found a good one, and although I was quite resistant at first, I think my walls are slowly coming down. :)

Aaaand back to the bad change. I must say that I am kind of feeling lonely in my busy-ness. Maybe it's because the people I want to see so badly live so far away (okay, maybe Greenville is not that far, but it feels like another continent when it's been so many months since I've seen my E.) and the ones who I love to hang out with here feel so distant. There seems to have been a shift. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's because I've been so busy that I've had to decline plans or slept through them.

I've cried about it a lot, but prayed about it more. I feel like when I do have spare time, I'm hanging out with my family as much as I can, which is what I want to do, but it leaves little time for being as freely available as I once was. It sucks, because I want to be able to go do things last minute, and be as spontaneous as I once was, because that's just what I'm supposed to be able to do at this stage of my life! And, I will, I just have to learn how to manage my time better. It's all a learning process, and I can't let myself get so drained so easily.

I feel like, once again, I'm mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etcetera-lly exhausted. I need a good recharing and I just need to keep getting things off my chest here. What I really need is a heart to heart. I'm feigning for some psychoanalysis.

And I really hope my weight loss starts back up again soon, as well as my exercise regimen. I don't know why I'm in this slump of not wanting to do anything, because I really do feel so much better when I'm working out - plus it helps me lose. I know all of us have dealt with depression in our own form, and winter is always the hardest season, but for me it feels like this is going to be one of the hardest!

What I do know is that that Holidays are coming, which means lotsss of time with family and friends! And short breaks from work... what more could I ask for? Unless it were Bob or Jillian to come be my live-in life coach. Just until I reach my goal. Not so much to ask...!

I feel a little bit better after this womp-womp post. And I promise I'm keeping my chin up, I just needed to get all this out and quit feeling sorry for myself and keeping it all in.

I still love me, and I still love you!

NMW,

<3