WIM on a whim!

I never realized how cathartic this blog is until I went 2 weeks without posting anything due to the busy nature of my work/life/time. I spent most every lunch break/spare minute working during the last 2 weeks. Whew. My mind and heart are overflowing with things that I need to get off my chest and make some sense of... whether or not that happens is up to the keyboard.

So the last 2 weeks have been.... stressful. Over 1200 people came in to apply or inquire about energy assistance, which is awesome. Most of them were easy to deal with, but of course there were a few thorns. The ladies I supervise have been so much fun though, what a great group! I just can't help but be so grateful that they were so easy to work with and never complained about the workload. Any frustration was relieved by a heavy sigh and "I'm ready for the next one!" we laughed a lot during our slow times, and that made the whole process so much more fun.

As for my weight loss, well, it's kind of taken a back burner as I've been so preoccupied. None the less, it is still at a standstill. I can't get over the dang 180 hump :( And I know this is because I haven't been working out as regularly, and I really want to change that, but I definitely need a swift kick in the butt and a gym partner! I hate the thought of going by myself to the Y, but I guess at some point, I've really gotta put on my big girl workout pants, and just do it. It sounds stupid everytime I say that I don't want to go by myself, but whatever. That's just me. I like going with people who motivate me and who I can motivate in return! Call me dependent, but I just like the company.

I don't even know where to begin as to where my mind is right now. It's in a million different places. I've been really sad/upset since our family cat Daisy (age 17) died Saturday night. This isn't something I thought would affect me as much as it has. But I think Erin pinned it when she said that losing Daisy is bringing out emotions about other parts of my life that I'm not ready to deal with. If you know me at all you know I hate change. I can't stand it. It's my enemy. Granted, I've gone through more change in the past 6 months than anyone I know, but those were changes that were up to me, in my control, and for the better.

I'm not a control freak by any means, but I much prefer to stand on steady ground than to feel like the rug has been ripped from beneath me. I guess that's kind of where I feel like I am right now. I'm in a weird place. I'm not sad, I'm not exuberantly happy, I'm just... stuck. I'm in a rut. I need to get back to reading my book "Get Out of that Pit" but, as luck would have it, I have no leisure time. That is something I miss. I knew I'd eat my words when I said I was ready to be busy.. I just need better time management skills so I can remember to have some "me" time every once in a while.

I've not done much self reflection lately, and I think that's another reason I'm feeling a bit angsty. I've been so wrapped up in work, worrying about everything going on with everyone else, and events that I've forgotten to just sit back and ask myself how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, and what's got me so in a tizzy?

I can't say that I'm not happy, because I really truly am! I love my life. It's amazing. But somethings just not clicking right now. It's almost as though I've lost touch briefly of who I am and I've gotten swept up in this whirlwind of go - go - go that I've barely had time to breathe much less be appreciative of all of those around me and let them know that, as I usually would.

I said I don't like change, but when it's for the better, and kind of within my control, I do. A month or so ago I could've sworn up and down I didn't need a guy to make me feel better about myself. That's because I hadn't met the right kind of guy. Someone who gets my sense of humor, who has a good head on his shoulders, and even though he may not live right down the street, or even in this state (okay, across the country), wishes he could be with me to cuddle and likes me for me, not for how I can benefit him. Someone who cares about me as much as I care about them. I may or may not have found a good one, and although I was quite resistant at first, I think my walls are slowly coming down. :)

Aaaand back to the bad change. I must say that I am kind of feeling lonely in my busy-ness. Maybe it's because the people I want to see so badly live so far away (okay, maybe Greenville is not that far, but it feels like another continent when it's been so many months since I've seen my E.) and the ones who I love to hang out with here feel so distant. There seems to have been a shift. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's because I've been so busy that I've had to decline plans or slept through them.

I've cried about it a lot, but prayed about it more. I feel like when I do have spare time, I'm hanging out with my family as much as I can, which is what I want to do, but it leaves little time for being as freely available as I once was. It sucks, because I want to be able to go do things last minute, and be as spontaneous as I once was, because that's just what I'm supposed to be able to do at this stage of my life! And, I will, I just have to learn how to manage my time better. It's all a learning process, and I can't let myself get so drained so easily.

I feel like, once again, I'm mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etcetera-lly exhausted. I need a good recharing and I just need to keep getting things off my chest here. What I really need is a heart to heart. I'm feigning for some psychoanalysis.

And I really hope my weight loss starts back up again soon, as well as my exercise regimen. I don't know why I'm in this slump of not wanting to do anything, because I really do feel so much better when I'm working out - plus it helps me lose. I know all of us have dealt with depression in our own form, and winter is always the hardest season, but for me it feels like this is going to be one of the hardest!

What I do know is that that Holidays are coming, which means lotsss of time with family and friends! And short breaks from work... what more could I ask for? Unless it were Bob or Jillian to come be my live-in life coach. Just until I reach my goal. Not so much to ask...!

I feel a little bit better after this womp-womp post. And I promise I'm keeping my chin up, I just needed to get all this out and quit feeling sorry for myself and keeping it all in.

I still love me, and I still love you!

NMW,

<3