WIW returns :)

While I may still be busy, I have to take at least a moment to blog. I would be crazy not to, with Kelly and Ashley BJ coming over tonight.. I'd be scared of what they might do to me ;)

So, I went to my regular doctor's office this morning for somewhat of a well-check visit. "Well" is objective. I was highlyyy disappointed (almost to the point of tears) when I saw that the scale said 185. WTF? That scale liesss. Jk. It's probably more accurate than mine at home! But holy crap. That's depressing.

Which brings me back to my "well" visit. The reason for my visit was to discuss the things that have had me in such a funk lately. I started talking with the PA's co-pilot, the Taye Diggs look-a-like.. I hope I didn't blush too much.. and told him that I was pretty sure I had adult A.D.D. The result of our conversation? "Damn you, Web, M.D." [which he found hilarious.. I swooned..] for allowing me to self diagnose like that! He said he would go talk to Ryan but that he was pretty sure that what I was describing was anxiety. Oh.. yes... that sounds much more accurate.

I already take a baby dose of Lexapro, but it makes me super tired so I have to take it around 8pm and then I'm able to sleep really well.. but it also interferes with my function the next morning. I'm already NOT a morning person, so increasing the dosage of that did not sound like a good idea. However, they decided that adding Wellbutrin could help. So I'll start that tomorrow. I really hope it does because anxiety and depression don't look good on me.

I haven't felt like myself in a couple of months... and I feel like it's gotten to the point where people are starting to notice/treat me differently. I don't want it to get out of control, so I really hope this helps. I'm not sure why I've deemed this blog-appropriate, but I think I owe it to myself to document what's going on in these different stages/phases of my transformation. Like I said, it's not always rainbows & daisies!

I'm positive there's a correlation between my weight gain and anxiety, and it's kind of a rock & a hard place. While I know the things that make me feel better such as exercising and whatnot, are the things that will help me lose, the depression keeps me from being motivated to do such things. I'm not trying to blame anything on a disease, but it is definitely something that is bigger than me right now, and luckily, I have no shame when it comes for asking my doctors for help. That's what they're there for and that's why I pay for insurance!

It's always kind of a relief to find out that what I'm dealing with is "normal." Once I gave them the rundown of everything going on in my life (which.. sorry for the buzz kill.. I do not deem blog appropriate!) they started saying big words I was actually familiar with (spelling them, not so much) such as: kolonopin, xanax, etc. I wasn't completely comfortable with these options... I don't want anything that I could everrr get addicted to, and I don't want to be all drugged up and zombie-like, because that would be a far cry from the Becky we all know and love!

I've heard great things about Wellbutrin and I've done a little bit of googling, so I'm really hoping that this is the solution to the problem, for now anyway. I think this will get me back on the right track, and definitely help me to get back to that great place where I was when I thought things were "boring." Boy did I jinx myself with that!

I'm still making progress, don't get me wrong. I'm leaning on my family and close friends for support, and laying it all out for God to help me carry the load when I just don't feel like I can do it on my own anymore.

The Church Search as I lovingly call it, is still on. This Sunday I'm going to Hillsdale United Methodist, which I hope I will enjoy as much as the folks I know who go there. I'm excited for this opportunity, and grateful that so many people have given me so much guidance with this journey. And if there were 7 Sundays in a week, I'd try every single recommendation. :)

It's getting harder and harder for me to think of things to talk about in this blog, but I'm trying really hard to limit it to things that are going on within me, not around me. I could talk about work or crazy people or a million other things I can't change, but that's not what this is for, and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

I'm ready to nip this anxiety disorder in the bud once and for all, and although it's something I'm sure I'll have my whole life, at least I've gotten it reigned in. While weight loss is not something a lot of people can relate with me on, this is something that I know everyone suffers with from time to time, and maybe it happens for them as often as it does me, and talking to someone about it (in my case, my best friend who used to be on Wellbutrin and actually hoped I'd be prescribed it b/c it helped her so much) then talking to the doctor about it could help them as much as I hope it helps me.

That said, I have to be grateful for all of the amazing things going on in my life.

I cannot get over how amazingly precious and ridiculously wonderful my nephew is. His smile may or may not have the ability to cure cancer... I'm just sayin. I have never heard a sound so sweet as his breath in my ear when he falls asleep on my shoulder. It breaks my heart when he cries because his teeth are trying to hard to cut, but it makes me feel so good when I'm able to sooth him or see my sister calm him. I'm in awe of the relationship we have in just 5 short months and utterly amazed at how much his parents love him. Not to mention his grandparents, aunts & uncles :)

If you haven't noticed, I love having things to look forward to. For example, tonight a couple of the girls are coming over for dinner (I'm cooking! Seriously.) and facials. This is exactly the kind of thing that gets me through the day! Friday night I'm going to see Alan Jackson and the Band Perry which I'm also really excited about because concerts are always fun and I'm sure it will be a great show, and good end-of-week tension reliever! And I'm reallyy excited about trying another church on Sunday.

Next week cannot get here soon enough, though. Two of my best friends who live entirely too far away will be coming home for Thanksgiving and this makes my heart soo happy! I have miss Kylie and Erin so much. E-mails and texts, while sufficient, just don't have the same result as face to face heart to hearts.

Plus we'll have our traditional Thanksgiving with the Dinkins which is always my favorite, then head to Cary to visit with the McGehee's including the Floridian McGehees! The first time this has happened, and hopefully the first of many! It will be so amazing to have 3 generations together and how awesome to have both Natalie and Graham there for our adoring pleasure!

This Holiday season will be an adjustment for me, having the Lap Band! This time last year, I knew I would have one a year from then, so I took full advantage of the delicious feasts. This year, I'll feast in moderation, but I'm so looking forward to caring less about the food, and more about the family, comradery and reason for the season!

NMW,

<3