Today marks 1 year since my life changing Lap-Band surgery.
Wow!
Today I am 171 pounds.
Today, 1 year out, I am 6 pounds away from my 2-3 year goal fo 165.
Today I'm 74 pounds lighter than I was at my heaviest weight.
Today I'm proud of me. I look a heck of a lot better than I used to, but more importantly, I feel a lot better than I used to.
Today I feel more free, I feel less weighed down in so many ways.
Today I feel loved and I love me and I love the person I'm becoming with every day and every pound.
I definitely feel like this transformation has been one of the best of my life. The transformations I made from birth - adulthood, while great, were not nearly as drastic or quick. I feel like this year has gone by in a blink. It's definitely been a whirlwind. I'll be honest, a year ago, I was scared I'd never reach my goal weight. I was scared I'd be one of the few people who the band just does NOT work for. I'm a lucky, lucky girl in that it has worked well beyond my favor. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, of course I was. I put on a brave face and I let my excitment mask every bit of that, and it worked. Thank God, it worked. I would have never gone through with such a procedure if I weren't so optimistic in nature.
365 days, many follow-up appts, 3 fills, support group meetings, and a zillion text messages to my support system later... I can still honestly say this was the best decision I ever made. I can't begin to describe the joy it brings me to know that I will never be back in the place where I was a year ago, or a year and a half ago. I was miserable, and although surrounded by people, I was always alone in my misery. It was a never ending pit of depression and self loathing. How's that for uplifting??
But honestly, I've made a transformation within myself that I never deemed possible, simply because I was so deep in. I love myself now more than I think anyone could possibly love me, except ya know.. Jesus, with my parents/sister not far behind. I like looking in the mirror... I wouldn't say I love it per se.. but I definitely don't despise it like I used to. I love taking pictures/being in pictures/looking at pictures in a way that I never did before. I told myself in my letter to myself to take lots of pictures, feel good in those pictures. I most definitely have and I will continue to do so.
I don't cry nearlyyy as much as I used to. I used to cry at the drop of a hat, simply because I internalized everything. I'm not kidding - everything. Someone could look at me wrong and I would think that they must be judging me, heck, they may have been. Now when people give me a once over I think, oh, I bet they like this outfit ;) I have a muchhh more positive attitude towards everything in general. Sure I still internalize some big or even little things, but I really don't feel like I'm worthy of being judged anymore - I'm pretty close to "normal."
To have lost 5 dress sizes in a year is just crazy to me, and by far my favorite accomplishment to date! Being as short as I am, sizes are not as gracious as they could be to begin with. Oh well... I look forward to shedding a few more in the future!
The future is something I definitely look forward to. I know I've said the same thing a lot of different ways for the past year, but I hope that my transformation has been somewhat evident. I really haven't had the time to go back and read all of these entries, but I know in my heart that things have changed within me and outside of me for the best. The song, "She's a Butterfly" by Martina McBride has always been special to me, as I lovee butterflies becauase they remind me of my Granna. It didn't occur to me until I ran across the song today, how truly meaningful it was. It's the perfect metaphor for this journey.. although I haven't made my complete transformation, I definitely feel like I'm less of a catipillar and definitely coming out of my cocoon. These words describe it like I can't:
She's a butterfly, pretty as the crimson sky
Nothing's ever gonna bring her down
And everywhere she goes
Everybody knows she's so glad to be alive
She's a butterfly
Like the purest light in a darkened world
So much hope inside such a lovely girl
You should see her fly, it's almost magical
It makes you wanna cry, she's so beautiful
God bless the butterfly,
give her the strength to fly
Never let her wings touch the ground.
I know I'm not done, and I am grateful that I have this Lap Band for the rest of my life, but this is definitely a milestone. I will celebrate like a rockstar when I reach my first goal, and hopefully soon. But right now I'm celebrating the fact that I have been so strong for an entire year. It's been one of the hardest years of my life, but most certainly, the best.
I hope I have said thank you to those of you who have helped carry me through this, enough times for it to sink in. I hope that you realize that the little things you do are more than appreciated, they're needed. Your love and inspiration is my kryptonite and there is absolutely no way that I would have made it this far this quickly without each and every one of you.
Thank you to those who, a year ago, sent flowers, balloons, texts, facebook messages, phone calls, and prayers my way. Thank you to you for messaging me to tell me about your journey with your weight, God or relationships in general. Thank you for listening to me cry. Thank you for making me laugh until it hurts. Thank you for the compliments a plenty. Thank you for motivating me. Thank you for picking me up when I was down or allowing me to crumble when I needed to. Thank you for not judging me when I went against my word. Thank you for making special meal plans for me. Thank you for incessantly asking if I'm able to eat something. Thank you for caring. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being you. And thank you for helping me love me.
NMW,
<3
I spent way too much time making a video/slideshow but umm... it's not uploading :( So, no pictures yet, but I will figure out how to save it and put it on here!... if anyone has any idea how to make this happen, let me know! (Simply uploading it from my computer is just not working and it's too big to attach to an e-mail..)
March 23, 2010 my life changed in an amazing way. This is my Lap-Band (weight loss surgery) experience from start to present...
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
"Feel what you feel as long as it's real."
Whew, it feels like it's been an eternity since I've written WIW but it's only been two weeks... I took a hiatus last week because I was just super busy. Not that I'm not now, but I don't want to get too far off track!
There was one day last week that I weighed 173... but this morning it was 174 so I'm not going to toot my horn just yet! I must say though, that I feel like I've lost... you know how some mornings you wake up and you don't mind looking in the mirror so much? Yep, one of those.. but this week rather than just feeling that way in the mornings... it lasts all day long.
In trying to find motivation to write this entry (as I feel soo repetative, and after so long.. what more is there to say that I haven't already said?) I went back and read my post from this day last year. From that I found this excerpt that really got the wheels turning, full speed:
"I'm going to use this to my full advantage and try my damndest not to take it for granted. I have so much to literally lose :) and so much to gain in the process."
I feel like I can honestly say I have accomplished this goal. I have worked hard to creat harmony amongst my eating habits and my Lap-Band. I think we've got a good thing goin. Granted, I've gotten sick a hand full of times... but it's just one of those things that doesn't really bother me like I thought it would. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely hate getting sick and throwing up in general, but rather than get mad at myself for eating too quickly or too much, I heed it as a warning and I slow down, I watch what I eat more carefully and I definitely take wayy longer to eat than I used to. You never realize how harmful your actions are until you've changed them and reflected upon them.
I still don't think I was an out of control binge eater or anything, but I definitely recognize the fact that I made poor decisions and ate faster, making me hungry more often, and more likely to succumb to my cravings like crazy before I had the band. These days I do sometimes succumb to cravings, but definitely in moderation. Do I think I could have accomplished this new style of eating without the band? Sure, for a short period of time. Would it have lasted a year, and for the rest of my life? Absolutely not.
It pains me to hear of people who have had this surgery and haven't had the kind of success myself and others I know (Molly, that's you!) have. Maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks, and you can lead a horse to water.. but I just can't really comprehend not having amazing results from this surgery. Granted, there are definitely ways to eat "around" the band and there are always opportunities to push limits and see how much of something you can eat before you're just gut wrenchingly sick or having PB's (productive burps. gross. I don't refer to those often b/c just the term makes me nauseous.) but why would you want to?
As of last month it's been a year since I've had a coke, pepsi, mt. dew, dr pepper, bud light, cheerwine, sunkist or champagne. I attempted to give them up in the past, to no avail. I honestly don't think I would even like the taste of it if I tried (which I won't, that'd be stupid) to drink something carbonated. Case in point: I once accidentally picked up my friend's drink at lunch, took a swig and ran to the bathroom to spit the Pepsi out. Soda was my guilty pleasure for 25 longgg years. Just knowing that it could cause me physical pain was and is enough to deter me from ever drinking one again. I'm not one for self inflicted pain.
That said, I think that I have definitely used this band to my full advantage. My gosh, I'm practically 90% of the way to my first goal weight, in one year. That's definitely way more than I could've ever hoped for. Unrealistically I thought I could be under my goal weight by Andrea's wedding in May, but realistically, that's just silly! I'll be ecstatic when I make it to 165, whenever that may be. I may throw myself a party. Seriously. And you better be there!
Here I go with my redudancy, but... I really don't think I could have gotten this far without the love and support of my family, my best friends, and the social network of friends I have gained in the past year. I never ever thought I would touch more than a few lives.. and those being of my nearest and dearest at best. But people have conacted me, encouraged me, helped push me, and said some of the sweetest things I've ever heard without even knowing me. It's honestly one of the best feelings in the world to hear that people can see how far you've come without having known you before.
One of my coworkers unknowingly made my day last week. She said to a mutual friend/co-worker, "Have you seen skinny minny??" And said co-worker asked, "Who?" She replied, "BECKY!" (I had just passed her walking off the elevator the day before.) Me oh my, I was on cloud 9 after that. Never have I ever heard my name and skinny in the same sentence. Honestly. Not that I think I am skinny by any means, and I never expect to be.. but holy crap, for someone else to think/say that. A couple of days later one of the Medicaid supervisors who I haven't seen since August I guess, passed me in the hallway and said hey, then did a double-take and said, Look at you!!! These are the little things that stick with me, and now that I'm documenting them, they will always remind me of how exciting this time is :)
Last week we celebrated my Dad's 62nd (sorry dad!) birthday. This was a unique milestone, as my grandfather passed two days before his 62nd, either 2 or 3 years before I was born. It occurred to me that I don't talk about my dad enough in this blog. Maybe because I knew that as soon as I started typing this, I'd get a knot in my throat. He has that effect on me. I love my Dad more than words. He's my rock. He's my safety net. He's my bear hug when I've gone through any kind of horrible incident. He's the only one who remembers that I need my car inspected, an oil change, or drives it just to ensure that it's running smoothly. He's the reason I change the A/C unit filters on regular basis. He's the reason I want to be the best daughter, sister, aunt, and someday wife and mother in the world. He's one of the main reasons I want to be the best Becky I can be.
Knowing how proud my dad is of me for making as much progress as I have so far, and hearing him say, "you're lookin slim!" in passing, makes this whole ordeal worth the effort. He lays down his life for me on a regular basis, and drops everything just to make sure that I'm okay. My whole life he worried about my weight, to the point of straining our relationship. It's a non-issue these days. Any discussion we have about my weight is in a positive light or incessantly asking if something is ok for me to eat ;) I never thought that my weight would be a source of pride for my dad.. but once again, I've proven myself wrong. Just another "I can't" turned into an "I am/did."
But just the same, I am incredibly proud of my dad. At 62 I never could've imagined he'd be running 5k's and around their neighborhood or at Tanglewood on a whim. He amazes me! I wish I had the motivation that he does sometimes, just a little sliver of it would be nice. I guess to some extent I do get that honest, and I use it to my advantage when I want to, but I can get a little lazy sometimes! I'm not complaining about the personality traits I definitely inherited from him, though. A lot of my sense of humor is similar to my dad's, I definitley have his quick/sometimes cheesy wit and I often find my own jokes funny.. maybe more than others. I love having the ability to laugh at myself, but be serious when need be. I love that I have a perfect combination of both of my parents, I guess because they are practically one in the same themselves!
I think I'd rather talk about other people than myself.... I get bored talking about me, me, me all the time! Next week is my 1 year bandiversary!!! Wow! I will definitely be re-reading my letter to the editor and letter to the mid-point editor, and writing myself a 1 year post op letter to the editor, just incase you haven't picked up on my predictability yet ;) I'm really excited about reflecting on all of my accomplishments!
I've come a longgg way!
NMW,
<3
PS:
I realize I don't post enough pictures... soooo.... I took it upon myself to make another before/current picture, side by side. The green dress ones are from Jamie's wedding (that I referred to in my last post I believe) from July 2009, the weekend after my first appointment with the endocrinologist where I was diagnosed with PCOS and prescribed metformin. I'm glad those days are over... but I'm grateful for these pictures as they were taken at my highest peak! I just wish I could get a do-over ;) The one in the middle is from this past weekend at Andrea's bachelorette party in Charlotte! I look forward to having a better bridesmaid experience in May and I am so excited for her and Kevin! Not to mention the fact that they will be moving closer to home soon!
There was one day last week that I weighed 173... but this morning it was 174 so I'm not going to toot my horn just yet! I must say though, that I feel like I've lost... you know how some mornings you wake up and you don't mind looking in the mirror so much? Yep, one of those.. but this week rather than just feeling that way in the mornings... it lasts all day long.
In trying to find motivation to write this entry (as I feel soo repetative, and after so long.. what more is there to say that I haven't already said?) I went back and read my post from this day last year. From that I found this excerpt that really got the wheels turning, full speed:
"I'm going to use this to my full advantage and try my damndest not to take it for granted. I have so much to literally lose :) and so much to gain in the process."
I feel like I can honestly say I have accomplished this goal. I have worked hard to creat harmony amongst my eating habits and my Lap-Band. I think we've got a good thing goin. Granted, I've gotten sick a hand full of times... but it's just one of those things that doesn't really bother me like I thought it would. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely hate getting sick and throwing up in general, but rather than get mad at myself for eating too quickly or too much, I heed it as a warning and I slow down, I watch what I eat more carefully and I definitely take wayy longer to eat than I used to. You never realize how harmful your actions are until you've changed them and reflected upon them.
I still don't think I was an out of control binge eater or anything, but I definitely recognize the fact that I made poor decisions and ate faster, making me hungry more often, and more likely to succumb to my cravings like crazy before I had the band. These days I do sometimes succumb to cravings, but definitely in moderation. Do I think I could have accomplished this new style of eating without the band? Sure, for a short period of time. Would it have lasted a year, and for the rest of my life? Absolutely not.
It pains me to hear of people who have had this surgery and haven't had the kind of success myself and others I know (Molly, that's you!) have. Maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks, and you can lead a horse to water.. but I just can't really comprehend not having amazing results from this surgery. Granted, there are definitely ways to eat "around" the band and there are always opportunities to push limits and see how much of something you can eat before you're just gut wrenchingly sick or having PB's (productive burps. gross. I don't refer to those often b/c just the term makes me nauseous.) but why would you want to?
As of last month it's been a year since I've had a coke, pepsi, mt. dew, dr pepper, bud light, cheerwine, sunkist or champagne. I attempted to give them up in the past, to no avail. I honestly don't think I would even like the taste of it if I tried (which I won't, that'd be stupid) to drink something carbonated. Case in point: I once accidentally picked up my friend's drink at lunch, took a swig and ran to the bathroom to spit the Pepsi out. Soda was my guilty pleasure for 25 longgg years. Just knowing that it could cause me physical pain was and is enough to deter me from ever drinking one again. I'm not one for self inflicted pain.
That said, I think that I have definitely used this band to my full advantage. My gosh, I'm practically 90% of the way to my first goal weight, in one year. That's definitely way more than I could've ever hoped for. Unrealistically I thought I could be under my goal weight by Andrea's wedding in May, but realistically, that's just silly! I'll be ecstatic when I make it to 165, whenever that may be. I may throw myself a party. Seriously. And you better be there!
Here I go with my redudancy, but... I really don't think I could have gotten this far without the love and support of my family, my best friends, and the social network of friends I have gained in the past year. I never ever thought I would touch more than a few lives.. and those being of my nearest and dearest at best. But people have conacted me, encouraged me, helped push me, and said some of the sweetest things I've ever heard without even knowing me. It's honestly one of the best feelings in the world to hear that people can see how far you've come without having known you before.
One of my coworkers unknowingly made my day last week. She said to a mutual friend/co-worker, "Have you seen skinny minny??" And said co-worker asked, "Who?" She replied, "BECKY!" (I had just passed her walking off the elevator the day before.) Me oh my, I was on cloud 9 after that. Never have I ever heard my name and skinny in the same sentence. Honestly. Not that I think I am skinny by any means, and I never expect to be.. but holy crap, for someone else to think/say that. A couple of days later one of the Medicaid supervisors who I haven't seen since August I guess, passed me in the hallway and said hey, then did a double-take and said, Look at you!!! These are the little things that stick with me, and now that I'm documenting them, they will always remind me of how exciting this time is :)
Last week we celebrated my Dad's 62nd (sorry dad!) birthday. This was a unique milestone, as my grandfather passed two days before his 62nd, either 2 or 3 years before I was born. It occurred to me that I don't talk about my dad enough in this blog. Maybe because I knew that as soon as I started typing this, I'd get a knot in my throat. He has that effect on me. I love my Dad more than words. He's my rock. He's my safety net. He's my bear hug when I've gone through any kind of horrible incident. He's the only one who remembers that I need my car inspected, an oil change, or drives it just to ensure that it's running smoothly. He's the reason I change the A/C unit filters on regular basis. He's the reason I want to be the best daughter, sister, aunt, and someday wife and mother in the world. He's one of the main reasons I want to be the best Becky I can be.
Knowing how proud my dad is of me for making as much progress as I have so far, and hearing him say, "you're lookin slim!" in passing, makes this whole ordeal worth the effort. He lays down his life for me on a regular basis, and drops everything just to make sure that I'm okay. My whole life he worried about my weight, to the point of straining our relationship. It's a non-issue these days. Any discussion we have about my weight is in a positive light or incessantly asking if something is ok for me to eat ;) I never thought that my weight would be a source of pride for my dad.. but once again, I've proven myself wrong. Just another "I can't" turned into an "I am/did."
But just the same, I am incredibly proud of my dad. At 62 I never could've imagined he'd be running 5k's and around their neighborhood or at Tanglewood on a whim. He amazes me! I wish I had the motivation that he does sometimes, just a little sliver of it would be nice. I guess to some extent I do get that honest, and I use it to my advantage when I want to, but I can get a little lazy sometimes! I'm not complaining about the personality traits I definitely inherited from him, though. A lot of my sense of humor is similar to my dad's, I definitley have his quick/sometimes cheesy wit and I often find my own jokes funny.. maybe more than others. I love having the ability to laugh at myself, but be serious when need be. I love that I have a perfect combination of both of my parents, I guess because they are practically one in the same themselves!
I think I'd rather talk about other people than myself.... I get bored talking about me, me, me all the time! Next week is my 1 year bandiversary!!! Wow! I will definitely be re-reading my letter to the editor and letter to the mid-point editor, and writing myself a 1 year post op letter to the editor, just incase you haven't picked up on my predictability yet ;) I'm really excited about reflecting on all of my accomplishments!
I've come a longgg way!
NMW,
<3
PS:
I realize I don't post enough pictures... soooo.... I took it upon myself to make another before/current picture, side by side. The green dress ones are from Jamie's wedding (that I referred to in my last post I believe) from July 2009, the weekend after my first appointment with the endocrinologist where I was diagnosed with PCOS and prescribed metformin. I'm glad those days are over... but I'm grateful for these pictures as they were taken at my highest peak! I just wish I could get a do-over ;) The one in the middle is from this past weekend at Andrea's bachelorette party in Charlotte! I look forward to having a better bridesmaid experience in May and I am so excited for her and Kevin! Not to mention the fact that they will be moving closer to home soon!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
WIW 59 down 34 to go!
So my current weight is 174. I lost a pound and I weigh the same as when I was 17. Wow! Most people wish they weighed what they did in High School... it's awesome to know that I do! :)
Things have been looking up for me lately. I've definitely gotten my confidence back and my ability to stand my ground, so as not to be walked all over or taken for granted.. for the most part anyway. I think those who are closest to me realize that the part of me that would bend over backwards to do them a favor, make them laugh, or be there for them in a heartbeat, hasn't changed. My life as a doormat, however, has. Not that I've become a raging biotch or anything, but at the same time, I'm not quite as quick to jump into something that will only bring me harm or hurt.. the people pleaser in me used to do that, but not so much anymore.
It's weird to be on this side of confidence. I lived a life for so long behind a veil of insecurity that I let so many little things get to me. Even though the saying goes "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me," sometimes words hurt the most. People have said things about me, behind my back, to my face, or when they thought I was out of earshot, that have hurt me. I'm not the type to harbor those kinds of things, I would hear them, process them, (cry), and move on. In one ear, out the other. That was part of my denial phase. People said things about my weight, a lot. It hurt most when it came from people who I loved or could always confide in. It made me cautious to the point of avoiding the subject all together.
I can't say that I've never said a cross word about someone, because we all have. It's human nature. When someone says or does something to me that offends me, I don't immediately lash out at them. I process, and deal with it in my own way, politely to their face, and maybe not so politely later when I'm venting about it to whoever happens to be in listening mode. Not that I've had any reason to be confrontational lately, but I'm realizing now, that the things people say about me are different. There's been a shift in the winds...
There are no longer negative comments about my weight. People are talking about me behind my back in a positive way! What a feeling that is. They talk about my progress and about my Lap-Band surgery. They send good thoughts and wishes my way via family and friends. They e-mail me to tell me that I'm an inspiration. No longer do I feel like people talk to me in a condescending way.
Another thing I've noticed is that I'm not constantly worrying about what to wear. I actually LOVE buying clothes. Some people may be ashamed that they're "now a size 14." Umm.. not this gal. I found yet another bridesmaid dress (call me Katherine Heigl).. this one from July 2009 when I was at my highest weight! Mind you, the dress was gorgeousss, and I'd love to wear it now in a size 14! But this one is a size 24.
I bought a pair of jeans at Target because they were ridiculously cheap, and got a 16 just because I was scared of them being too tight and I didn't really feel like trying them on. They fit fine, came up a little high, but whatevs. After one day of wearing them they were wayy too big! I went back and got the size 14, and they fit perfectly! I have a feeling they'll loosen up in another couple months :) It's fun to go through old clothes and actually be able to wear them again.. but it sure is a shame a lot of them went to Goodwill when I thought I'd never be able to fit into them again.. not that I mind buying new ones!
My personal goal is to lose at least 1 pound/maintain 173 or lower before my next appt with Fuzz which will be 1 year out. How exciting would it be to have lost 60 pounds since surgery 12 months ago. To me an average of 5 pounds a month is very steady and healthy, and all that I could have hoped for! While the weight loss has kind of been a roller coaster, the dot map has continuously gone down, down, down, instead of up, up, up and that is just mind blowing to me!
I am constantly surprising myself with things I'm able to do. Running even just a few hundred feet used to get me winded (like, if I were to be chased by a dog, I might as well just lay down and play dead.) now it takes a bit longer for me to feel like my lungs are going to collapse! This morning we had a fire drill. Everyone on my floor was to go to the ground floor/basement. 245 pound Becky (who I still love no matter what!) would have waited 10 minutes for the elevator back up. 174 pound Becky didn't think twice about going to the stair well and hiking up those 4 flights - without getting winded/breaking a sweat! It's the little things that keep me motivated!
So last week when I was writing this I was going to the Salvation Army to spend the night! What a night that was! Quite a humbling experience to say the least. When I arrived, I met a lady who was also a volunteer and we became quick pals. She had been coming every year for the past 15-ish years through her church so she knew her way around.. everything. Then the guys came, two from her church and one student from WFU. I was the only rookie.. figures! We were quickly put to work, buttering bread for dinner and breakfast, then getting prepared for dinner at 8.
At first my job was going to be to keep the drink pitchers full.. but then the kitchen manager insisted that I serve food, as the menfolk (the shelter is for men only) prefer to be served by the ladiessss! I obliged, but didn't promise to give equal servings! We served over 60 men that night, each and every single one of them thanked us, some more fervently, some through a grumble and some with eyes that could pierce your soul. They each made me grateful to be able to serve them.
After dinner they dispersed to watch TV, play cards, or just mill around. After we got done cleaning up my new gal pal and I went into the common area to hangout and watch the heated game of Spades that was going on. I felt eyes on me the entire time and finally one of the onlookers piped up and said, "Your name's Miss Becky?" he was around my age so I replied, "Yes, just like the Plies song." After that, I was in. They laughed and joked with me and told me that since I worked at DSS I was a baby taker. Haha. Awkwardddd.... I assured them I do not work in that department!
Later we had Devotions which were led by the night manager, Donnie. He read scripture from Exodus and gave a lesson as well as discussion. Afterwards he allowed time for everyone to give their testimony or say a prayer for the group. It was awesome and incredibly inspiring to hear how much they had been helped by this shelter and by the Cornerstone program which is a long-term alcohol rehab program, as best I learned. They talked about how important we as volunteers are and that they hope to one day return as volunteers when they've gotten back on their feet. I got a little choked up, but surprisingly I didn't cry! At the end we all joined hands and said the Lord's Prayer. It was the perfect ending.
Afterwards it was bedtime - but not for me. I had the choice of going to sleep for an hour or staying up until my front desk shift (12am-2am). I chose to stay up, and chatted with two of the guy volunteers who were kind enough to wait up with me! The two hours went by pretty fast, but sleep didn't come fast enough. The sleeping conditions were... less than perfect... but I wasn't expecting Egyptian cotton. Knowing that I had to be up at 6am and work at 8am really put the pressure on for me to fall right to sleep.. which of course didn't happen! I think I got maybe 3 hours of sleep.. oh well.
We got up before the roosters and got everything ready for breakfast, and called them men down to eat. By this time I was delirious, and luckily all I had to do was dish out fruit salad! Work the next day was difficult, but I definitely ran on addreneline and the feeling gratification that I earned that night. I hope that I can get someone to go with me next time, as I think it's a great experience, even if you only do it once, or once a year for 15 years!
This turned out to be a lot longer than I thought it would be! I don't think I'll be winning any nobel prizes before next week, so it will probably not be quite so good citizen oriented, but you just never know!
I heard a song yesterday that spoke to my heart and basically described the point of life and mindset that I'm in right now to a tee. It's called Unbreakable, by Fireflight. I'm just going to paste the ones that are most applicable, but it's a greattt song, download it!
Unbreakable
Where are the people that accused me?
The ones who beat me down and bruised me
They hide just out of sight
Can't face me in the light
They'll return but I'll be stronger
God, I want to dream again
Take me where I've never been
I want to go there
This time I'm not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me
Sometimes it's hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can't see?To reach my destiny
I want to take control but I know better
Forget the fear it's just a crutch
That tries to hold you back
And turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just trust
NMW,
<3
Things have been looking up for me lately. I've definitely gotten my confidence back and my ability to stand my ground, so as not to be walked all over or taken for granted.. for the most part anyway. I think those who are closest to me realize that the part of me that would bend over backwards to do them a favor, make them laugh, or be there for them in a heartbeat, hasn't changed. My life as a doormat, however, has. Not that I've become a raging biotch or anything, but at the same time, I'm not quite as quick to jump into something that will only bring me harm or hurt.. the people pleaser in me used to do that, but not so much anymore.
It's weird to be on this side of confidence. I lived a life for so long behind a veil of insecurity that I let so many little things get to me. Even though the saying goes "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me," sometimes words hurt the most. People have said things about me, behind my back, to my face, or when they thought I was out of earshot, that have hurt me. I'm not the type to harbor those kinds of things, I would hear them, process them, (cry), and move on. In one ear, out the other. That was part of my denial phase. People said things about my weight, a lot. It hurt most when it came from people who I loved or could always confide in. It made me cautious to the point of avoiding the subject all together.
I can't say that I've never said a cross word about someone, because we all have. It's human nature. When someone says or does something to me that offends me, I don't immediately lash out at them. I process, and deal with it in my own way, politely to their face, and maybe not so politely later when I'm venting about it to whoever happens to be in listening mode. Not that I've had any reason to be confrontational lately, but I'm realizing now, that the things people say about me are different. There's been a shift in the winds...
There are no longer negative comments about my weight. People are talking about me behind my back in a positive way! What a feeling that is. They talk about my progress and about my Lap-Band surgery. They send good thoughts and wishes my way via family and friends. They e-mail me to tell me that I'm an inspiration. No longer do I feel like people talk to me in a condescending way.
Another thing I've noticed is that I'm not constantly worrying about what to wear. I actually LOVE buying clothes. Some people may be ashamed that they're "now a size 14." Umm.. not this gal. I found yet another bridesmaid dress (call me Katherine Heigl).. this one from July 2009 when I was at my highest weight! Mind you, the dress was gorgeousss, and I'd love to wear it now in a size 14! But this one is a size 24.
I bought a pair of jeans at Target because they were ridiculously cheap, and got a 16 just because I was scared of them being too tight and I didn't really feel like trying them on. They fit fine, came up a little high, but whatevs. After one day of wearing them they were wayy too big! I went back and got the size 14, and they fit perfectly! I have a feeling they'll loosen up in another couple months :) It's fun to go through old clothes and actually be able to wear them again.. but it sure is a shame a lot of them went to Goodwill when I thought I'd never be able to fit into them again.. not that I mind buying new ones!
My personal goal is to lose at least 1 pound/maintain 173 or lower before my next appt with Fuzz which will be 1 year out. How exciting would it be to have lost 60 pounds since surgery 12 months ago. To me an average of 5 pounds a month is very steady and healthy, and all that I could have hoped for! While the weight loss has kind of been a roller coaster, the dot map has continuously gone down, down, down, instead of up, up, up and that is just mind blowing to me!
I am constantly surprising myself with things I'm able to do. Running even just a few hundred feet used to get me winded (like, if I were to be chased by a dog, I might as well just lay down and play dead.) now it takes a bit longer for me to feel like my lungs are going to collapse! This morning we had a fire drill. Everyone on my floor was to go to the ground floor/basement. 245 pound Becky (who I still love no matter what!) would have waited 10 minutes for the elevator back up. 174 pound Becky didn't think twice about going to the stair well and hiking up those 4 flights - without getting winded/breaking a sweat! It's the little things that keep me motivated!
So last week when I was writing this I was going to the Salvation Army to spend the night! What a night that was! Quite a humbling experience to say the least. When I arrived, I met a lady who was also a volunteer and we became quick pals. She had been coming every year for the past 15-ish years through her church so she knew her way around.. everything. Then the guys came, two from her church and one student from WFU. I was the only rookie.. figures! We were quickly put to work, buttering bread for dinner and breakfast, then getting prepared for dinner at 8.
At first my job was going to be to keep the drink pitchers full.. but then the kitchen manager insisted that I serve food, as the menfolk (the shelter is for men only) prefer to be served by the ladiessss! I obliged, but didn't promise to give equal servings! We served over 60 men that night, each and every single one of them thanked us, some more fervently, some through a grumble and some with eyes that could pierce your soul. They each made me grateful to be able to serve them.
After dinner they dispersed to watch TV, play cards, or just mill around. After we got done cleaning up my new gal pal and I went into the common area to hangout and watch the heated game of Spades that was going on. I felt eyes on me the entire time and finally one of the onlookers piped up and said, "Your name's Miss Becky?" he was around my age so I replied, "Yes, just like the Plies song." After that, I was in. They laughed and joked with me and told me that since I worked at DSS I was a baby taker. Haha. Awkwardddd.... I assured them I do not work in that department!
Later we had Devotions which were led by the night manager, Donnie. He read scripture from Exodus and gave a lesson as well as discussion. Afterwards he allowed time for everyone to give their testimony or say a prayer for the group. It was awesome and incredibly inspiring to hear how much they had been helped by this shelter and by the Cornerstone program which is a long-term alcohol rehab program, as best I learned. They talked about how important we as volunteers are and that they hope to one day return as volunteers when they've gotten back on their feet. I got a little choked up, but surprisingly I didn't cry! At the end we all joined hands and said the Lord's Prayer. It was the perfect ending.
Afterwards it was bedtime - but not for me. I had the choice of going to sleep for an hour or staying up until my front desk shift (12am-2am). I chose to stay up, and chatted with two of the guy volunteers who were kind enough to wait up with me! The two hours went by pretty fast, but sleep didn't come fast enough. The sleeping conditions were... less than perfect... but I wasn't expecting Egyptian cotton. Knowing that I had to be up at 6am and work at 8am really put the pressure on for me to fall right to sleep.. which of course didn't happen! I think I got maybe 3 hours of sleep.. oh well.
We got up before the roosters and got everything ready for breakfast, and called them men down to eat. By this time I was delirious, and luckily all I had to do was dish out fruit salad! Work the next day was difficult, but I definitely ran on addreneline and the feeling gratification that I earned that night. I hope that I can get someone to go with me next time, as I think it's a great experience, even if you only do it once, or once a year for 15 years!
This turned out to be a lot longer than I thought it would be! I don't think I'll be winning any nobel prizes before next week, so it will probably not be quite so good citizen oriented, but you just never know!
I heard a song yesterday that spoke to my heart and basically described the point of life and mindset that I'm in right now to a tee. It's called Unbreakable, by Fireflight. I'm just going to paste the ones that are most applicable, but it's a greattt song, download it!
Unbreakable
Where are the people that accused me?
The ones who beat me down and bruised me
They hide just out of sight
Can't face me in the light
They'll return but I'll be stronger
God, I want to dream again
Take me where I've never been
I want to go there
This time I'm not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me
Sometimes it's hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can't see?To reach my destiny
I want to take control but I know better
Forget the fear it's just a crutch
That tries to hold you back
And turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just trust
NMW,
<3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)