WIW 59 down 34 to go!

So my current weight is 174. I lost a pound and I weigh the same as when I was 17. Wow! Most people wish they weighed what they did in High School... it's awesome to know that I do! :)

Things have been looking up for me lately. I've definitely gotten my confidence back and my ability to stand my ground, so as not to be walked all over or taken for granted.. for the most part anyway. I think those who are closest to me realize that the part of me that would bend over backwards to do them a favor, make them laugh, or be there for them in a heartbeat, hasn't changed. My life as a doormat, however, has. Not that I've become a raging biotch or anything, but at the same time, I'm not quite as quick to jump into something that will only bring me harm or hurt.. the people pleaser in me used to do that, but not so much anymore.

It's weird to be on this side of confidence. I lived a life for so long behind a veil of insecurity that I let so many little things get to me. Even though the saying goes "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me," sometimes words hurt the most. People have said things about me, behind my back, to my face, or when they thought I was out of earshot, that have hurt me. I'm not the type to harbor those kinds of things, I would hear them, process them, (cry), and move on. In one ear, out the other. That was part of my denial phase. People said things about my weight, a lot. It hurt most when it came from people who I loved or could always confide in. It made me cautious to the point of avoiding the subject all together.

I can't say that I've never said a cross word about someone, because we all have. It's human nature. When someone says or does something to me that offends me, I don't immediately lash out at them. I process, and deal with it in my own way, politely to their face, and maybe not so politely later when I'm venting about it to whoever happens to be in listening mode. Not that I've had any reason to be confrontational lately, but I'm realizing now, that the things people say about me are different. There's been a shift in the winds...

There are no longer negative comments about my weight. People are talking about me behind my back in a positive way! What a feeling that is. They talk about my progress and about my Lap-Band surgery. They send good thoughts and wishes my way via family and friends. They e-mail me to tell me that I'm an inspiration. No longer do I feel like people talk to me in a condescending way.

Another thing I've noticed is that I'm not constantly worrying about what to wear. I actually LOVE buying clothes. Some people may be ashamed that they're "now a size 14." Umm.. not this gal. I found yet another bridesmaid dress (call me Katherine Heigl).. this one from July 2009 when I was at my highest weight! Mind you, the dress was gorgeousss, and I'd love to wear it now in a size 14! But this one is a size 24.

I bought a pair of jeans at Target because they were ridiculously cheap, and got a 16 just because I was scared of them being too tight and I didn't really feel like trying them on. They fit fine, came up a little high, but whatevs. After one day of wearing them they were wayy too big! I went back and got the size 14, and they fit perfectly! I have a feeling they'll loosen up in another couple months :) It's fun to go through old clothes and actually be able to wear them again.. but it sure is a shame a lot of them went to Goodwill when I thought I'd never be able to fit into them again.. not that I mind buying new ones!

My personal goal is to lose at least 1 pound/maintain 173 or lower before my next appt with Fuzz which will be 1 year out. How exciting would it be to have lost 60 pounds since surgery 12 months ago. To me an average of 5 pounds a month is very steady and healthy, and all that I could have hoped for! While the weight loss has kind of been a roller coaster, the dot map has continuously gone down, down, down, instead of up, up, up and that is just mind blowing to me!

I am constantly surprising myself with things I'm able to do. Running even just a few hundred feet used to get me winded (like, if I were to be chased by a dog, I might as well just lay down and play dead.) now it takes a bit longer for me to feel like my lungs are going to collapse! This morning we had a fire drill. Everyone on my floor was to go to the ground floor/basement. 245 pound Becky (who I still love no matter what!) would have waited 10 minutes for the elevator back up. 174 pound Becky didn't think twice about going to the stair well and hiking up those 4 flights - without getting winded/breaking a sweat! It's the little things that keep me motivated!

So last week when I was writing this I was going to the Salvation Army to spend the night! What a night that was! Quite a humbling experience to say the least. When I arrived, I met a lady who was also a volunteer and we became quick pals. She had been coming every year for the past 15-ish years through her church so she knew her way around.. everything. Then the guys came, two from her church and one student from WFU. I was the only rookie.. figures! We were quickly put to work, buttering bread for dinner and breakfast, then getting prepared for dinner at 8.

At first my job was going to be to keep the drink pitchers full.. but then the kitchen manager insisted that I serve food, as the menfolk (the shelter is for men only) prefer to be served by the ladiessss! I obliged, but didn't promise to give equal servings! We served over 60 men that night, each and every single one of them thanked us, some more fervently, some through a grumble and some with eyes that could pierce your soul. They each made me grateful to be able to serve them.

After dinner they dispersed to watch TV, play cards, or just mill around. After we got done cleaning up my new gal pal and I went into the common area to hangout and watch the heated game of Spades that was going on. I felt eyes on me the entire time and finally one of the onlookers piped up and said, "Your name's Miss Becky?" he was around my age so I replied, "Yes, just like the Plies song." After that, I was in. They laughed and joked with me and told me that since I worked at DSS I was a baby taker. Haha. Awkwardddd.... I assured them I do not work in that department!

Later we had Devotions which were led by the night manager, Donnie. He read scripture from Exodus and gave a lesson as well as discussion. Afterwards he allowed time for everyone to give their testimony or say a prayer for the group. It was awesome and incredibly inspiring to hear how much they had been helped by this shelter and by the Cornerstone program which is a long-term alcohol rehab program, as best I learned. They talked about how important we as volunteers are and that they hope to one day return as volunteers when they've gotten back on their feet. I got a little choked up, but surprisingly I didn't cry! At the end we all joined hands and said the Lord's Prayer. It was the perfect ending.

Afterwards it was bedtime - but not for me. I had the choice of going to sleep for an hour or staying up until my front desk shift (12am-2am). I chose to stay up, and chatted with two of the guy volunteers who were kind enough to wait up with me! The two hours went by pretty fast, but sleep didn't come fast enough. The sleeping conditions were... less than perfect... but I wasn't expecting Egyptian cotton. Knowing that I had to be up at 6am and work at 8am really put the pressure on for me to fall right to sleep.. which of course didn't happen! I think I got maybe 3 hours of sleep.. oh well.

We got up before the roosters and got everything ready for breakfast, and called them men down to eat. By this time I was delirious, and luckily all I had to do was dish out fruit salad! Work the next day was difficult, but I definitely ran on addreneline and the feeling gratification that I earned that night. I hope that I can get someone to go with me next time, as I think it's a great experience, even if you only do it once, or once a year for 15 years!

This turned out to be a lot longer than I thought it would be! I don't think I'll be winning any nobel prizes before next week, so it will probably not be quite so good citizen oriented, but you just never know!

I heard a song yesterday that spoke to my heart and basically described the point of life and mindset that I'm in right now to a tee. It's called Unbreakable, by Fireflight. I'm just going to paste the ones that are most applicable, but it's a greattt song, download it!

Unbreakable
Where are the people that accused me?
The ones who beat me down and bruised me
They hide just out of sight
Can't face me in the light
They'll return but I'll be stronger

God, I want to dream again
Take me where I've never been
I want to go there
This time I'm not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me

Sometimes it's hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can't see?To reach my destiny
I want to take control but I know better

Forget the fear it's just a crutch
That tries to hold you back
And turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just trust


NMW,
<3