One Year :)

Today marks 1 year since my life changing Lap-Band surgery.
Wow!
Today I am 171 pounds.
Today, 1 year out, I am 6 pounds away from my 2-3 year goal fo 165.
Today I'm 74 pounds lighter than I was at my heaviest weight.
Today I'm proud of me. I look a heck of a lot better than I used to, but more importantly, I feel a lot better than I used to.
Today I feel more free, I feel less weighed down in so many ways.
Today I feel loved and I love me and I love the person I'm becoming with every day and every pound.

I definitely feel like this transformation has been one of the best of my life. The transformations I made from birth - adulthood, while great, were not nearly as drastic or quick. I feel like this year has gone by in a blink. It's definitely been a whirlwind. I'll be honest, a year ago, I was scared I'd never reach my goal weight. I was scared I'd be one of the few people who the band just does NOT work for. I'm a lucky, lucky girl in that it has worked well beyond my favor. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, of course I was. I put on a brave face and I let my excitment mask every bit of that, and it worked. Thank God, it worked. I would have never gone through with such a procedure if I weren't so optimistic in nature.

365 days, many follow-up appts, 3 fills, support group meetings, and a zillion text messages to my support system later... I can still honestly say this was the best decision I ever made. I can't begin to describe the joy it brings me to know that I will never be back in the place where I was a year ago, or a year and a half ago. I was miserable, and although surrounded by people, I was always alone in my misery. It was a never ending pit of depression and self loathing. How's that for uplifting??

But honestly, I've made a transformation within myself that I never deemed possible, simply because I was so deep in. I love myself now more than I think anyone could possibly love me, except ya know.. Jesus, with my parents/sister not far behind. I like looking in the mirror... I wouldn't say I love it per se.. but I definitely don't despise it like I used to. I love taking pictures/being in pictures/looking at pictures in a way that I never did before. I told myself in my letter to myself to take lots of pictures, feel good in those pictures. I most definitely have and I will continue to do so.

I don't cry nearlyyy as much as I used to. I used to cry at the drop of a hat, simply because I internalized everything. I'm not kidding - everything. Someone could look at me wrong and I would think that they must be judging me, heck, they may have been. Now when people give me a once over I think, oh, I bet they like this outfit ;) I have a muchhh more positive attitude towards everything in general. Sure I still internalize some big or even little things, but I really don't feel like I'm worthy of being judged anymore - I'm pretty close to "normal."

To have lost 5 dress sizes in a year is just crazy to me, and by far my favorite accomplishment to date! Being as short as I am, sizes are not as gracious as they could be to begin with. Oh well... I look forward to shedding a few more in the future!

The future is something I definitely look forward to. I know I've said the same thing a lot of different ways for the past year, but I hope that my transformation has been somewhat evident. I really haven't had the time to go back and read all of these entries, but I know in my heart that things have changed within me and outside of me for the best. The song, "She's a Butterfly" by Martina McBride has always been special to me, as I lovee butterflies becauase they remind me of my Granna. It didn't occur to me until I ran across the song today, how truly meaningful it was. It's the perfect metaphor for this journey.. although I haven't made my complete transformation, I definitely feel like I'm less of a catipillar and definitely coming out of my cocoon. These words describe it like I can't:

She's a butterfly, pretty as the crimson sky
Nothing's ever gonna bring her down
And everywhere she goes
Everybody knows she's so glad to be alive
She's a butterfly

Like the purest light in a darkened world
So much hope inside such a lovely girl
You should see her fly, it's almost magical
It makes you wanna cry, she's so beautiful

God bless the butterfly,
give her the strength to fly
Never let her wings touch the ground.

I know I'm not done, and I am grateful that I have this Lap Band for the rest of my life, but this is definitely a milestone. I will celebrate like a rockstar when I reach my first goal, and hopefully soon. But right now I'm celebrating the fact that I have been so strong for an entire year. It's been one of the hardest years of my life, but most certainly, the best.

I hope I have said thank you to those of you who have helped carry me through this, enough times for it to sink in. I hope that you realize that the little things you do are more than appreciated, they're needed. Your love and inspiration is my kryptonite and there is absolutely no way that I would have made it this far this quickly without each and every one of you.

Thank you to those who, a year ago, sent flowers, balloons, texts, facebook messages, phone calls, and prayers my way. Thank you to you for messaging me to tell me about your journey with your weight, God or relationships in general. Thank you for listening to me cry. Thank you for making me laugh until it hurts. Thank you for the compliments a plenty. Thank you for motivating me. Thank you for picking me up when I was down or allowing me to crumble when I needed to. Thank you for not judging me when I went against my word. Thank you for making special meal plans for me. Thank you for incessantly asking if I'm able to eat something. Thank you for caring. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being you. And thank you for helping me love me.

NMW,

<3

I spent way too much time making a video/slideshow but umm... it's not uploading :( So, no pictures yet, but I will figure out how to save it and put it on here!... if anyone has any idea how to make this happen, let me know! (Simply uploading it from my computer is just not working and it's too big to attach to an e-mail..)