There was one day last week that I weighed 173... but this morning it was 174 so I'm not going to toot my horn just yet! I must say though, that I feel like I've lost... you know how some mornings you wake up and you don't mind looking in the mirror so much? Yep, one of those.. but this week rather than just feeling that way in the mornings... it lasts all day long.
In trying to find motivation to write this entry (as I feel soo repetative, and after so long.. what more is there to say that I haven't already said?) I went back and read my post from this day last year. From that I found this excerpt that really got the wheels turning, full speed:
"I'm going to use this to my full advantage and try my damndest not to take it for granted. I have so much to literally lose :) and so much to gain in the process."
I feel like I can honestly say I have accomplished this goal. I have worked hard to creat harmony amongst my eating habits and my Lap-Band. I think we've got a good thing goin. Granted, I've gotten sick a hand full of times... but it's just one of those things that doesn't really bother me like I thought it would. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely hate getting sick and throwing up in general, but rather than get mad at myself for eating too quickly or too much, I heed it as a warning and I slow down, I watch what I eat more carefully and I definitely take wayy longer to eat than I used to. You never realize how harmful your actions are until you've changed them and reflected upon them.
I still don't think I was an out of control binge eater or anything, but I definitely recognize the fact that I made poor decisions and ate faster, making me hungry more often, and more likely to succumb to my cravings like crazy before I had the band. These days I do sometimes succumb to cravings, but definitely in moderation. Do I think I could have accomplished this new style of eating without the band? Sure, for a short period of time. Would it have lasted a year, and for the rest of my life? Absolutely not.
It pains me to hear of people who have had this surgery and haven't had the kind of success myself and others I know (Molly, that's you!) have. Maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks, and you can lead a horse to water.. but I just can't really comprehend not having amazing results from this surgery. Granted, there are definitely ways to eat "around" the band and there are always opportunities to push limits and see how much of something you can eat before you're just gut wrenchingly sick or having PB's (productive burps. gross. I don't refer to those often b/c just the term makes me nauseous.) but why would you want to?
As of last month it's been a year since I've had a coke, pepsi, mt. dew, dr pepper, bud light, cheerwine, sunkist or champagne. I attempted to give them up in the past, to no avail. I honestly don't think I would even like the taste of it if I tried (which I won't, that'd be stupid) to drink something carbonated. Case in point: I once accidentally picked up my friend's drink at lunch, took a swig and ran to the bathroom to spit the Pepsi out. Soda was my guilty pleasure for 25 longgg years. Just knowing that it could cause me physical pain was and is enough to deter me from ever drinking one again. I'm not one for self inflicted pain.
That said, I think that I have definitely used this band to my full advantage. My gosh, I'm practically 90% of the way to my first goal weight, in one year. That's definitely way more than I could've ever hoped for. Unrealistically I thought I could be under my goal weight by Andrea's wedding in May, but realistically, that's just silly! I'll be ecstatic when I make it to 165, whenever that may be. I may throw myself a party. Seriously. And you better be there!
Here I go with my redudancy, but... I really don't think I could have gotten this far without the love and support of my family, my best friends, and the social network of friends I have gained in the past year. I never ever thought I would touch more than a few lives.. and those being of my nearest and dearest at best. But people have conacted me, encouraged me, helped push me, and said some of the sweetest things I've ever heard without even knowing me. It's honestly one of the best feelings in the world to hear that people can see how far you've come without having known you before.
One of my coworkers unknowingly made my day last week. She said to a mutual friend/co-worker, "Have you seen skinny minny??" And said co-worker asked, "Who?" She replied, "BECKY!" (I had just passed her walking off the elevator the day before.) Me oh my, I was on cloud 9 after that. Never have I ever heard my name and skinny in the same sentence. Honestly. Not that I think I am skinny by any means, and I never expect to be.. but holy crap, for someone else to think/say that. A couple of days later one of the Medicaid supervisors who I haven't seen since August I guess, passed me in the hallway and said hey, then did a double-take and said, Look at you!!! These are the little things that stick with me, and now that I'm documenting them, they will always remind me of how exciting this time is :)
Last week we celebrated my Dad's 62nd (sorry dad!) birthday. This was a unique milestone, as my grandfather passed two days before his 62nd, either 2 or 3 years before I was born. It occurred to me that I don't talk about my dad enough in this blog. Maybe because I knew that as soon as I started typing this, I'd get a knot in my throat. He has that effect on me. I love my Dad more than words. He's my rock. He's my safety net. He's my bear hug when I've gone through any kind of horrible incident. He's the only one who remembers that I need my car inspected, an oil change, or drives it just to ensure that it's running smoothly. He's the reason I change the A/C unit filters on regular basis. He's the reason I want to be the best daughter, sister, aunt, and someday wife and mother in the world. He's one of the main reasons I want to be the best Becky I can be.
Knowing how proud my dad is of me for making as much progress as I have so far, and hearing him say, "you're lookin slim!" in passing, makes this whole ordeal worth the effort. He lays down his life for me on a regular basis, and drops everything just to make sure that I'm okay. My whole life he worried about my weight, to the point of straining our relationship. It's a non-issue these days. Any discussion we have about my weight is in a positive light or incessantly asking if something is ok for me to eat ;) I never thought that my weight would be a source of pride for my dad.. but once again, I've proven myself wrong. Just another "I can't" turned into an "I am/did."
But just the same, I am incredibly proud of my dad. At 62 I never could've imagined he'd be running 5k's and around their neighborhood or at Tanglewood on a whim. He amazes me! I wish I had the motivation that he does sometimes, just a little sliver of it would be nice. I guess to some extent I do get that honest, and I use it to my advantage when I want to, but I can get a little lazy sometimes! I'm not complaining about the personality traits I definitely inherited from him, though. A lot of my sense of humor is similar to my dad's, I definitley have his quick/sometimes cheesy wit and I often find my own jokes funny.. maybe more than others. I love having the ability to laugh at myself, but be serious when need be. I love that I have a perfect combination of both of my parents, I guess because they are practically one in the same themselves!
I think I'd rather talk about other people than myself.... I get bored talking about me, me, me all the time! Next week is my 1 year bandiversary!!! Wow! I will definitely be re-reading my letter to the editor and letter to the mid-point editor, and writing myself a 1 year post op letter to the editor, just incase you haven't picked up on my predictability yet ;) I'm really excited about reflecting on all of my accomplishments!
I've come a longgg way!
NMW,
<3
PS:
I realize I don't post enough pictures... soooo.... I took it upon myself to make another before/current picture, side by side. The green dress ones are from Jamie's wedding (that I referred to in my last post I believe) from July 2009, the weekend after my first appointment with the endocrinologist where I was diagnosed with PCOS and prescribed metformin. I'm glad those days are over... but I'm grateful for these pictures as they were taken at my highest peak! I just wish I could get a do-over ;) The one in the middle is from this past weekend at Andrea's bachelorette party in Charlotte! I look forward to having a better bridesmaid experience in May and I am so excited for her and Kevin! Not to mention the fact that they will be moving closer to home soon!
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