Patience is a virtue...

I feel like God has been testing me a lot lately.. like, a lot, a lot.
I'm not complaining, by any means, because my life is wonderful... but I just get so frustrated sometimes. I know I'm losing weight really quickly, and that's awesome... but I just wish I could fast forward to this time next year, and see the results of all my hard work. I know that sounds crazy and it's crazy to think that way, but that's just me for ya. I feel like even though everyone knows that this will be a long process, there are still high expectations of quick weightloss - maybe those expectations are coming mostly from myself, because no one in their right mind would blatantly say that... but it's hard to remember that it could years for me to get to my goal weight.

I wish I could just get a glimpse of life a year from now.. but where's the fun in that? There is none... I just hope that I'm in a good place, and with the friends and family that I have, I know I will be. I just hate that I still get so insecure. And I really need to realize that this needs to stop and SOON. I love love love myself but there are days such as today, when I still feel like I've got a longgg ways to go, and I know I do, but I just wonder if anyone will want to stick it out with me... or will I drive everone I care about away because I've become so self obsessed or scale obsessed?

I've never been one to get on the scale more than oh... a yearly doctor's visit?? But I find myself weighing daily and literally getting down on myself for not losing that 1/2 a pound or what have you. Which is EXACTLY what I said I WOULDN'T DO! It's a hard habit to break, but it has to be broken. And everyone and their brother can tell me to just stop, but that's not going to matter when I'm in my bathroom in the morning and there's no one around but me. If this keeps up, which I don't think it will, I'm going to become my own worst enemy.

All I can do is set realistic, minimum goals, and be extremely proud of myself when I reach them! I need to stop seeking approval from others. Maybe I'll just stop updating anyone until I've hit a certain mark, like, when I've hit another 10 pound mark, or so. That sounds like a good plan....

I'm really excited about going to Washington, DC this weekend with my sister. It will be nice just to get away, although there's a certain someone I'd spend every waking moment with if that were possible. I'm happy that things are progressing the way they are and I hope things don't change just because I get down on myself every once in a while. I need to stop beating myself up for no reason. I've come a long way and my gosh I'm only 2 weeks out. I'm not even on solid foods yet! Haha.

It's all quite comical when I think about it, but the days that are hard, are really truly hard. I'm so grateful to have people I know I can turn to when I start feeling like I don't want to do this anymore or I just want to eat like a normal person not a bird or what have you. It's hard to watch people eat yummy delicious things that got me to where I am now, but I just have to remind myself that that's the REASON I am where I am now, and in the years to come, I'll be glad I can't eat the crap I used to!!!

I must say I don't know how I'd be able to do this without my family. They're amazing. My parents go to extra lengths to make sure I don't feel left out during meals or on trips. My sister jumps at the opportunity to go for a walk! Even Jay, when gives me hell about my blue light and teases me like a real brother, it takes my mind off of everything else and keeps me on my toes. Haha.

So why, if all of these wonderful things are going on around me, am I crying while I write this? Hell, I don't know. Maybe because the emotional little Becky that's still inside is screaming for attention from herself because she's been so focused on attention from others for the past few months. Maybe because all of this change that's "going to happen" is actually happening and I don't know how to cope with it. Maybe beacause I'm a basketcase?? Maybe because I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude and I don't know how I got so lucky to have such amazing people in my life?? Your guess is as good as mine. But as for now, I'm going to hope they're tears of joy.

NMW. <3.