Finally! The plateu is overrr! I dropped 2 pounds this week! Yayayay! 191 now :) I'm soo close to being out of the 190s and I know it's going to drive me crazy til I get there.
Last Friday I had another follow up appointment with Fuzz and I also met with Amber. They were very encouraging and even though I got down on myself for only having lost 4 pounds since last month, they said that was great and perfectly normal. Fuzz said a pound a week is healthy, so that's what I'm going to stick with. Amber says I'm doing great eating wise and whatnot. I've started my protein shakes again and hopefully that will help kickstart things as well!
If I lose a pound a week, I'll be at their goal for me in like... 6 & 1/2 months.. so that's pretty exciting. That would be their long term goal for me, definitely not 1 year post-op goal, buttt... I'm pretty determined. And I'm getting a lot of my motivation back, as I've been somewhat depressed lately and letting failing relationships get me down.. I'll write more later, I'm just not having a very good day today! <3
None the less,
NMW <3
March 23, 2010 my life changed in an amazing way. This is my Lap-Band (weight loss surgery) experience from start to present...
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
KMWIW
Well, no numeric change this week - frustrating!! Still at 193.. I'm very grateful that my appointment with Fuzz and the crew is this Friday because I need to get over this hump! I can't complain too much because I'm definitely still losing inches!! I've gone from a size 22 at my highest to currently and comfortably wearing a 16 in everything! I haven't worn a 16 in anything since I WAS 16! So I'm pretty flippin excited about that! And the fact that the linen pants I shrunk 2 years ago, and were still too small a month ago, fit me perfectly today!
I'm still feeling pretty good about myself - and trying not to let this get me down. I've still got amazing things going on in my life, a lottt of change. I had an interview at DSS yesterday for a position as a Community Resources Consultant in which I would work with our LIEAP (Low Income Energy Assistance Program) and CIP (Crisis Intervention Program) programs and basically run them.. and supervise temp workers during "busy seasons." Sounds pretty awesome to meeee... lots of responsibility but that's kind of what I crave. Other people looking to me for guidance and answers and whatnot, is just something that I think would help me to grow and learn a lottt. I'm pretty sure the interview went reallyyy well, they nodded a lot while I was giving answers to their 8193481 questions! :)
So today my mind isn't really focused on me today. My mind is in Heaven. It's been there a lot for the past 6 years. I can't believe it's been 6 years tomorrow since I lost one of my best friends, Kevin Matthew Winters, at the way too early age of 19. My heart breaks almost everytime I think of him, but I remember that he's still with me. I keep in mind that he's one of my guardian angel and that he and all of my Grandparents look out for me reguarly. I just still can't believe how much it hurts. I realize I don't cry everyday anymore, and I realize and can appreciate the fact that I still think about him everyday. Every. Single. Day.
I hear songs such as John Mayer's "No Such Thing".. which we used to laugh about.. and I know that's his way of saying, "Hey Beck, I miss you too!" But I still find myself questioning God's reason for taking him away so soon. He gave me a will to live and a greater appreciation for life, family and friends.. he gave me a best friend in his sister and a second family in his parents, brother and sister in law. He gave me more than he'll ever know. He is with me everyday, but everyday feels like it's a gift to me that he never received.
If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life goes on, and we can't take with us who we choose. People choose to be in our lives for a reason, people choose to leave our lives for a reason, and sometimes God chooses who leaves our lives for reasons we don't understand. It breaks my heart when I remember that Kevin never met his nephew Kevin and niece Caroline and heard those belly laughs and hasn't ever seen those radiant smiles and their vigor for life. I feel guilty that he's never felt the love that I feel for Graham, and vise versa, but I know that he's watching over them too, and that makes it a little better in my heart.
"I wanna run through the halls of my high school.. I wanna scream at the top of my lungs. I just found out there's no such thing as the real world.. just a lie you've got to rise above." ~ John Mayer Still makes me laugh, Kev :)
There's still so much of him within each of us and that, also makes it easier. His sense of humor was one of his best qualities, he just had the best personality of anyone I knew. I was so blessed to have him in my life if only for a few short years, they were some of the best, and I'll never, ever forget them or him. <3
"I miss you. I miss being overwhelmed by you. And I need rescue.. I think I'm fading away.. But I keep thinking that you'll wake me up with a whisper in my ear.. I keep hoping that you'll sneak in my room. So I wait and I wait and I run old scenes through my tired head of the days we laid by the school and said forever.. Was that the best I'll ever be?" ~ Sister Hazel
Keep smilin Kevy. I love you, always.
NMW <3
Most recent photo since people like pictures! Not much difference.. but always making progress!
I'm still feeling pretty good about myself - and trying not to let this get me down. I've still got amazing things going on in my life, a lottt of change. I had an interview at DSS yesterday for a position as a Community Resources Consultant in which I would work with our LIEAP (Low Income Energy Assistance Program) and CIP (Crisis Intervention Program) programs and basically run them.. and supervise temp workers during "busy seasons." Sounds pretty awesome to meeee... lots of responsibility but that's kind of what I crave. Other people looking to me for guidance and answers and whatnot, is just something that I think would help me to grow and learn a lottt. I'm pretty sure the interview went reallyyy well, they nodded a lot while I was giving answers to their 8193481 questions! :)
So today my mind isn't really focused on me today. My mind is in Heaven. It's been there a lot for the past 6 years. I can't believe it's been 6 years tomorrow since I lost one of my best friends, Kevin Matthew Winters, at the way too early age of 19. My heart breaks almost everytime I think of him, but I remember that he's still with me. I keep in mind that he's one of my guardian angel and that he and all of my Grandparents look out for me reguarly. I just still can't believe how much it hurts. I realize I don't cry everyday anymore, and I realize and can appreciate the fact that I still think about him everyday. Every. Single. Day.
I hear songs such as John Mayer's "No Such Thing".. which we used to laugh about.. and I know that's his way of saying, "Hey Beck, I miss you too!" But I still find myself questioning God's reason for taking him away so soon. He gave me a will to live and a greater appreciation for life, family and friends.. he gave me a best friend in his sister and a second family in his parents, brother and sister in law. He gave me more than he'll ever know. He is with me everyday, but everyday feels like it's a gift to me that he never received.
If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life goes on, and we can't take with us who we choose. People choose to be in our lives for a reason, people choose to leave our lives for a reason, and sometimes God chooses who leaves our lives for reasons we don't understand. It breaks my heart when I remember that Kevin never met his nephew Kevin and niece Caroline and heard those belly laughs and hasn't ever seen those radiant smiles and their vigor for life. I feel guilty that he's never felt the love that I feel for Graham, and vise versa, but I know that he's watching over them too, and that makes it a little better in my heart.
"I wanna run through the halls of my high school.. I wanna scream at the top of my lungs. I just found out there's no such thing as the real world.. just a lie you've got to rise above." ~ John Mayer Still makes me laugh, Kev :)
There's still so much of him within each of us and that, also makes it easier. His sense of humor was one of his best qualities, he just had the best personality of anyone I knew. I was so blessed to have him in my life if only for a few short years, they were some of the best, and I'll never, ever forget them or him. <3
"I miss you. I miss being overwhelmed by you. And I need rescue.. I think I'm fading away.. But I keep thinking that you'll wake me up with a whisper in my ear.. I keep hoping that you'll sneak in my room. So I wait and I wait and I run old scenes through my tired head of the days we laid by the school and said forever.. Was that the best I'll ever be?" ~ Sister Hazel
Keep smilin Kevy. I love you, always.
NMW <3
Most recent photo since people like pictures! Not much difference.. but always making progress!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
WiWiWiWiWiWiW
Statistics:
121 days ago I had Lap Band surgery.
121 days ago I weighed approximately 233 pounds.
121 days ago my BMI was 45.
Today I weigh 192 pounds.
Today I have a BMI of 35.
Today I am 66% of the way to the standard goal of a Lap Band patient - 165 pounds (for my body); although, my ultimate goal is still 140.
1 pound weightloss this week is a victory. I am shocked I didn't maintain or gain today seeing as though this particular day is one that I am very umm.. bloated? Next week is when I can about guarantee to see a big drop - atleast I hope so anyway! :)
I feel good today. I feel like I'm finally getting back on my feet again. I've been crazy emotional lately, and I've cried a lottt more than usual, but I feel like that's just the name of this game. That's a part of who I've always been and who I'll always be - tears are cleansing for the soul, and when words can't describe how you feel, sometimes tears just.. can. Whether they're happy, sad, mixed emotion tears, or what have you... they make me feel weak at first, but they always.. always make me feel better.
I've been admittedly living a bit on the wild side lately. Something about summertime just puts a spell on me where I feel somewhat invincible and I feel like that patio at Mossy's is just beggingggg me to come sit and drink a glass on Wednesday 1/2 price wine nights (no. more. rather, quiet girls nights and movies, thanks.).. it's kinda like the past 2 summers we spent at J Butler's on that patio. It's just something about "gettin loud all summer long." It's what I enjoy doing, and at this point, that's what I should do.. things that I enjoy.
And getting back mentally to who I was a year and a half ago.. when I had no one to explain myself to.. and no one to hold me back. I had gotten really down on myself, and really truly started to build myself back up again. I had just started this career and I knew my life was going somewhere. Now, I need to rebuild again. I need a fresh start. I made a fresh start when I underwent this procedure, and I need to continue to grow.
Traveling has always been a huge part of who I am and what makes me happy. While I don't have the means to go places as regularly as I want to, I do have the ability to save up money so that I CAN go on special trips every once in a while. I kicked myself in the ass for not planning accordingly to go to Nashville with Kylie last weekend, and I don't want to have to pass up an opportunity like that again. Ashley T, Magan and I have been discussing going on a cruise for Labor Day weekend, which I think will be long enough for me to save up, get excited, and bust my ass to get in shape, and ready for - monetarily and physically :) Sometime in Sept/Oct as well, I'm going to make a trip to Savannah to see one of my all time favorites, Brian Durham. I am super excited about that because, well, I just love that guy, and I just loveee Savannah. I may never come back!
I'm making an effort to spend more time with my girlfriends and my guy friends who have been there for me throughout the years, no matter what. They have truly shown me that they don't judge me for anything I say, do or feel or what I look like. They just genuinely enjoy my company. That's an amazing revalation. I love my company too, and I need to keep in mind that while I joke about how "awesome" I am, the more I say it, the more I start to believe it. :)
There are about 8238942 things going through my brain right now, and most of it has to do with change. Why do people change? Why do peoples opinions of us change? Why can't people accept change? Why am I so scared of change? How do I crave yet fear change at the same time? Why is it so easy to let go of some people and so hard to let go of others? Why is it so easy for some people to let me go? Why can't I see that they really do still care? I guess these are just life's lessons that I'll figure out in retrospect... right now they're digging at me and making it hard to move on... but I am!!!
Ah, my amazing mother just e-mailed me this which made me cry... I must share... I hope she doesn't mind!:
What I love is that you are evolving into a capable and bright young lady who is realizing that she deserves lots of happiness and is willing to work hard to get where she wants to be (ok well life will never be all roses, but you know what I mean, lol). You are inspiring people and that must feel great!!!
It does feel great and she makes me feel so so great! As does my brilliant, wonderful sister and her mother in law who has been soo incredibly supportive not only to her w/G but to me through this whole process! Sometimes I just want to tell Graham over and over how lucky he is to have such amazing women surrounding him, but I know he'll figure it out on his own! How could I not feel like an amazing woman who can conquer any goal, big or small, with such awesome role models??
<3,
NMW
121 days ago I had Lap Band surgery.
121 days ago I weighed approximately 233 pounds.
121 days ago my BMI was 45.
Today I weigh 192 pounds.
Today I have a BMI of 35.
Today I am 66% of the way to the standard goal of a Lap Band patient - 165 pounds (for my body); although, my ultimate goal is still 140.
1 pound weightloss this week is a victory. I am shocked I didn't maintain or gain today seeing as though this particular day is one that I am very umm.. bloated? Next week is when I can about guarantee to see a big drop - atleast I hope so anyway! :)
I feel good today. I feel like I'm finally getting back on my feet again. I've been crazy emotional lately, and I've cried a lottt more than usual, but I feel like that's just the name of this game. That's a part of who I've always been and who I'll always be - tears are cleansing for the soul, and when words can't describe how you feel, sometimes tears just.. can. Whether they're happy, sad, mixed emotion tears, or what have you... they make me feel weak at first, but they always.. always make me feel better.
I've been admittedly living a bit on the wild side lately. Something about summertime just puts a spell on me where I feel somewhat invincible and I feel like that patio at Mossy's is just beggingggg me to come sit and drink a glass on Wednesday 1/2 price wine nights (no. more. rather, quiet girls nights and movies, thanks.).. it's kinda like the past 2 summers we spent at J Butler's on that patio. It's just something about "gettin loud all summer long." It's what I enjoy doing, and at this point, that's what I should do.. things that I enjoy.
And getting back mentally to who I was a year and a half ago.. when I had no one to explain myself to.. and no one to hold me back. I had gotten really down on myself, and really truly started to build myself back up again. I had just started this career and I knew my life was going somewhere. Now, I need to rebuild again. I need a fresh start. I made a fresh start when I underwent this procedure, and I need to continue to grow.
Traveling has always been a huge part of who I am and what makes me happy. While I don't have the means to go places as regularly as I want to, I do have the ability to save up money so that I CAN go on special trips every once in a while. I kicked myself in the ass for not planning accordingly to go to Nashville with Kylie last weekend, and I don't want to have to pass up an opportunity like that again. Ashley T, Magan and I have been discussing going on a cruise for Labor Day weekend, which I think will be long enough for me to save up, get excited, and bust my ass to get in shape, and ready for - monetarily and physically :) Sometime in Sept/Oct as well, I'm going to make a trip to Savannah to see one of my all time favorites, Brian Durham. I am super excited about that because, well, I just love that guy, and I just loveee Savannah. I may never come back!
I'm making an effort to spend more time with my girlfriends and my guy friends who have been there for me throughout the years, no matter what. They have truly shown me that they don't judge me for anything I say, do or feel or what I look like. They just genuinely enjoy my company. That's an amazing revalation. I love my company too, and I need to keep in mind that while I joke about how "awesome" I am, the more I say it, the more I start to believe it. :)
There are about 8238942 things going through my brain right now, and most of it has to do with change. Why do people change? Why do peoples opinions of us change? Why can't people accept change? Why am I so scared of change? How do I crave yet fear change at the same time? Why is it so easy to let go of some people and so hard to let go of others? Why is it so easy for some people to let me go? Why can't I see that they really do still care? I guess these are just life's lessons that I'll figure out in retrospect... right now they're digging at me and making it hard to move on... but I am!!!
Ah, my amazing mother just e-mailed me this which made me cry... I must share... I hope she doesn't mind!:
What I love is that you are evolving into a capable and bright young lady who is realizing that she deserves lots of happiness and is willing to work hard to get where she wants to be (ok well life will never be all roses, but you know what I mean, lol). You are inspiring people and that must feel great!!!
It does feel great and she makes me feel so so great! As does my brilliant, wonderful sister and her mother in law who has been soo incredibly supportive not only to her w/G but to me through this whole process! Sometimes I just want to tell Graham over and over how lucky he is to have such amazing women surrounding him, but I know he'll figure it out on his own! How could I not feel like an amazing woman who can conquer any goal, big or small, with such awesome role models??
<3,
NMW
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
WIW WIW WIW... like a cop car.
Man, it's getting hard to be creative/not so monotone with this! As my brother in law pointed out, I kind of write this blog like I'm drafting a 5 paragraph essay! Hahah. I love his honesty/constructive criticism! Hence, I will tryyyy my hardest not to do so this week!
First things first:
Current weight: 193. No change. But that's okay!! Because I lost a good amount last week, and I'm definitely on track. I took full advantage of the holiday weekend and having done so well so far, I didn't even feel guilty for eating a cookie!!
Today I feel... sassy. Maybe it's the pink nail polish? Maybe it's the stupid grin I have on my face because I'm just so happy with life sometimes? Maybe it's the fact that I'm living my life for me for a change? Whatever it is, I'm gonna try to keep it up and keep up this momentum!
I finally feel like things are starting to click... like one ah-ha moment after another.. I get why things don't go my way when I think they should - and I realize that it's not always such a bad thing. I may have always wanted the picture perfect life of a 25 year old, but what I have failed to realize is that I'm living it! I have no responsibilities other than my mortgage and my bills. I have a stable career, an awesome boss, a best friend that I get along soo well with as a roommate, I can leave on a whim and go to the beach, I can sit at the pool and do absolutely nothing if I want to, and most importantly, I can have fun whenever I want! Other than ya know... 8-5 b/c those hours are not very fun-inducing!
It's an incredibly awesome feeling to know that I have so much at my fingertips and that I'm continuing this journey for me alone. For future me and for my future spouse and children and whatnot. I look at my sister and her little family and I wonder what it will be like someday when that's me. I look so forward to going through all the ups and downs of being a wife and a new mom and a provider for a new little being. And of course, that's what I've been surrounded with lately, so that's what's on my mind... but at the same time... it makes me appreciate where I am right now and realize that I have to live for the moment. "Carpe diem." That escapes me sometimes. But other times I remind myself, I'm only 25!
I'm also beginning to embrace the fact that I am a woman. I am a strong, beautiful woman or as E and I like to say, an SBW! And I never realized how much strength comes with. How much integrity I should have just because I'm a woman. I've always taken it for granted, but lately... I've realized that I should embrace such a thing. I'm not a feminist, but I respect them. I think they're bold and brazen and they just don't care what people think. I'm starting to learn not to care what people think myself.
It's funny because one of my coworkers told me before I had the surgery that I would be surprised how many girls would become jealous and dislike me the more I lose.. and once again.. someone who has been in my shoes was right! And once again.. I understood what she meant when she said that women are down right competitive, and when you're fat & jolly they don't see you as a threat. But the more I lose, the more of a threat I become I suppose. That's just silly if you ask me. I've been the same me I've always been for the past 6 months, and for 25 years before that! Buttt women are funny creatures, and I would totes be jealous of someone continually getting hotter ;)
The nicest thing anyone has said to me recently was when Magan said to one of our friends, "She's been busting her ass at the gym!!!" [as I showed off my mean muscles] and he said, "I don't care about all that." in the context that he has always thought I was pretty. And we both swooned. Hahah. It was priceless.
While I have enjoyed getting male attention the more feminist side of me is realizing that I don't need that attention to be happy. To be happy I need my family and my friends. I have to constantly remind myself of this, when there's a lack of attention from the male population and I start to feel sorry for myself. Really Becky? Really? Who cares if boy a, b or c doesn't like you? You're probably aiming too low anyway!
I'm out of the mentality that I need a boyfriend to make me happy because that is absurd. I don't. I need me to be happy and I need a roof over my head and a small portion of food on the table. I need a glass of wine after a bad day and my best friend to make me laugh til I snort which results in more laughing, until I cry.
I need to take more trips with my family and enjoy this time while Graham and Mason so teeny, and before Kaylee is too grown up to be my sweet little girl anymore because before we know it, the boys will be running wild and Kaylee will be too busy texting her bff's to give her Aunt Beck a sweet hug & kiss!
4th of July at Myrtle Beach reminded me of what really makes me happy. And that's my family. My family cares more about me than anyone in the world and they'd do anything to see me at my very best. I love love love them!
OH, my love for the YMCA has grown ten-fold. I just loveee it there! Seriously. Never thought I'd say that. Never thought I'd think that. But I literally could not wait to get back to the gym last night after a long weekend away! I was going to workout at the beach but I was sick with a nasty sore throat and cough :( But coming back was that much more exhillarating! By the end of my "circuit" my legs and arms were shaking! It was crazy. But awesome at the same time. The girls and I have started doing 10 minutes on the treadmill - I do the weight loss setting, then machines, then 10 minutes hardcore on the eliptical - where I always force myself to burn 100 calories! Whew! And then, much to my dad's surprise and disbelief, when we're done, we have SO much energy! It's ridiculous. Like, endorphin city! We just giggle and act silly the whole way home/the rest of the night!
Whew.. I didn't think I had that much to say today, but I guess I was wrong!
Here are some pictures from the beach! I can tell in my arms :)
First things first:
Current weight: 193. No change. But that's okay!! Because I lost a good amount last week, and I'm definitely on track. I took full advantage of the holiday weekend and having done so well so far, I didn't even feel guilty for eating a cookie!!
Today I feel... sassy. Maybe it's the pink nail polish? Maybe it's the stupid grin I have on my face because I'm just so happy with life sometimes? Maybe it's the fact that I'm living my life for me for a change? Whatever it is, I'm gonna try to keep it up and keep up this momentum!
I finally feel like things are starting to click... like one ah-ha moment after another.. I get why things don't go my way when I think they should - and I realize that it's not always such a bad thing. I may have always wanted the picture perfect life of a 25 year old, but what I have failed to realize is that I'm living it! I have no responsibilities other than my mortgage and my bills. I have a stable career, an awesome boss, a best friend that I get along soo well with as a roommate, I can leave on a whim and go to the beach, I can sit at the pool and do absolutely nothing if I want to, and most importantly, I can have fun whenever I want! Other than ya know... 8-5 b/c those hours are not very fun-inducing!
It's an incredibly awesome feeling to know that I have so much at my fingertips and that I'm continuing this journey for me alone. For future me and for my future spouse and children and whatnot. I look at my sister and her little family and I wonder what it will be like someday when that's me. I look so forward to going through all the ups and downs of being a wife and a new mom and a provider for a new little being. And of course, that's what I've been surrounded with lately, so that's what's on my mind... but at the same time... it makes me appreciate where I am right now and realize that I have to live for the moment. "Carpe diem." That escapes me sometimes. But other times I remind myself, I'm only 25!
I'm also beginning to embrace the fact that I am a woman. I am a strong, beautiful woman or as E and I like to say, an SBW! And I never realized how much strength comes with. How much integrity I should have just because I'm a woman. I've always taken it for granted, but lately... I've realized that I should embrace such a thing. I'm not a feminist, but I respect them. I think they're bold and brazen and they just don't care what people think. I'm starting to learn not to care what people think myself.
It's funny because one of my coworkers told me before I had the surgery that I would be surprised how many girls would become jealous and dislike me the more I lose.. and once again.. someone who has been in my shoes was right! And once again.. I understood what she meant when she said that women are down right competitive, and when you're fat & jolly they don't see you as a threat. But the more I lose, the more of a threat I become I suppose. That's just silly if you ask me. I've been the same me I've always been for the past 6 months, and for 25 years before that! Buttt women are funny creatures, and I would totes be jealous of someone continually getting hotter ;)
The nicest thing anyone has said to me recently was when Magan said to one of our friends, "She's been busting her ass at the gym!!!" [as I showed off my mean muscles] and he said, "I don't care about all that." in the context that he has always thought I was pretty. And we both swooned. Hahah. It was priceless.
While I have enjoyed getting male attention the more feminist side of me is realizing that I don't need that attention to be happy. To be happy I need my family and my friends. I have to constantly remind myself of this, when there's a lack of attention from the male population and I start to feel sorry for myself. Really Becky? Really? Who cares if boy a, b or c doesn't like you? You're probably aiming too low anyway!
I'm out of the mentality that I need a boyfriend to make me happy because that is absurd. I don't. I need me to be happy and I need a roof over my head and a small portion of food on the table. I need a glass of wine after a bad day and my best friend to make me laugh til I snort which results in more laughing, until I cry.
I need to take more trips with my family and enjoy this time while Graham and Mason so teeny, and before Kaylee is too grown up to be my sweet little girl anymore because before we know it, the boys will be running wild and Kaylee will be too busy texting her bff's to give her Aunt Beck a sweet hug & kiss!
4th of July at Myrtle Beach reminded me of what really makes me happy. And that's my family. My family cares more about me than anyone in the world and they'd do anything to see me at my very best. I love love love them!
OH, my love for the YMCA has grown ten-fold. I just loveee it there! Seriously. Never thought I'd say that. Never thought I'd think that. But I literally could not wait to get back to the gym last night after a long weekend away! I was going to workout at the beach but I was sick with a nasty sore throat and cough :( But coming back was that much more exhillarating! By the end of my "circuit" my legs and arms were shaking! It was crazy. But awesome at the same time. The girls and I have started doing 10 minutes on the treadmill - I do the weight loss setting, then machines, then 10 minutes hardcore on the eliptical - where I always force myself to burn 100 calories! Whew! And then, much to my dad's surprise and disbelief, when we're done, we have SO much energy! It's ridiculous. Like, endorphin city! We just giggle and act silly the whole way home/the rest of the night!
Whew.. I didn't think I had that much to say today, but I guess I was wrong!
Here are some pictures from the beach! I can tell in my arms :)
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