I'm still feeling pretty good about myself - and trying not to let this get me down. I've still got amazing things going on in my life, a lottt of change. I had an interview at DSS yesterday for a position as a Community Resources Consultant in which I would work with our LIEAP (Low Income Energy Assistance Program) and CIP (Crisis Intervention Program) programs and basically run them.. and supervise temp workers during "busy seasons." Sounds pretty awesome to meeee... lots of responsibility but that's kind of what I crave. Other people looking to me for guidance and answers and whatnot, is just something that I think would help me to grow and learn a lottt. I'm pretty sure the interview went reallyyy well, they nodded a lot while I was giving answers to their 8193481 questions! :)
So today my mind isn't really focused on me today. My mind is in Heaven. It's been there a lot for the past 6 years. I can't believe it's been 6 years tomorrow since I lost one of my best friends, Kevin Matthew Winters, at the way too early age of 19. My heart breaks almost everytime I think of him, but I remember that he's still with me. I keep in mind that he's one of my guardian angel and that he and all of my Grandparents look out for me reguarly. I just still can't believe how much it hurts. I realize I don't cry everyday anymore, and I realize and can appreciate the fact that I still think about him everyday. Every. Single. Day.
I hear songs such as John Mayer's "No Such Thing".. which we used to laugh about.. and I know that's his way of saying, "Hey Beck, I miss you too!" But I still find myself questioning God's reason for taking him away so soon. He gave me a will to live and a greater appreciation for life, family and friends.. he gave me a best friend in his sister and a second family in his parents, brother and sister in law. He gave me more than he'll ever know. He is with me everyday, but everyday feels like it's a gift to me that he never received.
If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life goes on, and we can't take with us who we choose. People choose to be in our lives for a reason, people choose to leave our lives for a reason, and sometimes God chooses who leaves our lives for reasons we don't understand. It breaks my heart when I remember that Kevin never met his nephew Kevin and niece Caroline and heard those belly laughs and hasn't ever seen those radiant smiles and their vigor for life. I feel guilty that he's never felt the love that I feel for Graham, and vise versa, but I know that he's watching over them too, and that makes it a little better in my heart.
"I wanna run through the halls of my high school.. I wanna scream at the top of my lungs. I just found out there's no such thing as the real world.. just a lie you've got to rise above." ~ John Mayer Still makes me laugh, Kev :)
There's still so much of him within each of us and that, also makes it easier. His sense of humor was one of his best qualities, he just had the best personality of anyone I knew. I was so blessed to have him in my life if only for a few short years, they were some of the best, and I'll never, ever forget them or him. <3
"I miss you. I miss being overwhelmed by you. And I need rescue.. I think I'm fading away.. But I keep thinking that you'll wake me up with a whisper in my ear.. I keep hoping that you'll sneak in my room. So I wait and I wait and I run old scenes through my tired head of the days we laid by the school and said forever.. Was that the best I'll ever be?" ~ Sister Hazel
Keep smilin Kevy. I love you, always.
NMW <3
Most recent photo since people like pictures! Not much difference.. but always making progress!
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