"If you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got!"

Weigh In Wednesdayyyy...
was a moot point! I am happy to report that I have maintained 83 for a week, however, as I expected, I did not drop another 3 pounds. That was really crazy and I think it was actually borderline unhealthy! I know I'm going to lose weight more quickly than I ever could in the past, but dude.. I can't always expect irrational results! And that's something that I've accepted time and time again. However, this time, I'm proud of myself instead of using the "fake it til you make it" approach that I've mastered, I'm genuinely excited that I've kept off those 9 pounds in a month! Win.

I'm also becoming (sorry to disappoint, faithful weight watchers, no pun intended!) less concerned with the number on the scale! I'll continue to monitor and of course post my progress, but mentally I'm becoming more aware of the changes taking place phsyically. It's crazy. Every morning I wake up and, admittedly sucking in a bit, I check myself out in the mirror. Who needs a tape measure when you can see the little changes? The incessant, ever present back fat slowwwwwly going away and slowwwwly smoothing into my hips. The less prominent belly fat. The ridiculous thigh muscles that the leg press has provided (and that I make people poke while I flex, thanks for playing along guys). And not to mention, the reduction of chins.. Is enough for me to throw caution to the tape measure and base my confidence on my appearance to myself alone.

My confidence is something that has longg been lacking, but those days are numbered. I am genuinely confident in myself and my abilities as a person and I don't feel the need to beg for compliments anymore! They come freely, unprovoked, and mostly unexpected. I, admittedly, (and probably blog for this reason) have always loved attention, and when you receive it constantly, it's something to be missed when it's gone. I received attention, be it positive or negative, for a longg time from someone I had to constantly prod for compliments, approval and acceptance. Those. Days. Are. Gone. When I realized something had to change, so did said person. A break was taken from communication and my thoughts centered solely on me, myself and I. I started a great book, I spent a week night helping my sister with the baby, I worked out, and I spent an evening on La's porch with her and Steph catching up on life, love and lessons learned. I realized then, in those couple of hours, that old Becky was back.

This is something that took a couple of people "putting me in my place" and helping me to recognize the fact that I had changed. I had been long replaced by someone weaker than myself, succumbing to the powers that be. Being told that your friends haven't wanted to hang out with you because "you're always depressed about _____." is a hard pill to swallow. But, through tears, I did. It took a while for me to digest that horse pill, blame the Lap-Band, but finally, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I could imagine myself, being the person I am, the person I was, and the person I want to be. I could see myself happy and just as cheerful and carefree as ever. And I like that life. A lot better. Rather than trying to please everyone (k, just someone.) I realized that I have to take life as it comes, in my own perceived way, by the horns. I can't just keep expecting things to go my way and be handed to me.

"Be the change you want to see in other people." Is a quote that I have strived to live by. I haven't always done this, and I can't say that I always will. But I will always try to be a good role model. For myself, for my family, for my friends and for my nephew. I will show that anything is possible if you want it bad enough. If you try and fail, try again. If you keep failing, keep trying. I failed many a time at losing weight, but when I finally tried a new approach, I got a new outcome. I'm succeeding and I'm proving that things are possible when you make up your mind and commit, whole heartedly, to the outcome. For so long I quit trying, I gave up, and, much to my dismay and astonishment, I got the same results. As my Mother has always said, "if you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got."

When aforementioned person contacted me to wish me luck on my first day of work, even he was astonished by the change that had overcome me in just a week's time. No longer was I beaten down and frail. No longer am I beaten down and frail. I am reminded of this daily and I constantly praise myself in my head.. not outloud, because people might think me to be weird if I literally hi-fived myself. But, each passing day I grow.. as I shrink ;)

My new job, so far, is amazing. Everyone up here on the 3rd floor is soo nice and so genuinely welcoming! It's a nice change of pace not constantly watching my back/watching what I say to anyone other than trusted confidants! Not to mention the fact that I've already read all of the policy and have a great understanding of what is expected of me. I can't even begin to explain how tickled I was when Bobbi was training me yesterday and teaching me how to basically audit CIP (Crisis Intervention Program) applications taken/processed by the Salvation Army, and sign off on them. "Ok, this one is done! You sign here."... "Where it says Supervisor Signature?"... "Yep!" At this point I resisted the urge to blurt out by favorite catchphrase "SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!" I simply signed and dated, and moved on to the next stack of 50 or so apps. Talk about confidence boost. Whether I'm doing things correctly is to be determined...

Did I mention I have my own office? With a door that closes? And a desk made of wood (I think? It may be faux but it closely resembles wood.)? And a window? And a filing cabinet (which may or may not only contain my pink Snuggie at the present time)? And TWO hooks for art? And.. yeah.. that's exciting enough. I am astounded that anyone would bestow upon me such responsibility, such status and such possessions, but then I remember that I've worked hard to get here, I applied and I was chosen. There's a reason I'm here and I have to embrace every wonderful day as it comes. I am genuinely happy to be here and the change of pace is something I have craved for so long! I look forward to the "busy season" and mastering these programs, which Matt stated he feels are probably the easiest of any of our programs to learn. Whew! I got this!

Okay okay, enough rambling! I'm just so dang happy and proud of myself and my accomplishments, be they numerical, physical, or career related. I'm making something of myself and mentally hi-fiving myself regularly.

NMW!

<3

Hey hey WIW!

Today's weight is 183!!!! Wowowowowow! Another 3 pounds! This is getting absurd! I never in a million years thought I'd be losing weight this rapidly. Honestly, I think my hard work and determination and getting my butt to the Y atleast 2-3 times a week, or walking around the neighborhood with Mom is starting to reallyyy give me results! Instead of gaining muscle and seeming to plateu, I'm now continuing to gain muscle, but burn fat at the same time! Finallyyyy! Yayayay! This is the stage I've been waiting for!

I feel so incredibly good about myself these days. I'm actually starting to see how green the grass is on the other side! Why? Because I'm already ON the other side! The other side of 100 pounds away from my overall goal! I've officially lost 50 pounds since surgery!!! Another 50 and I'll be at 133 - woah! I'm 75% of the way to where I'm expected to be - my first goal - 165! Makes me so happy!

And people are definitely taking note. A lot of the people who see me alll the time even recognize the transformation, even my roommate who sees me everyday! Speaking of roommates, Kelly is the best ex roomie ever (how's that? :))!

People at work stop me in the hall to tell me how great I look and I still find it hard to believe when people call me "skinny!" A word that has never been in my vocab unless describing people I'm jealous of ;)

I've really started finding myself again, and that has started with letting go. Letting go of all the things that have held me back for soo long. I had a longg chat filled with lots of tears and laughter with my wonderful Mother on Sunday.. something I think I should do every single Sunday from here on out! She put so much in perspective for me and helped me to realize how much I've matured without even realizing it's happened.

At the ripe old age of 25 I'm truly beginning to realize what I deserve and what I want out of this life. I'm to the point now where I enjoy hanging out with my friends as much as possible, but at the same time, I long for stability and for the life that the other half of my friends have. Mom and I both daydream of me getting married, starting a family and going through all of the things that so many people already have, but we also realize that in order to find happiness, I have to let go of the things that tied me down - the self hate that I placed upon my body, the negative body images that I've always had, and the overall obscured view of the beauty that I have always had inside.

I'm just going to keep soul searching, as exhausting as it can be at times, and quit soulmate searching, because that's just something I have to leave up to fate - and anyone who may want to play matchmaker.. just sayin ;)

My new job starts next Monday and I couldn't be more excited! Matt has e-mailed me to get information necessary to complete the move form and so everything is getting really real! The past 2 years have been incredibly stressful job-wise, but I've learned soo much about myself, my goals and my ability to overcome and exceed expectations. I've gotten this caseload caught up and ahead, and while some things (ehhem.. filing.. sorry Ryan) have gone to the wayside, I've really learned how to organize myself so that I can get things done efficiently.

I have met so many wonderful people in this job and I've worked with people who I felt truly deserved my time, attention, and help through some of the most difficult times of their lives. While some days I felt like I was being taken for granted, accosted or telephonically abused, I look back on this start to my career with nothing but gratitude and respect for those who will continue to do casework to the best of their ability. It's a hard job and it's not for the weak of heart!

I know that I can move into this new position with newfound confidence, not only in myself physically and able bodylied (?, I just made that up.), but in my ability to learn new programs, new policies and new ways of working with the public and helping them to get through rough patches. I know that if I can manage a caseload of 1,067, I can do anything and I realize that I didn't know everything on day 1 or day 365 or whatever today is. I am prepared for the learning process and I know that this change will be so healthy for me and my new self! I'm scared but extremely excited!

Andddd, that's all folks!

NMW,
<3

WIW - 3 down with no reason to frown ;)

Oh, Weigh In Wednesday, how nice to see you again! For real though, not for play play!

When I stepped on the scaled this morning I was tickled pink to see 186!!! Oh em gee. That's 47 pounds less than I was at surgery merely 4 months ago! And a whopping 59 pounds since last summer! Wow! Only 26/46 pounds to go til I get to their/my goals!!! And that is what keeps me motivated!

It gets hard sometimes... remembering and keeping in check, the end result and what exactly that means to me. Who do I want to be when I get to my goal? What do I want to stand for? How do I want to be perceived? I've done a lot of soul searching just to keep myself the "same." But the same isn't always the best! I think personality-wise I want to be the same, because my sense of humor has gotten me through life itself.

Mentally and self-worth wise, however, I want to be different. I want to exude confidence, not arrogance/cockiness and so many people get the two confused. I feel like my confidence is bursting at the seems and every once in a while I feel great, amazing, undefeatable, but other times I remember I'm still human and I still get sad sometimes and that's okay! I don't know what part of me thought that the more I lost, the less I'd EVER feel blue, but those waves still come and go.

Last week, for example, I started getting into some kind of funk where something was just off and my whole mentality was affected. Maybe it's just changes in hormones, but the "normal" side of me was questioning how I could not be bouncing off the walls excited about my weight loss! Don't get me wrong, I was and AM super proud of me everyday, but I guess I just wanted it to be some magical cure for every little thing that sets off my "blah" spells. Oh well, that was then and today is a new, great day!

I finally feel like I'm out of that stage and like I've got myself back. I guess anxiety about change, etc. kinda caught me off guard. Who knows? What I do know is that I got my ass back to the Y Monday night after a few days of not going once again, and could truly tell a difference. Last night I didn't have anyone to go with so I went and walked with Mom & Dad instead, which was great! We had fun and even ran a little bit! Something my giggly bits would've never allowed 59 pounds ago! So I can only imagine how easy it will be in another 50 pounds! :)

Life keeps throwing me unexpected curve balls and I must say, the good outweighs the bad. Thank goodness! I've always been a "glass half full" kinda gal, so, I choose to let the good outweigh everything.

My grandmother, say or believe what you will about guardian angels and whether or not they exist, has really been looking out for me lately. I see it in so many ways and it's really kind of hard to explain. I see it in the butterflies that she seems to send me and I see it in the words of wisdom from my family & friends. I see the way she guides me towards certain situations and away from others. I've always loved hearing stories and little sayings of hers, as Granna died when I was very young.

What I do remember is her optimism and her bright, colorful wardrobe and personality to match! I feel like a part of her lives on within me and that makes me heart smile. I know that she would be so proud of me right now and I know that seeing my parents so happy with my results makes her glow with happiness, because it does me!

On a less sappy note, I'm really not sure how this weigh is coming off so easily. I hate to say it but really I think, against my doctor's/nutritionist's will, it's because I've been skipping lunch - eek! At most I'll grab a non-fat coffee at Starbucks on my lunch break, sometimes a low-fat treat, but I'm just not really that hungry, so why eat a big meal like I used to at lunch? Whatever works is my opinion!

I've been sure to eat a good, protein rich dinner after working out, so that helps as well. I'm just not trying to be anorexic just to get to my goal - haha! Never a fear, I <3 food!

This is just a lifetime journey that I keep trying to rush to - I know I'm racing to the finish line but I just want so badly to get there, I can't even stand it sometimes. Looking at how much of a difference there is so far, it makes me that much more strong-willed and determined to see the end result!

Always rushing to get to the next stage - that's me for ya!

I'm enjoying the ride and everything it's brought with it, of course, but I'm even more optimistic about the next few months as I get closer and closer to my goal, smaller and more toned!!

I still love myself, past, present and future, above all!

NMW <3

Time for pictures!!!

The first one is from the Britney Spears concert w/the girls last September and the second is from Erin's bday party in Charlotte July 30!

Sept 5 2009:


July 30 2010:

Oh, hey 180's, nice to see you again!

Wooohooooo I'm finally in the 180s and it feels amazingg as do I! I'm at 189 and once again, I've lost 2 pounds since last week. Yay! I know I should be just as happy when I lose a pound a week, but really.. 2 pounds closer to my goal is always a huuuge victory!

I also got a new job!!! Another huuuuge victory! Starting in a couple of weeks I will be the new Community Resources Consultant for Forsyth County DSS! Yay! Sounds pretty important, and that's exciting to me.. it's all in a name! I'll be working with the LIEAP (Low Income Energy Assistance Progam) and CIP (Crisis Intervention Program) programs! Woo! No more casework! Well, just in a different capacity. I feel like everything is changing and all for the better.

I'm getting a grip on life and taking it by the horns. I'm doing amazing things and I've got a lot to look forward to and work towards. I feel like all of this change, while absolutely terrifying, is absolutely necessary. I constantly say that I want a change of scenery and I want to get out of "this place" but sometimes small changes are just as much. As long as I keep doing what's best for me, everything will fall into place!

I'm really in a good place right now and I don't want to jinx myself, but I feel like things are only going to get better. God has proven to me that if I put myself first and truly care for and love myself, others will do the same. It's amazing the outpour of support I've received recently. People I never talk to at work have stopped me in the hall to tell me how great I look or to ask me what my secret is :) My Lap Band surgery is no secret, and I love telling people about the procedure.

I can honestly say this is the best thing I've ever done for myself. Ever. For so many years I filled a void and a hole in my heart with food and spending money on clothes, etc. But now, I'm learning how to control my eating and everthing else is getting easier to control as well.. Finallyyy.

So many good things have been happening/are coming up! I had a fabulous trip to Charlotte last weekend to celebrate the life of my best friend, Erin, which was fabulous!

This coming weekend is my "little" cousin Don and Julia's wedding, they are soo precious and I can't wait for that celebration! <3 As well as seeing all of my aunts & uncles, exciting that Debbie, Don, Sandy and Kyle will be here!

Of course, starting my new position in a couple of weeks will be exciting! Anxiety inducing, but exciting! I'm really sad to leave my current unit... as much as I'm not sad to leave my 1,000 cases behind, I'm leaving behind the best supervisor I've ever had and the best coworkers I've ever worked with. They really make me laugh on a daily basis, but I guess moving on is what I've go to do. Hopefully I'll have the same stroke of luck upstairs!.. even half would be nice.

There's really not much else to talk about... the exciting part is that I'm down to 189! I am so flippin happy about that! I've worked hard to get this far, and the fact that I only have 29lbs til I get to their goal and 49 til I get to mine.. makes it seem soo much more attainable! I've already knocked out 44 since surgery and 56 since last summer... what's another 29-49?? Pshhhh!

NMW,

<3

Jen's phone takes great pictures :) Most recent of me & G-Unit from 7/31/10