Beckskablog

Hey hey WIW!

Today's weight is 183!!!! Wowowowowow! Another 3 pounds! This is getting absurd! I never in a million years thought I'd be losing weight this rapidly. Honestly, I think my hard work and determination and getting my butt to the Y atleast 2-3 times a week, or walking around the neighborhood with Mom is starting to reallyyy give me results! Instead of gaining muscle and seeming to plateu, I'm now continuing to gain muscle, but burn fat at the same time! Finallyyyy! Yayayay! This is the stage I've been waiting for!

I feel so incredibly good about myself these days. I'm actually starting to see how green the grass is on the other side! Why? Because I'm already ON the other side! The other side of 100 pounds away from my overall goal! I've officially lost 50 pounds since surgery!!! Another 50 and I'll be at 133 - woah! I'm 75% of the way to where I'm expected to be - my first goal - 165! Makes me so happy!

And people are definitely taking note. A lot of the people who see me alll the time even recognize the transformation, even my roommate who sees me everyday! Speaking of roommates, Kelly is the best ex roomie ever (how's that? :))!

People at work stop me in the hall to tell me how great I look and I still find it hard to believe when people call me "skinny!" A word that has never been in my vocab unless describing people I'm jealous of ;)

I've really started finding myself again, and that has started with letting go. Letting go of all the things that have held me back for soo long. I had a longg chat filled with lots of tears and laughter with my wonderful Mother on Sunday.. something I think I should do every single Sunday from here on out! She put so much in perspective for me and helped me to realize how much I've matured without even realizing it's happened.

At the ripe old age of 25 I'm truly beginning to realize what I deserve and what I want out of this life. I'm to the point now where I enjoy hanging out with my friends as much as possible, but at the same time, I long for stability and for the life that the other half of my friends have. Mom and I both daydream of me getting married, starting a family and going through all of the things that so many people already have, but we also realize that in order to find happiness, I have to let go of the things that tied me down - the self hate that I placed upon my body, the negative body images that I've always had, and the overall obscured view of the beauty that I have always had inside.

I'm just going to keep soul searching, as exhausting as it can be at times, and quit soulmate searching, because that's just something I have to leave up to fate - and anyone who may want to play matchmaker.. just sayin ;)

My new job starts next Monday and I couldn't be more excited! Matt has e-mailed me to get information necessary to complete the move form and so everything is getting really real! The past 2 years have been incredibly stressful job-wise, but I've learned soo much about myself, my goals and my ability to overcome and exceed expectations. I've gotten this caseload caught up and ahead, and while some things (ehhem.. filing.. sorry Ryan) have gone to the wayside, I've really learned how to organize myself so that I can get things done efficiently.

I have met so many wonderful people in this job and I've worked with people who I felt truly deserved my time, attention, and help through some of the most difficult times of their lives. While some days I felt like I was being taken for granted, accosted or telephonically abused, I look back on this start to my career with nothing but gratitude and respect for those who will continue to do casework to the best of their ability. It's a hard job and it's not for the weak of heart!

I know that I can move into this new position with newfound confidence, not only in myself physically and able bodylied (?, I just made that up.), but in my ability to learn new programs, new policies and new ways of working with the public and helping them to get through rough patches. I know that if I can manage a caseload of 1,067, I can do anything and I realize that I didn't know everything on day 1 or day 365 or whatever today is. I am prepared for the learning process and I know that this change will be so healthy for me and my new self! I'm scared but extremely excited!

Andddd, that's all folks!

NMW,
<3