So this morning when I weighed I was DOWN 2 pounds from last week! Yessss! If you're keeping track.. ha! of course you are, if not you wouldn't be reading this! that puts me at 175, 70 pounds from my highest weight of 245 and 58 pounds lighter than I was on my surgery date! It absolutely blows my mind that I've been able to lose 58 pounds in 11 months (and a day). Never ever ever did I consider myself the little engine that could!
I can't even begin to tell you how accomplished I feel. Words can't describe it. To know that I have done this for myself is the best feeling in the world. To be happy to announce my weight is something I never could've imagined myself doing. On the occasion that I catch Biggest Loser I am in awe of the courage of those contestants to stand on the scale week after week to be broadcast to our entire nation. I suppose I'm doing the same, but on a much smaller scale (PUN INTENDED!).
I can kinda sorta almost imagine what that must feel like. Granted they get hoots and hollars when they lose 1, 5, 10 or 20 (soo unhealthy!) pounds that week.. but on the other hand, when they maintain or gain there is either a sigh of disappointment or nothing at all.. crickets. I haven't watched it in a couple of weeks, but having watched it over the years, it's usually the same. I mean, I realize that some of these are rigged (Mom and I went to see two former contestants speak a few years ago and they hinted that producers may or may not have encouraged them to drink water prior to weigh in... for dramatic effect.) Nonetheless, they eventually lose a ton of weight!
Before my last appointment, I had maintained for 4 months. Four excruciating months. That was extremely difficult for me to handle. Don't get me wrong, I was very excited about losing as much as I have, and being able to maintain.. I was getting quite antsy and nervous that it was the end for me and my weightloss. Luckily I was wrong, but if you were in my shoes, you'd be anxious about it too! I can admit it now that I'm over the plateau... but honestly.. I was absolutely terrified. I just kept telling myself, I'm not done yet! This can't be the end, this just isn't good enough! I absolutely have to lose at least 10 more pounds or I'll be a huge disappointement to my doctors, and to myself. Wow. What the heck Beck?
As I write this I realize just how crazy my thoughts had become... and mind you this is all within the past few months. I haven't re-read my entries, but I imagine there was some sort of pattern. I assure you that I am always completely honest when I write this blog, but I may not have been completely honest with myself. I was disappointed every time I stepped on the scale to see it not budge. I can't tell you how many times I would step on, step off, step back on... just to see if it was reading wrong. As much progress as I know, and can tell myself a million times, I have made.. that's just the reality of this journey. Alas, setbacks, stalls, maintainments and losses are what make milestones so exciting!
Work has been kind of a rollercoaster this week.. we've started the re-issuance process so my phone hasn't blown up quite as much.. although I've still been in high demand. I must say that it will be kind of a blow to my ego when people aren't so eager to get in touch with me anymore. But no doubt, a huge relief! The other program is still going full steam ahead.. with no break in sight for the near future. (To give you some background/insight.. one of the programs I work with assists our community with their heating/cooling bills.. and the seasons change incredibly quickly these days!)
I went to a meeting this morning with my boss, and his boss as well as the Salvation Army VIPs.. the Major being one of them! That's right. I'm high-falootin now! My boss' boss announced to them that she will be retiring in June/July and that I will be taking over fully, more so than I already have. Exciting/scary/holy crap. The manager of our program at the SA we work with as well as my boss' boss were talking about how well I've done so far and that I barely ask any questions and that I have started making executive decisions that she agrees with and would've made the same herself. It was a total ego boost that I greatly needed! A pay boost would be great too... but I can't be too greedy!
Generally... life is good. I really only think about my weight on Wednesdays and I don't cry nearly as much. My relationship with my parents has gotten better, tenfold. My relationship with everyone, I think, has gotten better. Those who I'm surrounded by have reminded me why I have such a big heart.. because I have a lot of people to love, and a lot of love to give. Sometimes it's not reciprocated, but to those I say shame on you, you'll rue the day you let me slip away. I have started to love myself as much as I love those that I love. And I've realized that if I put as much energy and compassion into my relationship with myself as I do with others, there's no way I can go back down the path of self-loathing that I was on circa Summer 09.
I'm spending the night at the Samaritan Inn tonight. I'm a bit nervous about what to expect.. all I know is that I'll serve dinner and breakfast, help with check-in/out, answer phones and watch the security monitor for two hours! I look forward to talking to the people there, and maybe even seeing some familiar faces that I see in my line of work. Regardless, I know I'll feel rewarded when I leave in the morning and I hope the Lord has something great in store for me and those I meet tonight.
NMW,
<3
March 23, 2010 my life changed in an amazing way. This is my Lap-Band (weight loss surgery) experience from start to present...
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
WIW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....!!!!!!!!!!
329 days ago I had Lap Band surgery.
329 days ago I weighed approximately 233 pounds.
329 days ago my BMI was 45.
Today I weigh 177 pounds.
Today I have a BMI of 32.
Today I am 85% of the way to the standard goal of a Lap Band patient - 165 pounds (2-3 year goal, mind you!)
From my highest weight I have lost 68 pounds. Since surgery I have lost 56 pounds. My BMI has decreased by 13. I am over the moon excited about this!
When I went to see Fuzz on Thursday, my weight that morning was 181. At my last appointment in October it had been 183. I was really disappointed in only a 2 pound weight loss but they were very encouraging and reminded me of the progress I've made so far and that I'm wayy on track according to what they would hope to see from a patient in 11 months.. so that's good!
I explained to both Fuzz and Jeff that I felt like I've been more hungry than I should be lately, especially in the morning, and that I felt like I "could" eat more than I "should." They both said that I should get "tweaked" so Fuzz put another .5cc's in my band. He also pointed out to me that I haven't had any fluid added since July! Wow, no wonder I was getting hungry! I'm sure over that time period my band loosened up a bit, so although I was at my sweet spot for a while, my sweet spot eventually went back to the red zone! But I do think I'm at my new sweet spot now!
This morning I weighed 177! That may seem like only a 2 pound weightloss WIW-wise, but in reality it's 4 pounds in a week. WOW! I think I was kidding myself when I said "no change" because, somehow a couple of pounds crept up on there and I disregarded them as "bloat" or something.. who knows! It was just easier to keep the status quo mentality that I'd had for the past couple of months. None the less, this show is back on the road!
Since the fill I can definitely tell a difference, and the band is most definitely doing it's job. I was on a liquid diet for two days then soft foods for two days, now I'm back to "regular" foods. Saturday morning I made scrambled eggs.. thinking that would be soft.. right? Wrong. I ate like two bites and was DONE! Haha. I stuck to yogurt after that. So obviously, no wonder I lost 4 pounds so quickly.. but again.. this is the point of the Lap Band! Not to be able to eat the same amount I could before my surgery!
I understand where my frustrations were coming from, but I kinda hate that it took me so long to get back in there to see them. I think I let my pride get in the way, even though I knew I needed a tweak, I was kind of embarassed I guess? It's like getting a progress report when you know you had a bad test grade. But I sucked it up and went in there and got so much positive feedback from them. The nurse who weighed me could tell I was disappointed (maybe because my eyes swelled up with tears in .2 seconds.. bless it.) and quickly said, Well Becky, you LOST 2 pounds. You didn't GAIN 2 pounds, look at it that way! Between her, Jeff and Fuzz, I was on cloud 9 by the time I left the office. I felt a sense of confidence I had long been lacking!
A lot of things happened right before my plateau started, and some of them I'm still dealing with, or just overcoming. This feels like a turning point in my life. I definitely feel like good things are happening and are going to happen in the near future.. I hope my gut instinct is right, because I could sure use a shift of winds and a positive change in luck! I'll always have obstacles, but I'm learning how to deal with them on my own rather than just doll them up or muffle them and sweep them under the rug, hoping they'll just go away.
I found one of my journals that I kept when I was in college. Oh, my life! One thing I can say is that I haven't changed a bit in the past 8-ish years. It was pretty precious reading my heart-spilling diary and looking back on how things ended up or didn't.. and of course, always for the best. One thing that made me feel amazing was reading the things that one guy said about me. One that I was pretty sure I was in love with, but just couldn't bring myself to accept, mainly for fear of others' opinions. He had told me that I was one of the happiest people he had ever met and that when we were in a crowd I always had something positive thing to say, among other things that only my closest friends or my family would know about me and pick up on.
When I was 18 I didn't believe him. At 26 I do. I've done a lot and seen a lot and felt a million different things since then, but one thing I've held onto is my positivity. Yes, I may have made up that word, but it's the only way I can describe it. If I had a motto it would be "positivity is the key." I let that slip away the past few months, and although I kept thinking it was coming back, my life was paused for a few months. In a few different ways. It's been like a CD that's skipping.. you think it's going to work, but, oh.. nope, just kidding! Now, I think I've finally hit play and I'm ready to move on with things from this point forward! I'm on the right track.
This week I've regained confidence. I've found that spark within myself again. The independent one. The one put my own happiness first is NOT dependent on a man to make me feel that way. I realize that someday when I'm married, I'll be dependent on my husband to some extent, and vise versa, but I will never NEED him to make me truly happy. That is evident in the amount of friends I have who make me laugh til I cry on a regular basis. They make me happy, so it's not up to just one guy to do so! That's a balance that I've not been able to make for a while, but I feel so bad for myself for having felt that way! What a shame! That said, I feared the worst, but had a wonderful Valentines Day!
Work has been a bit easier as well. A lot of people have come and gotten their checks, and they love me when I tell them I have it! The others... well... I'll deal with them when I figure out how. But, my kindness-killing has worked, and I've only had to get snippy with one lady who just wouldn't let me speak! The nerve!
Life is, just that... life. I'm dealing with things as they come to fruition and making the most of crappy situations! I am beyondddd blessed to have such an amazing family. I know I've said it a million times, but they are the kind of family who will do anything for you. Any of them will stand on their head for an hour if it means they're helping me. They have gone to great lengths to support me through one of the most difficult battles I've ever, and will ever face, and they have done so in stride, without ever expecting anything in return, other than, of course, my gratitude ;) I don't know how I'll ever repay them, but I hope that my words have some weight to them. I know this is something we'll never fully recover from, but the fact that they haven't changed their opinions speaks volumes to their character. Speaking of which, mine has changed a lot just in the past 6 months.. definitely for the better.
I'm glad that I'm finally growing up, and although I've made mistake after mistake after mistake.. and there are bound to be more minor ones at some point in my future.. I know that I will always, always, come out on top, because that is how I was raised. Not that it justifies my mistakes, but to say that I learn from them isn't enough. I grow from them. I may never make the same mistake twice or I may make the same one 8947 times before I realize that it gets the same result, but either way, when I do learn, I grow. I'm glad I'm growing UP and not growing OUT anymore ;) Although I'll never make it past 5'2"...
I'm so excited that I am only 2 pounds away from the 70 pound overall weightloss mark! How crazy is that? I never lost more than 15 pounds on a diet... and that was when I was in high school.. so I obviously gained it all back.. and then some.. and then some more! I've learned that I've got to work to make the band work. I've got to change things in order to see change. I can't just expect it to happen, I've got to actually be conscious of everything!
I've definitley been working out more, and even though I got frustrated that it wasn't helping me see results, I've still gone to Body Pump, if only once a week, for the past couple of weeks! It's the textbook definition of a love/hate relationship. The sets workout literally EVERY muscle in your body, and by like the 3rd song, my legs are generally trembling. It's SUCH a good workout though and I feel so much better when it's done!.. although I'm sore for a couple of days. I know I don't make it sound that appealing, but if you ever want to go, come with me :)
All that said, I'm really, honestly proud of myself, happy with my progress, and confident in my future. I've got my head in the game again, game face on, and I'm ready to plow through these next (what seems like bajillion) 30-some pounds just like I did the first 67!
Thank you to you, for the difference you've made in my life!
NMW,
<3
Recent pictures:
This may seem silly, but I'm excited that I can definitely feel and you can almost see my collar bones! Ok, maybe you can't tell.. but I can!
329 days ago I weighed approximately 233 pounds.
329 days ago my BMI was 45.
Today I weigh 177 pounds.
Today I have a BMI of 32.
Today I am 85% of the way to the standard goal of a Lap Band patient - 165 pounds (2-3 year goal, mind you!)
From my highest weight I have lost 68 pounds. Since surgery I have lost 56 pounds. My BMI has decreased by 13. I am over the moon excited about this!
When I went to see Fuzz on Thursday, my weight that morning was 181. At my last appointment in October it had been 183. I was really disappointed in only a 2 pound weight loss but they were very encouraging and reminded me of the progress I've made so far and that I'm wayy on track according to what they would hope to see from a patient in 11 months.. so that's good!
I explained to both Fuzz and Jeff that I felt like I've been more hungry than I should be lately, especially in the morning, and that I felt like I "could" eat more than I "should." They both said that I should get "tweaked" so Fuzz put another .5cc's in my band. He also pointed out to me that I haven't had any fluid added since July! Wow, no wonder I was getting hungry! I'm sure over that time period my band loosened up a bit, so although I was at my sweet spot for a while, my sweet spot eventually went back to the red zone! But I do think I'm at my new sweet spot now!
This morning I weighed 177! That may seem like only a 2 pound weightloss WIW-wise, but in reality it's 4 pounds in a week. WOW! I think I was kidding myself when I said "no change" because, somehow a couple of pounds crept up on there and I disregarded them as "bloat" or something.. who knows! It was just easier to keep the status quo mentality that I'd had for the past couple of months. None the less, this show is back on the road!
Since the fill I can definitely tell a difference, and the band is most definitely doing it's job. I was on a liquid diet for two days then soft foods for two days, now I'm back to "regular" foods. Saturday morning I made scrambled eggs.. thinking that would be soft.. right? Wrong. I ate like two bites and was DONE! Haha. I stuck to yogurt after that. So obviously, no wonder I lost 4 pounds so quickly.. but again.. this is the point of the Lap Band! Not to be able to eat the same amount I could before my surgery!
I understand where my frustrations were coming from, but I kinda hate that it took me so long to get back in there to see them. I think I let my pride get in the way, even though I knew I needed a tweak, I was kind of embarassed I guess? It's like getting a progress report when you know you had a bad test grade. But I sucked it up and went in there and got so much positive feedback from them. The nurse who weighed me could tell I was disappointed (maybe because my eyes swelled up with tears in .2 seconds.. bless it.) and quickly said, Well Becky, you LOST 2 pounds. You didn't GAIN 2 pounds, look at it that way! Between her, Jeff and Fuzz, I was on cloud 9 by the time I left the office. I felt a sense of confidence I had long been lacking!
A lot of things happened right before my plateau started, and some of them I'm still dealing with, or just overcoming. This feels like a turning point in my life. I definitely feel like good things are happening and are going to happen in the near future.. I hope my gut instinct is right, because I could sure use a shift of winds and a positive change in luck! I'll always have obstacles, but I'm learning how to deal with them on my own rather than just doll them up or muffle them and sweep them under the rug, hoping they'll just go away.
I found one of my journals that I kept when I was in college. Oh, my life! One thing I can say is that I haven't changed a bit in the past 8-ish years. It was pretty precious reading my heart-spilling diary and looking back on how things ended up or didn't.. and of course, always for the best. One thing that made me feel amazing was reading the things that one guy said about me. One that I was pretty sure I was in love with, but just couldn't bring myself to accept, mainly for fear of others' opinions. He had told me that I was one of the happiest people he had ever met and that when we were in a crowd I always had something positive thing to say, among other things that only my closest friends or my family would know about me and pick up on.
When I was 18 I didn't believe him. At 26 I do. I've done a lot and seen a lot and felt a million different things since then, but one thing I've held onto is my positivity. Yes, I may have made up that word, but it's the only way I can describe it. If I had a motto it would be "positivity is the key." I let that slip away the past few months, and although I kept thinking it was coming back, my life was paused for a few months. In a few different ways. It's been like a CD that's skipping.. you think it's going to work, but, oh.. nope, just kidding! Now, I think I've finally hit play and I'm ready to move on with things from this point forward! I'm on the right track.
This week I've regained confidence. I've found that spark within myself again. The independent one. The one put my own happiness first is NOT dependent on a man to make me feel that way. I realize that someday when I'm married, I'll be dependent on my husband to some extent, and vise versa, but I will never NEED him to make me truly happy. That is evident in the amount of friends I have who make me laugh til I cry on a regular basis. They make me happy, so it's not up to just one guy to do so! That's a balance that I've not been able to make for a while, but I feel so bad for myself for having felt that way! What a shame! That said, I feared the worst, but had a wonderful Valentines Day!
Work has been a bit easier as well. A lot of people have come and gotten their checks, and they love me when I tell them I have it! The others... well... I'll deal with them when I figure out how. But, my kindness-killing has worked, and I've only had to get snippy with one lady who just wouldn't let me speak! The nerve!
Life is, just that... life. I'm dealing with things as they come to fruition and making the most of crappy situations! I am beyondddd blessed to have such an amazing family. I know I've said it a million times, but they are the kind of family who will do anything for you. Any of them will stand on their head for an hour if it means they're helping me. They have gone to great lengths to support me through one of the most difficult battles I've ever, and will ever face, and they have done so in stride, without ever expecting anything in return, other than, of course, my gratitude ;) I don't know how I'll ever repay them, but I hope that my words have some weight to them. I know this is something we'll never fully recover from, but the fact that they haven't changed their opinions speaks volumes to their character. Speaking of which, mine has changed a lot just in the past 6 months.. definitely for the better.
I'm glad that I'm finally growing up, and although I've made mistake after mistake after mistake.. and there are bound to be more minor ones at some point in my future.. I know that I will always, always, come out on top, because that is how I was raised. Not that it justifies my mistakes, but to say that I learn from them isn't enough. I grow from them. I may never make the same mistake twice or I may make the same one 8947 times before I realize that it gets the same result, but either way, when I do learn, I grow. I'm glad I'm growing UP and not growing OUT anymore ;) Although I'll never make it past 5'2"...
I'm so excited that I am only 2 pounds away from the 70 pound overall weightloss mark! How crazy is that? I never lost more than 15 pounds on a diet... and that was when I was in high school.. so I obviously gained it all back.. and then some.. and then some more! I've learned that I've got to work to make the band work. I've got to change things in order to see change. I can't just expect it to happen, I've got to actually be conscious of everything!
I've definitley been working out more, and even though I got frustrated that it wasn't helping me see results, I've still gone to Body Pump, if only once a week, for the past couple of weeks! It's the textbook definition of a love/hate relationship. The sets workout literally EVERY muscle in your body, and by like the 3rd song, my legs are generally trembling. It's SUCH a good workout though and I feel so much better when it's done!.. although I'm sore for a couple of days. I know I don't make it sound that appealing, but if you ever want to go, come with me :)
All that said, I'm really, honestly proud of myself, happy with my progress, and confident in my future. I've got my head in the game again, game face on, and I'm ready to plow through these next (what seems like bajillion) 30-some pounds just like I did the first 67!
Thank you to you, for the difference you've made in my life!
NMW,
<3
Recent pictures:
This may seem silly, but I'm excited that I can definitely feel and you can almost see my collar bones! Ok, maybe you can't tell.. but I can!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
WIW I'll cry if I want to!
WIW is here again... and has come and gone with no change. Bleh. Thank goodness my appt with Fuzz is tomorrow, because I have got to get over this hump!! It's driving me crazy. Even though I'm close to their goal for me, I'm just not ready to settle. I've still got a ways to go in my opinion!
I'm not sure what he'll say, whether he'll think we need to add more fluid to the band or take some out.. but one way or the other, something's going to change, by gosh! My coworker had her surgery yesterday morning, first thing! I am so excited for her. I don't many people are nearly as enthusiastic or get as excited as I do about things... but this is huge to me and I am ecstatic for her!
I know I said I wasn't going to get personal in this blog anymore, but there's so much on my heart and on my mind that I just have to get out before I explode (oh wait.. that just happened.. in my car.. on my lunch break.. I screamed until I felt a little better... I could go for more.)
My job is taking it's toll on me this week.. not that I don't still love the position I'm in, it's just the nitty gritty that gets to me.. the incessant phone calls and the "gimme gimme gimme" attitude of the clients who are, ironically, fortunate enough to get energy assistance checks. Some people don't qualify for various reasons, but the ones who do have taken entitlement to a whole new level. I was warned of this, but my gosh.. they're vultures I tell you! People never cease to amaze me. Even in the line of work I'm in and even though I studied sociology, people still find ways to lower my faith in society.
I'm not surprised that the one person that I thought could, in no way shape or form, ever hurt me any more than they already have, found a way to do so. This wouldn't be surprising to most everyone in my life, but it came in the form that it always does, only this time, it was a little too close to home. Ha. I just hate the fact that I am soo naive when it comes to who I associate with, but I'll tell you one thing, it's really hard to make me mad, and as Ash W would put it: Don't wake her up. Don't talk to a guy she likes or has dated. She knows me too well ;) But I'm just sayin.. do people even think before they act these days? They keep secrets from you to spare your feelings, but they have to know that the bomb is eventually going to explode, and when it does, they can't expect it to just dissipate immediately. I'm rambling. I'm going to save this topic for my bff and roommate tonight.
Speaking of my roommate! I have a new one! And she's sweet as molasses, but just as quick witted and fiesty as I am. Two peas in a pod. I just lovee Ms. Annie, and the fact that I get to see Bahnie's kids every once in a while when she's working and brings them over! Neither of us can cook, but we've got sloppy joes down like pros.
Life is slowing down some, which I like. I think all my rowdy friends have settled down, and I'm quite content with that. I'm facing a lot of uphill battles right now, so my social life definitely needs to be on the back burner anyway.
I may post more after my appt tomorrow.. depending on my mood... right now I am just processing and dealing with things as they come.. which isn't always easy! I hate to be a debbie downer so I'm just going to gather up my tears, put 'em in my pocket, save 'em for a time when I'm really gonna need 'em.. as the Band Perry would so eloquently put it.
le sigh...
NMW,
<3
I'm not sure what he'll say, whether he'll think we need to add more fluid to the band or take some out.. but one way or the other, something's going to change, by gosh! My coworker had her surgery yesterday morning, first thing! I am so excited for her. I don't many people are nearly as enthusiastic or get as excited as I do about things... but this is huge to me and I am ecstatic for her!
I know I said I wasn't going to get personal in this blog anymore, but there's so much on my heart and on my mind that I just have to get out before I explode (oh wait.. that just happened.. in my car.. on my lunch break.. I screamed until I felt a little better... I could go for more.)
My job is taking it's toll on me this week.. not that I don't still love the position I'm in, it's just the nitty gritty that gets to me.. the incessant phone calls and the "gimme gimme gimme" attitude of the clients who are, ironically, fortunate enough to get energy assistance checks. Some people don't qualify for various reasons, but the ones who do have taken entitlement to a whole new level. I was warned of this, but my gosh.. they're vultures I tell you! People never cease to amaze me. Even in the line of work I'm in and even though I studied sociology, people still find ways to lower my faith in society.
I'm not surprised that the one person that I thought could, in no way shape or form, ever hurt me any more than they already have, found a way to do so. This wouldn't be surprising to most everyone in my life, but it came in the form that it always does, only this time, it was a little too close to home. Ha. I just hate the fact that I am soo naive when it comes to who I associate with, but I'll tell you one thing, it's really hard to make me mad, and as Ash W would put it: Don't wake her up. Don't talk to a guy she likes or has dated. She knows me too well ;) But I'm just sayin.. do people even think before they act these days? They keep secrets from you to spare your feelings, but they have to know that the bomb is eventually going to explode, and when it does, they can't expect it to just dissipate immediately. I'm rambling. I'm going to save this topic for my bff and roommate tonight.
Speaking of my roommate! I have a new one! And she's sweet as molasses, but just as quick witted and fiesty as I am. Two peas in a pod. I just lovee Ms. Annie, and the fact that I get to see Bahnie's kids every once in a while when she's working and brings them over! Neither of us can cook, but we've got sloppy joes down like pros.
Life is slowing down some, which I like. I think all my rowdy friends have settled down, and I'm quite content with that. I'm facing a lot of uphill battles right now, so my social life definitely needs to be on the back burner anyway.
I may post more after my appt tomorrow.. depending on my mood... right now I am just processing and dealing with things as they come.. which isn't always easy! I hate to be a debbie downer so I'm just going to gather up my tears, put 'em in my pocket, save 'em for a time when I'm really gonna need 'em.. as the Band Perry would so eloquently put it.
le sigh...
NMW,
<3
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
WIW.. Fearfully & Wonderfully
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." ~ Psalm 139:13-16
The above passage has always been one of my very favorites. As many times as I've read it, today it made me cry. It's power and truth strike me to my core. I'm not sure when I realized that my body is a temple. I'm not sure I have realized it yet. Even now when I look at my body in mirror I have unrealistic views of what it should look like, will look like, or would've looked like had I never gained the weight I did. I wonder what it would be like to have been average sized my whole entire life. Easy? I doubt that. Easier? Most definitely.
I'll be the first to admit that I have a distorted body image. I always have. When I was 245 pounds I was in complete denial. I really thought I looked fine, and people would tell me that I carried my weight well, that they wouldn't have guessed I weighed that much. I didn't want to believe I did! It's hard to remember that I have come a long way from that girl. For goodness sakes I've lost 65 pounds since then. (Oh, by the way... I haven't lost this week. My appt is in 8 days.. but who's counting?) But as soon as I start to pat myself on the back, I think.. wait.. I'm still not to my goal yet... and this plateu crap is for the birds.. I've got to keep going so that I can be completely happy with my body when I look in the mirror. Which brings me to my next topic: support.
I have the utmost wonderful support group EVER. Each of you has helped me in ways you don't even realize. Whether it be sacrificing your favorite restaurant or meal so that we can eat somewhere or something "Becky friendly" or dragging my butt to the gym when I whine and say I just don't wanna. Sometimes you drop compliments without even realizing it or without even knowing that I'm having a down day. There are a million ways that you as my family and friends support me, and for that I am eternally grateful (like a broken record... but I don't know how else to put it.)!
That said, there came a point where I realized that I needed peer mediation. Thanks to one of my coworkers who is having LapBand sugery with Fuzz next week (!!!!!.. we'll get to that later!) I decided to go to the Weight Loss Surgery Support Group meeting.. I had never been as a post-op.. only as an inquisitive pre-op patient. The first 45 minutes consist of a small group of those of us who have the Band. I only know like two other people who have ever had the Band, so talking to them and comparing notes was so nice. Not to mention, seeing my favorite psychologist, Dr. Smith! I expressed my frustration with the plateu and he asked the group how many of them had ever had a 3 month plateu.. everyone raised their hands. It made me feel so much better. Like.. I'm not crazy and I'm not doing something wrong!
The second part was a general meeting with everyone who has had weight loss surgery and Dr. Fernandez (Fuzz) came by for a bit! Incase you weren't aware, I caught the nasty stomach bug that was going around. It hit me last Monday night and I was "throwing up" (I won't go into detail, but it's a whole new ballgame) or basically dry heaving from 8pm-5am. UGH. I was able to ask Fuzz about this, because I was scared to death my band was going to slip and the last thing I want is for them to have to go back in and fix it! Yuck! His advice was to take the phenegrine that I still have from after surgery or ask them to call in a prescription asap so as to avoid such a catastrophe! Good to know... I haven't felt any different since then, so I'm guessing there was no slippage! Whew.
Okay, so anyway, speaking of that meeting, my friend Gina from work went with me. She came to me a few months ago, maybe Sept or October-ish? and asked me about my surgery because she was interested in having it. I told her everything I did (just as my lovely mentor, Molly, did for me!) and what steps she should take in order to find out if this was her best option. She did everything and her surgery is scheduled for next Tuesday! I can't tell you how excited I am for her. And to know that my progress and hardwork are what made her decide to have the procedure is just indescribable. I've never in my life been seen as a role model for weight loss. Everrrr. It kind of.. almost.. starts to put things in perspective.
I mean, I know how much I've sacrificed and I know all of the good, bad and ugly things I've gone through in the past 10 months.. but for someone else to say, you make me want to have this surgery so that I can get my weight and my health under control almost makes me in awe of myself. Not in a cocky, look what I can do, way, but in an... I'm worthy of this way.
I can't believe it's been almost a year. It literally shocks me. I passed the 1 year expected weight loss mark a while back, so I can be happy about that, but I have an insatiable urge to make it to my personal goal. I'm not giving myself an unrealistic time line for that, but definitely within the next few months - 1 year max.
I keep trying to keep this less personal, but I'm such an open book that it's hard for me not to delve into my innermost feeilngs and throw it all out here! It makes me feel better most times... other times it just makes me feel completely vulnerable... catch 22!
My sister and I have been trying different classes at the Y! Having been a couch potatoe for most of my life it occurred to me the other day that I have tried 4 different classes in like 6 months! Hip hop, Zumba, Step Up and Body Pump! Hip hop & Zumba were funnn, Step Up was ridiculously hard and I may never step foot in that class again, and Body Pump is probably my very most favorite! We have a love/hate relationship. This class literally hits everythingggg. It's day 3 and I'm still sore, but going to work it out tonight.. just not in that class! I think I have a once a week Body Pump minimum until I can work up to twice! I'm going to be ripped if I keep this up! ;)
Works been great.... if you enjoy having 32 missed calls when you get back from a day off for jury duty.... I'm not sure what part of "first couple of weeks in February" says the 1st or 2nd day of the month, but these people want their checks! I can't blame them... I want their checks!
Now I'm just rambling.... today is Buster's birthday. The dog we got when I was hmm.. 7? 8? and had until I was 22. Granted, it's been almost 3.5 years since he died, but if you know me, you know how sentimental I am. That dog was literally a part of the family. Without even knowing it he could turn my day around with an exuberant jump.. or attempt at a jump in the later days.. Even when he drove me crazy, he still made me laugh! I la la la loved him, and I still do :)
NMW,
<3
The above passage has always been one of my very favorites. As many times as I've read it, today it made me cry. It's power and truth strike me to my core. I'm not sure when I realized that my body is a temple. I'm not sure I have realized it yet. Even now when I look at my body in mirror I have unrealistic views of what it should look like, will look like, or would've looked like had I never gained the weight I did. I wonder what it would be like to have been average sized my whole entire life. Easy? I doubt that. Easier? Most definitely.
I'll be the first to admit that I have a distorted body image. I always have. When I was 245 pounds I was in complete denial. I really thought I looked fine, and people would tell me that I carried my weight well, that they wouldn't have guessed I weighed that much. I didn't want to believe I did! It's hard to remember that I have come a long way from that girl. For goodness sakes I've lost 65 pounds since then. (Oh, by the way... I haven't lost this week. My appt is in 8 days.. but who's counting?) But as soon as I start to pat myself on the back, I think.. wait.. I'm still not to my goal yet... and this plateu crap is for the birds.. I've got to keep going so that I can be completely happy with my body when I look in the mirror. Which brings me to my next topic: support.
I have the utmost wonderful support group EVER. Each of you has helped me in ways you don't even realize. Whether it be sacrificing your favorite restaurant or meal so that we can eat somewhere or something "Becky friendly" or dragging my butt to the gym when I whine and say I just don't wanna. Sometimes you drop compliments without even realizing it or without even knowing that I'm having a down day. There are a million ways that you as my family and friends support me, and for that I am eternally grateful (like a broken record... but I don't know how else to put it.)!
That said, there came a point where I realized that I needed peer mediation. Thanks to one of my coworkers who is having LapBand sugery with Fuzz next week (!!!!!.. we'll get to that later!) I decided to go to the Weight Loss Surgery Support Group meeting.. I had never been as a post-op.. only as an inquisitive pre-op patient. The first 45 minutes consist of a small group of those of us who have the Band. I only know like two other people who have ever had the Band, so talking to them and comparing notes was so nice. Not to mention, seeing my favorite psychologist, Dr. Smith! I expressed my frustration with the plateu and he asked the group how many of them had ever had a 3 month plateu.. everyone raised their hands. It made me feel so much better. Like.. I'm not crazy and I'm not doing something wrong!
The second part was a general meeting with everyone who has had weight loss surgery and Dr. Fernandez (Fuzz) came by for a bit! Incase you weren't aware, I caught the nasty stomach bug that was going around. It hit me last Monday night and I was "throwing up" (I won't go into detail, but it's a whole new ballgame) or basically dry heaving from 8pm-5am. UGH. I was able to ask Fuzz about this, because I was scared to death my band was going to slip and the last thing I want is for them to have to go back in and fix it! Yuck! His advice was to take the phenegrine that I still have from after surgery or ask them to call in a prescription asap so as to avoid such a catastrophe! Good to know... I haven't felt any different since then, so I'm guessing there was no slippage! Whew.
Okay, so anyway, speaking of that meeting, my friend Gina from work went with me. She came to me a few months ago, maybe Sept or October-ish? and asked me about my surgery because she was interested in having it. I told her everything I did (just as my lovely mentor, Molly, did for me!) and what steps she should take in order to find out if this was her best option. She did everything and her surgery is scheduled for next Tuesday! I can't tell you how excited I am for her. And to know that my progress and hardwork are what made her decide to have the procedure is just indescribable. I've never in my life been seen as a role model for weight loss. Everrrr. It kind of.. almost.. starts to put things in perspective.
I mean, I know how much I've sacrificed and I know all of the good, bad and ugly things I've gone through in the past 10 months.. but for someone else to say, you make me want to have this surgery so that I can get my weight and my health under control almost makes me in awe of myself. Not in a cocky, look what I can do, way, but in an... I'm worthy of this way.
I can't believe it's been almost a year. It literally shocks me. I passed the 1 year expected weight loss mark a while back, so I can be happy about that, but I have an insatiable urge to make it to my personal goal. I'm not giving myself an unrealistic time line for that, but definitely within the next few months - 1 year max.
I keep trying to keep this less personal, but I'm such an open book that it's hard for me not to delve into my innermost feeilngs and throw it all out here! It makes me feel better most times... other times it just makes me feel completely vulnerable... catch 22!
My sister and I have been trying different classes at the Y! Having been a couch potatoe for most of my life it occurred to me the other day that I have tried 4 different classes in like 6 months! Hip hop, Zumba, Step Up and Body Pump! Hip hop & Zumba were funnn, Step Up was ridiculously hard and I may never step foot in that class again, and Body Pump is probably my very most favorite! We have a love/hate relationship. This class literally hits everythingggg. It's day 3 and I'm still sore, but going to work it out tonight.. just not in that class! I think I have a once a week Body Pump minimum until I can work up to twice! I'm going to be ripped if I keep this up! ;)
Works been great.... if you enjoy having 32 missed calls when you get back from a day off for jury duty.... I'm not sure what part of "first couple of weeks in February" says the 1st or 2nd day of the month, but these people want their checks! I can't blame them... I want their checks!
Now I'm just rambling.... today is Buster's birthday. The dog we got when I was hmm.. 7? 8? and had until I was 22. Granted, it's been almost 3.5 years since he died, but if you know me, you know how sentimental I am. That dog was literally a part of the family. Without even knowing it he could turn my day around with an exuberant jump.. or attempt at a jump in the later days.. Even when he drove me crazy, he still made me laugh! I la la la loved him, and I still do :)
NMW,
<3
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