WIW.. on a Thursday.. with a milestone!

So this morning when I weighed I was DOWN 2 pounds from last week! Yessss! If you're keeping track.. ha! of course you are, if not you wouldn't be reading this! that puts me at 175, 70 pounds from my highest weight of 245 and 58 pounds lighter than I was on my surgery date! It absolutely blows my mind that I've been able to lose 58 pounds in 11 months (and a day). Never ever ever did I consider myself the little engine that could!

I can't even begin to tell you how accomplished I feel. Words can't describe it. To know that I have done this for myself is the best feeling in the world. To be happy to announce my weight is something I never could've imagined myself doing. On the occasion that I catch Biggest Loser I am in awe of the courage of those contestants to stand on the scale week after week to be broadcast to our entire nation. I suppose I'm doing the same, but on a much smaller scale (PUN INTENDED!).

I can kinda sorta almost imagine what that must feel like. Granted they get hoots and hollars when they lose 1, 5, 10 or 20 (soo unhealthy!) pounds that week.. but on the other hand, when they maintain or gain there is either a sigh of disappointment or nothing at all.. crickets. I haven't watched it in a couple of weeks, but having watched it over the years, it's usually the same. I mean, I realize that some of these are rigged (Mom and I went to see two former contestants speak a few years ago and they hinted that producers may or may not have encouraged them to drink water prior to weigh in... for dramatic effect.) Nonetheless, they eventually lose a ton of weight!

Before my last appointment, I had maintained for 4 months. Four excruciating months. That was extremely difficult for me to handle. Don't get me wrong, I was very excited about losing as much as I have, and being able to maintain.. I was getting quite antsy and nervous that it was the end for me and my weightloss. Luckily I was wrong, but if you were in my shoes, you'd be anxious about it too! I can admit it now that I'm over the plateau... but honestly.. I was absolutely terrified. I just kept telling myself, I'm not done yet! This can't be the end, this just isn't good enough! I absolutely have to lose at least 10 more pounds or I'll be a huge disappointement to my doctors, and to myself. Wow. What the heck Beck?

As I write this I realize just how crazy my thoughts had become... and mind you this is all within the past few months. I haven't re-read my entries, but I imagine there was some sort of pattern. I assure you that I am always completely honest when I write this blog, but I may not have been completely honest with myself. I was disappointed every time I stepped on the scale to see it not budge. I can't tell you how many times I would step on, step off, step back on... just to see if it was reading wrong. As much progress as I know, and can tell myself a million times, I have made.. that's just the reality of this journey. Alas, setbacks, stalls, maintainments and losses are what make milestones so exciting!

Work has been kind of a rollercoaster this week.. we've started the re-issuance process so my phone hasn't blown up quite as much.. although I've still been in high demand. I must say that it will be kind of a blow to my ego when people aren't so eager to get in touch with me anymore. But no doubt, a huge relief! The other program is still going full steam ahead.. with no break in sight for the near future. (To give you some background/insight.. one of the programs I work with assists our community with their heating/cooling bills.. and the seasons change incredibly quickly these days!)

I went to a meeting this morning with my boss, and his boss as well as the Salvation Army VIPs.. the Major being one of them! That's right. I'm high-falootin now! My boss' boss announced to them that she will be retiring in June/July and that I will be taking over fully, more so than I already have. Exciting/scary/holy crap. The manager of our program at the SA we work with as well as my boss' boss were talking about how well I've done so far and that I barely ask any questions and that I have started making executive decisions that she agrees with and would've made the same herself. It was a total ego boost that I greatly needed! A pay boost would be great too... but I can't be too greedy!

Generally... life is good. I really only think about my weight on Wednesdays and I don't cry nearly as much. My relationship with my parents has gotten better, tenfold. My relationship with everyone, I think, has gotten better. Those who I'm surrounded by have reminded me why I have such a big heart.. because I have a lot of people to love, and a lot of love to give. Sometimes it's not reciprocated, but to those I say shame on you, you'll rue the day you let me slip away. I have started to love myself as much as I love those that I love. And I've realized that if I put as much energy and compassion into my relationship with myself as I do with others, there's no way I can go back down the path of self-loathing that I was on circa Summer 09.

I'm spending the night at the Samaritan Inn tonight. I'm a bit nervous about what to expect.. all I know is that I'll serve dinner and breakfast, help with check-in/out, answer phones and watch the security monitor for two hours! I look forward to talking to the people there, and maybe even seeing some familiar faces that I see in my line of work. Regardless, I know I'll feel rewarded when I leave in the morning and I hope the Lord has something great in store for me and those I meet tonight.

NMW,

<3