Lookatchu! Gettin all slim and junk! Bustin up in the 160's like it ain't no thang. Whoop whoop! You have come sooo far. For realz. In less than 13 months you're almost AT your 36 month goal, boo! GETCHU SOME!
Okay okay, in all seriousness, you're amazing. How many times have you heard that word in the past year? It never gets old. Funny how that works. It's not like compliments were all that scarce before, but they were different. They mostly pertained to material posessions and inner beauty, don'tcha think? Now it's like you're finally being seen from the outside - in.. if that makes any sense. Like, the outside it starting to match the inside. Sure it's not perfect, it never will be, it's not supposed to be. It's unique and it's got flaws but it's still got a lot of cushioning for your heart. ;)
Your heart. Oh my. It's crazy what you've put it through. It's brilliant and it's disturbing, it's wrenching and it's inspiring. It's been busted into a million pieces, but somehow it always manages to mend itself, maybe it takes a while, but none the less, resilience is bountiful. This is probably the only part of your body you're okay with not losing.
Remember how scared you were that your personality would change? I don't think you have a thing to worry about. I honestly believe you've only become more happy and your true self has started to shine even more. Sure you still make mistakes and can probably be annoying sometimes, but whatevs. It makes you human. I'm glad that you don't spend nearly as much time moping and feeling sorry for yourself. You used to pull that crap a lot.
Numerous hours have been saved from complaining about your body constantly. You've grown to appreciate your curves, as they're not quite so badonkadonk-ish. Remember when you hated your body? You wouldn't admit it, but you did. Seems like just yesterday. Remember looking at strangers who were bigger (or maybe the same size or smaller than your in denial self!) than you, and thinking.... "I hope I don't look like that," or "I hope I don't get that big." Shame. On. You. I mean, you have to appreciate your honesty. But jeez. How rude!
There's no telling how many people looked at you that way when you were at 245. Who knows? Who cares? Maybe they still do! Sooo whatttt. They deserve it if they do. ;) Wonder how many people hope to look like you now? That's something to think about. It's funny, when you quit judging yourself, you quit judging others. It was like a lightbulb. You quit blaming yourself for being overweight, so you quit blaming others for being overweight. You realized that everyone has a story, and that it's not up to you to decide whether they "got themselves into the predicament," or not. Maybe they're fast food junkies, but you DON'T KNOW THAT! Assume = ass + u + me. I'm so glad to see the turnaround you've made mentally, even if no one knows it but you.
Remember how you hoped to be able to play more with the babies and run around and not get winded? Check. The beach will be soo much fun this summer, and running around with Kaylee won't induce a comatose nap. The heat, maybe, but not because you're still so insulated. I guarantee you won't secretly hope that someone will want to drive the 2 blocks to the beach entrance rather than walk with all the "stuff." It won't bother you one bit! Bike rides with Dad? Okay! Wagon walks with Mason & Graham? Yes, please. The bathingsuits you have are too big now, woman, so go get some new ones! Seriously. Stop putting it off, it's not nearly as traumatizing as it used to be.
How exciting is it to SHOP now?!? Oh em gee. Loveeee it. Buying clothes is no longer a daunting task, is it? You can shop with Mom now, and not get into a knock down drag out fight, simply because you're about to burst into tears at any moment and taking it out on her. How bout those Seven for All Mankind jeans you got? For the win. This is the first pair you've ever owned, because they just don't make 'em for big girls. Sad, but true. They're super cute though, rock the hell out of them! Feel amazing in them, cause you're pretty precious when you're so confident wearing them! Not to mention that you're gearing up for summer, and pampering yourself a little to be sure that your nails & toes look fab. You deserve it!
Confident. That's a word you wouldn't have used to describe yourself very often before! Sure you had confidence in yourself in some ways, but not in your overall appearance. You've definitely gained this as you've lost your weight, and I'm so glad. There will always be days when you're lacking, but always let the good outweigh the bad. It's going to lead you to the man of your dreams one of these days... so keep smiling, pretty lady! Who cares that you haven't fallen deeply in love in the past year? You've been dating! How exciting!
Although you really don't let anyone in, someday you will. Someday you won't be scared of letting someone so close to your guarded heart, for fear that they'll drop it. One of these days someone will work so hard to tear down your walls that you won't even realize it's happening. That's when you'll know, it's not infatuation, it's not a love that will end, it's the one that's going to stick, forever. You won't have to fight for it and you won't constantly be waiting for the script to flip. You'll have one of those relationships that inspires you. Someday! Right now, you've got that goin within yourself!
How awesome have your friends been through all of this? Wow. Even the ones who were so scared for you to even have the procedure done. They still stuck by your side, and are incredibly proud of you, and it shows. They've all gone out of their way to encourage and support you, to cheer you on, and to pick you up when you were down. They never let you stay down too long, because there's always something to laugh about. That's the wonderful thing about surrounding yourself with people who are just like you. They get it. They're just like you in that they listen, advise, and commiserate.. but quickly lighten the mood with some humor. That right there is what makes your friends worthy of your company ;)
You're now the proud (understatement) Aunt Beck to the sweetest, most down to earth, easy to entertain, precioussss baby boy in all the land, and over the moon in love with him! Graham has changed your life in such a positive way. Believe it or not, your heart had and still has room to expand! It was hard to think you could love any more babies as much as you love Kaylee, but of course, like a parent, you know you would! The joy all of the babies bring you is what makes you... you. Everyone sees it. Keep being the best aunt you can possibly be, and embrace the fact that your heart is so ever-expanding. It'll come full circle one of these days!
Your entire family has been your rock through this whole process. They of course took care of you in the beginning, but they've been your #1 fans the whole entire time, without faltering. They've seen it all. The good, the bad, the ugly... and they're still so excited about the progress you've made. They enjoy the "GUESS WHAT!" e-mails about your weight, and I doubt they'll ever get tired of them! It's just as exciting to them as it is to you, lucky girl! The one who was a bit hesitant, of course, was your Dad, you'll always be his baby! But these days he calls just to say, "Way to go!" and gives you the extra push you need to perservere. Your family is the biggest blessing in your life, and luckily they always make themselves available if/when you need them! That is love.
Random, but one thing you didn't anticipate was how boney you'd become! How do skinny people stand it?? Just laying down on the ground to play airplane with Graham hurts your tailbone (not that it stops you from playing!) and makes you remember that you actually have one, it's not all cushion! And laying on your side, your hip bone is prominent... whodda thunk? But you still got some hips girrrrrl, they'd still be there if you were 110 pounds soakin wet. Oh, and your collarbone, let's not forget that. Your insatiable urge to be like your sister when you were younger still lingered in that area whether you realized it or not! Her collarbones are so pronounced (you've always been jeal, but she's just made that way, get over it!) that you wanted your to be too! Haha. Now they're surfacing, and the 12 year old in you wants a high five.
All of that said, you've come a long way kid. I know you're proud of yourself, but do you truuuuly pat yourself on the back as much as you should? Not when you're spilling your guts on the internet... not when you step on the scale and see an exciting change... not when sometone else points out your accomplishments to you... but when it's just you and your thoughts. Do you praise yourself enough internally and not overtly? I think that's important, so when you find that your wheels aren't spinning, take a second and make a mental note of how good you feel, versus how you felt, and embrace how far you've come. Don't ever forget how far you've come, or take it for granted just because you think you've won the battle. There will always be an internal war against food, and you're the only one on the front line.
I love you, the strong beautiful woman that you've always been, always will be, and are still becoming. You're going to go far in life, and I know that you'll only look back on all of this with a smile on your face, and a ton of supporters not in front of or behind you, but beside you. I think you just made yourself jealous of your own life... silly!
I love you Becky, past, present and future.
No. Matter. What.
<3
The most noticable change has got to be in your face. You smile bigger and your eyes aren't all squinched up from the chub ;) The dimple is augmented!
No comments:
Post a Comment