"God makes no mistakes."

I don't wanna talk about my weight today. Why? Because it didn't change, and I know if I do, I'll only feel judged, so I'm just going to go with what's in my heart right now.

It's not a coincidence that I had been "meaning to" read the book Heaven Is For Real, but finally checked it off my to-do list yesterday. It was the shaking of shoulders, banging of head on table, a-ha moment (or few hours, rather) that I needed. I purchased the book on Amazon for just a couple of dollars - I feel stingy after receiving so much more than I gave - and read it on my phone last night, until I was finished. I literally couldn't put it down, and if Colton, the boy whose experience was described in this book, lived down the street from me I'd probably annoy the crap out of him with incessant questions.

What I gained from reading this book was a quenched thirst. For so many years, as a strong believer in God, and as a Christian, too often I found myself in doubt, with so many questions that made me question my own unwaivering faith. I often wonder, if I could even entertain the thought of there not being a Heaven, how could I consider myself as having been saved? If I got annoyed when going to churches that pushed so hard for people to be saved, so much that it took away from the actual message, how could I consider myself a good person? Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't appreciate it and wish for everyone to be so lucky, I just think it can get a bit excessive and loses it's meaning when it's drilled so often. I feel bad even typing that, but that's just how I feel. I was 12 when I was saved, and I know full and well that Jesus has set up a humble abode in my heart since then, that's all I need.

All of that said, what I was getting at, was that I believe, and I do have faith, and I do know that I'll get where I'm going when it's time. But I guess curiosity is just such a festering thing, that I constantly find/found my mind wandering, wondering what it would be like in heaven. I definitely feel like a lot of my questions were answered. I have a kind of renewed faith from the most unlikely source - a child named Colton who is as young as my God daughter and whom I've never met in my life. The things he said and the emotions his parents portrayed for him in the book were awe inspiring. I literally laughed, cried and prayed during the entire thing.

This couldn't have come at a better time. At a time when I've been questioning a lot of things. My faith's been tested so many times and I've been at my wits end, hit rock bottom and all but fallen down, defeated. Every time I've felt like there was no way things could get any worse, I worked up my resillience and I realized, things could only get better. The fact that I am at the place mentally, spiritually and physically that I am right now, is all the validation I need. The proof is in the puddin.

So now that I have had a come to Jesus moment... I feel refreshed and better able to talk to God in a humble manor. Thinking back, I can't help but giggle at some of the things I've asked Him to grant me with. Things that I knew He didn't want for me, but that I thought I so desperately needed at the time. He's really got a great sense of humor if you ask me.

Last bit about the book and then I'm done. The part that really struck a chord with me was the fact that Colton vividly described, and could identify members who had passed even decades before him, who he had never met or even known about. Through tears, it gave my soul such peace to know that I would someday get to finally meet PawPaw Page, get to rub Buster's belly, and get to crack jokes with Kevin again. Not that I'm in any rush to get there, but I'm not nearly as afraid of death as I used to be. I still don't want anyone to go too soon, but I know that the next time someone dear to me goes, rather than continue to grieve, I'll know how lucky they truly are. I think this is a huge step in my healing process from all the loss I've experienced in my life.

Well, that's mostly what was on my heart, and now I'm having trouble remembering what else it was I was thinking about before I started writing. So many things.

I've been thinking a lot about the kind of person I am. I'm the kind of girl who smiles at a stranger on the street, even if they refuse to make eye contact until they're a foot away from me. If someone drops something, I pick it up for them without hesitation. I hold elevators even if I'm running late. I return phone calls asap. I give out genuine compliments like candy. I find peace in sleeping babies and joy in their laughter. I drop everything to hang out with people I care about - when they ask. I make every effort to keep in contact with people and feel incredibly guilty when I realize I've dropped the ball. I listen - I may not always have advice, or give the best advice, but I'd rather someone put their burdens on me than keep them to themselves. I'm the girl who has more friends than I know what to do with and a few people who hate me for it. I'm the girl who can relate to the celebrity who sometimes, unfathomably, feels alone. I'm the girl who gets taken for granted.

I have totally felt sorry for myself recently. Like, with some friendships I feel like I put in so much effort, and get nothing in return. Which is fine, until it becomes routine, then it just gets old, and I give up. I don't like giving up on friendships, that's just not in my nature. And please don't take this personally if you think I'm talking about you, maybe just reflect a little.. like I am. But at some point it just gets exhausting to be so positive and optimistic all the time. I wouldn't change that part of me for a million bucks, but sometimes I think I need to get real. But to me, getting real makes me sad. I guess I can just add that to the list of things I don't like about growing up.

I think I'm starting to realize just how much I've grown up in the past couple of years. Maturity hasn't ever really been much of a problem (give or take an immmature mistake or 5), this goes along with that yearning to be [like] my sister. Precocious people annoy me to no end, so I've tried to find a good balance. Sometimes it's hard, when you're dealing with the public or just people in general. But that's part of what being tactful is all about. I just sometimes wish others had more of that trait. Facebook is a prime example of tactlessness. I love that my mom monitors me and tells me when I'm not being a lady ;)

If I were more diligent, I probably wouldn't say have the things I do in this blog, but I want to remember the ah-ha moments, the turning points, the frustrations, and the led downs so that when things are really great, or really crappy, I can appreciate that they could always be better or worse.

As of right now I'm kind of in a "everything's going to be okay" mindset. I've got a strong backbone these days and I cant' see myself crumbling at the feet of anyone, any time soon. Not that I'm invincible or don't still have bad days, but they're so much less frequent now, and I forget to take advantage of that alone. My worries are so trivial compared to what I used to worry about, or what anyone else at any given moment is going through.

I've come to realize that life can literally change in the blink of an eye. I can't tell you how many times just in the past week I've stopped to think, wow.. what if..?, not as in, what if I get hit by a bus... but as in, wow.. what if they hadn't called? What if they had never even thought of me again? What if they had never entered my life? Idk, I'm talkin crazy talk now, but I've really been doing a lot of deep thinking lately, and I kinda like it.


NMW,
<3

PS: Easter at the beach was amazing as usual. I loveee my family :)