Weigh in Wednesday it is!
Sooo... yeah.... the weigh in part isn't the fun part this week, because I have been so absolutely obsessed with the idea of getting under 200, and that hasn't happened! In fact, I've gained a 1/2 a pound since last week - ha!
Today: 201.5
How's that for karma?? When you obsess about things, you don't get results, but when you do what you're supposed to and quit trying so hard, things fall into place and pounds fall off... that's what I keep trying to tell myself, but my mind, body and soul need to communicate better!
Oh well, you win some you lose some!
I've had an absolutely fantastic week! I type that with a smile because I'm so genuinely happy right now. I thought I'd be upset if I hadn't gotten under 200 by now, or if I hadn't lost this morning, etc. But I'm really, genuinely okay with it.. today anyway. Each day is totally different, but the past few have been great, and I hope they stay that way :)
Monday I decided I needed to do something. I'm a very spur of the moment kind of person, so the more I think about something, the more anxious I get about it, and the less I want to go through with whatever it may be... That said, I decided I wanted to start doing a more intense workout. Well, I've been saying for a few weeks now that I wanted to join the Y or a gym in general. I also said I wanted to do some kind of personal training... but all of those things scare the crapppp out of me. Why? Because, helloooo... I weighed 245 pounds almost a year ago. And the more I say that number, the worse it sounds! That's a LOT of weight to carry around. Heck, 201 pounds is - but I feel great already!
I've always felt judged every time I've gone to a big gym like ppl are thinking.. "wow.. why'd it take her so long to get here?" Or what have you.. and that's probably truly what some people have thought because well.. I've thought it myself about some people, who hasn't?
I didn't realize until last night how long it had been since I've actually been to the gym on a consistent basis... literally 9 years. I was 16. I was a baby! And I was 156 pounds! Crap. I'd love to weigh that now, but I hate that I weighed it then! Bless my little heart! I was so fragile then, and not nearly as strong as I am now!
So anyway... I decided Monday (after wavering between not going at all and just doing workout dvds at home with mom) that if my Mom would go with me, I'd atleast go check out the YMCA... She more than gladly obliged. Love her! So we went, and in the back of my mind, I knew that if I went and got info, I'd end up joining... so I went! I was soo relieved to see Holly in the membership signup room, like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders! I was so excited!
The lady was soo nice and she set me up for a FitLinxx training session with a girl named Lauren that she knew I'd get along with really well. After that Holly, Magan and I went back to the Y and walked on the treadmill and did a couple of the machines. I wasn't sure I'd feel anything just from that, but I sure did! Haha.
Last night (Tuesday) I went to meet with Lauren, who was superrrr nice! She happens to live right next to my sister & Jay, so we talked about Graham - hello, match made in personal trainer Heaven! And she put together all the information for me and made up a workout plan that is totally do-able. She did the 5 min cardio warm-up with me and then taught me every machine that I'll use - 10 of them! And set my range of motion so that I won't be flopping around like a fish out of water when I "hit the gym." ;) After that Magan and I did a couple of other machines in the big gym! I feel soo comfortable with everything and I am SO ready to go back tonight!!! I never thought I'd say that, but it's true!
And my confidence is so inspring... even to me! I am so happy with everything, and even though I didn't lose this week, I know that I'm gaining muscle and will continue to do so! I'm just ready to build up my strength so I can start toning up and keep shedding weight!
I go for my 2nd follow up appt/fill next week - June 3rd. Soooo excited, and readyy!
I've been getting pretty hungry lately, but trying to curb that by drinking a lot of water and whatnot, getting my only caffeine from cranergy and trying to stay off the coffee... hardddd to do!
Overall, I'm a happy little girl :)
NMW <3
March 23, 2010 my life changed in an amazing way. This is my Lap-Band (weight loss surgery) experience from start to present...
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Weigh In Wendesdayyyyy
Well, that certainly went by fast! It's weigh in Wednesday all over again! And I practically woke up to a bbm from AshCash asking if I'd weighed yet :) Makes me smile! I hadn't, but I hopped on soon after, and was pleased to discover that the scale said 201!!!! I've lost 2 pounds! "Go Becky! Go Becky! GO!" ~ Jennifer Page Weaver. I'll be having that 200 party (okay, 199 party) before I know it! Even though it feels like I'll never get there, I realize it will seem like a distant memory eventually.
I must be honest, I've gotten to this point not because I'm an amazing bandster and I've been getting all of the protein and nutrients and following all my guidlines to a tee this week. It's been because I haven't eaten. And I know I would probably have lost more had I been eating properly, but, when you get your heart broken, you find ways to cope. For me, this time, it was/has been by not eating. Drinking would lead to drunk texting and dialing, and that's a lose-lose. Eating/overeating would lead to me feeling sick, another lose-lose. And all of the other things I could think of doing just haven't appealed to me. At all. It will come back, I just need time and space to sulk. I know how I deal with things, and nothing anyone says or does, although it may help, will change my behavior. (Not the not eating part... that's slowly coming back.)
I've noticed that the way I deal with things has definitely change though. I find myself trying harder to be stronger and it's actually working for once. My breakdowns have included crying to my sister or my best friends instead of texting him and telling him what he's missing. Or blogging and getting it all out, so that I can remind myself daily, until the pain is gone, that a relationship with that dynamic is not something I ever want to go through again.
In the past I've tried to move on, but every guy that approached me had some major flaw that was nowhere close to what I thought I deserved, and they weren't anything like the one before. Now, I'm not afraid to move on and it doesn't make me want to cry when a guy makes me smile, or tells me I'm pretty or that I have a great sense of humor b/c it's not coming from "him." Now, I can accept and appreciate compliments because I'm stronger than ever. I'm literally becoming a new person everyday. I don't think I'm finding myself by any means, I think I've already accomplished that, but I think I'm growing into myself. I'm becoming what everyone sees, that I don't.
Something I've come to realize is that people like to take the easy road. They like to stick with what they know. It's hard work to go after something you want, and it's even harder to obtain and maintain that something. When we do this, we shut ourselves off from ever getting past those hurdles, and we shut down at the first sign of resistance and we run at the first chance we get. That's just how I've always been, anyway. Afraid of change, afraid of making the extra effort that I know will benefit me in the end, because I'm scared of what it might bring along with it.. dare I care about someone new? Dare I find a new job and have to relearn everything? Dare I put myself out there and face rejection??
If you'd asked me a year ago, I'd say, I'm scared of all of those things. If you asked me today, I'd say, I'm scared but I'll try.
I'm scared I'll never get to my goal weight, but I'm trying. I'm scared I'll never meet the man of my dreams, but I'm willing. I'm scared I'll never be able to let go of the men that have hurt me and that I have loved, but I will.
NMW,
<3
I must be honest, I've gotten to this point not because I'm an amazing bandster and I've been getting all of the protein and nutrients and following all my guidlines to a tee this week. It's been because I haven't eaten. And I know I would probably have lost more had I been eating properly, but, when you get your heart broken, you find ways to cope. For me, this time, it was/has been by not eating. Drinking would lead to drunk texting and dialing, and that's a lose-lose. Eating/overeating would lead to me feeling sick, another lose-lose. And all of the other things I could think of doing just haven't appealed to me. At all. It will come back, I just need time and space to sulk. I know how I deal with things, and nothing anyone says or does, although it may help, will change my behavior. (Not the not eating part... that's slowly coming back.)
I've noticed that the way I deal with things has definitely change though. I find myself trying harder to be stronger and it's actually working for once. My breakdowns have included crying to my sister or my best friends instead of texting him and telling him what he's missing. Or blogging and getting it all out, so that I can remind myself daily, until the pain is gone, that a relationship with that dynamic is not something I ever want to go through again.
In the past I've tried to move on, but every guy that approached me had some major flaw that was nowhere close to what I thought I deserved, and they weren't anything like the one before. Now, I'm not afraid to move on and it doesn't make me want to cry when a guy makes me smile, or tells me I'm pretty or that I have a great sense of humor b/c it's not coming from "him." Now, I can accept and appreciate compliments because I'm stronger than ever. I'm literally becoming a new person everyday. I don't think I'm finding myself by any means, I think I've already accomplished that, but I think I'm growing into myself. I'm becoming what everyone sees, that I don't.
Something I've come to realize is that people like to take the easy road. They like to stick with what they know. It's hard work to go after something you want, and it's even harder to obtain and maintain that something. When we do this, we shut ourselves off from ever getting past those hurdles, and we shut down at the first sign of resistance and we run at the first chance we get. That's just how I've always been, anyway. Afraid of change, afraid of making the extra effort that I know will benefit me in the end, because I'm scared of what it might bring along with it.. dare I care about someone new? Dare I find a new job and have to relearn everything? Dare I put myself out there and face rejection??
If you'd asked me a year ago, I'd say, I'm scared of all of those things. If you asked me today, I'd say, I'm scared but I'll try.
I'm scared I'll never get to my goal weight, but I'm trying. I'm scared I'll never meet the man of my dreams, but I'm willing. I'm scared I'll never be able to let go of the men that have hurt me and that I have loved, but I will.
NMW,
<3
Monday, May 17, 2010
When in doubt... blog it out.
So today has been a hard one. And I don't know what else to do but to blog. Because every person who has supported me through this turbulence and commotion that has been the past year and three months of my life, is tired of hearing about it. So talking about "it" is something I've kind of stopped doing... but it's what I need to do. I just hate being told or feeling like people are thinking "I told you so." And they have every right to do so, because I've been absolutely naive for the past fifteen months - not to say that they weren't some of the best days of my life, but my gosh, they were hard, to say the least.
Talking to an ex the other day, just briefly, reminded me why things never worked out with us in the past. I loved him, he loved women. And I continually find myself in those kinds of relationships. The ones where I fill a void and vise versa, for however long they deem appropriate, and then, when they're done, they tell me I'm amazing and they're so lucky to have me in their life, and all these wonderful things... but it's like a huge back handed compliment, because while they're feeding me all this amazingness that I've wanted to hear for so long, they're telling me they don't deserve me and that I can do so much better and that they can't give me what I need and basically dumping me to see just how green the grass is on the other side, but doing it with a gentle, fair thee well, pat on the back.
Now I'm not trying to throw anyone under the bus, nor do I like to wear my heart on my sleeve, but this, like smoking, like drinking, like eating, is one of those addictions, one of those things that I have to face head on. If I don't, I'll end up back in the cycle... web spun, mission accomplished.
So I think it's time to take a note from How I Met Your Mother and write another letter to my future self.
Dear, sweet, awesome, beautiful, amazing, brilliant, vivacious, boombastic, fearless, strong Becky.... (too much?, they don't seem to think so when they tell me these things...)
Remember how this feels, in this moment. Remember that this is not the 1st, 5th or 22nd time you've been hurt by not only the same person but the same man reincarnate in every relationship you've entered into. Remember that you let your guard down, and you kept it there even when you told yourself you wouldn't, that you never would again, and remember where that got you... yeah... not so fun, huh?
Remember the time you bawled and sobbed to your sister and said you never wanted to feel this hurt and this pain again, about anyone, that you'd never let him back in and that you'd wait til you found the one who deserves you and treats you right and would fight to the death for you. - Remember all that hot air? Yeah, remember how less than 24 hours later y'all were "good" because he apologized and you're a pansy? Sorry Beckyboo, but it's true.
Your best quality is also your worst, and it's also your worst enemy. What is that? You care too f'ing much. Way too much! Way way way too much! But who says that's a bad thing? Every guy you've ever dated who hasn't appreciated it. But who who says there's not someone out there who will? Your friends sure as hell do. Even they may take it for granted sometimes, but jeez, you take it for granted sometimes yourself! You don't realize how caring you are until people point it out - why is that? Why do you beat yourself up and let some Joe Schmoe who, whether you want to face it or not, has about 15 other girls on his mind, make you think that you'll never be cared for in return? Because you WILL!
Why do you let them run all over you, admit when they're being jerks, and STILL let them be the asshole that they knows they are?!? WTF is wrong with you woman!?!? You're better than that and even they know it and can call you on it.
You're so intuitive and you know when people are lying to you. What can I say? It's a gift. And it's your fault for turning the other cheek. For pretending that if you can't see it, it's not happening. And even when you do see it, you believe the "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, it won't happen again"'s and the "I know it upsets you so I haven't talked to [_______] since a couple weeks ago when you got mad." Helloooo red flag! You've been fed that line before! Remember? It didn't work out so well that time either! But you saddled up, and you got the F out of there. And now you realize that although you've changed, grown, and learned from that, you're still doing it all over again. So why is it so much harder this time?
Idk, maybe because you fall hard and this one was dragged out a little longer than the other? Maybe because you fell harder and you saw the best in him that he wasn't willing to see, and you believed in him more than he believed in himself? And you saw the great person that he could be and wanted to be with him while he found that, and beyond? Well guess what, sister? That's not your job. That's his Mom's. You've always been good at walking away, so grab those boots and get to walkin.
Realize that you learned a LOT from that relationship a couple of years ago, when you fell, and fell hard - flat on your face. And got picked over for another girl that also didn't last. Remember that even if you feel picked over this time too - none of those others will last either. Because if you're not good enough to fight for, who will be? And is that someone that you even want to be? Because they're probably going to be a LOT weaker than you, a lot more insecure and simply desperate if they're willing to put up with getting less than they deserve which is being someones everything. Feel bad for them. Realize that you should've runw hen your friends told you to.
Be PICKY. Don't SETTLE. Find someone who doesn't get off on fighting. Because that's not you - that's not who you are. You know you hate fighting with anyone. Especially someone you love. Find someone who won't push you over the edge on the regular, and then apologize and act like a knight in shining armour for a week or so before throwing everything away again. Find someone who gets a rush from being with you, not from pushing you away and reeling you back in. Find someone who can't get enough of you and vise versa. Because he's out there. He's waiting for you, patiently. He may not be wrapped up in the pretty little package that the other was, and he may have quirks and he may annoy you sometimes, but embrace that.
Realize that you're the same way! Realize that he's out there and he's lost and he's lonely and he's waiting for you. He's not making excuses not to see you, or not to talk about serious issues such as your relationship. Relize that he'll put forth more effort than you ever thought possible or ever thought you deserved. Realize that even if he thinks you deserve better than him, he'll be the best. He'll be everything you want and need and more. And that God put him on this earth to be your other half. To share in all of the amazing, wonderful things that He has in store for you. He's out there. Just be patient, I know it doesn't seem like you'll ever find him right now, and you want so badly to believe that he's already in your life, and that things will work out. But quit fooling yourself babe. You've got too much potential to let it go to waste!!!
Talking to an ex the other day, just briefly, reminded me why things never worked out with us in the past. I loved him, he loved women. And I continually find myself in those kinds of relationships. The ones where I fill a void and vise versa, for however long they deem appropriate, and then, when they're done, they tell me I'm amazing and they're so lucky to have me in their life, and all these wonderful things... but it's like a huge back handed compliment, because while they're feeding me all this amazingness that I've wanted to hear for so long, they're telling me they don't deserve me and that I can do so much better and that they can't give me what I need and basically dumping me to see just how green the grass is on the other side, but doing it with a gentle, fair thee well, pat on the back.
Now I'm not trying to throw anyone under the bus, nor do I like to wear my heart on my sleeve, but this, like smoking, like drinking, like eating, is one of those addictions, one of those things that I have to face head on. If I don't, I'll end up back in the cycle... web spun, mission accomplished.
So I think it's time to take a note from How I Met Your Mother and write another letter to my future self.
Dear, sweet, awesome, beautiful, amazing, brilliant, vivacious, boombastic, fearless, strong Becky.... (too much?, they don't seem to think so when they tell me these things...)
Remember how this feels, in this moment. Remember that this is not the 1st, 5th or 22nd time you've been hurt by not only the same person but the same man reincarnate in every relationship you've entered into. Remember that you let your guard down, and you kept it there even when you told yourself you wouldn't, that you never would again, and remember where that got you... yeah... not so fun, huh?
Remember the time you bawled and sobbed to your sister and said you never wanted to feel this hurt and this pain again, about anyone, that you'd never let him back in and that you'd wait til you found the one who deserves you and treats you right and would fight to the death for you. - Remember all that hot air? Yeah, remember how less than 24 hours later y'all were "good" because he apologized and you're a pansy? Sorry Beckyboo, but it's true.
Your best quality is also your worst, and it's also your worst enemy. What is that? You care too f'ing much. Way too much! Way way way too much! But who says that's a bad thing? Every guy you've ever dated who hasn't appreciated it. But who who says there's not someone out there who will? Your friends sure as hell do. Even they may take it for granted sometimes, but jeez, you take it for granted sometimes yourself! You don't realize how caring you are until people point it out - why is that? Why do you beat yourself up and let some Joe Schmoe who, whether you want to face it or not, has about 15 other girls on his mind, make you think that you'll never be cared for in return? Because you WILL!
Why do you let them run all over you, admit when they're being jerks, and STILL let them be the asshole that they knows they are?!? WTF is wrong with you woman!?!? You're better than that and even they know it and can call you on it.
You're so intuitive and you know when people are lying to you. What can I say? It's a gift. And it's your fault for turning the other cheek. For pretending that if you can't see it, it's not happening. And even when you do see it, you believe the "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, it won't happen again"'s and the "I know it upsets you so I haven't talked to [_______] since a couple weeks ago when you got mad." Helloooo red flag! You've been fed that line before! Remember? It didn't work out so well that time either! But you saddled up, and you got the F out of there. And now you realize that although you've changed, grown, and learned from that, you're still doing it all over again. So why is it so much harder this time?
Idk, maybe because you fall hard and this one was dragged out a little longer than the other? Maybe because you fell harder and you saw the best in him that he wasn't willing to see, and you believed in him more than he believed in himself? And you saw the great person that he could be and wanted to be with him while he found that, and beyond? Well guess what, sister? That's not your job. That's his Mom's. You've always been good at walking away, so grab those boots and get to walkin.
Realize that you learned a LOT from that relationship a couple of years ago, when you fell, and fell hard - flat on your face. And got picked over for another girl that also didn't last. Remember that even if you feel picked over this time too - none of those others will last either. Because if you're not good enough to fight for, who will be? And is that someone that you even want to be? Because they're probably going to be a LOT weaker than you, a lot more insecure and simply desperate if they're willing to put up with getting less than they deserve which is being someones everything. Feel bad for them. Realize that you should've runw hen your friends told you to.
Be PICKY. Don't SETTLE. Find someone who doesn't get off on fighting. Because that's not you - that's not who you are. You know you hate fighting with anyone. Especially someone you love. Find someone who won't push you over the edge on the regular, and then apologize and act like a knight in shining armour for a week or so before throwing everything away again. Find someone who gets a rush from being with you, not from pushing you away and reeling you back in. Find someone who can't get enough of you and vise versa. Because he's out there. He's waiting for you, patiently. He may not be wrapped up in the pretty little package that the other was, and he may have quirks and he may annoy you sometimes, but embrace that.
Realize that you're the same way! Realize that he's out there and he's lost and he's lonely and he's waiting for you. He's not making excuses not to see you, or not to talk about serious issues such as your relationship. Relize that he'll put forth more effort than you ever thought possible or ever thought you deserved. Realize that even if he thinks you deserve better than him, he'll be the best. He'll be everything you want and need and more. And that God put him on this earth to be your other half. To share in all of the amazing, wonderful things that He has in store for you. He's out there. Just be patient, I know it doesn't seem like you'll ever find him right now, and you want so badly to believe that he's already in your life, and that things will work out. But quit fooling yourself babe. You've got too much potential to let it go to waste!!!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Wednesdays Schmendnesdays
So usually I just blog whenever the mood hits... and particularly when the mood hits on a Wednesday these days... well nothing hit me today but the stomach bug. Like a ton of bricks! I woke up this morning and could feel the rumbly in my tumbly. Yuck.
It seems to have been going around a lot lately so I'm not surprised I got it. And, it could always be just from something I ate? Who knows! As my roommate put it, I just had a pretty "crappy" day. Bahah.
So... what everyones been waiting for... weigh in Wednesday results!!!
I've lost a total of..... drumroll please.....
1 pound since last week! Hahah. As of this morning I'm at 203. That 200 mark is reallyy daunting! I'm really not discouraged.. It's actually quite humorous to me only becuase it's the first week I've made an effort to update on my progress.. and I'm not complaining about 1lb in the least. Heck, a year ago, I would've probably gained a pound! But in my defense, I am terribly bloated this week :) and my weight always seems to drop just after my "fun week" as my dear B calls it! Haha.
I've still been walking almost everyday and it makes me feel great! I know that eventually I'll be able to start running, but that's a long way off.. I'm going to let my body adjust to all these changes a little more slowly I think.. and the fact that I can and do walk as much as I do now is a huge improvement.. why rush? My jiggly bits aren't ready for that quite yet :)
Mom and I are going to go check out the Y sometime this week or weekend which is awesome too - since a lot of people go there, like walking, I'll never be without a person to go with! Speaking of, I love love love the fact that people have come to me and asked to go walking with me. It warms my heart so much to heart people tell me that I'm an inspiration to them. Something I never imagined myself being in the weight department, that's for sure!
When people tell me that I've inspired them to start eating better or start working out, or try that diet one more time, it truly inspires me! I almost feel like one of those Biggest Loser contestants... what pressure they're under though, bless their hearts! I get annoyed when people talk about how much I'm "able" to eat or scrutinize my plate... the expectation for me to only be able to eat 3 bites is completely unrealistic but I realize it's quite an adjustment for everyone, I just don't like feeling like a freak show.. I think once I express this to people they understand better, but sometimes I feel like the more I talk about it, the more I open myself up to being under a microscope. It has its ups and it downs, but the ups outweigh the downs. :)
I'm editing this as of Thursday because my energy level is back up - I took an iron supplement this morning and it seems to be helping so far. I'm definitely going to keep taking it, in addition to my daily multivitamins, and see what happens... Mom keeps calling me a health freak b/c yesterday all I ate was Kashi w/soy milk until we went to dinner at Little Richards where I had bbq w/o the bun! Haha. It's a nice change of pace to be called a health freak - I'm okay with that stereotype!
My life's been going through a lot of changes lately. Some worse than others, some better. I'm starting to realize who cares, who doesn't, and who never did. And while some of that is painful, it's always nice to weed out the true from the fake every once in a while.. I think it's a healthy thing to do. And I've also realized that I'm a very all or nothing person. When I quit smoking - I just did it. I was done. I don't crave them anymore and they don't even cross my mind. When I decided to have the surgery, I was deadset on it. And I still am!
Now that I've decided to quit drinking, it doesn't even enter my brain anymore until someone mentions it, and even then I'm not driven by the fact that I need to drink to cope with my problems. I have Brian to thank for a lot of that. If it weren't for him calling me on my shit half the time, I wouldn't have even recognized that it was a problem or that it was coming between us. [Most days] I'd lay in front of a train for him, so quitting drinking doesn't seem all that bad :)
I've definitely found some healthy alternatives to eating/drinking myself to "happiness" - ha! I've found that walking when I'm stressed seriously does release endorphins. And the fact that I've recognized instead of rejecting that after all these years, makes me happy as well! Idk why I was so opposed to exercising, but every step is a daunting task when you're overweight, and I still have a long way to go, but every step I take is in the right direction now, rather than one into a brick wall, over, and over, and over again.
I've got some more "spring cleaning" to do as Ash puts it, but I think I'm at a good place right now. I'm simplifying my life and my activities and my overall self, and it feels great. I don't need constant entertainment and the only constant things I need in my life are the people who build me up and the little things they do without even knowing it, to make me smile!
I'm so excited that the pool is open now! I can get my tan on and get some vitamin d plus get some exercise - yay!
NMW <3
It seems to have been going around a lot lately so I'm not surprised I got it. And, it could always be just from something I ate? Who knows! As my roommate put it, I just had a pretty "crappy" day. Bahah.
So... what everyones been waiting for... weigh in Wednesday results!!!
I've lost a total of..... drumroll please.....
1 pound since last week! Hahah. As of this morning I'm at 203. That 200 mark is reallyy daunting! I'm really not discouraged.. It's actually quite humorous to me only becuase it's the first week I've made an effort to update on my progress.. and I'm not complaining about 1lb in the least. Heck, a year ago, I would've probably gained a pound! But in my defense, I am terribly bloated this week :) and my weight always seems to drop just after my "fun week" as my dear B calls it! Haha.
I've still been walking almost everyday and it makes me feel great! I know that eventually I'll be able to start running, but that's a long way off.. I'm going to let my body adjust to all these changes a little more slowly I think.. and the fact that I can and do walk as much as I do now is a huge improvement.. why rush? My jiggly bits aren't ready for that quite yet :)
Mom and I are going to go check out the Y sometime this week or weekend which is awesome too - since a lot of people go there, like walking, I'll never be without a person to go with! Speaking of, I love love love the fact that people have come to me and asked to go walking with me. It warms my heart so much to heart people tell me that I'm an inspiration to them. Something I never imagined myself being in the weight department, that's for sure!
When people tell me that I've inspired them to start eating better or start working out, or try that diet one more time, it truly inspires me! I almost feel like one of those Biggest Loser contestants... what pressure they're under though, bless their hearts! I get annoyed when people talk about how much I'm "able" to eat or scrutinize my plate... the expectation for me to only be able to eat 3 bites is completely unrealistic but I realize it's quite an adjustment for everyone, I just don't like feeling like a freak show.. I think once I express this to people they understand better, but sometimes I feel like the more I talk about it, the more I open myself up to being under a microscope. It has its ups and it downs, but the ups outweigh the downs. :)
I'm editing this as of Thursday because my energy level is back up - I took an iron supplement this morning and it seems to be helping so far. I'm definitely going to keep taking it, in addition to my daily multivitamins, and see what happens... Mom keeps calling me a health freak b/c yesterday all I ate was Kashi w/soy milk until we went to dinner at Little Richards where I had bbq w/o the bun! Haha. It's a nice change of pace to be called a health freak - I'm okay with that stereotype!
My life's been going through a lot of changes lately. Some worse than others, some better. I'm starting to realize who cares, who doesn't, and who never did. And while some of that is painful, it's always nice to weed out the true from the fake every once in a while.. I think it's a healthy thing to do. And I've also realized that I'm a very all or nothing person. When I quit smoking - I just did it. I was done. I don't crave them anymore and they don't even cross my mind. When I decided to have the surgery, I was deadset on it. And I still am!
Now that I've decided to quit drinking, it doesn't even enter my brain anymore until someone mentions it, and even then I'm not driven by the fact that I need to drink to cope with my problems. I have Brian to thank for a lot of that. If it weren't for him calling me on my shit half the time, I wouldn't have even recognized that it was a problem or that it was coming between us. [Most days] I'd lay in front of a train for him, so quitting drinking doesn't seem all that bad :)
I've definitely found some healthy alternatives to eating/drinking myself to "happiness" - ha! I've found that walking when I'm stressed seriously does release endorphins. And the fact that I've recognized instead of rejecting that after all these years, makes me happy as well! Idk why I was so opposed to exercising, but every step is a daunting task when you're overweight, and I still have a long way to go, but every step I take is in the right direction now, rather than one into a brick wall, over, and over, and over again.
I've got some more "spring cleaning" to do as Ash puts it, but I think I'm at a good place right now. I'm simplifying my life and my activities and my overall self, and it feels great. I don't need constant entertainment and the only constant things I need in my life are the people who build me up and the little things they do without even knowing it, to make me smile!
I'm so excited that the pool is open now! I can get my tan on and get some vitamin d plus get some exercise - yay!
NMW <3
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
hey hey weigh in wednesday!
So Ash and I went up to NY this past weekend to visit one of our best friend, Andrea, and her fiance Kevin. We had sooo much fun! And I definitely got LOTS of walking in :) Not to mention sleep because, whew! It was exhausting! I totally fell asleep everytime I stopped moving for more than 5 min (car, train or plane!). We got to see a lot of awesome things and it was so nice to have such great tour guides! We also got to meet a few of their friends up there which was awesome - they were all so nice and being in the medical field - interested in my procedure which I just thought was the coolest thing in the world :) I love talking about it but I love even more when people are intrigued by the procedure!
Per Andrea's sweet friend Molly's advice, I've decided to start a "Weigh In Wednesday" post to keep all of you updated on my progress... and I promise not to sugarcoat it or not post just because I didn't lose that week, or what have you (not that I anticipate that happening!!). That being said....
As of this morning my weight is 205! I'm 5 pounds away from 200! Holy crap! Yay! I haven't been 205 since the summer I was 20 years old.. crazyy! And what's interesting is that even though I weigh in the mornings after I've emptied my bladder... I sometimes weigh in the afternoons too (I'm slightly obsessed because it makes me so happy... sue me.) and I've found lately that I've weighed LESS in the afternoons! Say whaaaat? It's purely insane. But I've really started watching it and I've noticed that when I get off track, I don't lose as much or as quickly - so therefore I'm cutting out things like wine and whatnot (big no no anyway, but I tend to forget and make it a big yes yes) and as long as I'm seeing good results I'm pretty sure it will be easy to keep that off my "okay every once in a while" list.
Mom, sis and Holly have been awesome walking partners! Although I'm about to cut Jen off from being able to come with us... 2 miles at 8 months prego is taking its toll on her and I don't want her to strain herself til it's absolutely time for him to come - then we can walk, walk, walk til she goes into labor! :)
Mom and I had an awesome heart to heart the other night, in which she reminded me what an awesome kid I was growing up. I was always soo easy going and didn't have a care in the world. I was content staying home on a Friday night with just her and watching TGIF or a movie.. I didn't have to have constant attention and entertainment from friends or anyone but her or my family for that matter! I want to get back to that Becky. Baby Becky was such a sweetheart, and she's definitely still inside, but it's so easy to get caught up in the expectations of society sometimes. I've expressed to my friends that I don't want to go out as much, and for a while that will include not even going to the bar and "just not drinking." which most of them understand, and they're the ones that will come over and be boring with me when I do need some entertainment :)
I'll update as soooon as I hit that milestone of 200 as well!!
NMW <3
Update: 5/6/10 - I weighed this morning and I'm at 204. It was just so exciting that I had to post again! :)
Per Andrea's sweet friend Molly's advice, I've decided to start a "Weigh In Wednesday" post to keep all of you updated on my progress... and I promise not to sugarcoat it or not post just because I didn't lose that week, or what have you (not that I anticipate that happening!!). That being said....
As of this morning my weight is 205! I'm 5 pounds away from 200! Holy crap! Yay! I haven't been 205 since the summer I was 20 years old.. crazyy! And what's interesting is that even though I weigh in the mornings after I've emptied my bladder... I sometimes weigh in the afternoons too (I'm slightly obsessed because it makes me so happy... sue me.) and I've found lately that I've weighed LESS in the afternoons! Say whaaaat? It's purely insane. But I've really started watching it and I've noticed that when I get off track, I don't lose as much or as quickly - so therefore I'm cutting out things like wine and whatnot (big no no anyway, but I tend to forget and make it a big yes yes) and as long as I'm seeing good results I'm pretty sure it will be easy to keep that off my "okay every once in a while" list.
Mom, sis and Holly have been awesome walking partners! Although I'm about to cut Jen off from being able to come with us... 2 miles at 8 months prego is taking its toll on her and I don't want her to strain herself til it's absolutely time for him to come - then we can walk, walk, walk til she goes into labor! :)
Mom and I had an awesome heart to heart the other night, in which she reminded me what an awesome kid I was growing up. I was always soo easy going and didn't have a care in the world. I was content staying home on a Friday night with just her and watching TGIF or a movie.. I didn't have to have constant attention and entertainment from friends or anyone but her or my family for that matter! I want to get back to that Becky. Baby Becky was such a sweetheart, and she's definitely still inside, but it's so easy to get caught up in the expectations of society sometimes. I've expressed to my friends that I don't want to go out as much, and for a while that will include not even going to the bar and "just not drinking." which most of them understand, and they're the ones that will come over and be boring with me when I do need some entertainment :)
I'll update as soooon as I hit that milestone of 200 as well!!
NMW <3
Update: 5/6/10 - I weighed this morning and I'm at 204. It was just so exciting that I had to post again! :)
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