Weigh In Wendesdayyyyy

Well, that certainly went by fast! It's weigh in Wednesday all over again! And I practically woke up to a bbm from AshCash asking if I'd weighed yet :) Makes me smile! I hadn't, but I hopped on soon after, and was pleased to discover that the scale said 201!!!! I've lost 2 pounds! "Go Becky! Go Becky! GO!" ~ Jennifer Page Weaver. I'll be having that 200 party (okay, 199 party) before I know it! Even though it feels like I'll never get there, I realize it will seem like a distant memory eventually.

I must be honest, I've gotten to this point not because I'm an amazing bandster and I've been getting all of the protein and nutrients and following all my guidlines to a tee this week. It's been because I haven't eaten. And I know I would probably have lost more had I been eating properly, but, when you get your heart broken, you find ways to cope. For me, this time, it was/has been by not eating. Drinking would lead to drunk texting and dialing, and that's a lose-lose. Eating/overeating would lead to me feeling sick, another lose-lose. And all of the other things I could think of doing just haven't appealed to me. At all. It will come back, I just need time and space to sulk. I know how I deal with things, and nothing anyone says or does, although it may help, will change my behavior. (Not the not eating part... that's slowly coming back.)

I've noticed that the way I deal with things has definitely change though. I find myself trying harder to be stronger and it's actually working for once. My breakdowns have included crying to my sister or my best friends instead of texting him and telling him what he's missing. Or blogging and getting it all out, so that I can remind myself daily, until the pain is gone, that a relationship with that dynamic is not something I ever want to go through again.

In the past I've tried to move on, but every guy that approached me had some major flaw that was nowhere close to what I thought I deserved, and they weren't anything like the one before. Now, I'm not afraid to move on and it doesn't make me want to cry when a guy makes me smile, or tells me I'm pretty or that I have a great sense of humor b/c it's not coming from "him." Now, I can accept and appreciate compliments because I'm stronger than ever. I'm literally becoming a new person everyday. I don't think I'm finding myself by any means, I think I've already accomplished that, but I think I'm growing into myself. I'm becoming what everyone sees, that I don't.

Something I've come to realize is that people like to take the easy road. They like to stick with what they know. It's hard work to go after something you want, and it's even harder to obtain and maintain that something. When we do this, we shut ourselves off from ever getting past those hurdles, and we shut down at the first sign of resistance and we run at the first chance we get. That's just how I've always been, anyway. Afraid of change, afraid of making the extra effort that I know will benefit me in the end, because I'm scared of what it might bring along with it.. dare I care about someone new? Dare I find a new job and have to relearn everything? Dare I put myself out there and face rejection??

If you'd asked me a year ago, I'd say, I'm scared of all of those things. If you asked me today, I'd say, I'm scared but I'll try.

I'm scared I'll never get to my goal weight, but I'm trying. I'm scared I'll never meet the man of my dreams, but I'm willing. I'm scared I'll never be able to let go of the men that have hurt me and that I have loved, but I will.

NMW,
<3