When in doubt... blog it out.

So today has been a hard one. And I don't know what else to do but to blog. Because every person who has supported me through this turbulence and commotion that has been the past year and three months of my life, is tired of hearing about it. So talking about "it" is something I've kind of stopped doing... but it's what I need to do. I just hate being told or feeling like people are thinking "I told you so." And they have every right to do so, because I've been absolutely naive for the past fifteen months - not to say that they weren't some of the best days of my life, but my gosh, they were hard, to say the least.

Talking to an ex the other day, just briefly, reminded me why things never worked out with us in the past. I loved him, he loved women. And I continually find myself in those kinds of relationships. The ones where I fill a void and vise versa, for however long they deem appropriate, and then, when they're done, they tell me I'm amazing and they're so lucky to have me in their life, and all these wonderful things... but it's like a huge back handed compliment, because while they're feeding me all this amazingness that I've wanted to hear for so long, they're telling me they don't deserve me and that I can do so much better and that they can't give me what I need and basically dumping me to see just how green the grass is on the other side, but doing it with a gentle, fair thee well, pat on the back.

Now I'm not trying to throw anyone under the bus, nor do I like to wear my heart on my sleeve, but this, like smoking, like drinking, like eating, is one of those addictions, one of those things that I have to face head on. If I don't, I'll end up back in the cycle... web spun, mission accomplished.

So I think it's time to take a note from How I Met Your Mother and write another letter to my future self.

Dear, sweet, awesome, beautiful, amazing, brilliant, vivacious, boombastic, fearless, strong Becky.... (too much?, they don't seem to think so when they tell me these things...)
Remember how this feels, in this moment. Remember that this is not the 1st, 5th or 22nd time you've been hurt by not only the same person but the same man reincarnate in every relationship you've entered into. Remember that you let your guard down, and you kept it there even when you told yourself you wouldn't, that you never would again, and remember where that got you... yeah... not so fun, huh?
Remember the time you bawled and sobbed to your sister and said you never wanted to feel this hurt and this pain again, about anyone, that you'd never let him back in and that you'd wait til you found the one who deserves you and treats you right and would fight to the death for you. - Remember all that hot air? Yeah, remember how less than 24 hours later y'all were "good" because he apologized and you're a pansy? Sorry Beckyboo, but it's true.
Your best quality is also your worst, and it's also your worst enemy. What is that? You care too f'ing much. Way too much! Way way way too much! But who says that's a bad thing? Every guy you've ever dated who hasn't appreciated it. But who who says there's not someone out there who will? Your friends sure as hell do. Even they may take it for granted sometimes, but jeez, you take it for granted sometimes yourself! You don't realize how caring you are until people point it out - why is that? Why do you beat yourself up and let some Joe Schmoe who, whether you want to face it or not, has about 15 other girls on his mind, make you think that you'll never be cared for in return? Because you WILL!
Why do you let them run all over you, admit when they're being jerks, and STILL let them be the asshole that they knows they are?!? WTF is wrong with you woman!?!? You're better than that and even they know it and can call you on it.
You're so intuitive and you know when people are lying to you. What can I say? It's a gift. And it's your fault for turning the other cheek. For pretending that if you can't see it, it's not happening. And even when you do see it, you believe the "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, it won't happen again"'s and the "I know it upsets you so I haven't talked to [_______] since a couple weeks ago when you got mad." Helloooo red flag! You've been fed that line before! Remember? It didn't work out so well that time either! But you saddled up, and you got the F out of there. And now you realize that although you've changed, grown, and learned from that, you're still doing it all over again. So why is it so much harder this time?
Idk, maybe because you fall hard and this one was dragged out a little longer than the other? Maybe because you fell harder and you saw the best in him that he wasn't willing to see, and you believed in him more than he believed in himself? And you saw the great person that he could be and wanted to be with him while he found that, and beyond? Well guess what, sister? That's not your job. That's his Mom's. You've always been good at walking away, so grab those boots and get to walkin.
Realize that you learned a LOT from that relationship a couple of years ago, when you fell, and fell hard - flat on your face. And got picked over for another girl that also didn't last. Remember that even if you feel picked over this time too - none of those others will last either. Because if you're not good enough to fight for, who will be? And is that someone that you even want to be? Because they're probably going to be a LOT weaker than you, a lot more insecure and simply desperate if they're willing to put up with getting less than they deserve which is being someones everything. Feel bad for them. Realize that you should've runw hen your friends told you to.
Be PICKY. Don't SETTLE. Find someone who doesn't get off on fighting. Because that's not you - that's not who you are. You know you hate fighting with anyone. Especially someone you love. Find someone who won't push you over the edge on the regular, and then apologize and act like a knight in shining armour for a week or so before throwing everything away again. Find someone who gets a rush from being with you, not from pushing you away and reeling you back in. Find someone who can't get enough of you and vise versa. Because he's out there. He's waiting for you, patiently. He may not be wrapped up in the pretty little package that the other was, and he may have quirks and he may annoy you sometimes, but embrace that.
Realize that you're the same way! Realize that he's out there and he's lost and he's lonely and he's waiting for you. He's not making excuses not to see you, or not to talk about serious issues such as your relationship. Relize that he'll put forth more effort than you ever thought possible or ever thought you deserved. Realize that even if he thinks you deserve better than him, he'll be the best. He'll be everything you want and need and more. And that God put him on this earth to be your other half. To share in all of the amazing, wonderful things that He has in store for you. He's out there. Just be patient, I know it doesn't seem like you'll ever find him right now, and you want so badly to believe that he's already in your life, and that things will work out. But quit fooling yourself babe. You've got too much potential to let it go to waste!!!