W.I.W. :)

Hey hey heyyyy,
It's weigh in Wednesday! And I'm happyyyy to report that my weight this morning was 193!! Woohooooo! Finally 3 pounds in a week!!! How exciting! :)

Current weight: 193
Since last summer I've lost: 52 pounds! Wow!
Since surgery: 32! Go Becky! Go Becky Go!

Recently my confidence has been astounding. Just what I need, and with good reason! For so long now I've been hiding behind my weight and scared of letting anyone see the true me. Especially guys. And that is exactly why I got myself into the cycle that I did.

But I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm going to truly be the best Becky I can be. Not for anyone else, but for me, for real. I have to remember who's in this. Me. Just me. No one else can lose the weight for me. No one else can have confidence for me. No one else can truly love me like I can. No one can feel the amazing changes that are going on with my body but me. And that is definitely an empowering feeling! I've been hitting the gym hard and working out to the max. I've exceeded even my own expectations, and clearly it's paying off! It feels great to get on the scale and be truly excited!

I made a new bff recently who in just a few days time has taught me a lot about life and living it to the fullest. He's battling cancer at the moment, but he's never let it stop him. He told me the other day that he could move mountains, and I believe him. I want to have his vigor and his strength for life. He inspires me everyday and even through all that he has going on, he advises me and helps me to see things in the best light possible. He's a great bff! Love ya Z!

Edit: 7/6/10
So.. I deleted all the stuff I said about Brian.. what I said was during a one-sided fight that I created. I wasn't receiving the attention that I thought I needed/wanted and was blind to see all the turmoil that was going on in his part of the world. I may or may not have put many a word/assumption in his mouth and he would have probably been flabergasted had he read all those things I said. Luckily, he doesn't read this, which was proven to me when he didn't utter a word about anything I said! I feel bad for even thinking that those are his thoughts, and even worse for forgetting how many people actually read this blog! Especially my Mother who will now need proof that he's a good guy - as she always should! Mad props to my best friends for being there for me when I cried.. again, and making me laugh til I forgot what I was upset about. And mad props to myself for standing up for myself and letting it be known that I will NOT tolerate getting an attitude from someone who I care about so much and vise versa, because that is not the kind of relationship I want to invest any time/effort in.. that's not what I signed up for and that's not what I'll have. Zero props to whomever took it upon themselves to text Brian and tell them that it would be "in MY best interest for him not to contact me and to ignore me should I contact him... and that I would never see him as just a friend." Oh really? Like we hadn't already established that? Thank you Captain Obvious for relaying that to the man who knows me inside & out and knows full and well that we'll never be "just friends." Really? Please, know your role and stay out of my business. Towards you, I will have an attitude. kthanks. <3


And last but not least, to add to my excitement.... I already posted these on facebook, but this is what this blog is all about! So here are my "biggest loser" pictures!!!

March 2010:


June 2010:




NMW <3

Weigh in Wednesdayyy

So here we have it, once again, it's Weigh in Wednesday! I told myself I'd just write the update, and actually blog when I felt like it, be it Wednesday or Sunday... but now feels like a good time to get some things out.

Weigh In:
The scale teetered between 196 and 196.5 so we're DEF going with 196 :)
Once again - 1 pound this week. I'm okay with it though! Slow & steady wins the race! Like I've always said - a year ago, I would've probably gained a pound, so I'm not discouraged in the least! Any amount is fine with me! Okay, I'm fibbing a little... I'd love to get back to those days when I was losing 3 lbs a day - ha! But that was short lived and completely unrealistic, so, I'm just adjusting to this new way of losing!

This has actually been kind of a hard week. I've mentioned before that my hormones seem to be kind of out of whack, and it's not that surprising considering all the changes going on not only with myself, but with all the preggos around me! I'm sure in some chemical way those emotions rub off on me?? Idk. I'll ask my uhh lady doctor next time I go.. which is next Monday! I'm excited, because it's now been a year (obvs) since I've seen her, and she's the one who started me on this whole journey, when she mentioned Cushings. She's the reason for the endocrynologist visits, bloodwork, diabetes test, MRI, ultrasounds and dreadful Metformin. Ugh. I doubt she'll remember that she made me cry when she mentioned the possibility of an answer to my problems, and I doubt even more that she'll care that she sent my emotions on the biggest roller coaster of my life.

I do, however, hope that she realizes how far I've come when she sees how drastically my weight has decreased since my last visit, a year ago. I hope she tells me that my PCOS has gone or is going away. I know she will give me good news, I just have that feeling! I really need to be reassured that I'm not infertile. Although I don't want to have children for a few years, I want to know that I have the option! I want to know that my life's choices are in mine and God's hands, not PCOS's. So, I've done what I can, now let's hope we're atleast 1/2 way there in that department as well! Maybe I'll only have 15 cysts on each ovary vs 30+! Ha!

I am so pleased with myself when I look back at how far I've come. It gets harder everyday to see the results, because the weight loss has slowed down somewhat, but when people say I "look different" when they haven't seen me in a while, or even have no idea about my surgery, it just makes me feel warm & fuzzy :) I try not to say, "ah, yes, my hair is darker... but I also lost 50 pounds... wapachowwww! (it sounds right in my head)" but that's what I'm thinking the whole time.

I don't know why, but I've been crazy mood-swingy lately. Like, even more so than usual. I've let little things that usually wouldn't bother me, get under my skin. It's weird, and not (very much) like me... I mean... sure I have a jealous side, but who doesn't? I just don't understand some people. And I feel bad when I take it out on Brian. I feel a pang of jealousy when his friends that are girls write on his facebook or text him, not because I don't trust him - not in the slightest. But because I don't trust them. Because, at some point in the past century, girls started reversing the role! And forgetting their role for that matter! It's just annoying. And I get so upset with myself when I take it out on him, as if he did something wrong. But as soon as I do, he gives me a kiss and tells me to quit worrying about it, leave it in the past, and all is well in the world :)

He has a way of calming my nerves that no one but my Daddy has ever been able to do. When I get upset, he reminds me to breathe, when I have my panic attacks he says things that are only funny to us, and he makes me laugh until I forget what I was upset about to begin with. I remind him regularly that he's amazing, and I hope he never forgets that. He's my best friend and my confidant. He knows his role and he never oversteps his boundaries. He knows when there are things that I can only talk about with my best girl friends, and he knows when to just "not talk about it." I never thought I could care about someone who was not family this much, but clearly, since I've devoted so much of this blog to him... he's got a hold on me. :)

In other exciting news.... one of my best friends Holly got engaged on her birthday last Friday!!! Yayayayyay! Alex proposed, and after a few seconds of shock, she said, YES! :) I am so excited for them - they really are the perfect match for each other! It's pretty dang precious, and she's glowing. Magan and I went out Saturday night for her bday/engagement with her sister and we had soo much fun. I forgot what it was like to just sit back with the girls and... be funny. We're trying to bring back the word "frump" (think "fetch" in the movie Mean Girls) and so far, it's taken on a whole new meaning. Bahah. I am so happy that Holly has moved home and it makes me so glad that she lives close so I can be involved in wedding planning! Yay!

Erin comes home this weekend, I can't even tell you how excited this makes me. E baby is probably the closest thing to a soul sister I've ever had other than my own. She's got a heart as genuine as mine and a mind that questions everything just the same. Our heart to hearts and long chats about life, love and everything under the sun, bring my soul to peace and put my mind at ease, until the next time, then I just get really anxious for a heart to heart again, as soon as that one is over!

At this point, I'm making a lot of progress.. I still don't have the confidence on a daily basis that I want to have, but I'm learning to reign in my insecurities at times, and not let my emotions [always] get the best of me. I'm learning to have patience and to rely on other people for support as needed. I'm praying a lot and letting God lead me to where I'm supposed to be in this life. I'm not sure I'm in the right place or even halfway there, but what I do know is that I'm okay!

NMW,

Becky

My "Dream"

My nephew, Graham Nance Weaver, is the newest addition to the family and the newest love of my life! He is, undoubtedly, the sweetest, most precious miracle ever born - but that's coming from a doting aunt (and anyone who has met him to date!). The process of pregnancy, labor and delivery are nothing short of amazing. Slightly traumatizing, yes, but beautiful - in a really gross way.

For the first time in my life I was in the delivery room to witness childbirth. Now, I don't think I'll ever do that so willingly again, but experiencing that with my sister, Jay and Mom was truly extraordinary. It wasn't necessarily part of the "birthing plan" but when it came down to it, she did AMAZING and was such an inspiration to me! I look forward to the day, years from now, that my sister holds my hand and rubs my feet while I experience the most excruciating pain known to womankind!

Graham is the most magnificent gift I have ever received. Everyone told me that being an Aunt would be the best job ever. I've had 3 years of experience with Kaylee, so I knew I was cut out for the job! What I didn't know, however, was how in love I could be with this gooey little (TINY) thing! Before they could even start getting him cleaned off, I asked the nurse if I could "touch him" - she said of course, so I stuck my finger out and his sweet little hand grasped it immediately.

That. Was. Amazing. I knew he was scared of all the bright lights and commotion - I've seen "Look Who's Talking." And as his Dad sat patiently and sportively by his Mother's side as an amazing husband and proud new father, I wanted Graham to know that I was there, and that for the rest of his life I will take his hand if he's ever scared. I wanted him to know by my touch and familiar voice that not only do so many people love him to the moon, but that when he's in an unfamiliar place, he can always count on me to be there for him in any way, big or small, that I can.

He's the light of my life and I look so forward to watching him grow and forming that special Aunt Becky-Graham bond that we will forever share. He's got an amazing family, and more love than SO many babies in this world. He'll never feel unwanted and he'll never go without. He'll also never do anything to get in trouble, break a girl's heart, or experiment with drugs. Why? Because he's perfect. :)

If only that were true! I wish I could protect him from the mean, scary world, but I know that this tiny being will grow into a precious toddler, a sweet little boy, a strong young man, and an incredible adult. He will follow in both of our father's footsteps to accomplish many amazing things, and defeat any obstacles that may come his way. I love this baby boy more than my words in a blog could ever express, and although I don't see him everyday (so as not to wear out my welcome!) I do think about him approximately 95% of everyday. He's got me wrapped around his teeny little finger that he so properly sticks out all the time! I wish I could just put him in my pocket and carry him everywhere I go - I guess a picture on my cell phone background will have to do!

I love you forever Graham.

No matter what.

Love,
Aunt Becky

This is too exciting not to post!

Oh. Em. Gee! I just had to post this! I came across an "old" picture of me - from June of last year to be exact! And I just want to share it with the world because I'm so amazingly proud of myself!!! Not that I wasn't already, but this REALLY makes me appreciate all my hard work thus far.... and let us not forget, I'm still only half way "there" ;)

This is the same exact dress..
June 2009



June 2010

Double-Time Weigh In Wednesdayyy

So life has been hectic seeing as though I'm now an AUNT to a precious baby boy, Graham Nance Weaver! I'll update about that later - because everyone's all over me about updating for WIW!

As of this morning I am........

197! 2 lbs since two weeks ago when I last blogged! So 1 lb/wk - Not too shabby! I got a fill and I'm now at 5cc's. At my appt everyone was proud of me once again!!! Which felt great! :) They said I am now actually 1 month ahead of what they would expect from a gastric bypass patient whereas before I was right on par with what they would expect - either way, I'm finally an over-achiever in the weight department - that's a huge accomplishment for me!!! I have to remind myself of that every once in a while!

I also have to remind myself to eat sometimes - like, yesterday, I barely ate - not okay! That's probably why I didn't lose more! Today, I'm trying to get in some proten - sandwich meat and string cheese, etc. It's hard to eat as much with the fill which is fine by me!! But it's definitely feeling more real now - whereas before it was like, oh yeah, I have a band, but I can still eat! Now I don't get hungry as early, and I definitely fill up more quickly - just the way it's supposed to be! I guess I haven't really noticed it til now though because I've been so wrapped up in Graham and in life in general that I haven't even thought about my band! I have also neglected the gym - tsk tsk!

I started back at the Y last night after a bit of a hiatus! Oops - it wasn't intentional and I really missed going when I wasn't for a few days, just because I was so busy! But I can really feel the difference now - in my overall mood, etc. I'm just a much happier person after I've worked out - I mean, I know it's not rocket science that working out releases endorphins, but I like seeing the results of my hard work and I like it when the results are my good mood!!

I've definitely felt "weird" lately, like.. not myself. Idk what's up with me, but I know it has something to do with all the changes that my body is going through. It's affecting my hormones and my overall mentality. It's a lot more than just physical.

One thing one of my friends who had WLS warned me of was that I'd get attention from more men. Now, that sounded a little crazy to me at first, and she understood that. I mean.. who doesn't want to get more attention, even if you intend to give them no attention in return?? She explained that men who she felt would've never given her a second glance before, or who never did in high school - were suddenly peaking an interest. Ahhh - that makes sense. What pricks! And duh, we know some men are shallow, but luckily, not all of them are - all the time anyway. It's nice to be told that I'm "beautiful" and that I've "always been pretty" but that my personality has always been what sets me apart from all the rest - that means the world to me. Because while I'm learning how to accpet compliments from men and women in general - which takes some getting used to - I'm also learning how to take them from the ones who matter the most... the ones who hold me on a pedestal and expect and want great things for me! And the fact that they realize that no matter what I look like, and no matter whether or not I conform to society's wishes for my body, I'll always be me. I'll always be Becky - Aunt Becky for that matter ;)

It's funny to me, that even as I've received more attention from guys - it hasn't really matter to me at all. There's a great guy in my life, and although we've had our ups and downs, he's in it for the right reasons, as am I. And for once I feel secure, and I feel that he's not going anywhere.. I know I'm not. But I've never been able to trust anyone as much as I trust Brian. The fact that he's met the entire family + most of the extended family and hasn't run for the hills says a lot about his character as well :) And the fact that his daughter Anna met Kaylee and they were instant BFF's just melted my heart - okay, that, and him meeting and holding Graham on day 2... and a million other little things that he does everyday... he's just been wonderful, and I must boast on his behalf just a little!

It doesn't matter how small I get or how much a lose this week, next month or all together for that matter. I can't lose myself or I'll be miserable! I need a lot more support than I'm willing to admit, and by support I don't mean encouragement or compliments (those are great! keep 'em comin!).. I mean the little things day to day.. the heart to hearts and the phone calls just to say Hi... I sometimes feel like my life revolves around my lap-band and I'm forgetting that I've still gotta live life the way it was before all of this... and I don't mean my lifestyle, because that definitely had to change... I mean... my life. I don't want to get lost in my weightloss and thats kinda what I think is happening... which scares me a little.... but there's just a lot swimming around in my brain right now!

I could write for another hour, but there's a time and place for everything :)

PS - Jay, don't be offended for not being mentioned in this post - you'll have your 15 min of fame in my Graham post!


NMW <3

200s are soo last week!

Yayayayayay! I'm a happy bandster this Weigh In Wednesday!

I am officially UNDER 200! Hollaaaa!
I weighed again this morning just to make sure I was still under... yep! 199 :) I've lost 2.5 pounds since last week - hey hey heyyyy!

Totals:
Since last summer I've lost 46 pounds - wow!
Since surgery - 26 pounds - wow wow!

According to lapband.com I'm 42% of the way to my personal goal (140 pounds) so since I've made it under 200, my new goal is to be 50% closer to my personal goal weight of 140! Which means... I'll be at 50% in 6 pounds! Omg! That will be a huge milestone and I'll be just as proud of myself as I was when I got under 200!

I have love love lovedddd going to the YMCA! It's so much easier than I thought it would be and I realize now that no one really cares what you're doing. The only reason they're looking at you is because you happen to be in their range of view while they're focusing on what they're doing. Well, thats the case for me anyway. I could care less what anyone else is doing, I'm too busy doing my routine!

And omg, that routine is starting to BURNNNN. Lauren set my reps at 8-12, so I've been doing 12. I'll step it up to 15 soon, but maybe not til next week, cause my arms are not used to this at all! I'm so glad they're finally getting some strenth - everyone keeps telling me my butt is getting firmer and/or disappearing :) I love itttt! I eat up the compliments but my head never gets too big because I just think about all the hard work I've done to get this far, and I wonder why the hell it took me so long to get a hold of my life!

And I really feel a difference. It's just easier to do things, and losing weight is happening faster. Everything is starting to click... I've always been great at making excuses as to why I couldn't do things such as... workout... but in just a week's time, I'm already getting addicted to it. Even though I know it's gonna burn or it's gonna hurt, I still go! And I keep going! And I haven't gotten to the point where I like going by myself yet, but I know I will, soon. Maybe that will be my goal for next week - to have gone to the Y by myself atleast once! Mom came with me last night which was awesome - just to have her see what I've been up to and what I'm doing, I could tell she was proud of me :)

I'm "supposed" to go atleast 4x/wk. So far this week I've gone, Mon, Tues, and plan on going tonight. I def need to take a break tomorrow night, or I'll wear myself out, and that's no bueno!

Ahh my 2nd follow up appt/fill with Fuzz is tomorrow! I am SOOO excited! I can't wait to get another fill b/c dang - I need it! I get hungry early in the day, and they had said not to eat until I'm hungry.. but I've felt it get progressively earlier like everyday! I also have this weird pain in my right side, and a small lump - gonna find out what that might be... maybe a cyst? maybe a muscle? Hahah. Hopefully I can get some answers on that! Not sure how many CC's they'll put in, hopefully everything will go well.

I'm so proud of myself for reaching and doubling their goal for me!!! They wanted me to lose 4 pounds - I lost 8 :) yay!!!

Today we're officially 17 days away from the proposed arrival of Jen & Jay's bundle of joy, my little monkey, Graham Weaver! Yayayay! Anytime after this Friday he'll be fully cooked and ready to make his grand entrance, but we all hope he just comes on his own! I've been so worried about Jen because she's had elevated BP and lots of swelling - but only in her feet which I think is good! We also got the news that he is not a "monster" baby the way he's measuring, so that's a relief, especially for her :)
She's been on modified bedrest for about a month, but was able to go to the movies with me, Holly & Magan to see Sex & The City 2 (wait for redbox...) and to Carol & Steve's beautiful wedding on Saturday! So that was fun! It's so sweet to see Jay talk about when the baby comes and joke about what he will and will not film, etc. He's just going to be the cutest daddy everrrr! Ah, and Jen's going to be an ah-mazing Mommy. She's a natural! I can't wait to get my hands on that little boy, if you can't tell!

I'll try to update tomorrow with all of the info from my appt with Fuzz!
And I may edit this later, because it's kinda wizzeak!

NMW <3