Weigh in Wednesdayyy

So here we have it, once again, it's Weigh in Wednesday! I told myself I'd just write the update, and actually blog when I felt like it, be it Wednesday or Sunday... but now feels like a good time to get some things out.

Weigh In:
The scale teetered between 196 and 196.5 so we're DEF going with 196 :)
Once again - 1 pound this week. I'm okay with it though! Slow & steady wins the race! Like I've always said - a year ago, I would've probably gained a pound, so I'm not discouraged in the least! Any amount is fine with me! Okay, I'm fibbing a little... I'd love to get back to those days when I was losing 3 lbs a day - ha! But that was short lived and completely unrealistic, so, I'm just adjusting to this new way of losing!

This has actually been kind of a hard week. I've mentioned before that my hormones seem to be kind of out of whack, and it's not that surprising considering all the changes going on not only with myself, but with all the preggos around me! I'm sure in some chemical way those emotions rub off on me?? Idk. I'll ask my uhh lady doctor next time I go.. which is next Monday! I'm excited, because it's now been a year (obvs) since I've seen her, and she's the one who started me on this whole journey, when she mentioned Cushings. She's the reason for the endocrynologist visits, bloodwork, diabetes test, MRI, ultrasounds and dreadful Metformin. Ugh. I doubt she'll remember that she made me cry when she mentioned the possibility of an answer to my problems, and I doubt even more that she'll care that she sent my emotions on the biggest roller coaster of my life.

I do, however, hope that she realizes how far I've come when she sees how drastically my weight has decreased since my last visit, a year ago. I hope she tells me that my PCOS has gone or is going away. I know she will give me good news, I just have that feeling! I really need to be reassured that I'm not infertile. Although I don't want to have children for a few years, I want to know that I have the option! I want to know that my life's choices are in mine and God's hands, not PCOS's. So, I've done what I can, now let's hope we're atleast 1/2 way there in that department as well! Maybe I'll only have 15 cysts on each ovary vs 30+! Ha!

I am so pleased with myself when I look back at how far I've come. It gets harder everyday to see the results, because the weight loss has slowed down somewhat, but when people say I "look different" when they haven't seen me in a while, or even have no idea about my surgery, it just makes me feel warm & fuzzy :) I try not to say, "ah, yes, my hair is darker... but I also lost 50 pounds... wapachowwww! (it sounds right in my head)" but that's what I'm thinking the whole time.

I don't know why, but I've been crazy mood-swingy lately. Like, even more so than usual. I've let little things that usually wouldn't bother me, get under my skin. It's weird, and not (very much) like me... I mean... sure I have a jealous side, but who doesn't? I just don't understand some people. And I feel bad when I take it out on Brian. I feel a pang of jealousy when his friends that are girls write on his facebook or text him, not because I don't trust him - not in the slightest. But because I don't trust them. Because, at some point in the past century, girls started reversing the role! And forgetting their role for that matter! It's just annoying. And I get so upset with myself when I take it out on him, as if he did something wrong. But as soon as I do, he gives me a kiss and tells me to quit worrying about it, leave it in the past, and all is well in the world :)

He has a way of calming my nerves that no one but my Daddy has ever been able to do. When I get upset, he reminds me to breathe, when I have my panic attacks he says things that are only funny to us, and he makes me laugh until I forget what I was upset about to begin with. I remind him regularly that he's amazing, and I hope he never forgets that. He's my best friend and my confidant. He knows his role and he never oversteps his boundaries. He knows when there are things that I can only talk about with my best girl friends, and he knows when to just "not talk about it." I never thought I could care about someone who was not family this much, but clearly, since I've devoted so much of this blog to him... he's got a hold on me. :)

In other exciting news.... one of my best friends Holly got engaged on her birthday last Friday!!! Yayayayyay! Alex proposed, and after a few seconds of shock, she said, YES! :) I am so excited for them - they really are the perfect match for each other! It's pretty dang precious, and she's glowing. Magan and I went out Saturday night for her bday/engagement with her sister and we had soo much fun. I forgot what it was like to just sit back with the girls and... be funny. We're trying to bring back the word "frump" (think "fetch" in the movie Mean Girls) and so far, it's taken on a whole new meaning. Bahah. I am so happy that Holly has moved home and it makes me so glad that she lives close so I can be involved in wedding planning! Yay!

Erin comes home this weekend, I can't even tell you how excited this makes me. E baby is probably the closest thing to a soul sister I've ever had other than my own. She's got a heart as genuine as mine and a mind that questions everything just the same. Our heart to hearts and long chats about life, love and everything under the sun, bring my soul to peace and put my mind at ease, until the next time, then I just get really anxious for a heart to heart again, as soon as that one is over!

At this point, I'm making a lot of progress.. I still don't have the confidence on a daily basis that I want to have, but I'm learning to reign in my insecurities at times, and not let my emotions [always] get the best of me. I'm learning to have patience and to rely on other people for support as needed. I'm praying a lot and letting God lead me to where I'm supposed to be in this life. I'm not sure I'm in the right place or even halfway there, but what I do know is that I'm okay!

NMW,

Becky