WIW Wearing pants from High School!

Weigh in Wednesdayyyyy comes to you with joy today! I will be completely honest, I did not weigh myself this morning! Omg, I know. Uber fail. Problem was that I did not have my scale at the condo this morning because I've been kind of all over the place lately! My apologies, weight watchers! But I can just about guarantee there's been no change... mayyyybe a pound? I'll check/update this tomorrow morning!

So this week... hmm... it's been kind of a blur! There's been a LOT going on in my life but not necessarily all bad things. A lot of challenges but also a few steps in the right direction of growth and well being!

Last Wednesday my roommate/bestie Magan and I went to First Assembly for their evening service. It wasn't what I expected as it was mostly directed towards the youth, but the message was good, and we felt so much better when we left... I think we left a lot of baggage in that pew! And then we went home and both went to bed rather than going to Mossy's as we usually would on any given Wednesday. A shift in lifestyle is something I've been craving for a while. I'm going to try to find different Wednesday night services to try around the community, and just feel things out until I find something that suits me! Especially with being out of town every weekend (which I love!) I can't exactly attend Sunday services as I'd like, quite yet!

Speaking of being out of town, this past weekend was aaamazing! I know I rave about my nephew a lot, but seriously... he's the bestttt. He has no idea how much power his smile and giggle hold, but he really makes me feel like there is hope for the world. He's going to take it by storm when he grows up! My sister and Jay took me along with them to Hilton Head for a wedding which just happened to be at a gorgeous resort! We stayed with some of their friends who were all so fun and didn't make me and G feel like the 7th & 8th wheels at all :) He and I got to spend lots of quality time together while the "adults" attended functions and the wedding itself. We even made it out to the pool both days - he's so so precious and I wouldn't have wanted to spend my weekend any other way or place!

So I've been going through a lot of "tough stuff" lately and thankfully, God is bringing me through it day by day. It's so nice to have so many friends who are there to listen and to support me everyday, but some things you just have to take to the professionals. I went to meet with my psychologist, Dr. Jeff Smith, who is the same one I have seen throughout the whole surgery process. He's on Fuzz's team and there's a reason for that! He made me realize that a lot of what was going on in my head was completely self imposed. I was beating myself up for things beyond my control, yet controllable by me.

I recently quit drinking alcohol. This was something I intended to do/maintain before and after surgery - for at least a year, I said. But I didn't hold up my end of the bargain. I started losing weight but it wasn't fixing everything, so I fell back on my promise to myself, and got back in the mentality that I needed to drink to deal with my problems... I know my family history on both sides and this was not a wise choice on my part. But, I was doing what I do best, by dealing with things the best way I knew how. Even though I have been reaffirming my faith, I still have some kinks to work out - drinking is/was one of them. I don't think I'm a bad person for drinking, nor do I think anyone who drinks is! What I do think is that I was a binge drinker - have been ever since college, heck, high school. I thought it made me more fun, more sociable, more confident. Really it was just a crutch for me, and half of my friends will tell you I'm really not much fun when I'm drunk. Quite annoying if they're sober!

What I've also come to find is that I'm not wired like everyone else. If I were, what would be the fun in that? But what I mean is that I was born with a gene that would love for me to be a full fledged alcoholic. It's a gene enables me to drink a lot more than others without feeling completely wasted or feeling like "I'm fine." I'm not blaming anything on my lineage, my lap band, or anyone at all. I'm blaming it on the cards I was dealt. It was in the cards for me to find pleasure in drinking. Why wasn't I one of those people who can't stand the taste of alcohol? Who knows... but what I do know is that I have the ability to change my habits and my lifestyle. I haven't drank in a week & 1/2, but I can't say that I haven't missed it every once in a while.

I just need to get things in check and stop trying to numb my pain with things like alcohol. Up until this point I have been very much stuck in the college mentality, as have a lot of my single friends. As Jeff pointed out, there's really not much to do around here if you're single other than... go to the bar! It's quite sad, but busying myself with other activities should help. Andd going out of town every weekend is definitely helping! I don't have to wonder what I might be missing out on because I'm not just sitting at home twiddling my thumbs :) I also realize that alcohol contains empty calories and that I can probably blame a good portion of my "plateau" weeks on that alone. Sad, but true.

But, enough about that! How about some good things?? This morning as I was walking in the building, my boss's boss and a supervisor were standing there talking and just as they thought I was out of earshot one said "She's just so sweet!" and the other said "she really is!" It was just so nice to hear them say that, since I have had so much more interaction with them now than I did before. It just tickled me pink!

I have my appointment with Fuzz this Friday and I'm suuuper excited about that. I may regret it later, but I really think I'm ready for a fill. I just don't feel quite as restricted in my eating as I think I probably should. Maybe I'm just getting used to it? Idk! But I look forward to hearing what he has to say! Jeff was quite impressed with my progress, and once again, shocked at how well I've done in just 6 months. He said in 17 pounds I will have reached their 2-3 year goal for me. He also said that if my results were the norm, there would be no need for advertisement by the Lap Band company ;)

I've posted pictures from March, June and September (last night) and you can see what I mean when I say, the numbers don't matter to me as much anymore. I can really, really, tell a difference now in how I look! Even just in the past 3 months when the pounds have been coming off slower... they're still coming off and the transformation is happening whether I realize it week to week or not! It's insane to me but I am so super proud of myself and my progress, and I just can't help but be determined to get to my goal asap! I want to be there by May for Andrea's wedding. At first I thought that I wouldn't get there for a couple of years... but now I'm thinking I'll be pretty dang close by then!

Holly and I went to the Y last night.... yeah.... I haven't mentioned it in a while because I was pretty embarassed that I haven't been going as regularly! I could blame it on so many things, but really I was just being lazy and superr tired after work and not really feeling like doing anything but reading my book or doing anything but work out! But once again, I'm sucked in! It's just so stress relieving!

I was AMAZED... amazed I tell you! By the fact that I did not break a sweat during my first 10 minutes on the treadmill. All that walking/slight jogging can be credited for that! And then, I was even more shocked that I barely broke a sweat doing all the machines in my usual routine! And that's not all folks... I also didn't sweat profusely after that workout during the second 10 minutes on the treadmill. I kid you not! I used to be a sweaty messss when I got done. Like, a hot mess. But I got back to the condo last night and the first thing I said to Magan was: "Look at me!" She immediately said, "OMG, you're not sweaty!!!" How awesome is that? Maybe I've hit the magic number of sweat-be-gone? We shall see.. that'd be super fabulous, because if you know me, you know how much I hateee it!

Regardless, I love the results that all the massive amounts of sweat, little bit of blood, and superfluous amount of tears have accomplished! I am so glad that I made the decision to have this procedure and I have yet to regret doing so. I just need to tweak some things and focus more on my faith and religion and all those good things, and the rest will fall into place as it should!

NMW,

<3

WiW! Be The Change...

Today's WIW is exciting in so many ways. I've lost 3 pounds... count 'em... 1.. 2.. 3 pounds this week! That puts me at 178. 13 pounds away from my first goal of 165. Say whaaaat? That's an amazing feeling. I've never in my life reached a weight loss goal that I've had set for me, but by George I WILL make it to this one and keep going!

So... my life has been somewhat in a tailspin this past week. My mind has been going a million different directions and God has put some things on my plate that I know He knows I can handle. Sometimes I'm not sure why He trusts me so much. These things are a true test of my ability to fully rely on Him. I'm not going to go into detail for my own privacy's sake, but I ask that you understand when I say that if you are a person who believes in prayer, include me in yours daily.

All I know is that I'm on the right path right now. I can finally see parts of my purpose clearly and although it's going to take a longg time for me to even begin to say that I am a good Christian again, I know what I need to do to prepare myself for His plans for me. The next few weeks, months, even years, are going to be strenuous but I feel like He's going to use me to change the lives of others. The lives of just one, even if I don't know them, would be enough. My hope is that I will use my experiences and my mistakes and my past to help someone see that all hope is not lost. That someone still believes in them and still thinks they are salvagable.

That's what my friend Ashley Teague did for me. She showed me that God still loves me no matter what (NMW <3, I just knew this would come full circle!), just with a simple conversation that she probably thought would bear little weight... little did she know it was exactly the conversation I needed to have. I've said recently that I'm not quite ready to go back to church, however, during our conversation she mentioned something called God Encounters at her church, Calvary Baptist, that was getting ready to start back up. This consists of a group of women that come together for song, worship and to listen to speakers give their testimony, tell their story, simply be women, be sisters and help others to know that they're not alone.

That's where we went last night. We listened to two amazing women tell their stories, and although their lives seem almost perfect now based on the American Dream, they struggled to get there. They weren't just born perfect Christians with amazing lives. They are still works in progress and will be their entire lives. As will I. I was bawling by the end of it and I wasn't the least bit embarassed because I had a best friend right beside me to comfort me just as God intended.

I'm also a work in progress with my weight, I'm a work in progress with my lifestyle, I'm a work in progress with my faith and I'm a work in progress with my attitude towards life, people, my family, my friends, my God. I am never going to be perfect even if I am the perfect weight for my height, by medical and societal standards. I'm still going to make mistakes because that's what God intends for me to do. He has a tendancy to make Himself seen in the most unlikely ways. His reason for things is almost never clear in the present, but as Ash and I talked about last night, hindsight is always 20/20 and everything really does happen for a reason.

I'm glad I learn the hard way and I'm glad that I have to reach a certain point or hit some brick wall in order to learn a lesson. Why? Because any other way I wouldn't learn. Don't get me wrong, I'm a good kid and I was raised well. I have been blessed beyond what I sometimes believe I deserve, but I've never, a day in my life, gone without being grateful. I can be a brat sometimes, but can't we all? I'm my Daddy's little girl, and I'm God's little girl, and I will be my whole life. I'm ok with that. But what I'm not okay with is learning lessons and keeping them to myself. One of these days I'll spill my guts about everything I've learned, to the public eye. But this is neither the time nor the place for such.

I'll take what I've learned and I'll share it with my friends. I'll plead with them not to make the same mistakes I have. Not to put themselves in situations that their hearts tell them are going to lead them down the wrong path. That just because they've won a battle, it doesn't mean they've won a war. Everyday is a war against ourselves and a war against all evil. I don't want to come off as righteous by any means, but I do want to come off as someone who has been there, done that, got that t-shirt and doesn't want anyone else I love or care about to feel that pain.

I want to keep my friends around as long as possible and I want them to know that no matter what they chose to do with their lives I will stand by them and support them, as long as they're not in prison ;) But maybe even then, because that's just the type of person I am. I'm scared of where life may have led me had I continued down the wrong path. It's kind of like my weight... if I had kept gaining 10 pounds a year and not gotten control, I may have been dead by 50. Who knows.

If I kept letting bad outweigh good, I could've wound up dead by 30. That's what scares me. I had to make a change for myself. I still have a lot of changes to make. I'm still scared. I'm almost scared of what being a good Christian entails. I know that sounds ridiculous, but if it means that other people will look to me for guidance and for an example to follow, goodness, that's a lot of pressure! I'm not quite ready for all of that. But luckily I know that I'm not expected to have all the answers or don a halo at all times. I'm only expected to try and be the most outstanding Christian by my own definition as possible.

I hope that God will help me through all that I'm going through and with the amazing family and close friends that I have, I know He will. I have no doubt whatsoever in Him. I'm turning the page on that life I led for many, many years, and I'm finally letting Him pull me out of the pit life threw me in. It's hard to surrender to anyone, but it's harder to be prisoner to yourself.

NMW,

<3

This song means more to me than most, and I lovee songs. Corey Smith is dear to my soul and while most of his songs aren't very deep ;) this one really strikes a chord in me. This is what I strive to be for those in my life:

Carry the world on your shoulders, for a little while,
Put on someone else shoes, and walk around.
So many cups a runneth over, while so many goin dry
The grass ain't always green on the other side.
There's still a lot of work to be done,
A lot of wrongs to right, a lot of battles to be won.
If you can be the change you wanna see,
Be the hope to those who lives are far from easy.
Reach out and lend a hand, share everything you can,
And be the change, be the change.

WIW!

Weigh in Wednesday here we are again!

This week I've shed another pound. Which puts me at 181! Which also puts me at 80% of where my doctors expect me to be... overall. But I'm only 6 months out! Wahbam! I'm incredibly proud of myself for making it this far so quickly. It's taken a lottt of perserverence and determination, but I've done it and I'm at a really good place with myself right now.

I'm finally finding peace with who I am in with who I want to be. I've figured myself out and in the process, if you've read my letter to myself, you know I'm trying to find my faith again. I always knew something would lead me back to God, but I didn't know how, when or why. I've tried many a time to go back to church or to find a new church, but I still haven't gotten to that point. I'm not sure when I will, but right now, I'm just praying a lot and hoping that He leads me to a good new church home eventually. I'm in no rush, I'm just reading a lot and getting inspired by the words of some amazing Christian authors.

So far I've delved into one by Max Lucado, "God Came Near" which personifies God in a more tangible way. Less as a "gray matter" and more as a "best friend whose face you can see and whose shoulder you can lean on." That's what I've been missing. It's taken me a while to realize what was missing and I feel silly for even admitting that it took me this long to come to terms with what I already knew in my heart. There was a hole that has been there for several years, and I'm ready to fill that void with His unconditional, requited love. I have every knowledge and faith that He will help me to become whole one day at a time.

I'm also trying to figure out what my calling is in this life. I've always said I want to "work with people, helping people." And although I do love love love that I am able to help people at my job, I feel that I'm meant to be more interactive. More faces, less papers. I see myself staying here for a while, but not forever. I think my heart has always been and always will be in Education and that is something I am going to start doing research on, and praying about. I don't know where it will lead me, but something tells me that I'd be much happier and fulfilled as an Elementary teacher. I feel I missed my calling, and I think that's because I doubted myself and my capabilities in college. I regret that now, but I forgive myself for that, and I know that with this confidence I can do much more than I ever thought possible.

I've always been more capable than I give myself credit for and that is something that I'm working out. I honestly never thought that I could lose weight. I just saw myself gaining 10 pounds a year for my whole life. How sad is that?? I had given up. I had lost faith in myself, in my strength, in God and in.. well.. everything! Without those things, who was I? Just a 25 year old girl, tryin to get by. Granted, I've done a LOT of things in my life. I've traveled the world, I've graduated from an excellent University, I've bought my own condo, I've loved, I've had my heart broken, I've broken hearts, and I've made differences in many lives. But all of those things mean nothing when you're not fully fulfilled. As Beth Moore (another amazing author whose book I'm currently reading) would say, I've been living in a "pit."

I've noticed how my weight loss has effected so many people. In a previous blog I wondered how long it would take for people to notice.... well, the magic number, I'll have you know, is 50 pounds. Not that they weren't noticing before, but dude, they really know somethings up now! Most people ask, what gives?? And they are intensely intrigued when I explain that I had Lap-Band surgery. It gives me no greater joy than to answer their numerous questions or to guide them in the direction of Dr. Fernandez, e-mailing them website information, insurance information, anything I can get my hands on that they may need. I've done this for a handfull of people and each time it makes me feel so hopeful for them and it brings me such happiness to have been able to help. Whether they pursue the surgery or not, they know that there's hope for them and that they're not alone. They can always come back to me for support and advice and just a shoulder to cry on if nothing else.

If I can make this kind of impact on people with my physical changes, I can only imagine what this spiritual journey will bring. I look forward to the day when I am so contently happy that they ask me what gives? I'll tell them I found my purpose in life and I found my place in this universe. I'll tell them it all started when I reaffirmed my faith in God. I won't force it on them, just as I would never recommend to someone that they should have Lap-Band surgery.. it's just not my place to say that!

What I will do is give them all the resources I can get my hands on. The books I've read, the words that have opened my heart again to a life that I abandoned many moons ago. If they ask what promted it, I'll tell them I got to a point where I realized I needed help. I couldn't go on like this. That I cried by myself before I realized that the one person who I could turn to besides my parents or my sister, who would never turn their back on me, was God. That I cried on His shoulder that night in September as I read a simple book and He embraced me like a best friend, like a parent, like a sibling. I'll tell them it was eerily similar to the night I broke down to my Mom and relinquished my rights to a life full of dieting.

With that said, I'm not saying I'm going to change. Sure, mentally and spiritually I will. But that's just within me. These things have nothing to do with my personality and just like my uplifted confidence, I'm certain these changes in my soul will continually bring a genuine smile to my face and help me to maintain the happy go lucky attitude that I try to maintain... although sometimes I find myself in the "pit." I hope to find that I will eventually be able to come off of my anxiety medicine - which, mind you, would be the very last prescription I am currently taking! I hope that I can let go of things enough not to stress out about them. I hope that I can trust that I can hand them over and have faith that everything will work out just the way it should.

My sister reminded me last night that one of her favorite quotes is: "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." ~ Max Ehrmann's "Desiderata"
And, being the little sister copycat that I am, I, of course, lovee this quote as well! My Mom shared "Desiderata" with us, and has for years. It was a poster in her college dorm room which is absolutely fitting! If you haven't read it I encourage you to do so: http://www.lordtonymackenzie.com/desiderata.html

If there's anything this weight loss journey has taught me it's that sometimes things are beyond our control. Sometimes we have to let the Doctors do their jobs, we have to let our friends give us advice, we have to turn to our parents when we're scared, we have to surround ourselves with laughing babies who give us "monkey hugs," we have to remember that we have an amazing God. Whether or not we're willing to take that into consideration is, however, in our control. I hate cliches but the one thing that has been running on a continuous loop in my brain, with good reason, is one that speaks volumes to me and has really opened my eyes:

"Let go and let God."

Okay so now that I feel like I just gave my entire testimonial, I hope that y'all don't think I've gone off the deep end ;) Quite a change of pace for me huh? But honestly, this is the point of my blog. This is my diary that I've opened up to the entire world. Which is clear to me as everyday I'm astonished to see the different countries from which people have read this blog! Ecuador is the only random country that makes any sense, b/c my best friend was there on a trip a couple of months ago. But the cool thing is that now you can see "stats" including how many times your blog has been read, what country they were in, and what the source was that brought them to your blog. Nothing as big brother as knowing exactly who was reading it, but veryy cool to think that someone in Denmark of all places has come upon my posts just today! I think that's just awesome!!!

Speaking of different countries, part of what has helped me to get to this peaceful place was a simple chat that left a lasting impact on my heart. I was chatting with my sweet cousin Frances who is my age but lives in Bermuda, therefore we haven't seen in other in yearsss since I've been there and haven't been able to grow up together as much as we would've liked! Although we've tried to meet up while she's been in the states, something always got in my way. Well, thanks to this blog, she's been keeping up with all of my progress, all of my ups and downs, and has cheered me along the way. To me, my cousin was always some figment (a mere product of mental invention; a fantastic notion) not of my imagiation, because I knew full and well she was real :) But as some character living in a fairytale land on a tropical island where everything is grand and everything is magnificent.

Thanks to Facebook, we were able to have a wonderful "heart to heart" as I love to call them. Come to find out, our lives are very similar. Although physically we are polar opposites, she being tall, skinny, exotic and gorgeous, me being short, plump, ordinary and gorgeous ;) we are so similar in our mindsets and how we deal with things. We've both been hurt more than we'd like to remember by guys we'd like to forget. We've both experienced the loss of loved ones and we've both turned to God in our darkest days. I didn't feel the least bit like I should hold anything back from her, as if we'd been best friends for years. That one chat will be one of many to come, I'm sure of it!

I am so incredibly blessed to have family around the world and even more blessed to have so many people not only in my everyday life but who I may not even know from Adam who are rooting for me and cheering me on. It's an incredible feeling to know that people care so much, and if I could thank each one of you personally, I would, and I hope that I do as often as possible. It would sound like more of an award speech and I've still got a ways to go before I hit the finish line... but I may have a trophy made for myself when I do reach my goal. Justtt jokingggg!

I've been super busy today doing 3 different jobs.. ask and you shall receive :) But having written most of this on my lunch break, and coming back to it periodically, I'm not sure how well this flows... oh well! :) I must apologize for the long-winded entries the past couple of days... I've just got a lot on my mind!

NMW,
<3

Letter to the Mid-Way Point Editor

Rebecca Anne Page,
Look at you! You're a beautiful woman! You've come a longg way kid! Don't believe me? Check your facebook. Look at your profile picture. Look at all the comments full of compliments. You'll believe me!

Guess what? Today, not even 6 months out of surgery, you're 80% of the way to your first goal of 165. That's right! You're giving weightloss a run for it's money. It's incredible the amount of weight you've lost in such a short period of time, did you forget? You tend to forget. You silly girl. You get so wrapped up in the day to day that you forget to reflect on the time that has gone by since the first letter. The letter in which you promised to love yourself no matter what and kick your own ass if you started to feel insecure.

How many times have you had to do that so far? Like a bajillion. I don't know why but I'm willing to bet money that it's not because of anyone elses opinion of your body, but because of your own. Actually, that's a fact. Everyone sees how far you've come. You should see it too. Just because you feel a little blah some days, that doesn't mean you're any less beautiful, it just means you're human. You're allowed to have days when your hair is a frizzy mess and your belly pokes out more than you'd like. You're allowed to feel like you don't want to get off the couch every once in a while. But only every once in a while.

You're making soo much progress mentally and spiritually. The physical aspect has become soo much easier and your hard work and determination are just becoming a part of who you are. Whodda thunk? Your discipline is something to be proud of. You know your limits and you know when you've had enough. Sure, you get sick every once in a while, but you've learned your lessons and learned so much in the way of how to live life as a bandster. It's not been an easy process by any means, but by golly, you rolled up your pants, put your gluttony behind you, and changed your lifestyle for the better. You made the most incredible decision of your life and you have never for a second taken it for granted.

However, you have taken yourself for granted. You've forgotten how caring and compassionate you are. You've forgotten that you give 110% in every single relationship be it friendship or acquaintance. There's nothing wrong with that if you like being taken advantage of. But learn to have walls for goodness sake. Have your guard up until its truly ready to come down.

I can't say that you haven't learned a lot about yourself though. You've learned to be assertive. Girl, you know what you want and you go for it! You may not always get what you want but you can never say you didn't atleast try and give your all. Always remember to be careful what you wish for though, because we know the grass isn't always greener on the other side and sometimes it's better to just let the weeds overtake those lawns..

Remember how 6 months ago... a year ago... you were desperate for love? You're at the midway point in that aspect as well. In the past few weeks and days you've done a lot of reflection based on the advice of others. You've said so many times that you don't need a boyfriend, yadda yadda yadda, but deep inside and to others you made it clear that you desperately wanted one. Someone to make you feel whole, to make you feel wanted, to bring you all that happiness and joy that love brings. And sure it's been the butt of many of your jokes... (i.e... if you find me a husband we can all go on a cruise!) but low and behold, it took several people telling you that this is not at all what you need right now, to realize that they are right.

At this point, you're slowly overcoming that insecure need for a partner. You don't feel (as much) the need to conform to societys norm of having a boyfriend. And why should you? You're not ready! You're still so young and impressionable and you still have so much that you want to do by yourself that will help you to grow into the woman that you will be when you do finally meet the right guy. It seems like it will never happen, but this is where you just have to "let go and let God." Have faith.

Faith, that's another subject we should discuss. In the last couple of weeks but most notably the past few days something inside of you has been yearning and reaching and grasping for faith. You're to the point now where you want to get back to the place where you were when you were young and innocent and full heartedly loved God. You were such a devout Chrsitian and so in love with your religion. What happened to that sweet angel? At what point did she get sidetracked? When it wasn't as cool to go to church? When you started partying? When you started hanging out with the wrong crowd? When every mistake you made and every regret you had made you feel like there's absolutely no way God could ever forgive you for the things you had done? In retrospect, they really weren't that bad you melodramatic drama queen, you! ;)

God forgives and forgets. He knows that you did not treat your body as the temple that He created. He knows you aren't always completely honest. He knows you have put other people and things before Him more than a few times. He knows you forget to pray every once in a while. He knows you aren't as close with Him as you used to be. But He forgave you for all of these things. And He's already forgotten. Just like that. Clean slate. No grudge. No guilt trip. No judgement. He's amazing.

You're on a spiritual journey right now and my hope is that by the time you read this and the other letter, 6 months from now (who am I kidding, you'll read them atleast once a month!), that you have found peace. My wish for you is that you have found that piece of the puzzle that has been missing for so many years. I hope that you've become more comfortable talking to God about your problems rather than keeping them bottled up until you take all your anxiety out on some unsuspecting victim be it your family, friends, or this blog. Keep doing that, too, but don't forget about who knew your life plan before you were created. And always, always remember that He forgives and forgets.

You're really at a good place right now, 6 months post-op. Who knows where you'll be next week. Having reread the last 6 months worth of blogs.. you can really be a piece of work sometimes.. you know that? Of course you do! Sometimes I worry about the rollercoaster of emotions from week to week and month to month but I know that's just the way you're wired, and heck, maybe you have a tinge of bi-polar. But really, you just have a tendancy to base your happiness on fleeting things, but I think you're learning that those things are not what will make you genuinely, steadily happy. You know what to do and how to get there, so do it. Utilize your resources. You're good at that!

I hope you've kept yourself busy like you have been! I hope you still love going to the Y or walking at Tanglewood. Or that you love it even more! I hope you're running easily now. That would make Dad SO proud! You're starting to take small strides towards being a runner, and it's not as bad as you thought it would be, huh? Keep up the good work! I hope you've taken up some interesting hobbies to add some spice to your life! I hope you've found a class that interests you and I reallyy hope you've figured out what you want to go back to school for, and have started the process of doing so!

I hope you're still reading books like crazy. What took you so long to take up reading again? Because it's the best pasttime since the gym you've found in a long time! The days of only having time to read while on vacation are long gone. Books are going to help you a lot in this growth process, I just know it.

Go look in the mirror. Look how far you've come. You may have lost 10 pounds in 6 months or you may have already met all of your goals. Heck, you may have maintained 182 for 6 months. Regardless. Go look in the mirror. Look how much you've changed. See what people see. See what those who never knew you at 245 pounds see. See what those who love you and are so incredibly happy for you see. See the girl who radiates from the inside out. See the passion that she has in her big brown eyes like her Daddy's. See the love that's inside that mind and that heart, and reciprocate that. Love her unconditionally. Love her every day of your life and never forget that it's just you against the world.

No one can make you feel as amazing about yourself as you can and no one will ever be able to if you don't feel that way inside and out. Keep that smile on your face but don't let it hide the pain that you're in. Realize that we all have our moments. No one is perfect and no one expects you to be happy constantly. But don't mask it until you break or you'll never be whole.

It's okay to still be dependent on your Mom, Dad, sister and best friends. It's okay to ask for help or to reach out when you need motivation. It's okay to say it's hard and it's okay to admit when you haven't been to the gym in a while. It's okay to say that you're not sure you can do something, but that you'll give it your best shot.

Just because you make it to your goal, don't get too comfortable. Don't think that the party is over and the game is done. This will be a lifelong battle and something that you'll have to work at everyday of your life. Don't think you can just go back to your old life once you've lost the weight. Remember you're in this for good and you never want to go back to where you were. Don't lose sight of your goals and of your God like you have in the past.

If you feel like you're struggling with your faith, take matters into your own hands and ask for guidance from someone who will understand where you're coming from and has been in your shoes. Everyone has felt the same way at some point or another and you're selfish sometimes in thinking that you're the only one.

Most of all, keep loving those around you with your whole heart and then some. They really do appreciate it and they really do need that love, sympathy, empathy and compassion that you so desperately want to give. Although you don't always know the right thing to say, be the listening ear that they need, because that's what they do for you. Don't ever forget that you are needed. Someone, somewhere, needs you every minute of the day whether you or they realize it or not. It's okay to depend on others as long as you're not completely codependent!

Someday you'll look back on this journey to your new life and you'll understand why you went through all the trials and tribulations you were faced with. It will all make sense in retrospect. Doesn't it always? You may not understand why things have always been more difficult for you, but they've made you so much stronger, and they continue to do so. Everyday.

Remember how proud your parents are of the progress you have made. Not only physically, but in your maturity. You've made many strides in becoming the woman you and they always knew you could be and would be. You're halfway to where you want to be physically and you have no intention of giving up!

Keep up the momentum and anytime you start to get down on yourself, keep kicking your own ass and spark that fire in your heart. It's there. It may not always be flickering as brighly as you'd like, but it just needs a little help sometimes.

Keep loving yourself unconditionally and remember that above all, your relationship with God and your family are what matters over anything and everything combined.

I love you Becky!

No matter what!

<3

WIW - pound it!

Finallyyyy, I lost.... a pound. Just one though. Just one little pound! But a pound in the right direction versus the wrong direction is one that is always welcome with open arms! I'm now at 182 and not deterred in the slightest! Can't wait to get to the 170s, because I live for milestones!

I have a feeling this half of the battle is going to be the hardest. With less to lose, and less frequent follow-up/fill visits.. I'm going to have to kick it into 5th gear to shed the next 50. And, I'm gonna need to have lots of patience.. that's for sure. Patience has never been a hard task for me, I'm fairly well adjusted. But I get bored reallyy easily. I get tired of routines and structure, but sometimes those things are necessary, i.e. gym regimen. Instead of going to the Y last night, Mom and I walked around the neighborhood and all the way down to Bermuda Run West's entrance. A 2 mile hike when measured. It was fun! I even found a Calloway golf ball for Dad :)

A couple of things Lap-Band related have been bothering me lately though. At my last appointment Fuzz asked if I'd had any problems with hairloss. Umm... no... I shed hair like crazy so idk how it could be much worse. But then, at the pool on Saturday, a lot more than a little bit came out when I took my ponytail down. It was weird. I'm going to mention this at my next appointment, and find out what to do to prevent my locks from leaving me!

Also, idk what the deal is, but I've had a hard time keeping down my lunches. Never dinner, just lunch. It's gross and way TMI (skip to next paragraph weak stomached weight watchers!) but if I eat too fast, as I usually do with a rushed lunch hour, I get all stopped up. Things just don't want to pass through. And duh, I know this, but sometimes I just forget. It's easier said than done to chew 30 times and take 30 minutes to eat. So, sometimes, if I feel like somethings not digesting, instead of walking around, I excuse myself and run to the bathroom only to cough up said blockage. It's gross. And I hatee it when it happens. But sometimes the simplest things, like bbq which I love and refuse to not eat (carefully) can get stuck. It sucks. But it's only happened a couple of times, and I think there's definitely more to it, but I'll just have to discuss these things with Fuzz next time I see him. Meanwhile I just need to be smarter and more careful about eatling lunch!

So this is week 3 of my new job. And let me tell you... it is wonderful! Matt just asked me in the elevator if I missed my old job yet. "Not at all!" was my appropriate response. He said he knew I was bored sometimes (Oh, sweet, gentle giant, you fail to realize that it takes me an hour to do the work that you give me.) but assured me that we would find more tasks for me to do. Which is great. I can do anything as long as you give me instructions so hopefully they can utilize me in a lot of different ways!

I'm bored with life in general kinda.. I mean. Don't get me wrong, I hateee drama. But when there's none, I get bored. I kinda feel like I've fallen off the friend wagon with some of my friends, and that makes me sad. I expressed it to a couple of them yesterday, out of self pity, and just kinda told them that I felt like I've been left out lately. Which I totally understand, but it didn't used to be that way, and I'm not sure what changed... I mean, I understood before when they told me that it was because of a certain person, but that's not an issue these days, soo.. it's just me? Idk. I'm definitely feeling sorry for myself, and pms-ing, so I'm blaming it on that.

I hate hate hate feeling sorry for myself, because my Mother raised me better than that. I am incrediblyy grateful for my friends and family and the ones who go out of their way to help and support me, especially. But like I said, when people quit inviting you to do things or to hang out, you start to notice, and you start to get bummed out. I still feel guilty about falling asleep last Friday when Ash & Kelly wanted to hang out, but after a long week my body just completely shut down. I think it needed that evening of rest, and luckily it was a longg weekend at that!

I spent much of the weekend workin on my tan! There's something to be said about a tan. It makes you feel soo much better. I'll never be caught without sunscreen after my Dad's bouts with skin cancer and my excruciating experience of sun poisoning from the lake last year, but something about soaking up the healthy rays and getting all bronzed up just does wonders for ones self esteem!

I even ventured out in one of my sister's old bikinis for a couple of those days, until my lily white tummy, even with sunscreen, started to get too pink for my liking/comfort! It was quite a test of confidence and I didn't feel as whale-ish as I thought I would! Eek. I told myself I had to muster up the courage atleast once this summer so that I can have something to look forward to/motivate me to have a bikini bod for the entire summer next year :)

Life is moving along as it should, but my gosh, I'm ready for vacations and exciting trips and whatnot! I love having things to look forward to, and I hate when they're over, I just get so anxious waiting for it to be time for them to happen. Don't we all?

There are a million things on my mind that I could go on and on about. About how I am starting to respect myself more and more, and expecting the same in return. About how I hope that I'm on the right career path. About how I am terrified about silly things. About how sad it makes me to see happy couples and wondering if I'm doomed to be alone for all my days. About how money sucks and is most definitely the root of all evil. And on.. and on.. and on. But, I won't! Life is good and I'm happy that things are simple for now!

NMW,
<3

Weigh In Wednesdayyyy

Well, once again.. no news! How boring! I wish I had something really exciting to report.. buttt.. I really don't.

I'm kind of giving myself a break. I've busted my butt to get this far, and now that I've gotten over the 50 pound mark, I'm just cruising for a bit! I feel like it's kind of necessary to take some time off every once in a while to regain perspective in any situation, so this is no different! I, of course, can't take a break from eating right, because that was a lifestyle change plus the band will always make for smaller portions (thank youuuu lap banddd for helping me not to pig out like I used to!).

I'm ready to start going back to the gym again, I just find myself making those same old excuses! "I'm soo tired" "I had a long day!" "I'm on vacation!" "I did really good last week!" etc. I need to get refocused and remotivated and not slack off just because I did so well for the first 5 months. It's hard, ya know? I'm not being very inspiring this week whatsoever! I think my mind/body/soul are just tired. Worn out. Exhausted. Fatigued. Playing catch up. Idk. But whew. I need a pick me up!

My confidence is still progressively getting stronger and more genuine everyday. I am finally realizing that I don't look the same on the outside as I used to, and that other people, especially those who didn't know me before, don't see who I used to be, and that's just crazy, so I show them pictures. Haha. It's amazing what can happen and I look forward to making more progress! I'm really glad that so far I haven't really had any issues with extra skin or anything. Something I was quite scared about. Not to say that it won't happen, but it'd be cool if it were a non-issue!

I've also gotten back into the dating scene... which is quite entertaining to say the least! It's funny. We live in the South but gentlemen, like my Daddy, are so hard to find these days. They are few and far between. They come off as having good intentions and then, wham! They turn out to be sex crazed teenagers trapped in 20-something bodies. Not shocking, to say the least, I mean, they're only human, and it's an innate trait. Nothing against men in general, just the ones I've met so far ;) I don't want to settle and I don't want to wait around forever... so I'm just going to take it as it comes and get some experience.. kissing toads and waiting for that prince like my sister says!

I took a much needed trip to the beach this past weekend with Magan and Ashley T. It was soo nice just to get away just for a couple of days. And one of the highlights was definitely buying a size 14 in jeans and a dress! Seriously. Shut the front door. I haven't been a 14 since I was 14. And granted, they're pretty snug, and I need to lose about 5 more pounds for them to be comfortable, but holy crap. 14! And the dress fit perfectly which was awesome because it was the only size they had other than 20s. I have dropped from a 24 to a 14. Wow. 5 sizes! Or maybe more like 4.5 for now. Regardless, woohoo!

I'm really looking forward to the next few weeks. Lots of trips planned! I'll be heading to the beach with my sis, Jay and the baby to play "nanny" while they go to a wedding at the end of this month, the following weekend we'll head down to Greenville for the ECU/UNC game and then leave for a week long family trip!!! Soo excited. Not exactly sure where we're going yet, but that's half the fun :) After we get back, the next weekend we'll head down to Jacksonville for my uncle's Naval Change of Command ceremony, which is exciting because I've missed every single one! Only this time he's phasing out, so I missed the really exciting ones!

I have a feeling that life is about to change for the better. I'm not sure how, when or why, but I just know that good things are coming my way, and the harder I work, the better it will be :)

NMW,
<3