Letter to the Mid-Way Point Editor

Rebecca Anne Page,
Look at you! You're a beautiful woman! You've come a longg way kid! Don't believe me? Check your facebook. Look at your profile picture. Look at all the comments full of compliments. You'll believe me!

Guess what? Today, not even 6 months out of surgery, you're 80% of the way to your first goal of 165. That's right! You're giving weightloss a run for it's money. It's incredible the amount of weight you've lost in such a short period of time, did you forget? You tend to forget. You silly girl. You get so wrapped up in the day to day that you forget to reflect on the time that has gone by since the first letter. The letter in which you promised to love yourself no matter what and kick your own ass if you started to feel insecure.

How many times have you had to do that so far? Like a bajillion. I don't know why but I'm willing to bet money that it's not because of anyone elses opinion of your body, but because of your own. Actually, that's a fact. Everyone sees how far you've come. You should see it too. Just because you feel a little blah some days, that doesn't mean you're any less beautiful, it just means you're human. You're allowed to have days when your hair is a frizzy mess and your belly pokes out more than you'd like. You're allowed to feel like you don't want to get off the couch every once in a while. But only every once in a while.

You're making soo much progress mentally and spiritually. The physical aspect has become soo much easier and your hard work and determination are just becoming a part of who you are. Whodda thunk? Your discipline is something to be proud of. You know your limits and you know when you've had enough. Sure, you get sick every once in a while, but you've learned your lessons and learned so much in the way of how to live life as a bandster. It's not been an easy process by any means, but by golly, you rolled up your pants, put your gluttony behind you, and changed your lifestyle for the better. You made the most incredible decision of your life and you have never for a second taken it for granted.

However, you have taken yourself for granted. You've forgotten how caring and compassionate you are. You've forgotten that you give 110% in every single relationship be it friendship or acquaintance. There's nothing wrong with that if you like being taken advantage of. But learn to have walls for goodness sake. Have your guard up until its truly ready to come down.

I can't say that you haven't learned a lot about yourself though. You've learned to be assertive. Girl, you know what you want and you go for it! You may not always get what you want but you can never say you didn't atleast try and give your all. Always remember to be careful what you wish for though, because we know the grass isn't always greener on the other side and sometimes it's better to just let the weeds overtake those lawns..

Remember how 6 months ago... a year ago... you were desperate for love? You're at the midway point in that aspect as well. In the past few weeks and days you've done a lot of reflection based on the advice of others. You've said so many times that you don't need a boyfriend, yadda yadda yadda, but deep inside and to others you made it clear that you desperately wanted one. Someone to make you feel whole, to make you feel wanted, to bring you all that happiness and joy that love brings. And sure it's been the butt of many of your jokes... (i.e... if you find me a husband we can all go on a cruise!) but low and behold, it took several people telling you that this is not at all what you need right now, to realize that they are right.

At this point, you're slowly overcoming that insecure need for a partner. You don't feel (as much) the need to conform to societys norm of having a boyfriend. And why should you? You're not ready! You're still so young and impressionable and you still have so much that you want to do by yourself that will help you to grow into the woman that you will be when you do finally meet the right guy. It seems like it will never happen, but this is where you just have to "let go and let God." Have faith.

Faith, that's another subject we should discuss. In the last couple of weeks but most notably the past few days something inside of you has been yearning and reaching and grasping for faith. You're to the point now where you want to get back to the place where you were when you were young and innocent and full heartedly loved God. You were such a devout Chrsitian and so in love with your religion. What happened to that sweet angel? At what point did she get sidetracked? When it wasn't as cool to go to church? When you started partying? When you started hanging out with the wrong crowd? When every mistake you made and every regret you had made you feel like there's absolutely no way God could ever forgive you for the things you had done? In retrospect, they really weren't that bad you melodramatic drama queen, you! ;)

God forgives and forgets. He knows that you did not treat your body as the temple that He created. He knows you aren't always completely honest. He knows you have put other people and things before Him more than a few times. He knows you forget to pray every once in a while. He knows you aren't as close with Him as you used to be. But He forgave you for all of these things. And He's already forgotten. Just like that. Clean slate. No grudge. No guilt trip. No judgement. He's amazing.

You're on a spiritual journey right now and my hope is that by the time you read this and the other letter, 6 months from now (who am I kidding, you'll read them atleast once a month!), that you have found peace. My wish for you is that you have found that piece of the puzzle that has been missing for so many years. I hope that you've become more comfortable talking to God about your problems rather than keeping them bottled up until you take all your anxiety out on some unsuspecting victim be it your family, friends, or this blog. Keep doing that, too, but don't forget about who knew your life plan before you were created. And always, always remember that He forgives and forgets.

You're really at a good place right now, 6 months post-op. Who knows where you'll be next week. Having reread the last 6 months worth of blogs.. you can really be a piece of work sometimes.. you know that? Of course you do! Sometimes I worry about the rollercoaster of emotions from week to week and month to month but I know that's just the way you're wired, and heck, maybe you have a tinge of bi-polar. But really, you just have a tendancy to base your happiness on fleeting things, but I think you're learning that those things are not what will make you genuinely, steadily happy. You know what to do and how to get there, so do it. Utilize your resources. You're good at that!

I hope you've kept yourself busy like you have been! I hope you still love going to the Y or walking at Tanglewood. Or that you love it even more! I hope you're running easily now. That would make Dad SO proud! You're starting to take small strides towards being a runner, and it's not as bad as you thought it would be, huh? Keep up the good work! I hope you've taken up some interesting hobbies to add some spice to your life! I hope you've found a class that interests you and I reallyy hope you've figured out what you want to go back to school for, and have started the process of doing so!

I hope you're still reading books like crazy. What took you so long to take up reading again? Because it's the best pasttime since the gym you've found in a long time! The days of only having time to read while on vacation are long gone. Books are going to help you a lot in this growth process, I just know it.

Go look in the mirror. Look how far you've come. You may have lost 10 pounds in 6 months or you may have already met all of your goals. Heck, you may have maintained 182 for 6 months. Regardless. Go look in the mirror. Look how much you've changed. See what people see. See what those who never knew you at 245 pounds see. See what those who love you and are so incredibly happy for you see. See the girl who radiates from the inside out. See the passion that she has in her big brown eyes like her Daddy's. See the love that's inside that mind and that heart, and reciprocate that. Love her unconditionally. Love her every day of your life and never forget that it's just you against the world.

No one can make you feel as amazing about yourself as you can and no one will ever be able to if you don't feel that way inside and out. Keep that smile on your face but don't let it hide the pain that you're in. Realize that we all have our moments. No one is perfect and no one expects you to be happy constantly. But don't mask it until you break or you'll never be whole.

It's okay to still be dependent on your Mom, Dad, sister and best friends. It's okay to ask for help or to reach out when you need motivation. It's okay to say it's hard and it's okay to admit when you haven't been to the gym in a while. It's okay to say that you're not sure you can do something, but that you'll give it your best shot.

Just because you make it to your goal, don't get too comfortable. Don't think that the party is over and the game is done. This will be a lifelong battle and something that you'll have to work at everyday of your life. Don't think you can just go back to your old life once you've lost the weight. Remember you're in this for good and you never want to go back to where you were. Don't lose sight of your goals and of your God like you have in the past.

If you feel like you're struggling with your faith, take matters into your own hands and ask for guidance from someone who will understand where you're coming from and has been in your shoes. Everyone has felt the same way at some point or another and you're selfish sometimes in thinking that you're the only one.

Most of all, keep loving those around you with your whole heart and then some. They really do appreciate it and they really do need that love, sympathy, empathy and compassion that you so desperately want to give. Although you don't always know the right thing to say, be the listening ear that they need, because that's what they do for you. Don't ever forget that you are needed. Someone, somewhere, needs you every minute of the day whether you or they realize it or not. It's okay to depend on others as long as you're not completely codependent!

Someday you'll look back on this journey to your new life and you'll understand why you went through all the trials and tribulations you were faced with. It will all make sense in retrospect. Doesn't it always? You may not understand why things have always been more difficult for you, but they've made you so much stronger, and they continue to do so. Everyday.

Remember how proud your parents are of the progress you have made. Not only physically, but in your maturity. You've made many strides in becoming the woman you and they always knew you could be and would be. You're halfway to where you want to be physically and you have no intention of giving up!

Keep up the momentum and anytime you start to get down on yourself, keep kicking your own ass and spark that fire in your heart. It's there. It may not always be flickering as brighly as you'd like, but it just needs a little help sometimes.

Keep loving yourself unconditionally and remember that above all, your relationship with God and your family are what matters over anything and everything combined.

I love you Becky!

No matter what!

<3