WiW! Be The Change...

Today's WIW is exciting in so many ways. I've lost 3 pounds... count 'em... 1.. 2.. 3 pounds this week! That puts me at 178. 13 pounds away from my first goal of 165. Say whaaaat? That's an amazing feeling. I've never in my life reached a weight loss goal that I've had set for me, but by George I WILL make it to this one and keep going!

So... my life has been somewhat in a tailspin this past week. My mind has been going a million different directions and God has put some things on my plate that I know He knows I can handle. Sometimes I'm not sure why He trusts me so much. These things are a true test of my ability to fully rely on Him. I'm not going to go into detail for my own privacy's sake, but I ask that you understand when I say that if you are a person who believes in prayer, include me in yours daily.

All I know is that I'm on the right path right now. I can finally see parts of my purpose clearly and although it's going to take a longg time for me to even begin to say that I am a good Christian again, I know what I need to do to prepare myself for His plans for me. The next few weeks, months, even years, are going to be strenuous but I feel like He's going to use me to change the lives of others. The lives of just one, even if I don't know them, would be enough. My hope is that I will use my experiences and my mistakes and my past to help someone see that all hope is not lost. That someone still believes in them and still thinks they are salvagable.

That's what my friend Ashley Teague did for me. She showed me that God still loves me no matter what (NMW <3, I just knew this would come full circle!), just with a simple conversation that she probably thought would bear little weight... little did she know it was exactly the conversation I needed to have. I've said recently that I'm not quite ready to go back to church, however, during our conversation she mentioned something called God Encounters at her church, Calvary Baptist, that was getting ready to start back up. This consists of a group of women that come together for song, worship and to listen to speakers give their testimony, tell their story, simply be women, be sisters and help others to know that they're not alone.

That's where we went last night. We listened to two amazing women tell their stories, and although their lives seem almost perfect now based on the American Dream, they struggled to get there. They weren't just born perfect Christians with amazing lives. They are still works in progress and will be their entire lives. As will I. I was bawling by the end of it and I wasn't the least bit embarassed because I had a best friend right beside me to comfort me just as God intended.

I'm also a work in progress with my weight, I'm a work in progress with my lifestyle, I'm a work in progress with my faith and I'm a work in progress with my attitude towards life, people, my family, my friends, my God. I am never going to be perfect even if I am the perfect weight for my height, by medical and societal standards. I'm still going to make mistakes because that's what God intends for me to do. He has a tendancy to make Himself seen in the most unlikely ways. His reason for things is almost never clear in the present, but as Ash and I talked about last night, hindsight is always 20/20 and everything really does happen for a reason.

I'm glad I learn the hard way and I'm glad that I have to reach a certain point or hit some brick wall in order to learn a lesson. Why? Because any other way I wouldn't learn. Don't get me wrong, I'm a good kid and I was raised well. I have been blessed beyond what I sometimes believe I deserve, but I've never, a day in my life, gone without being grateful. I can be a brat sometimes, but can't we all? I'm my Daddy's little girl, and I'm God's little girl, and I will be my whole life. I'm ok with that. But what I'm not okay with is learning lessons and keeping them to myself. One of these days I'll spill my guts about everything I've learned, to the public eye. But this is neither the time nor the place for such.

I'll take what I've learned and I'll share it with my friends. I'll plead with them not to make the same mistakes I have. Not to put themselves in situations that their hearts tell them are going to lead them down the wrong path. That just because they've won a battle, it doesn't mean they've won a war. Everyday is a war against ourselves and a war against all evil. I don't want to come off as righteous by any means, but I do want to come off as someone who has been there, done that, got that t-shirt and doesn't want anyone else I love or care about to feel that pain.

I want to keep my friends around as long as possible and I want them to know that no matter what they chose to do with their lives I will stand by them and support them, as long as they're not in prison ;) But maybe even then, because that's just the type of person I am. I'm scared of where life may have led me had I continued down the wrong path. It's kind of like my weight... if I had kept gaining 10 pounds a year and not gotten control, I may have been dead by 50. Who knows.

If I kept letting bad outweigh good, I could've wound up dead by 30. That's what scares me. I had to make a change for myself. I still have a lot of changes to make. I'm still scared. I'm almost scared of what being a good Christian entails. I know that sounds ridiculous, but if it means that other people will look to me for guidance and for an example to follow, goodness, that's a lot of pressure! I'm not quite ready for all of that. But luckily I know that I'm not expected to have all the answers or don a halo at all times. I'm only expected to try and be the most outstanding Christian by my own definition as possible.

I hope that God will help me through all that I'm going through and with the amazing family and close friends that I have, I know He will. I have no doubt whatsoever in Him. I'm turning the page on that life I led for many, many years, and I'm finally letting Him pull me out of the pit life threw me in. It's hard to surrender to anyone, but it's harder to be prisoner to yourself.

NMW,

<3

This song means more to me than most, and I lovee songs. Corey Smith is dear to my soul and while most of his songs aren't very deep ;) this one really strikes a chord in me. This is what I strive to be for those in my life:

Carry the world on your shoulders, for a little while,
Put on someone else shoes, and walk around.
So many cups a runneth over, while so many goin dry
The grass ain't always green on the other side.
There's still a lot of work to be done,
A lot of wrongs to right, a lot of battles to be won.
If you can be the change you wanna see,
Be the hope to those who lives are far from easy.
Reach out and lend a hand, share everything you can,
And be the change, be the change.