Dizzy Day 3!

Whew!
Today is day 3 of this 3 week diet. And let me tell you, I am dizzyyyy! When I move too fast I get the spins, and when I got out of bed this morning, I could've sworn I was drunk! Although I haven't had a drop of alcohol since Saturday night!
Mom says I need to start taking the vitamins she got, and Shona says I'm not eating enough. So here I sit, at my desk, avoiding doing casework, and eating Fat Free Key Lime Pie yogurt.. it is YUMMY! For someone who lovess Key Lime Pie, this is the best guilt free, but seemingly sinful, thing I've found since.. well.. ever.

I keep telling myself it will be over soon... but I don't think I'll believe it until I'm atleast 1/2 way done... which will be next.... oh... a week from today I guess? I can do it, I know I can, it's just harddd! I'm definitely glad I had all my "last favorite meals" last week, because that eliminated a few of my cravings! I kinda feel like a pregnant woman, only, they get to cater to their crazy cravings.. You're lucky sister!

I'm starting to get a little emotional though.. like I keep thinking how funny it is that I've never seen myself as "morbidly obese".. and granted, I'm on the cusp, but when I got the letter from BCBS saying they had approved me for surgery for morbid obesity it really set in.

I've never seen myself as huge or anything, but that's the epitomy of body image distortion! I've never been happy with my body, but I've also never had as negative a connotation towards it as the rest of society has. Which only makes me feel sorry for society. As a sociologist, though, I understand the norm. And I also understand that I'm not doing this for them. I'm doing it for me.

I'm doing it so that I can love myself enough to be loved in return. So that once I'm happily married I can have those children that I've dreamt about for so long. I'm doing this so I can shop in the petite section which matches my height much more appropriately. I'm doing this so I can run 5K's with my Dad. I'm doing this so I can raise my standards. I'm doing this for Graham. I'm doing this for my Mom. I'm doing this for my Dad. I'm doing this for my late grandparents. My sister. My friends who care. My future husband. My future children. My future career. My future lifeeee that I can't wait to begin!

I don't feel like, because I'm overweight, I'm a failure by any means. I feel like a champion. I feel like I've fought uphill my whole short life, and now I'm finally at a place where I've admitted that I need help. That I can't do this on my own anymore, and I've had doctors who agree. It's an amazing feeling to feel supported in such a hard decision.

I keep wondering... what will people say when I've lost 20 pounds? Or 40 pounds? 50? When will it be "soo noticable!"? And what will they say about the person that I was "before"? Because that's the person I am now.

Right now, in this moment, and a week ago, and for the past 25 years, I've been above the norm. I can't say, "oh I was so skinny in high school" because I wasn't. I've never known what it was like to be "normal weight." EVER. Will they have a different opinion of the me that I am now, that they are afraid to voice right now? Will they finally feel free to release that opinion? And how will I react if/when they do? Because I'll still be the same Becky. I'll be a lot happier, and more confident, but I really hope that I don't bash the "old" me. I hope that I hold on to the me that I am now. I hope that I remember that this me has feelings too. And that even I can offend myself by talking poorly about this me, that me, the current me or what have you.

I just hope I continue to love me. Past, present and future.

No matter what,
Becky.