A Year In Review....

With the end of the year approaching quickly, I can't help but think of how many things have changed this year. In such amazing ways.

The physical transformation I've made over the past two years has brought me to an amazing place, and for that I am extremely grateful. The fact that my Lap Band story has, thus far, been successful makes me feel like a weight loss inspiration to people, and that's something that no one could have ever convinced me of when I was 245 pounds. Not even myself. I'm still a work in progress, but the keyword there is progress.

I've made such huge strides in my life this past year and I just can't begin to explain how grateful I am for each of the opportunities I've had, friendships I've made, relationships I've recovered, lessons I've learned and accomplishments I've completed. To say that I am in a good place is an understatement.

Admittedly, some days my job felt like a chore, that's mostly because of waking up early, and being the polar opposite of a morning person. But what keeps me waking up early and trudging through 40 hour week after week, is the client who genuinely thanks me and appreciates what I do. The single father of three whose lights have been cut off. The elderly person who returned the favor of my assistance by praying for me. The one who offered words of strenth when she could tell I was stressed. The ones who laughed with me and let me remind them that even the seemingly worst situations always, always get better. These people keep me grateful for all of my many blessings, and they keep me sane when I'm at my wits end.

The thing that's kept me going this year is the knowledge and wisdom that things always get better. I'm old enough to know that there are crappy times, and there are wonderful times, and to appreciate the latter to remember it will come again. There have been so many mixed blessings, and blessings in disguise this year that I can't imagine playing out any better. Things that I never want to think about again, and things that I cherish that I'll never forget.

One of the biggest mixed blessings was definitely the early arrival of my sweet nephew! The hardest part for the whole family was definitely the separation anxiety of having to leave him everyday at the hospital. Just as an aunt, it was hard, but I have never felt my heart hurt as much for my sister as it has the past month. But you wouldn't know it if you saw her. I have never been more proud to call Jennifer and Jay my family, which also goes for both of our families. Days upon days spent in a hospital takes a toll on everyone, but truly makes you appreciate the life that you have and get to cherish and enjoy, and feel empathy for those less fortunate.

This time of the year always makes me kind of sappy (obvi) but it also makes me giddy to think of how far I've come as an adult and as a woman. I guess, since I'm now approaching 27, I have to face the music and realize that's what I am. I have my parents and sister to thank for molding me into the sensitive, overly caring, bend over backwards, overly emotional at times, strong person that I am. I have faced the demon of depression head-on, and conquered it. I've lived through the deaths of loved ones. I've burned a few bridges, but I've also successfully overcome hurdles that I thought would never recede.

If you had told me two, three years ago that I would be where I am today, I'm not sure I would've believed you. Not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't see outside of the box of the Becky I had become. I had grown to hate my body and secretly felt bitter towards those who had 'perfect' ones. These days I don't see anyone as perfect. I see them as human, inside and out. I had become so wrapped up in my own body image that I was picking other people apart, and becoming jealous when they weren't doing anything to provoke it.

I knew deep down I deserved someone who was kind and genuniely good hearted. I just didn't think they'd be crazy enough to put up with my antics. The relationship I'm in now, in just a short period of time, has taught me that I have always deserved better, and I had been selling myself short. I didn't know that anyone could be so conscientious and care about me as much as my family and best friends do! But I must say, he does a fantastic job of calming my nerves and making me laugh when I just want to cry.

The Becky I had become would be totally jealous of the Becky I have become.

I'm living the life I've always deserved, surrounded by people who care about me and are not out to hurt me - if you know what I mean. I'm doing a job that I've grown to genuinely love, and I have taken on full responsibility for making it my goal to help each and every person who truly needs assistance, if not from our programs, then from someone in the community. I've laughed and cried and cried from laughing more than I think I ever have, and I've finally started to stop and smell the roses.

2011 has been a big year, and I really hope 2012 brings it's A Game.

NMW,

<3 Aunt Bay loves these boys!

William Trott Weaver in da house!

Most of my Tuesdays are pretty typical, and somewhat boring by my standards. Which is generally a good thing!

And then there are Tuesdays like that of November 29, 2011.

After getting to work at 7am, I unassumingly went about my routine of checking my mailbox, my e-mail, sippin my coffee, checkin my Facebook..... and then my day got flipped, turned upside down, and I'd like to take a minute just sit right there....

But really. I saw my brother in law, Jay's Facebook status that simply said, "It's time." When your sister is 8 months pregnant, that can only mean one thing. My mind went berzerk. I couldn't get to my phone fast enough. When I finally did, I found that I had 3 missed calls and a voicemail from my sister. When I looked at Jay's status again, he had commented, "JK. JK." At this point, I knew there was no "JK" about it! He'd been told, 'You can't post on FB yet, then Becky will think it's ok to post!' (yes, Mom told me. ;)

I, of course, called my sister immediately to get the big news that her water had broken and they were on the way to the hospital! All of this before I had even put makeup on. You would've thought there were ants in my pants at this point. I could not sit still. I certainly didn't want to face the fact that I had a 10 hour day ahead of me, and the daunting task of leading a training session that afternoon! I am not a public speaker, but I'll have you know, the addreneline of knowing that I'd meet my sweet nephew soon was more than enough to get me through the day!

I left as soon as I possibly could, and headed straight to my sister's bedside. She and Jay were calm, cool and collected, just like I knew they would be. I, on the other hand, am a spaz when it comes to things such as this. I was beebopping around like a little kid, checking and sending texts, trying to figure out how to put people in mass text groups (HUGE apologies to those that I accidentally left out in my stuper) and helping Mom with her "Contractions App" on her new phone!

Jennifer was being such a trooper. She was breathing like a champ through the pain and went way longer than I could ever imagine without anything for pain. As her sister, it's hard for me to see my sister in any kind of pain, whatsoever. I'm sure Jay feels the same way. When we were little and she would get in trouble (rare.) and she cried, I cried. When my Granna died, I cried, but she went upstairs to deal with her pain because she knew she would upset me more. She's an amazing sister. Needless to say, seeing her in pain was hard, but seeing her smile between contractions was more than comforting.

If you read my post about Graham's birth, you would also be proud of the way I handled myself this go round. Once again, it was not in the "birth plan" for me (specifically) to be in the room upon Will's arrival. However, history repeats itself. And when you have a sister who progresses very quickly after a certain point in the labor process.. the chips will fall where they may. When push came to shove, I found myself standing/hiding behind my favorite brother in law. And I may or may not have a new appreciation for him. I could see my sister's head if I looked to the right, and luckily I know where babies come from, so that would just take a glance to the left.

When the Doctor came in, the baby was crowning. Jay's "It's time" status was very foreshadowing. One push later....

William 'Will' Trott Weaver entered the world. At 5:43am on November 30, 2011. Weighing 6lbs 6oz and 18 in long. 100% precious, just like his brother.

When Graham was born, as soon as they got him to the table, I gave him my pinky finger to wrap his little hand around. He's been wrapped around it ever since. I did the same with Will, just to let him know that I was there, and that for the rest of his life, should he need me, I will always be by his side, an arm's length away. These are two of the sweetest moments I've ever experienced and that I will treasure for the rest of my life.

It was so incredibly considerate of Will to come at the time of morning he did, as his Aunt Becky had to be at work at 7am.. and work yet another 10 hour day. This day was full of excitement and doting and showing off his picture. I was on Auntie Cloud 9 all over again. Such a great feeling.

That feeling was soon jeopardized when I learned that they were taking Will to the NICU, but soothed when it was "just to keep an eye on him since he's a little early." That was fine with me. We wanted him to be in tip top shape before coming home! And of course, in my euphoria, nothing could be wrong with him, so it was simply a precaution. He'd be there for a little bit, and by the time I got off work, I'd get to hold him for the first time!

Fast forward (which is literally what it has felt like) two weeks today. It has taken me this long to finish writing this post! I have started and stopped and edited and saved more times than I can count, but I'm determined to finish today.

In the first couple of days of Will's stay in NICU, which kind of seem like a blur now, he was observed and monitored while laying with just a diaper on a bed that had kind of a heater at the top. He was put on a C-PAP to help with his breathing and they said he would have to stay til at lesat the following Wednesday. I think that was kind of the "ok this is for real" breaking point for us as a family and of course Jennifer & Jay as his parents.

At this point, Jen was about to be discharged, and able to go home and be with Graham, which I think has helped more than anything. Her maternal instinct was going crazy and she just needed to be with and be able to hold her boys as much as possible. Being able to be home with Graham at least soothed this in part. She has handled the juggling of two boys in two domiciles incredibly well. I have always looked up to my sister, but seeing her and Jay work through this has been awe inspiring. She's able to be with Will during the day and tuck Graham into bed at night. They've got juggling down pat.

I got off subject, but.... After those first couple of days we learned that Will had a tiny hole in his lung resulting in a sac of air between his lung and the protective casing aka pneumonia. He has also had premature apnea, resulting in "episodes" of him seemingly holding his breath and causing his stats to drop. This is something the doctors said he would grow out of, which he (knock on wood) seems to have done! It's been kind of a roller coaster, but luckily Will's entire family is a very patient crew and of course we're not going to be ready for him to come home til he is! I know Graham can't wait to meet his little brother :)

Speaking of sweet little G-Unit! He's been awesome through all of this himself. As far as Graham is concerned, if you have a baw (ball), a book or feet to march with him with, he's content. It also helps if you are Mommy, Daddy, Grammy, Nana, Grandpa, Teve or one of his awesome aunts (that'd be me or Cameron, who flew in from St. Croix for a couple of days to meet Will!!!). But he takes to pretty much anyone - strangers in the waiting room? Not strangers anymore. Babys in pictures on the wall? High five to your face. He might be on of the youngest big brothers on the block, but he's quite mighty and full of life and giggles, and I just love him to bits! When he first saw Will's pictures he would blow kisses or kiss the phone screen. My attempt at showing him Will's picture resulted on my phone on the ground. Let's hope Will gets the first greeting when he comes home!

As of this morning (12/14) Will is a whole 2 WEEKS old. Omg. Where does the time go? Mind you, I said this the day I got to work and told someone he was already two hours old. He's doing very well, better everyday! Today is definitely the best so far. Jennifer sent us a message this morning that he was 'let off the cords' for a bit and she was able to take him to see the, oh so familiar, Christmas tree in the NICU, and to look out the windows and see the real world! So exciting. This morning felt like the first day he was born, all over again, I was running around (thru tears) telling the coworkers who have been intently following his progress, and we were hugging and high-fiving!

It's amazing to me, the love and support that has been pouring out for baby Will. Besides the fact that people who don't even know my family have been praying for him, the ones that do have just gone above and beyond! NICU nurses are amazing. I just can't give them enough praise! The fact that we've known several people who work at the hospital - namely in the NICU (!!!) has been such a blessing. Not that we ever wanted to see them there and under those circumstances, but it's always so nice to see a comforting, familiar face.

During those first couple of days when I really just had no clue what was going on, I cried at the drop of a dime. I realize in retrospec that I may have been overreacting, but I don't wish it on my worst enemy to see someone they love in any type of intensive care. Crying was the only thing I knew to do, and seeing a nurse I've known since I was a child just brought that out, but made me feel so much better. And I honestly don't think I've cried anything but happy tears since then. I could be wrong. I cry a lot. It's cathartic.

All of that said, we're hoping and praying and crossing our fingers and wishing on stars that Will is giong to be able to come on home this Saturday. We've had a couple of setbacks, so we really won't b elieve it til we see it, but the way he's breathing so well and keeping his stats up on his own right now, he's almost there.

Jay took an infant CPR class last week (gosh, he seriously gets mad brownie points from me, even if he gives me a hard time - all the time.) Jennifer, Carol, myself and my parents will be taking it this week. Not because we think we'll ever have to use it, but because we never want to be unprepared! And as many babies as we're around on a frequent basis, I think it's a good idea regardless! It's been years since I was CPR certified, so I just hope I can pass. If not, I'm never going to babysit Will. Ever. No pressure, CPR instructor, but I really must get this down pat.

I know I'm just going to be a big ball of tears with Graham and Will meet for the first time, but I simply cannot wait for that moment. That's going to be a picture worth a million words. And it's been such a long time coming! I know it's going to be very hectic and exciting and anxiety inducing, and every emotion under the sun when Will comes home, but I just look forward to him being at home where he's supposed to be. He just had to make sure he got a lot of extra care and attention, because that's just what we second born children do. He was just like, hey, yall better pay attention, because I'm comin in with a storm and I'm going to be your best. Christmas present. Ever.

Mad props to all of my best friends, the boyfriend, Jennifer's amazing friends, and our extended family for being awesome through all of this! I know some of my friends may be tired of hearing about it, but, if you know me at all, you know my world revolves around these babies, and you like me anyway.

Thus concludes my William Trott Weaver post.

NMW,
<3

Brand new!

Heating bed & C-PAP!

Making a C-PAP look precious.

Glow worm with oxygen hood - upgrade!

Daddy feeding :) Upgraded to only a nasal canula - which has since been removed. Woo!

I love you this big, Kaylee Bear!

I weighed! I swear, I did! And, in completely anticlimactic news... I am still at 165! I have got to get my butt back to the Y, for realz. Body pump is calling my name.

I am devoting this post entirely to my sweet God daughter, who is turning 5 tomorrow. She's the first to make me "Aunt Becky," as her mom (my cousin Mary Beth) is more like a sister - who, ehhem... I don't see enough these days! Warning: It's gonna be sappy.

Dear sweet Kaylee Bear,

I love you more than words! I can't even begin to describe to you the joy that you've brought to me. The day that I found out your Mommy was pregnant, I think I squealed, cried and maybe even did a little dance. It feels like it was just yesterday that I saw your sweet face in an ultrasound picture, helped put your cute little clothes up in your nursery, and anticipated the day that I would get to meet you!

Five years ago today, as I was working like crazy to finish up all the last minute details of my senior project, I got a very exciting phone call from your Gigi. Everyone was heading to the hospital (so not scary) to prepare for your arrival! This call came late that evening, and guess what? I did not sleep a wink! I lived far away in the mountains, and had a big presentation the next day, so much to my dismay I could not come home just yet! Instead, I finished my assignment, and re-read it about a hundred times. I cleaned my room.. and anything else I could think of to clean... I watched hours of pointless TV... and I called incessantly to check on you and your Mommy!

I can tell you right now that I have no idea how I made an A on that project the day you were born, because all I remember is literally running to my car on King St (in my totes approp pink sweater) to get back to Winston-Salem, in hopes of arriving before you did! You had other plans. You just wanted to make sure I'd get to meet you as sooon as I got there, didn't you? I got a "SHE'S HERE!!!" phone call at around 10:15am just as I made it down the curvy part of the mountain. I couldn't believe it, and I couldn't wait to get there - although I did not speed, and I wore my seatbelt, and I did not text and drive, so you shouldn't either.

Meeting you and holding you for the first time was one of the hi-lights of my life. And everyday since then, just thinking about you brings a smile to my face. It just amazes me how smart you are! Every time I see you, you have an awesome new song, dance or toy to show me. Your hugs make my heart melt and it goes without saying that hearing you tell me, "I love you," makes me happier than I could ever express.

In the past five years you've taught me so much about myself, without even meaning to or knowing that you have. You've taught me that being silly is a part of life. That dancing, making faces, and playing with chalk, stickers, dolls and puzzles can be endlessly entertaining. That seeing a picture immediately after it's taken is vital. That cuddling is the bestttt. That being a sister is one of our most important roles in life. That listening to Mom is always the best idea. That I am capable of cleaning up unmentionable things, of all varieties, while either laughing hysterically or soothing you to feel better. That there's no such thing as sacrificing when it comes to trading a night of my own to spend a night with you. You've taught me to love someone I didn't already know and love when I, myself, was born. Basically, you've taught me that although I'm not a mother, I'm capable of being a pretty awesome substitute when needed.

I look forward to watching you grow up even more, little miss! I hope you continue to be just as brilliant and sassy as you already are. I can't wait to spend more days with you, playing in the leaves, telling secrets, painting finger nails, building sand castles and playing with my phone camera.

You're the best God daughter any "Aunt" could ask for and I hope that you will someday have the same opportunity. We have a very special bond, Bear, and I know that will never change. So, when you're my age, I hope that you can feel free to send me telepathic messages or zip over to my house in your flying car, or whatever new form of communication and transportation there is. I will always be here for you and I will always love you to the moon!

Love, Aunt Beck

NMW,

<3 Just a small representation of all the fun we have together: See? She loves me. Maybe I bought it...

Promise she's not crying... afterall, "I'm with my BFF"... Maybe I bought that too...

I think Kaylee saw a real bear...

Picsay fun!

Truer than true.

Disclaimer: I haven't weighed in I don't know how long. So, there's that.

How many different ways can I say "It's been so long, I've been so busy, I've been lazy," or any other variation of a multitude of excuses I have for not updating my blog?? Umm, I could think of about 3 right now! But the fact that several people have asked me when I'm going to update again, inspired me to do just that! Honestly? I kinda thought people would just forget about it. Not the case! And that makes me feel pretty dang loved!

So, like I disclaimed, I haven't weighed. Not for any particular reason, other than, it's just not as much of a priority anymore. Some days I don't feel any different. Some days I feel super skinny and want to kick myself for not weighing that morning, and other days I just feel like a big blob of mush and I want to send my scale to a cold dark landfill. Basically, I feel like a normal woman, who doesn't feel like a big blob of mush everyday of her life, like I used to. But above all that? I'm still content. I know I've said that a few times, but I really, truly am. And the fact that I've been Beckskablog MIA is just proof of that, I suppose.

All excuses aside, I really have been super busy! Three friend/family weddings and a baby in the past two months, not to mention bachelorette parties, showers, and birthdays, all of which I love! This is my life. I dread the day that it all slows down.

First of all, my dear friend Holly was married to Alex on 9/10/11 and made an utmost gorgeous bride! Their wedding was absolutely beautiful, and I'm not just saying that because she reads this. But seriously, just the church was ridic! I could stay in there all day and just look around. They had an awesome reception at the Millenium Center and let's just say that sitting at a table with Caleb is never full of anything but ridiculousness and laughter. I am so grateful to have been a part of that special day, and everything that led up to it. I am so happy for them and I am glad to have a friend in the 'cop' community... just sayin.

Just a couple of weeks later, my favorite brunette McGehee cousin, Melissa was married to Kirk at a super fancy, super fantastic bowling boutique in Raleigh! Defnitely the most interactive fun reception I've ever been to! Melissa was beautiful as were all my cousins, of course! And it was so nice to get to see a few of my family members from Bermuda, especially Frances who I talk to all the time but hadn't seen since we were little! And it's always nice to spend time with my parents and AP & UL! I love you all!

This past weekend was the last wedding of my wedding season, and it went out with a bang, that's for sure! Stephanie, Laura and I traveled to Clarksville, TN to see one of our bff's, Morgan for her and Jonathan's big day. What a trip! We were able to make it in time to join her at her bachelorette party Thursday night, we had soo much fun. The entire weekend was a blast, and Morgan was totes gorgeous! They have a fun group of friends, so we boogied down quite a bit, even with the children. What a great way to spend a "girls weekend" with some of my bests! Can't wait to do it again, just because :)

There's all my wedding shoutouts, thank you all for letting me be a part of your special days, they will definitely go down in my memory book - oh, wait, they just did!

October 9th, 2011 was another very special day. Ashley & Brody welcomed Charlotte Lucille Jones into the world, and if you know me at all you know I am baby-crazy. That may even be an understatement. But when it's someone close to me that has the baby, it's a whole new level. I consider their son Aiden to be a nephew and Charlotte is just like a niece to me! I am absolutely amazed at how adorable she is. I'm not even kidding. She's absolutely ridiculously precious. I'm in love with her, head to toe! She looks just like her big brother, but I think she's going to be a spitting image of her Dear Mother! Graham and his little bro are totally going to fight over her.

Speaking of girls that I just love! I have a new roommate! She aight. No, I really do love her to death though, she and I are very similar in that we're both awesome, fabulous and ridiculously sarcastic. We have a great time together, and I think she may stick around for a while? I hope so because I really like her furniture. And when she does my hair & makeup. Aaand when she helps me babysit. She's probably got a lot of other good qualities too. We shall see. But for realz, she's legit, and you'd probably like her, too. Also, she's a kitchen designer at Kitchen Vision in Winston if you need an upgrade. You're welcome.

So I know everyone's (everyone Jay Weaver) wondering what's going on in the world of 'Becky's Love Life.' Well, as I've so heart-on-sleeve-ly documented in the past, I've been through hell and back when it comes to guys. I've definitely been on the broken road, kissed a toad or two, been on top of the world and knocked on my ass - all of it. Sometimes simultaneously. And that sucked, but it had to in order for me to appreciate a good thing. I guess I've kind of avoided blogging about it because I don't wanna jinx it! Oh well - there's a great guy in my life now, and he defnitely treats me the way I deserve to be treated. Just the fact that he's concerned about my well being in a way that no other guy ever has been, sets him apart. He made arrangements and helped to get the brakes on my car fixed, just so that I'd be safe on the road, since I'm already a moving hazzard just being on it. We'll be doing some skeet shooting and going to Martinsville for the Nascar race this weekend. I can't wait! And not to mention, we were 'fixed up' just when I had written off all Davie County guys! ;)

What's also awesome is that through this, I've rekindled old friendships, and that's an amazing gift. There are some people that come in and out of your life, and it's like you just pick up where you left off. Sadly you never realize when they're drifting away, but when they come back, it just makes you miss all the time you lost. One of my friends, Crystal and I have become a lot closer in the past couple of months, and I'm so grateful!

Soo, now that we're all caught up on the people in my life...

What about ol Beckskabob? I'm doing really well, overall. Like I said, I'm less concerned with the number on the scale these days. I get my kicks from little victories. For example: I bought a pair of jeans at Old Navy that were size 14's... mind you, I was in a size 24 at my highest weight. I got home and tried them on (I still hate trying things on at the store, because even though you're in that private changing room, there's something about it that makes me feel embarassed if jeans are too tight - silly, I know.) only to find that they were almost too big! They fit though, and I was happy with that. It took wearing them approximately twice before washing them, for me to be able to slide them off without unbuttoning them. Wooooo! I don't even care if it's just the denim they're made out of, they're too big! A size 14 too big for me? That is a win.

A couple of weeks ago I went to my sister's house to help her clean out her closets and separate clothes. Given that she's 7 months pregnant now, she made a pile of "post pregnancy" clothes that she let me pick through and borrow until baby boy #2 comes. One of these items included a pair of 7 For All Mankind jeans - SIZE 10. I have one pair of 7 jeans that are capris, and stretchy - the first pair I've ever owned bc I could never fit into their sizes before. So these are definitely my new favs, even though I rarely wear them because they cut off my circulation.

These are the little things that help me get by when people ask me annoying questions like, "oh, how much more do you want to lose?" That question makes me want to lose it on them. You wouldn't ask someone who had plastic surgery how much more they intend to get done. Or would you? I wouldn't. So I don't like to be asked how much more I'm going to improve my body. So, don't be that person. I don't think any of you have, or if you did, it didn't offend me.. which is why I feel free to say this! Soapbox over.

I'm still really happy with my band, but I'll be honest, there are days that I just want to EAT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. There. I said it. It wouldn't surprise me if I've supressed dreams about going to a buffet and eating until I can eat no more, and that not being a kid's plate worth of food. I don't recall any, but I'm sure they have happened. A lot of people who aren't familiar with the Lap Band have asked me when I will get it taken out, etc. and I have explained to them it just doesn't work like that. I'd balloon back up if I didn't have it! And again, don't get me wrong, I love it, I do! But this blog is all about me being real. And that's the real deal, y'all.

Shoutouts:

Erin Michelle, I miss your face. Like, woah.

Kelly, same goes for you, and you live here now, so pencil me in STAT.

I'm all tapped out for today, I'm gonna try reallllly hard to weigh before next week, and have a real WIW update! Promise.

NMW,

<3

Losing!

According to my scale this morning: 165. My Doctor's goal. Bam. I'm not done losing yet, but sometimes pictures speak louder than words.
NMW,

<3

October 2009 VS August 2011

No regrets.

I feel the need to blog about something that happened, because, I have freedom of speech and this is something that needs to be said.

Bullying, in any way, shape or form, is uncalled for. I'm a 26 year old grown woman and it has happened to me. It can happen to anyone. Let me start by saying, I'm not going to call anyone out personally, because I'm above that. No names will be spoken, and you can assume what you want.

Being a malicious person is beyond my realm of thought. I'm not sure I'm capable of being a truly "mean girl." But for probably the first time in my life I've been victimized. Why? Because my sense of humor and a harmless comment on a friend's facebook was perceived as flirting. So be it. But deal with it on your own. Not by commenting after me saying "I hate it when fat girls flirt with you." Really? I feel like I could just end this here.

But, being the bigger (ha.) person that I am, I simply deleted my comment and dealt with the difficult person in a private manor. A simple, "I'm sorry," would have sufficed, rather than resulting in me having to block this person to end the nonsense messages and assist in protecting whatever shred of dignity she had left.

What really struck me was that in the midst of it, she made herself completely vulnerable and admitted that she was bitter towards me (and God knows who else). That's understandable, and if I were a threat or constant nuisance, I could understand even more. It wasn't understandable at all, and that's why it came as such a shock. What made it worse was that she mentioned that my lap band didn't make me any better (hence I wanted to blog about the incident even more!) so she clearly, without knowing me, knew where my Achilles tendon lay. Well played.

My mind went from shocked to pissed to disgusted to humored within about a 5 minute span. I didn't expect to laugh instead of cry. But it was at that point, I realized something. The lap band has made me "better." Not necessarily in any kind of physical or societal sense, but in a human being sense. It's made me realize so many things. Granted I was a Sociology major, so I constantly think about the way that we interact as a human race. I have become so much more aware of how people treated me before, versus how they treat me now when I'm losing weight and am on the smaller side of larger, closer to 'normal.'

I basically realized that other people's opionions are manifestations of their own insecurities. Duh, I knew that already. But I never realized that they would use those to lash out at me. This girl is not fat by any means, she's a pretty girl by any dude's standard. I have no idea where her insecurities lie, but there's therapy for that. I've been in relationships where I felt insecure, but I've gotten to the point now that I realize that whoever I am with is going to like me more than anyone else and that's the kind of person I'm going to like more than anyone else. Bottom line. It won't be a competition and I'll never feel the need to belittle someone just to make myself feel superior. And for the record, he apologized to me for her actions.

I feel like everyone has a voice and not everyone uses theirs for the betterment of others. If this had happened 2 years ago when I was at my highest weight, I would've chalked it up, cried, and forced it out of my memory. But that never got me anywhere but heavier, in every way. The day this happened, Monday, when I got home from work, I wanted to cry and get it over with because I knew it was coming. The best part was, it never happened. All of this hardwork I've put into making myself a better person? It finally came to fruition and let me deal with it like the 26 year old strong, independent woman that I am. Instead of taking up the offer to "meet at Mossy's to talk face to face," (bar fight? Ha.) I did my laundry and got ready for work the next day. Boom.

You know what else is awesome? Having an army. Nothing, even deleted comments, gets past my best friends. And without my even mentioning it to them, they took it upon themselves to stand up for me. I never thought I'd need them to do such a thing, but I was literally shaking from (too much coffee) the overwhelming sense of love that I felt when they went to bat for me. It was such a small thing that was done, but it's positive impact was much more than I expected. The hateful nature of the comment made me realize that although I'm still not completely bulletproof, I have come a longgg way.

Anywayyy, I've been very busy lately, which is always a good thing. Lots of showers, weddings, bachelorette parties, birthdays and imminent babies on their way! These are definitely the days of "everyone's getting married and having babies" and I just love it. And obviously we're just saving the best for last ;)

I really just have nothing witty or insightful to say today, because that soapbox took a lot out of me. Sooo, here are some fun pins for you:



yep.



"I found a man, but I'll always need my girls."



<3,

NMW

Tied Together With a Smile

Taking Care of Becky - that's the name of the game these days, friends.

I've been "independent" for 3 & 1/2 years now. Yep. But I use the term loosely, as my parents have been there for support every step of the way. For example: how would I know that my car was leaking fluid if not for my Dad? I wouldn't. How would I know that the 100 calorie Milano cookies I thought were a figment of my imagination were on sale at Harris Teeter without my Mom? Wouldn't. You know what else I wouldn't know? How to pay bills. How to convince myself that when I don't feel good at work, to set small goals - "if I can just make it through lunch... well, I've made it through lunch, might as well stay til 5:30." I wouldn't drive a car that's paid for til the wheels fall off. I wouldn't be a world traveler. I'd stay in my comfort zone forever. And I'd have 8938141 dogs.

Something tells me that if I hadn't been raised so well, I'd be spineless. I'd never stand my ground. I'd put up with people treating me poorly, even those closest to me. I wouldn't tell them that the words that they say or things that they do, hurt my feelings. And I wouldn't have the guts to call them out on it when this happens. I'd be living a life that I couldn't possibly be proud of.

I am proud of myself in so many ways. I'm proud that I gained control of my weight, but I'm more proud that I gained control of my life. I finally started putting myself, my needs, my wants and my goals first. I'm doing things that will help me in the long run and I'm living the kind of life that I can be proud of, and more importantly, one that makes my parents proud.

That said, I also cried to my parents a couple of weeks ago, because I felt like a terrible person. I've grown a lot just in the past year, and I've definitely raised my standards when it comes to guys. I've kissed my fair share of toads and at some point, recently, I guess it just clicked that "I have to sit on my pedestal and let the prince find me." It didn't feel right to just straight up ignore the advances from parties I was not interested in, but at the same time, I've been led on and I would never treat someone in such a way.

"Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen." Is one of the most inspiring quotes I've ever read. And of course I found it on Pinterest, which is my new obsession. Not that I'll ever do half of the crafts or cook the things I find on there, but it's always fun to window shop and get ideas for gifts and "maybe someday" things. My favorite pins, though, are always the inspriational quotes. They are mostly cliche and things I've read a 100 times, but sometimes it's like the sun hits it a different way and it's just what you need to see at that moment.

Ever since I read that quote, and have started living in such a way, wonderful things have actually started happening. I've started living my life so that I'm prepared for wonderful things, not just trudging along and leaving a mess in my wake. I've started cleaning up my act in other aspects of my life completely unrelated to my weightloss. I think I got so caught up in that aspect that I forgot that the rest of my life was still going on.

Right now I'm going through the exciting but exhausting process of a refinance, with rates as low as they are right now, so that I can have lower payments and hopefully just "go it alone" and not have to find a new roommate. Although it's so dang lonely, I really need to enjoy this 'me' time and just be grateful! I've been turning over a new leaf lately, that's for dang sure. I feel like I'm kind of molding into the grown up version of me, and out of the awkward post-grad phase. It feels great to have things in order, even if my apartment is only immaculate because the appraiser is coming today. Whatever. I'm going to try my darndest to keep it up this time. It's like anything else... you make the giant leap into it, and then you just maintain. I got this.

There are some physical appearance changes in the works as well, nothing drastic like plastic surgery or anything (that's way down the road, like, post kids ;) but just little things that make me feel awesome. And who doesn't want to feel awesome? Between ridiculously good Groupon deals and an amazing hairstylist, I may or may not be pampering and spoiling myself just a little bit. Don't judge me. It's all about putting myself first and being the best Becky I can be. I'd totally put a ring on it if that wasn't weird.

I don't know what's come over me lately but I have been in the business of GETTIN ISH DONE. Like, lazy Becky got a pink slip or something. Maybe it's the awesome weather? Maybe this isn't real life and I'm just dreaming it? Most likely this is just another layer of the new Becky emerging and it's welcome to stick around for the long haul.

My mind keeps taking me back to 3 years ago... there's some significance there, but I'm not sure why. I guess that's when I started this job and started really feeling like I was preparing myself for the future, although I still felt like a fish out of water trying to fake it til I could make it. There are so many things I would have changed, but so many things I wouldn't trade for the world. I wish I could tell my 23 year old self what to beware of, and not to be so trust worthy, and to get that damn car door fixed by someone else!

I know I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for all of the trials and tribulations I've faced, and sometimes when I feel like "something's gotta give," I realize, I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and when I'm taking care of #1, everything around me starts falling into place.

Oh, and I'm still wogging! Sometimes even BY MYSELF. That, loves, is what I call progress.

NMW,

<3

Wogging & Blogging

I am SUCH a slacker. But, whatevs, it's my blog and I'll blog if/when I want to!

There really just hasn't been much to say lately - I seem to always think or say that right before opening the flood gates...

First and foremost, the most exciting news (to me anyway) that I have is that I'm going to have another precious NEPHEW!!! It's a boy! I couldn't be more excited. I imagine this one will be the complete opposite of Graham, and by that I mean - wide open! If he's just like G I will be beyonddd excited, but it will be so interesting to see what his sibling is like. My sister and I are so alike and so different in so many ways - not to mention we look the exact same but with opposite hair/eye colors! :) All I know for sure is that he will be absolutely precious just like his big brother and I will love him to pieces!

I think one of the reasons I haven't blogged in quite some time is because I kind of fell of the wagon, if you will, for a while. I have the attention span of a gnat when it comes to certain things, exercising being one of them. When I get hooked on something else, like reading, which is of course not a bad thing, I tend to forget all about working out. This summer I've been hooked on reading. I've read everything from blogs to The Help to romantic comedies to satirical self help books. I love getting lost in them even for just an hour or so sitting on the porch or laying on the couch and just forgetting about everything else - but you see, what happens when I do that..... I get lazy!!! However, in one of my books, after a traumatic experience (thankfully this wasn't my case, although I could write a book about them), the overweight heroin found herself lost. She was lost because she began walking, and couldn't seem to stop. She walked everywhere, all the time, until she literally wore her shoes out. She took it to the extreme, but she inspired me.

Hence, as I was laying on the couch reading yet another book, and waiting on the next cycle of laundry, I remembered: I want to start WOGGING again! So instead of just thinking it, I did it. I whipped out my "sassy" (as Mom calls them!) walking capris and unburried my sports bra from the heap of laundry, laced up my tennis shoes, and left - taking the trash with me - another thing I tend to put off. I walked to Tanglewood and then started my brisk jogging. I set small goals for myself because obvi, I'm still in the beginning stages. But something just clicked and told me I needed to start again. Something's been missing for the past few weeks, and that's what it was. I am the queen of making excuses, "It's wayy too hot. No one's free to go with me. I'll melt. I'll get Becky-napped. I'm so comfy right now. I'll go tomorrow, I swear. It's way too hot (or cold, or muggy, or mild, or rainy, or dry.)" I ran out of excuses, made like a Nike commericial, and just did it.

I'm jealous of people who LOVE to run. Who love to exercise for that matter. I was not a born athlete. I am soo not competitive. I don't understand the term "runner's high" but I intend to one of these days. Baby steps... baby wogs... one day at a time! My legs are currently throbbing when I walk, but it's a "good pain.. this too shall pass." In my opinion, I'd much prefer the pain and soreness from running, jogging, wogging, etc to emotional pain, so if there's anything I can do to find a release for the things I keep jumbled up inside, then I intend to use that to my advantage. That may be a little deep for all intents and purposes of this post, but that's just kind of how my head works! I like the thought of "running away" from things that I keep inside, and just don't feel like talking about. It's therapeutic, and a heck of a lot cheaper than a co-pay ;)

I really hope I can keep this up, for no one other than myself. I deserve to be in the best physical and mental shape of my life - who doesn't? Sure I've lost a lot of weight, but there's always room for improvement! Therefore, I'm just going to start kicking my own "ask" - just like this little girl who bears a striking resemblance to yours truly at her age... from the haircut to the big brown eyes to the gapped teeth - she sure is cute! Haha. It's old, but some of you may not have seen it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFN1-uqt2WA

Maybe I should pretend there's a monster coming out of the movie chasing me? There's a plan. If that doesn't work I could find someone with a ferocious dog (with a leash) to run after me - I work best under pressure.

That's about all I've been up to, folks, reading books, blogs, and trying to kick my own ask into gear again.

<3,
NMW

I'm a loser, baby!

As I sit here eating my cheetos for lunch.... (hey, I never claimed to be a picture perfect eater.) I am more than excited to say that at present I am 1 pound away from my doctor's goal weight! 166! When I say there will be a throw down when I see the scale say 165, I mean it.

During my initial consult phase of this process, in a meeting with the psychologist, Dr. Jeff Smith, he informed me that with this sugery I could expect to lose 70% of my excess weight in 2-3 years. From the get go, that sounded kinda crazy to me! I just wasn't in a place that I could imagine myself losing that much, ever. Now here I am, almost 15 months out, and about to give that goal a run for its money. Honestly? I'm stunned.

Sometimes I don't know how to feel about it. I have mixed emotions. I've heard people say, "it was easier being fat." and that never made sense to me. There hasn't been a day that I've ever felt like I've crossed over that line. The overall body image mentality doesn't change in 15 months. The insecurities still creep up, because even if you're not morbidly obese anymore, you may never be stick thin. That is absolutely fine with me! I don't want to be super thin, I never have been and never will be. I'd look diseased. No joke. But I do understand now, why people feel that way.

Being "fat," as I've said before, is a security blanket of sorts. It's a shield against the world, against getting hurt. When you're so down on yourself that you feel unlovable, you are. When looking at pictures of yourself makes you question why anyone would ever fall in love with you, there's an issue bigger than your pants size. So, like I say, it's a sort of protection. In the same sense, it makes you build walls, and it keeps you all to yourself. It's the most lonely feeling in the world. As loved as you may be, by your family and friends, you start to assume that all love is platonic, and that becomes okay. It's not, but it is what it is.

When you break out of that shell and you start to lose weight, people notice. Guys notice. People who never gave you a second glance suddenly think you're beautiful. It's not that I never felt beautiful, it's not that I didn't measure up to society's standards - I did, they just had negative connotations associated with them. It's just that I feel like I never knew what it felt like to catch a guy's attention with my looks alone. It's a crazy thing, I tell ya. And it's true what they say, people are nicer to you when you're not big. For shame. It's not that they're mean, there's just a difference between polite and nice, in my opinion.

I hate that society has put such a stigma upon weight. Other than having polycystic ovaries, I was the picture of health. Granted, I faced my biggest fear of never being able to have children, but I'm almost positive that won't be a problem now. But, seriously, just because someone is overweight that doesn't make them a slob. It doesn't mean that they eat everything in sight, and it sure as hell doesn't mean that they don't care about themselves. It annoys me to to end, and I just haven't vented about it enough. Do I feel more healthy? Yes. Does that make me a better person inside? No. Have I vented enough? Yes.

What makes me suuuuuper happy, other than almost being at my goal weight, is that I don't have to compete with my sister anymore! Why? Because she's PREGNANT again! Yayayayay!!!! I'm going to have another neice or nephew come December 28th-ish! How fitting as that is a day that we celebrate every year! Not only is it our Mom's birthday it's also our parents' anniversary! A wonderful day on all accounts :) I am over the moon excited to have another squishy little love around, and I have already made more room in my heart to smother this one with as much love as I do baby Graham. They'll be 18 months apart so I'll have plenty of reason to steal one or both of them away to give Mommy & Daddy a break! I simply cannot wait. I may or may not be more excited about this than Christmas this year!

That's all I've got for now! Hopefully I'll have a milestone post soooooon!

NMW,

<3

'You are perfect to me.'

First and foremost, I'll just go ahead and apologize for my hiatus from WIW'ing. It's been over a month, which is just crazy - time flies when you're havin fun!

Overall, things are great! I had a rough patch of my body being out of whack, and crept back up to the 170s which was devastating in and of itself. I really beat myself up about it, just like I promised myself I wouldn't. But I'm happy to report that I am back in the 160s :) 169 to be exact! I'm happy with that - I'm so close to my goal that it's like I'm almost teasing myself, or maybe my body is playing tricks on me!

The one thing I've noticed is that, aside from people telling me that I look great, etc. I actually, legitimately feel it these days. I feel like a different person, I guess I am a different person to an extent. I can't remember ever having consecutive days where I just felt pretty (aside from bad hair days.. ehhem.. today.) My confidence astounds me. Things that used to shattered my world roll of my back. I'm even more laid back than I used to be, if that's at all possible.

Granted, there are things that haunt me everyday, but these are the things that I accept and can live with. Everything I've done has gotten me to where I am today and I couldn't be more excited about the progress I've made and everything that is to come my way. My world, for once, revolves fully around me and what makes me happy, be it spending time with my family, hanging out with friends or doing absolutely nothing but sitting by the pool, on the porch or on the couch with a good book.

I've been at the pool a lot this summer already, I think the vitamin d rays are kicking in ;) A coworker this morning said I looked, "tan and rested." Not quite how I would describe myself but it's a nice way to come across! For the first time in a long time, I feel great about myself, inside and out. I thought it would take settling down, getting married, and starting my own family to be completely content - but it turns out I'm doing just fine being an aunt and being picky (rightly so) when it comes to finding the right guy. Dating is fun, so, why not make the most of it?

One year ago today I was anxiously awaiting one of the best moments of my life - the birth of my nephew, baby Graham! The faint feeling, the almost passing out, and the wanting to cry because my sister was in so much pain, are now a distant memory (okay.. kinda..) and are replaced by the wonderful memories of the past year. When I wrote the blog entry about baby G's arrival (http://beckskablog.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-dream.html) I still had no idea how incredibly blessed I was.

From day 1 to day 364 I've felt more love for him than I knew possible. I've graciously changed diapers, given baths, fed and changed clothes at every opportunity. We've giggled uncontrollably together, we've played together, we've cried together, and we've just sat around together - doing absolutely nothing, perfectly. He is the most docile, funny, serious, loving, sweet baby! I know I dote a lot, but whatever, he's my nephew, he's adorable when he's crying.

He has no idea how much he brightens my life. The fact that he lights up and smiles that big toothy grin when I walk in a room melts my heart. Him craning over the side of his car seat when I'm walking towards Jen's car to go somewhere, with that huge smile - again, makes my heart melt. When I've had a bad enough day, the only cure is to go to my sister's and play with that baby boy. Without even knowing it, he makes me laugh when all I want to do is cry.

Speaking of crying, reading my blog entry from last year today made me cry. Happy tears :) I was almost 30 pounds heavier, but still overwhelmed with joy. It's incredible how far I've come since then - in so many ways!

A year ago I would've never thought I could complete a 5K. But by golly, I did! The whole fan-damily and I did the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure. I even wogged (walk/jog) quite a bit. Did I mention I beat my personal record? That's because I didn't have one to begin with, but, whatevs. Toot toot! I am so incredibly proud of myself for accomplishing that goal, and I'm not nearly as scared of them as I used to be! Bring it, Dad!!!

I look forward to the next year, and every one after that - I have no doubt that I will have kicked my goal's butt by then, and who knows? Maybe I will have lost another 30 pounds... a girl's gotta dream big!

NMW,

<3

Just a couple days old <3



Big boy just a few days shy of 1!

"God makes no mistakes."

I don't wanna talk about my weight today. Why? Because it didn't change, and I know if I do, I'll only feel judged, so I'm just going to go with what's in my heart right now.

It's not a coincidence that I had been "meaning to" read the book Heaven Is For Real, but finally checked it off my to-do list yesterday. It was the shaking of shoulders, banging of head on table, a-ha moment (or few hours, rather) that I needed. I purchased the book on Amazon for just a couple of dollars - I feel stingy after receiving so much more than I gave - and read it on my phone last night, until I was finished. I literally couldn't put it down, and if Colton, the boy whose experience was described in this book, lived down the street from me I'd probably annoy the crap out of him with incessant questions.

What I gained from reading this book was a quenched thirst. For so many years, as a strong believer in God, and as a Christian, too often I found myself in doubt, with so many questions that made me question my own unwaivering faith. I often wonder, if I could even entertain the thought of there not being a Heaven, how could I consider myself as having been saved? If I got annoyed when going to churches that pushed so hard for people to be saved, so much that it took away from the actual message, how could I consider myself a good person? Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't appreciate it and wish for everyone to be so lucky, I just think it can get a bit excessive and loses it's meaning when it's drilled so often. I feel bad even typing that, but that's just how I feel. I was 12 when I was saved, and I know full and well that Jesus has set up a humble abode in my heart since then, that's all I need.

All of that said, what I was getting at, was that I believe, and I do have faith, and I do know that I'll get where I'm going when it's time. But I guess curiosity is just such a festering thing, that I constantly find/found my mind wandering, wondering what it would be like in heaven. I definitely feel like a lot of my questions were answered. I have a kind of renewed faith from the most unlikely source - a child named Colton who is as young as my God daughter and whom I've never met in my life. The things he said and the emotions his parents portrayed for him in the book were awe inspiring. I literally laughed, cried and prayed during the entire thing.

This couldn't have come at a better time. At a time when I've been questioning a lot of things. My faith's been tested so many times and I've been at my wits end, hit rock bottom and all but fallen down, defeated. Every time I've felt like there was no way things could get any worse, I worked up my resillience and I realized, things could only get better. The fact that I am at the place mentally, spiritually and physically that I am right now, is all the validation I need. The proof is in the puddin.

So now that I have had a come to Jesus moment... I feel refreshed and better able to talk to God in a humble manor. Thinking back, I can't help but giggle at some of the things I've asked Him to grant me with. Things that I knew He didn't want for me, but that I thought I so desperately needed at the time. He's really got a great sense of humor if you ask me.

Last bit about the book and then I'm done. The part that really struck a chord with me was the fact that Colton vividly described, and could identify members who had passed even decades before him, who he had never met or even known about. Through tears, it gave my soul such peace to know that I would someday get to finally meet PawPaw Page, get to rub Buster's belly, and get to crack jokes with Kevin again. Not that I'm in any rush to get there, but I'm not nearly as afraid of death as I used to be. I still don't want anyone to go too soon, but I know that the next time someone dear to me goes, rather than continue to grieve, I'll know how lucky they truly are. I think this is a huge step in my healing process from all the loss I've experienced in my life.

Well, that's mostly what was on my heart, and now I'm having trouble remembering what else it was I was thinking about before I started writing. So many things.

I've been thinking a lot about the kind of person I am. I'm the kind of girl who smiles at a stranger on the street, even if they refuse to make eye contact until they're a foot away from me. If someone drops something, I pick it up for them without hesitation. I hold elevators even if I'm running late. I return phone calls asap. I give out genuine compliments like candy. I find peace in sleeping babies and joy in their laughter. I drop everything to hang out with people I care about - when they ask. I make every effort to keep in contact with people and feel incredibly guilty when I realize I've dropped the ball. I listen - I may not always have advice, or give the best advice, but I'd rather someone put their burdens on me than keep them to themselves. I'm the girl who has more friends than I know what to do with and a few people who hate me for it. I'm the girl who can relate to the celebrity who sometimes, unfathomably, feels alone. I'm the girl who gets taken for granted.

I have totally felt sorry for myself recently. Like, with some friendships I feel like I put in so much effort, and get nothing in return. Which is fine, until it becomes routine, then it just gets old, and I give up. I don't like giving up on friendships, that's just not in my nature. And please don't take this personally if you think I'm talking about you, maybe just reflect a little.. like I am. But at some point it just gets exhausting to be so positive and optimistic all the time. I wouldn't change that part of me for a million bucks, but sometimes I think I need to get real. But to me, getting real makes me sad. I guess I can just add that to the list of things I don't like about growing up.

I think I'm starting to realize just how much I've grown up in the past couple of years. Maturity hasn't ever really been much of a problem (give or take an immmature mistake or 5), this goes along with that yearning to be [like] my sister. Precocious people annoy me to no end, so I've tried to find a good balance. Sometimes it's hard, when you're dealing with the public or just people in general. But that's part of what being tactful is all about. I just sometimes wish others had more of that trait. Facebook is a prime example of tactlessness. I love that my mom monitors me and tells me when I'm not being a lady ;)

If I were more diligent, I probably wouldn't say have the things I do in this blog, but I want to remember the ah-ha moments, the turning points, the frustrations, and the led downs so that when things are really great, or really crappy, I can appreciate that they could always be better or worse.

As of right now I'm kind of in a "everything's going to be okay" mindset. I've got a strong backbone these days and I cant' see myself crumbling at the feet of anyone, any time soon. Not that I'm invincible or don't still have bad days, but they're so much less frequent now, and I forget to take advantage of that alone. My worries are so trivial compared to what I used to worry about, or what anyone else at any given moment is going through.

I've come to realize that life can literally change in the blink of an eye. I can't tell you how many times just in the past week I've stopped to think, wow.. what if..?, not as in, what if I get hit by a bus... but as in, wow.. what if they hadn't called? What if they had never even thought of me again? What if they had never entered my life? Idk, I'm talkin crazy talk now, but I've really been doing a lot of deep thinking lately, and I kinda like it.


NMW,
<3

PS: Easter at the beach was amazing as usual. I loveee my family :)

Little bunny foo foo!

I'm going to eat a bunch of chocolate and candy this weekend, and you can't stop me.

NMW,

<3

Letter to the Editor, 1 year post-op!

Hey girl heyyyyy!
Lookatchu! Gettin all slim and junk! Bustin up in the 160's like it ain't no thang. Whoop whoop! You have come sooo far. For realz. In less than 13 months you're almost AT your 36 month goal, boo! GETCHU SOME!

Okay okay, in all seriousness, you're amazing. How many times have you heard that word in the past year? It never gets old. Funny how that works. It's not like compliments were all that scarce before, but they were different. They mostly pertained to material posessions and inner beauty, don'tcha think? Now it's like you're finally being seen from the outside - in.. if that makes any sense. Like, the outside it starting to match the inside. Sure it's not perfect, it never will be, it's not supposed to be. It's unique and it's got flaws but it's still got a lot of cushioning for your heart. ;)

Your heart. Oh my. It's crazy what you've put it through. It's brilliant and it's disturbing, it's wrenching and it's inspiring. It's been busted into a million pieces, but somehow it always manages to mend itself, maybe it takes a while, but none the less, resilience is bountiful. This is probably the only part of your body you're okay with not losing.

Remember how scared you were that your personality would change? I don't think you have a thing to worry about. I honestly believe you've only become more happy and your true self has started to shine even more. Sure you still make mistakes and can probably be annoying sometimes, but whatevs. It makes you human. I'm glad that you don't spend nearly as much time moping and feeling sorry for yourself. You used to pull that crap a lot.

Numerous hours have been saved from complaining about your body constantly. You've grown to appreciate your curves, as they're not quite so badonkadonk-ish. Remember when you hated your body? You wouldn't admit it, but you did. Seems like just yesterday. Remember looking at strangers who were bigger (or maybe the same size or smaller than your in denial self!) than you, and thinking.... "I hope I don't look like that," or "I hope I don't get that big." Shame. On. You. I mean, you have to appreciate your honesty. But jeez. How rude!

There's no telling how many people looked at you that way when you were at 245. Who knows? Who cares? Maybe they still do! Sooo whatttt. They deserve it if they do. ;) Wonder how many people hope to look like you now? That's something to think about. It's funny, when you quit judging yourself, you quit judging others. It was like a lightbulb. You quit blaming yourself for being overweight, so you quit blaming others for being overweight. You realized that everyone has a story, and that it's not up to you to decide whether they "got themselves into the predicament," or not. Maybe they're fast food junkies, but you DON'T KNOW THAT! Assume = ass + u + me. I'm so glad to see the turnaround you've made mentally, even if no one knows it but you.

Remember how you hoped to be able to play more with the babies and run around and not get winded? Check. The beach will be soo much fun this summer, and running around with Kaylee won't induce a comatose nap. The heat, maybe, but not because you're still so insulated. I guarantee you won't secretly hope that someone will want to drive the 2 blocks to the beach entrance rather than walk with all the "stuff." It won't bother you one bit! Bike rides with Dad? Okay! Wagon walks with Mason & Graham? Yes, please. The bathingsuits you have are too big now, woman, so go get some new ones! Seriously. Stop putting it off, it's not nearly as traumatizing as it used to be.

How exciting is it to SHOP now?!? Oh em gee. Loveeee it. Buying clothes is no longer a daunting task, is it? You can shop with Mom now, and not get into a knock down drag out fight, simply because you're about to burst into tears at any moment and taking it out on her. How bout those Seven for All Mankind jeans you got? For the win. This is the first pair you've ever owned, because they just don't make 'em for big girls. Sad, but true. They're super cute though, rock the hell out of them! Feel amazing in them, cause you're pretty precious when you're so confident wearing them! Not to mention that you're gearing up for summer, and pampering yourself a little to be sure that your nails & toes look fab. You deserve it!

Confident. That's a word you wouldn't have used to describe yourself very often before! Sure you had confidence in yourself in some ways, but not in your overall appearance. You've definitely gained this as you've lost your weight, and I'm so glad. There will always be days when you're lacking, but always let the good outweigh the bad. It's going to lead you to the man of your dreams one of these days... so keep smiling, pretty lady! Who cares that you haven't fallen deeply in love in the past year? You've been dating! How exciting!

Although you really don't let anyone in, someday you will. Someday you won't be scared of letting someone so close to your guarded heart, for fear that they'll drop it. One of these days someone will work so hard to tear down your walls that you won't even realize it's happening. That's when you'll know, it's not infatuation, it's not a love that will end, it's the one that's going to stick, forever. You won't have to fight for it and you won't constantly be waiting for the script to flip. You'll have one of those relationships that inspires you. Someday! Right now, you've got that goin within yourself!

How awesome have your friends been through all of this? Wow. Even the ones who were so scared for you to even have the procedure done. They still stuck by your side, and are incredibly proud of you, and it shows. They've all gone out of their way to encourage and support you, to cheer you on, and to pick you up when you were down. They never let you stay down too long, because there's always something to laugh about. That's the wonderful thing about surrounding yourself with people who are just like you. They get it. They're just like you in that they listen, advise, and commiserate.. but quickly lighten the mood with some humor. That right there is what makes your friends worthy of your company ;)

You're now the proud (understatement) Aunt Beck to the sweetest, most down to earth, easy to entertain, precioussss baby boy in all the land, and over the moon in love with him! Graham has changed your life in such a positive way. Believe it or not, your heart had and still has room to expand! It was hard to think you could love any more babies as much as you love Kaylee, but of course, like a parent, you know you would! The joy all of the babies bring you is what makes you... you. Everyone sees it. Keep being the best aunt you can possibly be, and embrace the fact that your heart is so ever-expanding. It'll come full circle one of these days!

Your entire family has been your rock through this whole process. They of course took care of you in the beginning, but they've been your #1 fans the whole entire time, without faltering. They've seen it all. The good, the bad, the ugly... and they're still so excited about the progress you've made. They enjoy the "GUESS WHAT!" e-mails about your weight, and I doubt they'll ever get tired of them! It's just as exciting to them as it is to you, lucky girl! The one who was a bit hesitant, of course, was your Dad, you'll always be his baby! But these days he calls just to say, "Way to go!" and gives you the extra push you need to perservere. Your family is the biggest blessing in your life, and luckily they always make themselves available if/when you need them! That is love.

Random, but one thing you didn't anticipate was how boney you'd become! How do skinny people stand it?? Just laying down on the ground to play airplane with Graham hurts your tailbone (not that it stops you from playing!) and makes you remember that you actually have one, it's not all cushion! And laying on your side, your hip bone is prominent... whodda thunk? But you still got some hips girrrrrl, they'd still be there if you were 110 pounds soakin wet. Oh, and your collarbone, let's not forget that. Your insatiable urge to be like your sister when you were younger still lingered in that area whether you realized it or not! Her collarbones are so pronounced (you've always been jeal, but she's just made that way, get over it!) that you wanted your to be too! Haha. Now they're surfacing, and the 12 year old in you wants a high five.

All of that said, you've come a long way kid. I know you're proud of yourself, but do you truuuuly pat yourself on the back as much as you should? Not when you're spilling your guts on the internet... not when you step on the scale and see an exciting change... not when sometone else points out your accomplishments to you... but when it's just you and your thoughts. Do you praise yourself enough internally and not overtly? I think that's important, so when you find that your wheels aren't spinning, take a second and make a mental note of how good you feel, versus how you felt, and embrace how far you've come. Don't ever forget how far you've come, or take it for granted just because you think you've won the battle. There will always be an internal war against food, and you're the only one on the front line.

I love you, the strong beautiful woman that you've always been, always will be, and are still becoming. You're going to go far in life, and I know that you'll only look back on all of this with a smile on your face, and a ton of supporters not in front of or behind you, but beside you. I think you just made yourself jealous of your own life... silly!

I love you Becky, past, present and future.

No. Matter. What.
<3

The most noticable change has got to be in your face. You smile bigger and your eyes aren't all squinched up from the chub ;) The dimple is augmented!

On a sad note.....

I had to say goodbye to another pound. I had to throw away one more negative feeling and vexation to my spirit. What a sad day! ;)

It's nice to say hello to the 160s again! I haven't seen them since I was 16, going on 170! There's a picture at my parents house from our trip to Paris of myself, my mom and Jen in the Louvre when I was 15. I'd be tickled pink to be back at that weight, and although I have my days when I think that seems far fetched, today is not one of those days. It doesn't seem impossible. Before the procedure I honestly thought it'd take me the full 3 years to get to 165. I completely underestimated myself.

I do that a lot.. don't we all? I got caught up in seeing all of my flaws that I forgot to focus on my strengths. In doing so, I forgot that I actually do have strengths, so I've decided to list them for my own personal reference, just in case I forget again.

I could use my humor to diffuse a bomb.
I give hugs like nobodies business, fo free.
My heart is more open than Wal-Mart. Or a Dr. Quinn Medicine woman necklace.
Forgiveness is my middle name, right after Anne.
I have mad skillz when it comes to babies.
Everyday I work, I give more than I receive.
Everything I do in general, I give more than I receive.
Telling people something that will hurt them hurts me more.
I try my hardest to make every ones birthday memorable.
I am a terrible liar and I don't understand their purpose.
Sometimes I'm so easy going people probably think I don't care.
General rule of thumb: I laugh/smile more than I talk :)
I love what I love, and I love who I love with every atom of my being.

It's one thing to say it about myself, and believe it, but to hear it from other people means even more. All of the following things are snippets of things people have said that have touched me and kept me going. Mind you, with the exception of one or two, these are all private messages, e-mails, texts, etc. that only my eyes have seen, therefore I'm not going to put names with them! When I say that I'm eternally grateful all the time, maybe this will put into perspective the reason why....

"You look fantastic. I guess it may be a little weird coming from me, but I was blown away when I saw the difference you have made in yourself. Keep doin what you're doin and bein who you're bein." ~ probably the most touching, considering he was my first love <3

"I think you are such a strong individual and such an inspiration to so many women."

"Never forget how good you are on the inside and ultimately that's why people will remember you if they are real and true!"

"You are a tremendous person and are well on your way to finding your own happiness."

"Even if you're just rambling on about things the ways you put your words in order are great!"

"There's a huge change in your attitude that I can even see on Facebook!" ;)

"I just wanted to thank you for having the courage to spill your heart out for everyone to read because your words have meant so much to me."

"You look amazing and more importantly, you are feeling amazing about yourself."

"PS: You look AMAZING"

"Go look at my profile pic and then go look in the mirror! Love you!"

"You are a beautiful young woman in every way, and I'm so happy for you!"

"I am so impressed by your hard work!"

"I want you to know that talking to you helped me see a lot."

"You find a love and happiness in every venture or turn of your life. You always find a way to have fun and you love doing it."

"You are very poised within yourself. You're graceful in how you treat your friendships and loved ones. You are very protective of family and close friends and I think that places you high in the world. It puts you on a greater level because you have respect where most don't anymore."

"You smile all duh time" bahah. Ily.

I hope this give some perspective as to why I gush so much about the amazing support that I have. Because none of these people knew that the other sent the message. Each of these is from a different person, with the exception of 2. There are so many positive adjectives, it's overwhelming. It's hard to believe that so many people see the progress I've made. And this doesn't even count the public displays of acclamation, the compliments in passing, or the word of mouth encouragement.

It means a lot to me and it definitely voids the negative thoughts that I feel like are placed upon me on a daily basis... there are just some people that are never gonna like me, as cordial as I may be, and as hard as it is, I just have to accept it.

“It takes your enemy and your friend, working together to hurt you to the heart; the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you” ~ Mark Twain

All of that said, I am so excited to be inching closer and closer to my goal, step by step, day by day... isn't that a theme song??

Step by step.. day by day.. a fresh start over, a different hand to play. The deeper we fall, the stronger we stay. And we'll be better the second time around. Wow... I definitely just channeled my inner adolescence!

I feel like this is really short for some reason. I'm going to get on my Letter to the Editor - 1 year post-op, I just haven't had the time! Hopefully before next WIW??


NMW,

<3

This picture makes me smile, because it was such an incredibly fun night seeing one of my favorite bands (Zac Brown Band) and dancing, being silly with one of my best friends!

I'm a slacker!

I'll admit, I just didn't feel like writing WIW at all last week, it was just one of those days when I felt like I really just didn't have anything to say, so why say anything at all??

Well, today I do have something to say, dang it! And that is that I am now at 170.. (insert name for female dogs with esssssss on the end.) What what! I'll be in the 160s soon enough - jeeeez, didn't think I'd see those numbers for quite a while, but here they come, creepin right along!

I really am okay with not losing weight rapidly anymore! I mean, it was kinda ridiculous how fast I lost in the very beginning, and I set the bar really high for myself, not that I'm complaining b/c those pounds are now a distant memory - forevaaa.

In some ways I kind of feel like each pound told a different story. That might sound crazy, and admittedly it probably is.. but each pound that I put on through the years had it's own sad story. Each one of those pounds was another weight on my shoulder, on my body, mind and soul. Each pound made me feel further away from my inner self and like a trap that I'd never get out of. I was burying myself in fat.

Woah, I don't think I've ever dropped the f-bomb in this blog. It's a strong word that I despise. To me "fat" is stronger than "hate." I'd rather someone hate me than call me fat.. is that weird? So be it. Losing weight has shown me how delusional I was. I still have plenty of meat on m'bones, but a lot less than I did when I was "morbidly obese" - eek! It makes me sad to think about the road I was on and where it was leading.. but then I snap out of it and look at how far I've come!

According to my BMI I'm still "obese"... in 6 or 7 pounds-ish I'll be "overweight." FINE BY ME! I like to blame my BMI on my vertically challenged body! The song 'I wish I were a little bit taller.. I wish I were a baller' comes to mind. I wouldn't wanna be a baller, but being a little bit taller would surely make a difference! It is what it is, I still embrace my short little self and I just wish my body would show some respect and proportion itself a little bit! I guess that's what Body Pump is for :)

Something that's been on my mind a lot lately - for good reason - is independence. It's something we all take for granted. Seriously. I'm not talking about war & peace, I mean, of course I'm grateful for everything that so many people fight for, for us, but I'm talking about independence on an individual level. It's crazy when you sit back and think about everything we're able to do when we have no ties that bind us.

There are so many material things I take for granted on a daily basis. Seriously. I am grateful for the people in my life everyday, but sometimes I forget to be grateful for the things that I have. Not in a materialistic way, but in a thank God I have a roof over my head, a car, and food on the table, basic way. I've been blessed in that I have been here at DSS for almost 3 years, good and bad. I've never in my career felt like my job was not secure simply because there are so many people that go without and are constantly in need, especially in this economy. And this is what I cry about when no one's around.

Is it just me or do sisters have a 6th sense? Mine just called as I was on the verge of tears and completely sidetracked me when I needed it, without even knowing! Love her.

I'm just really glad that I've done pretty well for myself, at the ripe old age of 26 (toot! toot!). I feel God brings me to and through tough things all the time, and He still knows that I'll come out stronger in the end. Sometimes I even inspire myself! I tend be one of those, "only want it when it's gone" kind of people.. I always regret not buying something or not waiting for something to go on sale because I can be indecisive to a fault. These days I'm in more of a, be glad for what you have, mentality, and I think I like that better.

Good things come when you least expect it, usually when you're living life right I suppose. I wasn't planning on going to the Zac Brown Band show tonight, although I desperately wanted to, I couldn't justify it in my budget - but lo and behold, I got a deal I couldn't pass up, and I will be in bearded, toboggan Heaven tonight!

"Life is good today" ~ Zac Brown Band :)

<3,

NMW

One Year :)

Today marks 1 year since my life changing Lap-Band surgery.
Wow!
Today I am 171 pounds.
Today, 1 year out, I am 6 pounds away from my 2-3 year goal fo 165.
Today I'm 74 pounds lighter than I was at my heaviest weight.
Today I'm proud of me. I look a heck of a lot better than I used to, but more importantly, I feel a lot better than I used to.
Today I feel more free, I feel less weighed down in so many ways.
Today I feel loved and I love me and I love the person I'm becoming with every day and every pound.

I definitely feel like this transformation has been one of the best of my life. The transformations I made from birth - adulthood, while great, were not nearly as drastic or quick. I feel like this year has gone by in a blink. It's definitely been a whirlwind. I'll be honest, a year ago, I was scared I'd never reach my goal weight. I was scared I'd be one of the few people who the band just does NOT work for. I'm a lucky, lucky girl in that it has worked well beyond my favor. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, of course I was. I put on a brave face and I let my excitment mask every bit of that, and it worked. Thank God, it worked. I would have never gone through with such a procedure if I weren't so optimistic in nature.

365 days, many follow-up appts, 3 fills, support group meetings, and a zillion text messages to my support system later... I can still honestly say this was the best decision I ever made. I can't begin to describe the joy it brings me to know that I will never be back in the place where I was a year ago, or a year and a half ago. I was miserable, and although surrounded by people, I was always alone in my misery. It was a never ending pit of depression and self loathing. How's that for uplifting??

But honestly, I've made a transformation within myself that I never deemed possible, simply because I was so deep in. I love myself now more than I think anyone could possibly love me, except ya know.. Jesus, with my parents/sister not far behind. I like looking in the mirror... I wouldn't say I love it per se.. but I definitely don't despise it like I used to. I love taking pictures/being in pictures/looking at pictures in a way that I never did before. I told myself in my letter to myself to take lots of pictures, feel good in those pictures. I most definitely have and I will continue to do so.

I don't cry nearlyyy as much as I used to. I used to cry at the drop of a hat, simply because I internalized everything. I'm not kidding - everything. Someone could look at me wrong and I would think that they must be judging me, heck, they may have been. Now when people give me a once over I think, oh, I bet they like this outfit ;) I have a muchhh more positive attitude towards everything in general. Sure I still internalize some big or even little things, but I really don't feel like I'm worthy of being judged anymore - I'm pretty close to "normal."

To have lost 5 dress sizes in a year is just crazy to me, and by far my favorite accomplishment to date! Being as short as I am, sizes are not as gracious as they could be to begin with. Oh well... I look forward to shedding a few more in the future!

The future is something I definitely look forward to. I know I've said the same thing a lot of different ways for the past year, but I hope that my transformation has been somewhat evident. I really haven't had the time to go back and read all of these entries, but I know in my heart that things have changed within me and outside of me for the best. The song, "She's a Butterfly" by Martina McBride has always been special to me, as I lovee butterflies becauase they remind me of my Granna. It didn't occur to me until I ran across the song today, how truly meaningful it was. It's the perfect metaphor for this journey.. although I haven't made my complete transformation, I definitely feel like I'm less of a catipillar and definitely coming out of my cocoon. These words describe it like I can't:

She's a butterfly, pretty as the crimson sky
Nothing's ever gonna bring her down
And everywhere she goes
Everybody knows she's so glad to be alive
She's a butterfly

Like the purest light in a darkened world
So much hope inside such a lovely girl
You should see her fly, it's almost magical
It makes you wanna cry, she's so beautiful

God bless the butterfly,
give her the strength to fly
Never let her wings touch the ground.

I know I'm not done, and I am grateful that I have this Lap Band for the rest of my life, but this is definitely a milestone. I will celebrate like a rockstar when I reach my first goal, and hopefully soon. But right now I'm celebrating the fact that I have been so strong for an entire year. It's been one of the hardest years of my life, but most certainly, the best.

I hope I have said thank you to those of you who have helped carry me through this, enough times for it to sink in. I hope that you realize that the little things you do are more than appreciated, they're needed. Your love and inspiration is my kryptonite and there is absolutely no way that I would have made it this far this quickly without each and every one of you.

Thank you to those who, a year ago, sent flowers, balloons, texts, facebook messages, phone calls, and prayers my way. Thank you to you for messaging me to tell me about your journey with your weight, God or relationships in general. Thank you for listening to me cry. Thank you for making me laugh until it hurts. Thank you for the compliments a plenty. Thank you for motivating me. Thank you for picking me up when I was down or allowing me to crumble when I needed to. Thank you for not judging me when I went against my word. Thank you for making special meal plans for me. Thank you for incessantly asking if I'm able to eat something. Thank you for caring. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being you. And thank you for helping me love me.

NMW,

<3

I spent way too much time making a video/slideshow but umm... it's not uploading :( So, no pictures yet, but I will figure out how to save it and put it on here!... if anyone has any idea how to make this happen, let me know! (Simply uploading it from my computer is just not working and it's too big to attach to an e-mail..)