WIWIWIWIWIWIWIW

I promise this will be a HAPPY post!

Why? Because I have finally started losing again!!! I've only gotten back down to 181, but considering that I was teetering between 183-185 for like a month and a half, I'm superrr excited. And hey, even though I was almosttt at 179, it will feel even more victorious when I get there.

Here's the thing. I got sad/stressed/moody/irritable/depressed, then I got complacent then I got comfortable with complacency. I got off track, then I got down on myself and I got out of synch. I forgot my routine. I'm sure, if you've been keeping up with me, or even if you just hang out with me a lot, you've noticed. I can guarantee you my Mom has without me even having to ask.

Something in my head clicked. I'm not sure when or what it was, but I made up my mind to get back into it. Maybe it was an episode of Biggest Loser. Maybe it was someone else's blog. Maybe it was an encouraging word from a coworker or maybe it was just me letting go of what has been holding me back.

I spent a longgg time trying to please a certain person. In doing so, I lost sight of myself and I forgot who is most important in this - Me. Now that I've finally distanced myself from that whole situation, and taken my heart off my sleeve and put it back into my chest, I'm remembering what it feels like to be happy with myself. This was a hard step to make and to realize I'd made, but now that I've done it, I couldn't be more happy and proud of myself for letting go. If you know me, you know that I don't let go easily.

It's not that I blame that person for my bashing myself or for making me feel like I wasn't good enough, I did that to myself. I was constantly trying to change to fit whatever prototype it was that he was looking for, but nothing I ever did was right. I'm just glad I didn't do anything drastic to change my body (wait a second...). What I've realized is that I was going about it all wrong. It wasn't that he didn't love me, it was that he hated my insecurities. And why shouldn't he? I hated them myself but I could never find a way to defeat them. I'm realizing now that I was simply scared.

Insecurities were like my security blanket. As much of an oxymoron as that is, they were ever present and to me it seemed they'd be with me til the bitter end. I suppose they were. I could always depend on my insecurities to be there, and when I realized they were gone, I think I secretly panicked. I realized I didn't have them to cling to, and that I was confident and secure with myself. You'd think that would elate me, which, to some extent, it does.. but at the same time, it's kind of a hard pill to swallow.

I kind of feel narcissistic talking about this, and myself so much, but, I just keep reminding myself, that someday I'll be glad I documented every bit of the journey.

I've been in really high spirits lately. I have started working out again! I've been to the Y literally 4 times since last Wednesday. Crazy talk. I love the energy and motivation that I've got going on right now and I hope it continues for a longg time! Last week I did the Step Up class... somehow the word "step" didn't click until we got there and I saw the little step things. Holy crap, that class was hardddd! Luckily it was the first one ever, so I didn't feel like a complete fish out of water, but some of those ladies definitely weren't rookies. My favorite part was when my right leg gave out and I fell down then hopped back up like nothing happened. It got better when I turned to my left only to see Magan trying to hide her giggle, which of course threw me into a giggling fit! It makes me laugh now just thinking about it!

Thursday night was a normal routine night, same for Monday... gotta ease back in a little at a time.... then last night, BAM! Body Pump! Wooooo! - that's kinda how it makes me feel. It was awesomeee. It definitely works every part of your body, and today I can feel soreness in muscles I didn't even know I could tone! I loved the instructor, his enthusiasm was awesome, and he gave me about 378127 hi-fives afterwards, not to mention a wink during class. He may be older and he could bat for the other team, but he really made me feel like I was the best Body Pump Virgin he'd ever seen. I almost felt bad for the other new lady, I hope she got a hi-five (but not a wink!). Magan and her Mom, Kim had both done it before, so it was awesome to have that moral support and encouragement! I would've definitely been a fish out of water, flopping on the ground in circles, had they not been there.

I've been told the soreness will go away in about a week and then I can increase the load of my weights. Right now that seems like a totally far fetched idea, but I'll keep you posted!

Part of my recent happiness has most definitely got to be coming from the encouragement I've gotten from people lately. Not even necessarily about my weight. Some of the most random people, (i.e. old man security guard, DSS building cleaning lady) have told me how proud they are of me for moving up or that "with that smile you'll go all the way to the top!" Those are the types of things that keep me feeling joyful and triumphant (sorry, I'm reallyyy ready for Christmas.) and those are things that have nothing to do with my weight loss, but they have everything to do with me and my ability to succeed, which carries over into my motivation to kick it into high gear and get the rest of this weight off!

I have had the weirdest dreams lately! Thank you, Wellbutrin! ha. Such as: planning a trip on a boat that made you feel like you were a whale (or stuck inside the whale?). Like, it swims through the ocean with fins and looks like a while... Wow, that sounds even crazier than I thought. And then there were toy ships that destroyed cities?? I have no idea what the meaning of that is, but I do know that one of my friends was playing with one and tearing down W-S and I got super mad... woke up mad at him.... Sorry B, I know you didn't intend to Godzilla my home.

Certain individuals (ehhem... jbrd) look forward to the relationship section of my blog. This week has been quite confusing for me. I'm not sure where anything stands right now. I know what I want, but I'm not sure that it's feasible. I guess if it's worth it, it'll work, but sometimes I think my optimistic nature and faith in the future is wayy beyond that of others. But that's just the way I am!

I've also come to realize that I'm an "all or nothing" kind of gal. I seem to have an on/off switch somewhere in my brain. I attribute this to my selfless nature as Kylie would describe it. When I'm in a relationship or even just like someone a lot, I put my whole heart into it, and, usually way too quickly. I give it to them to toss around, see if they like it, drop it, step on it, hand it back, or break it into a million little pieces. I wish I had a grey area, but I don't. I think that's why I hurt people and get hurt so easily. It's frustrating, but not as frustrating as the insecurity that the unknown brings. Le sigh.

I'm just going to keep busting my butt so that no matter what happens, I'll be in the best shape of my life and I'll be the best Becky I can be so that I can check my insecurity blanket at the door. :)

NMW,

<3

Running away :)

I know, I know, I didn't post last week, sorryyyy. No excuses, other than, I've been busy - if I haven't already made that clear ;)

Still, no freaking change. I'm beyond frustrated. I told myself I wouldn't be, but come on, now, it's been like 3 months since I've been on a losing streak. Granted, I had beginners luck, but my luck as run out and now I'm just trying to figure out where to go from here. BUT, I only gained like 2 pounds over Thanksgiving and I managed to lose those! That's a win.

I've been on my antidepressant meds long enough for them to be well into my system, and I suppose they're working, I'm not really sure to be quite honest. At Thanksgiving with my wonderful family one of my aunts who is also a nurse and, might I add, faithful WIW follower :) suggested that I have my Vitamin D levels checked as most people have a defficiency and this affects a LOT of things including depression/mood/what have you.

That Sunday I went to Planet Nutrition (can I get a discount??.. wait, I already do!) and got liquid Vitamin D-3, which, is gross in liquid form but that's the only choice I have, so I plug my nose! I take 5,000IU/week, 4 drops is a daily dose, not bad! I'm going to try that and see if I can't kick the Wellbutrin, as I'd much rather not be dependent on those meds, plus she says they make you gain weight as they increase your appetite. Hook, line and sinker - wellbutrin be gone, please!

So, I titled this WIW "Running Away" because that's just what I plan on doing. I want to start running. Mom's been talking about it a lot for the past couple of weeks. My Dad is an avid runner and had taken it back up the past few years, running in 5K's all the time. If he can do it in his early 60s, I can do it at almost 26. That said, my cousin Melissa has inspired us to enter a half marathon which will take place, I think, a year from January in BERMUDA. I've been wanting to go back for years, and I definitely didn't have a half marathon in mind when daydreaming of pink sandy beaches.... however, if I've learned anything from this experience it's that I have to push myself to do things I never thought I could, and reward myself at the same time.

What better way to motivate myself than by training for a half marathon with the knowledge that I'll get to relax, visit with family that I haven't seen in years, see everything from an adult point of view, and feel ACCOMPLISHED when I'm done? I can't say that I'm not scared to death, but what better time than the present to get myself motivated once again? And what motivation that is!

These are my thoughts, comments and concerns about running:

Negative: Holy crap. It hurts. I get so winded. My legs will cramp in like two seconds. Running the mile was my biggest fear in grade school. I just can't.

Positive: I got this. I can totally do it. I'm pretty sure I can train myself not to trip over my own feet. Magan can totally be my trainer, I just hope it doesn't cost us our best friendship! I can work up to running easily, I walk pretty fast. I'm carrying 65 less pounds, what's my excuse?

Plan: Quit talking about it and DO IT. Run away from problems. Run away. Not from the old you, but from the old body of you. Run out of that shell and into the body that you deserve and are working so hard for.

Sooo... wish me luck :)

Life is pretty good, I mean, I can't complain at all! I've been crazy busy, which I love, but I've also kept busy hanging out with the friends that I don't get to see often and that has been wonderful. I've always loved having friends with whom we can "pick up where we left off" and that's just what I've been doing as of late. I've also mended some broken friendships that were broken due to immaturity and well, boys getting the best of our hearts. This makes me realize how far from under the rock of insecurity I have come.

I am continually growing and learning from past mistakes. I am still dealing with a huge one and will be for probably the rest of my life. I appreciate all of the prayers, concern and support, but like I said, when the time is right, I'll talk about it. It's just not quite right yet... my apologies if you're still in the dark about the subject, but I'm probably just embarassed to tell you, so bear with me.

God continues to amaze me in the ways He is working in my life. Although my very best friend in the entire world (I have way too many bff's, but I'd have it no other way!) who has been my roommate for the past year - that's a record incase you're keeping track of the condo's habitants, is moving out :( It's for the best as she is only doing so for financial reasons, and I can't be mad at her for that!

I am excited that on the same day as this was decided, a dear sweet friend asked if I was still in need of a roommate in the near future. She and I will get along famously, and I'm excited about all the fun adventure we will have... especially in the kitchen since neither of us know how to cook, maybe we can learn together! God helps you out when you least expect it, and I know that He is looking out for all three of us by letting the cards fall where they did. How awesome! She is also the one who encouraged me to keep talking to the sweet boy who makes me smile on a daily basis, although he's across the country, he's always on my mind and a "beep beep" away.

In the spirit of annoying Facebook games, I am tempted to ask that some or all of you leave an anonymous (or not?) comment on this blog.... I do a LOT of talking, and although I do get wonderful feedback, only a handful of people of so many of you, do so. So I'd like to hear what you think... good, bad, ugly, pretty... what have you :)

I love you and I love me!

NMW,

<3

WIW... thanksssss.

WIW.... still at a standstill. I have decided that I'm going to ask for a small un-fill at my next appointment. I think my band may be too tight, as I've gotten sick a bit more and without even realizing it, I've started turning to "slider" foods knowing that they'll go down easily. Crap. Didn't I pay attention in class?? I think I need a refresher.

Last night was kind of a wake-up call. As I finished baking my Pumpkin Gooey Bars, I decided it couldn't hurt to just try a little corner. Like 2x1. Well, apparently my band was mad at me for this. It didn't want to go down right away, so I thought, well.. I'll just help it along a little bit, I'm thirsty anyway.. how about a liiittle glass of milk. EHHHHHHHHHHHH. Bad idea. I immediately regretted this decision as I made my way to the porcelain throne, which, mind you, I keep very clean these days.. like I said, I've gotten sick a bit more. The only thing that came up (sorry for the gory det's) is the milk. Okay Lap Band, you've made your point. You win. You always do. No liquids for 30 minutes it is.

Hold the phone. It's Thanksgiving?? Already?? Seriously. This year has flown by. I remember joking last year about how we had 2 more mouths to feed since Jen & MB were preggo. Now the beautiful babies are here and this will be a Thanksgiving for the books! I am so excited to spend the holiday not only with my local relatives but then again with my relatives in Cary and those who came up from Jacksonville, FL! This is the first year we've all been together, and probably the first time we have all been together at one time since Mandy & Ian's wedding! How exciting!

You may be asking yourself "What the heck is Beck going to eat at this time of feasting and carrying on and making much ado about... FOOD?" Well, if you've figured out the answer to that, please let me know! I know that turkey will be too dry (no offense, Dad or Pat, it's not your cooking, it's the meat's fault!) to go down easily. I guess I could add some gravy, but I don't really like it all that much.. and why take up space when I could have all the other delicious trimmings?

I'm sure I'll fill my plate up regardless. I mean, come on, it's Thanksgiving! My eyes have been much bigger than my stomach for 8 months now, and even though I know "I can't eat all of that" it still makes me feel good when I have leftovers on my plate. Call me wasteful, but I bet dogs don't love you as much as they love me! I'm super excited about my aunt making my grandmother's dressing. I'm pretty sure she's the only one who knows how to do it and it holds a special place in my heart and tiny tummy.

And, I'll have you know, I am in charge of the green bean casserole this year. Heyyo! I guess after 24 years of not cooking anything, my time was up. I've enjoyed finding recipes and whipping things up a lottt more than I thought I would. But I've gotta be careful because I'm pretty sure I could eat Pumpkin Gooey Bars every day of my life and gain back all 65 pounds that I've lost! :P

I've been thinking about WIW for the past couple of days... and while I really want to thank Abraham Lincoln for allowing me to have the next two days off work, there are a lot of people I want to give thanks. I may have to bundle some of you, as there are so many conglomerations (I love fancy words.)

I am grateful for:

My Lap Band - okay, maybe you're not a person, but you're a part of me. You've made your home around my belly, and you make yourself quite prominent in my life everyday. Thank you for helping me to lose this weight and taking the weight of the world off of my shoulders and taking my hips, thighs, arms, belly, etc with you. I wouldn't be where I am today without you, LB! Even though you make me curse you sometimes, I'll never regret my decision. No matter what.

Mom & Dad - well, there aren't enough words or gifts in the world to thank you for everything you've done for me, with me and in support of me. You've carried me through thick & thin (literally. hahah) and never once doubted my ability to use my lap band as a tool and to conquer this ongoing weight issue. I am beyond blessed to have you as my parents, my life coaches, my guardians, and my saving graces. "Love you more" :)

Jen & Jay - my most favorite sister & BIL in the world. I couldn't have asked for better. Seriously. Between the wit, the humor and the sarcasm, we get along so well and it makes me realize how much you guys love me when you (both) get protective. I look forward to the day when I can bring a guy home for Thanksgiving and let him face the wrath of Jaybird. Until then, that sweet baby boy that you have perfected is my date! I am so grateful to have you guys as supporters and as my steadfast rock to lean on when times get hard and I just need a hug. Okay, maybe Jen more so for that.. but Jay for comic relief. I love you guys so much!

The Girls - (by this I mean Magan, Ash (BJ & W!), Holly, Andrea, Kelly, Kylie, Lindsey, Brooke etc) Thank you, each of you, for being such amazing best friends through all of this. Near or far, you've provided words of comfort, wisdom and encouragement which have meant more to me than you'll ever know. I may not say it enough, but I am so glad to have y'all in my life. Thank you for every compliment, every "you're doing awesome!" and every single laugh along the way. I love you girls!

The Farm Girls - (by this I mean Laura, Bahnie, Stephanie, Meredith, Katie, Annie, etc.) Thank you for being scared for me, and helping me to weigh my options before I made this drastic life change. I hope that you're proud of me, and I know that you are! Thank you for the girls nights and for listening to me cry when I just needed to get it out. For putting me in my place or cleaning up my broken glass. For making me laugh and for showing me that it is possible to overcome anything with enough strength. Alsooo, thank you La for all the meals & Lap Band-friendly cooking lessons :) I love y'all!

E & B - I put you two together because, well, you're independently my best friends and don't really fit into any of the above groups. You're the ones who know me inside & out whether that be good or bad, and whether or not I tell you whats going on in my life or not. You just have some kind of 6th Becky sense. You know when I need a bbm/text or a smile and you know when I'm at my wits end and just need to vent. You've seen me through some tough times and never faltered. Thank you for just being there. I love you guys!

The Carolina Girls - (Loryn, Jaclyn, Heidi, McKenzie, Marisa, Erica, and I'm adding Carol & Cameron to this group too!) You ladies are amazing! My sister couldn't ask for better best friends/relatives. I consider each of you to be an extension of our family and it warms my heart that you are all still so close. I look up to each of you probably more than you'd expect. You each serve as wonderful role models in your own way! I respect everything you guys have accomplished and it makes me proud to think that I'll someday be just as wonderful as a professional, a wife and a mother. You all mean so much to my sister, and thereby, so much to me! I love you all!

My extended family - whew, there are wayy too many of you to name. But you're all always there for me regardless of circumstance. You've helped me grow and you've helped me to face some of my demons. You've helped me in times of despair and held me when I've cried. You've helped to mold and shape me into the woman I am today and the woman I am still becoming everyday. I am so blessed to have each of you, and I love the fact that I have so much of both sides of the family in my personality! I love you!

My boys - Thank you for being there as amazing friends, since elementary school or post-college. Thank you for telling me how great I look, and for saying nice things about me behind my back! You'll never know how much I truly appreciate that you recognize my hard work and that it makes me feel wonderful when one of you says "You've always been pretty!" I heart you.

A-holes - Thank you for tearing me down and making me feel like crap for a reallyyy long time. You may not have done it directly to my face, but we both know the hurtful things you've said about me, and that's the sad part. You may have said or done something to me that you didn't even know hurt my feelings. But you weren't there to see the tears I cried into my pillow. You weren't there to clean up the pieces of my shattered, broken heart. But hear you me, I took all of that resentment and turned it into pride. I am proud of myself and who I've become and you'll never make me feel so small (errr.. big.) again. I don't hate you, because I'm not a hater. I hate that you belittle others mentally, physically and emotionally because you're going to do that for the rest of your life and there's not a fix for that. I hate that it took me so long to realize that I am above you. I hate that I can't help any of you because you're too far gone. Maybe someday. Regardless, I love you for building my strength.

NMW,

<3

PICTURESSSS! I found one from New Years 2009 at Laura's that I just had to use as a before picture! Oh-em-gee! And yes, Mom, that's a shotgun.... I'm sorry your baby has redneck tendencies. The other is from Kevin & Caroline's bday party, November 2010 :)

WIW returns :)

While I may still be busy, I have to take at least a moment to blog. I would be crazy not to, with Kelly and Ashley BJ coming over tonight.. I'd be scared of what they might do to me ;)

So, I went to my regular doctor's office this morning for somewhat of a well-check visit. "Well" is objective. I was highlyyy disappointed (almost to the point of tears) when I saw that the scale said 185. WTF? That scale liesss. Jk. It's probably more accurate than mine at home! But holy crap. That's depressing.

Which brings me back to my "well" visit. The reason for my visit was to discuss the things that have had me in such a funk lately. I started talking with the PA's co-pilot, the Taye Diggs look-a-like.. I hope I didn't blush too much.. and told him that I was pretty sure I had adult A.D.D. The result of our conversation? "Damn you, Web, M.D." [which he found hilarious.. I swooned..] for allowing me to self diagnose like that! He said he would go talk to Ryan but that he was pretty sure that what I was describing was anxiety. Oh.. yes... that sounds much more accurate.

I already take a baby dose of Lexapro, but it makes me super tired so I have to take it around 8pm and then I'm able to sleep really well.. but it also interferes with my function the next morning. I'm already NOT a morning person, so increasing the dosage of that did not sound like a good idea. However, they decided that adding Wellbutrin could help. So I'll start that tomorrow. I really hope it does because anxiety and depression don't look good on me.

I haven't felt like myself in a couple of months... and I feel like it's gotten to the point where people are starting to notice/treat me differently. I don't want it to get out of control, so I really hope this helps. I'm not sure why I've deemed this blog-appropriate, but I think I owe it to myself to document what's going on in these different stages/phases of my transformation. Like I said, it's not always rainbows & daisies!

I'm positive there's a correlation between my weight gain and anxiety, and it's kind of a rock & a hard place. While I know the things that make me feel better such as exercising and whatnot, are the things that will help me lose, the depression keeps me from being motivated to do such things. I'm not trying to blame anything on a disease, but it is definitely something that is bigger than me right now, and luckily, I have no shame when it comes for asking my doctors for help. That's what they're there for and that's why I pay for insurance!

It's always kind of a relief to find out that what I'm dealing with is "normal." Once I gave them the rundown of everything going on in my life (which.. sorry for the buzz kill.. I do not deem blog appropriate!) they started saying big words I was actually familiar with (spelling them, not so much) such as: kolonopin, xanax, etc. I wasn't completely comfortable with these options... I don't want anything that I could everrr get addicted to, and I don't want to be all drugged up and zombie-like, because that would be a far cry from the Becky we all know and love!

I've heard great things about Wellbutrin and I've done a little bit of googling, so I'm really hoping that this is the solution to the problem, for now anyway. I think this will get me back on the right track, and definitely help me to get back to that great place where I was when I thought things were "boring." Boy did I jinx myself with that!

I'm still making progress, don't get me wrong. I'm leaning on my family and close friends for support, and laying it all out for God to help me carry the load when I just don't feel like I can do it on my own anymore.

The Church Search as I lovingly call it, is still on. This Sunday I'm going to Hillsdale United Methodist, which I hope I will enjoy as much as the folks I know who go there. I'm excited for this opportunity, and grateful that so many people have given me so much guidance with this journey. And if there were 7 Sundays in a week, I'd try every single recommendation. :)

It's getting harder and harder for me to think of things to talk about in this blog, but I'm trying really hard to limit it to things that are going on within me, not around me. I could talk about work or crazy people or a million other things I can't change, but that's not what this is for, and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

I'm ready to nip this anxiety disorder in the bud once and for all, and although it's something I'm sure I'll have my whole life, at least I've gotten it reigned in. While weight loss is not something a lot of people can relate with me on, this is something that I know everyone suffers with from time to time, and maybe it happens for them as often as it does me, and talking to someone about it (in my case, my best friend who used to be on Wellbutrin and actually hoped I'd be prescribed it b/c it helped her so much) then talking to the doctor about it could help them as much as I hope it helps me.

That said, I have to be grateful for all of the amazing things going on in my life.

I cannot get over how amazingly precious and ridiculously wonderful my nephew is. His smile may or may not have the ability to cure cancer... I'm just sayin. I have never heard a sound so sweet as his breath in my ear when he falls asleep on my shoulder. It breaks my heart when he cries because his teeth are trying to hard to cut, but it makes me feel so good when I'm able to sooth him or see my sister calm him. I'm in awe of the relationship we have in just 5 short months and utterly amazed at how much his parents love him. Not to mention his grandparents, aunts & uncles :)

If you haven't noticed, I love having things to look forward to. For example, tonight a couple of the girls are coming over for dinner (I'm cooking! Seriously.) and facials. This is exactly the kind of thing that gets me through the day! Friday night I'm going to see Alan Jackson and the Band Perry which I'm also really excited about because concerts are always fun and I'm sure it will be a great show, and good end-of-week tension reliever! And I'm reallyy excited about trying another church on Sunday.

Next week cannot get here soon enough, though. Two of my best friends who live entirely too far away will be coming home for Thanksgiving and this makes my heart soo happy! I have miss Kylie and Erin so much. E-mails and texts, while sufficient, just don't have the same result as face to face heart to hearts.

Plus we'll have our traditional Thanksgiving with the Dinkins which is always my favorite, then head to Cary to visit with the McGehee's including the Floridian McGehees! The first time this has happened, and hopefully the first of many! It will be so amazing to have 3 generations together and how awesome to have both Natalie and Graham there for our adoring pleasure!

This Holiday season will be an adjustment for me, having the Lap Band! This time last year, I knew I would have one a year from then, so I took full advantage of the delicious feasts. This year, I'll feast in moderation, but I'm so looking forward to caring less about the food, and more about the family, comradery and reason for the season!

NMW,

<3

WIM on a whim!

I never realized how cathartic this blog is until I went 2 weeks without posting anything due to the busy nature of my work/life/time. I spent most every lunch break/spare minute working during the last 2 weeks. Whew. My mind and heart are overflowing with things that I need to get off my chest and make some sense of... whether or not that happens is up to the keyboard.

So the last 2 weeks have been.... stressful. Over 1200 people came in to apply or inquire about energy assistance, which is awesome. Most of them were easy to deal with, but of course there were a few thorns. The ladies I supervise have been so much fun though, what a great group! I just can't help but be so grateful that they were so easy to work with and never complained about the workload. Any frustration was relieved by a heavy sigh and "I'm ready for the next one!" we laughed a lot during our slow times, and that made the whole process so much more fun.

As for my weight loss, well, it's kind of taken a back burner as I've been so preoccupied. None the less, it is still at a standstill. I can't get over the dang 180 hump :( And I know this is because I haven't been working out as regularly, and I really want to change that, but I definitely need a swift kick in the butt and a gym partner! I hate the thought of going by myself to the Y, but I guess at some point, I've really gotta put on my big girl workout pants, and just do it. It sounds stupid everytime I say that I don't want to go by myself, but whatever. That's just me. I like going with people who motivate me and who I can motivate in return! Call me dependent, but I just like the company.

I don't even know where to begin as to where my mind is right now. It's in a million different places. I've been really sad/upset since our family cat Daisy (age 17) died Saturday night. This isn't something I thought would affect me as much as it has. But I think Erin pinned it when she said that losing Daisy is bringing out emotions about other parts of my life that I'm not ready to deal with. If you know me at all you know I hate change. I can't stand it. It's my enemy. Granted, I've gone through more change in the past 6 months than anyone I know, but those were changes that were up to me, in my control, and for the better.

I'm not a control freak by any means, but I much prefer to stand on steady ground than to feel like the rug has been ripped from beneath me. I guess that's kind of where I feel like I am right now. I'm in a weird place. I'm not sad, I'm not exuberantly happy, I'm just... stuck. I'm in a rut. I need to get back to reading my book "Get Out of that Pit" but, as luck would have it, I have no leisure time. That is something I miss. I knew I'd eat my words when I said I was ready to be busy.. I just need better time management skills so I can remember to have some "me" time every once in a while.

I've not done much self reflection lately, and I think that's another reason I'm feeling a bit angsty. I've been so wrapped up in work, worrying about everything going on with everyone else, and events that I've forgotten to just sit back and ask myself how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, and what's got me so in a tizzy?

I can't say that I'm not happy, because I really truly am! I love my life. It's amazing. But somethings just not clicking right now. It's almost as though I've lost touch briefly of who I am and I've gotten swept up in this whirlwind of go - go - go that I've barely had time to breathe much less be appreciative of all of those around me and let them know that, as I usually would.

I said I don't like change, but when it's for the better, and kind of within my control, I do. A month or so ago I could've sworn up and down I didn't need a guy to make me feel better about myself. That's because I hadn't met the right kind of guy. Someone who gets my sense of humor, who has a good head on his shoulders, and even though he may not live right down the street, or even in this state (okay, across the country), wishes he could be with me to cuddle and likes me for me, not for how I can benefit him. Someone who cares about me as much as I care about them. I may or may not have found a good one, and although I was quite resistant at first, I think my walls are slowly coming down. :)

Aaaand back to the bad change. I must say that I am kind of feeling lonely in my busy-ness. Maybe it's because the people I want to see so badly live so far away (okay, maybe Greenville is not that far, but it feels like another continent when it's been so many months since I've seen my E.) and the ones who I love to hang out with here feel so distant. There seems to have been a shift. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's because I've been so busy that I've had to decline plans or slept through them.

I've cried about it a lot, but prayed about it more. I feel like when I do have spare time, I'm hanging out with my family as much as I can, which is what I want to do, but it leaves little time for being as freely available as I once was. It sucks, because I want to be able to go do things last minute, and be as spontaneous as I once was, because that's just what I'm supposed to be able to do at this stage of my life! And, I will, I just have to learn how to manage my time better. It's all a learning process, and I can't let myself get so drained so easily.

I feel like, once again, I'm mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etcetera-lly exhausted. I need a good recharing and I just need to keep getting things off my chest here. What I really need is a heart to heart. I'm feigning for some psychoanalysis.

And I really hope my weight loss starts back up again soon, as well as my exercise regimen. I don't know why I'm in this slump of not wanting to do anything, because I really do feel so much better when I'm working out - plus it helps me lose. I know all of us have dealt with depression in our own form, and winter is always the hardest season, but for me it feels like this is going to be one of the hardest!

What I do know is that that Holidays are coming, which means lotsss of time with family and friends! And short breaks from work... what more could I ask for? Unless it were Bob or Jillian to come be my live-in life coach. Just until I reach my goal. Not so much to ask...!

I feel a little bit better after this womp-womp post. And I promise I'm keeping my chin up, I just needed to get all this out and quit feeling sorry for myself and keeping it all in.

I still love me, and I still love you!

NMW,

<3

The learning curve..

I lost 2 POUNDS!!! And I even checked 2 days in a row, just to make sure the scale wasn't lying ;) I'm at 180 now, so I'll definitely be celebrating the next pound which I will KEEP OFF! Woohoooo!

Maybe being stressed works for me... Because that's what I've been and the worst is yet to come.. work wise! My temp workers started this week and they're all precious and amazing, but training is training and who likes to sit at their desk and read a manual which says the same thing 83931 times? Not I. I tried to spice things up today by doing some hands-on stuff, and they seemed to like that, but honestly... it still sucks. Better luck next year.. when I know what to expect and what I'm even talking about! Thank goodness the girls have been so patient with me and even if I'm a nervous wreck about the next 2 crazy weeks, I've been able to hide my fear and ease theirs.

We'll be taking applications for a solid two weeks for LIEAP alone. We'll see hundreds of people, atleast 1200, in 10 days. Eek. A challenge, fo sho, but I really think we'll be on easy street after day 1 when everyone's (including mine..) confidence is up and they feel like they know what they're doing... because the process is quite repetitious! And somehow, with my awesome time management skills (ha!), I'll still have to process all the CIP applications while assisting the app workers as needed.. I don't know if any of you care about my work life.. but that's what's on the forefront of my brain right now.

But when I lay down at night there are other things on my brain...

My lovelife for one. Ahh.. some juice! Not really... it's kinda lacking lately. Like, there have been opportunities knocking, I'm just not feelin like dating anyone at all right now, and as many time as I've gotten hurt, the last thing I want to do is hurt someone else by leading them on. It's a catch 22 though, because by being incognito, I could miss out on something genuine. Not to say that I want to date guys who are superficial or emotionally unavailable, or what have you, I just don't want to get wrapped up in something that's going to get me hurt again, or end up with me hurting them. I hope that makes sense.

One thing I've noticed recently is that while I hope to goodness my personality hasn't changed, and I know my sense of humor hasn't.. as my confidence increases, so do my standards to some extent. I used to crave attention from guys because I wasn't getting it. Now that I have it, I either don't know what to do with it, or I get annoyed by how they act. I know I've always had every right to be picky, but I wasn't. I was feigning for the unattainable, one of the only things that was out of my reach... and some days I want that back.

I never thought I'd say that I wanted my weight back. And don't get me wrong, I DON'T! I want to keep losing 2 pounds a week, or even a month, until I get to my goal. Which will happen. Eventually. But at the same time, it's reallyyy difficult to go from being 245lbs to 180 in a matter of 7 months. People can tell you that til they're blue in the face before you lose the weight, but it doesn't matter. It affects everyone differently.

I have found myself, more than once, almost wishing that I still had that cloak of morbid obesity to hide behind, because, to be honest, I felt invisible. I felt like I was constantly having to shine in other ways and succeed at other things in order to even be noticed. That sounds terrible in retrospect, but that's just the way it was. It's not an easy lifestyle to live, and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. But the silver lining is that I have been there, done that, got that t-shirt and I've learned a lot in the process.

I've learned that I never want to see those numbers on a scale again. I've learned that I never want to feel judged because of my weight again. That I will never judge an obese person. That I have to accept plateus. That I don't want to lose my curves. That I'm not an object. That no matter how much I lose, I can never lose myself. I've learned that people really do see me differently than I see myself, and that's great. I've learned that when people give me compliments, they are genuine. I've learned that my ass looks fabulous sometimes and I just have to accept that.

I've learned that the person I'm becoming is beginning to reflect the person I've always been on the inside. My heart isn't obese. My soul is perfectly fit. My mind is in better shape than a lot of people's and the rest of me just needs some tuning.

I'm happy with my success so far, and I plan to continue to succeed week by week, and I want to get in the habit of being proud of myself for maintaining my weight, because even if the scale doesn't budge one Wednesday, it will never say 245 again.

NMW,

<3

Just because I love pictures!....

Steady as she goes....

SOOO sorry about the delay! I just scrapped everything I wrote yesterday, because I just wasn't in writing mode yesterday, therefore it was just not flowing and nothing I wanted to say was coming out right. I apologize to those who were anxiously awaiting/accosting me about it ;) I love you guys!


Soo yesterday morning and this morning when I weighed (to be fair!) I was at 181. Soo, a pound since last week, which is great! But still, naturally, not as much as I had hoped! I haven't had an exciting 3 pound weight loss in a month, but to tell you the truth, I'm glad. The times when I have lost 3 pounds in a week, believe it or not, have been some of the hardest times of my life but I displaced my stress/saddness by not eating.. and celebrating the fact that I was losing weight.

I have NEVER been a person to NOT eat when I'm stressed. I have always eaten when I'm happy, sad, bored, meloncholy, ecstatic, depressed, hot, cold, you name it. If my belly wasn't too full for it, there was always room in the inn. I based my life around food, hands down, all the time. Now I'm restricted as to how much I can depend on food like I used to, and thank God for that. But I've also taken it for granted in that when I've gone through these stressful or sad times, I've taken to somewhat starving myself. And what's that do? Nothing good, I'll tell ya that right now.

But it wasn't like I meant to. I didn't wake up one day and say, oh, so and so hurt my heart today, I think I'll starve so that I can lose weight and feel confident again next WIW. Okay, maybe that's what my conscience said, verbatem. But, regardless, that's exactly what I was doing. I think I've blogged about it.. but I can't remember. I know I said that I felt like I was almost getting anorexic, and I kind of was I guess. A total 180 from the eating habits I used to have, that's for damn sure!

These days I feel like I'm finding a happy medium, however, it's not very weight loss friendly! I'm eating until I'm satisfied, but maybe not quite as healthy as when I first jumped on the band-wagon (pun absolutely intended). And since I'm now at my "sweet spot" I believe I've gotten a little too confident in myself. I need to set up an appointment with Amber so she can set me straight. I reallyy need to start journaling my food so that I can see what I ate on a "good" week, but it's so much easier said than done. I can barely remember what I ate for breakfast much less remember to log it when I'm done or at the end of the day. I'll find a system that works, meanwhile, I just need to watch myself and get my sweet tooth pulled!

I find that not drinking alcohol, as I usually drank sweet white wine, is STILL causing me to crave sweats. Like I said before, I'm not really a sweets person. Sure, I love them, but I've never craved them. My feeble attempt at ceasing this craving is to chew lots of gum. If it works to quit smoking, why not to quit sweetening? Any suggestions are welcome, and PLEASE do not feel like you can't eat a piece of cake in front of me, that would make me feel totally guilty (more so than you. I PROMISE.)

That's something I should probably talk about. People's guilt-association towards me. It's gotten progressively worse and it makes me feel so bad. Like, bless their hearts, everyone who is close to me knows that I can't drink anything carbonated. But it never fails (nope, you're not the only one who has done it!) someone will always offer me a drink with carbonation or some random thing that I can't eat and I just ask for water or laugh b/c they quickly realize what they've said and then they either seem to feel embarassed for forgetting, or guilty that they can drink it and I can't. Let me tell you, each and every one of you: It does NOT bother me one bit. And I actually find it pretty amusing, because that's better than feeling like a freak of nature :)

One thing that will always make me feel like a freak of nature (or until I just get used to it?) is when I'm sitting at the table and suddenly get a look of discomfort and sudden onset panic because something has gotten "stuck." I think my parents, Ash T and Ryan are probably the only ones who have actually witnessed these episodes, but they're not pretty. Honestly, I just get scared. I can generally walk around and be fine, but there's been once that it was so sudden I got sick in a cup in my car - thank you, God, for allowing me to be alone at that moment! I know my band well enough to know when something is going to go through and when it's just going to have to come up, no if's and's or but's about it, and I've never gotten sick at the table (knock on wood!) or anything, but I get so self conscious, to the point that I had to request that my Mom not look at me for a minute until I finally excused myself to the bathroom - to no avail.

There's the "bad & ugly" for this edition! I don't know why but it made me feel so guilty to ask her to look away. She's my Mom, she just wanted to make sure I was okay and she'd be the first to hold my hair should I ask. In those moments I just feel so embarassed and like, "why'd I eat that so dang fast??" and I get super insecure. I had an episode (I hope none of my other family noticed!) at my Aunt & Uncle's house b/c I ate too much for my little belly, and, in hindsight, my band was much tighter from swelling on the flight down to FL Friday night... but that didnt' occur to me at the time! I had sharp shooting pains on my left side, as if I had a stitch from running a mile, but really I had just done some marathon eating of the delicious food my Aunt Sherry cooked! The yuckiness went away, but for a good 30 minutes it was all I could do not to cry. But, as always, I learned my lesson!

So, on to the "good!" We had an awesome weekend in Jacksonville, FL! I've never made it down to see one of my Uncle Shawn's Change of Command ceremonies due to other events, but I was determined to make it this time! I was so honored and blessed to be invited to such a prestigious event, and even more excited that it was in honor of my Uncle's service for the past 15 months. He's passed on the reigns and will move onto his next assignment, but you could just tell how much he enjoyed his term and how much he was appreciated. Especially when his squadron presented him with an extra award, not usually given, just to show their appreciation. His face was priceless and it just melted my heart! I am so proud of him, and of course all of our servicemen, but him especially :)

It was so nice to spend the weekend with my parents, Uncle Laurie & cousin Mandy and to finally get to visit Uncle Shawn, Aunt Sherry and my precious baby cousin Natalie in their territory! We got the ultimate experience! Before the ceremony we went to "play" in the flight simulator which is an exact replica of the P-3 his squadron flies. It was awesomeee. And I did a touch & go! That was cool. And we're all still alive... impressive.

My faith in God is still going strong. We're like bff's. We talk everyday, multiple times a day. He's helping me to open my eyes to see the good aspects and negative aspects of my life, and helping me to decipher what deserves my attention and what doesn't. Right now I'm focusing all of my energy on work, home and family. I sound like a married lady, huh? What I mean is, I'm focusing on myself, and making sure that I love myself first and foremost, before anyone else, and look out for my best interest. I cleaned my room and bathroom spic n span.. 235429 loads of laundry later. I gathered and bagged clothes for Goodwill and trashed some. With Mom's help my car is also spic n span. I intend to keep these things this way because it just makes me feel so much better as a whole.

I know, it's common sense, but sometimes it's so easy to let yourself go and procrastinate things until you make a mountain out of a mole hill.. or clothes, or coffee cups, or any other imaginable thing that could be found in a bedroom or car. I'm trying really hard to just stay organized, not just for a couple days or for a week, but for the long haul.

I've spent an incredible amount of time with my family for the past month ;) and I've realized how easy it is to make time for them. Family dinners are becoming a much more regular thing, and we probably have G to thank for some of that. He's a blessing in more ways than one! I realize that this is part of my healing process and definitely part of His plan for me. I spent a long time rebelling against my better interest, but my parents were steadfast and they knew they had to give me my wings in order for me to make it back to them. They still allow me to have my wings, but they also keep me humbled and for that I am soo glad. I know y'all know how much I love my family, but to me, it's like proclaiming my faith, I just can't say it enough. I love you Mom, Dad, Jen, Jay and G! And ALL of my extended family of course!

I have no idea if any of what I just typed flowed, but I pray that it's somewhat coherent. I'm getting somewhat stressed at work because, well, I asked for it. If you offer your services and help word spreads quickly ;) I do love it though, and I look so forward to the first 2 weeks of November when we'll be swamped with LIEAP applications. I'm being groomed this year, to be able to run the program efficiently next year.. Wish me luck! And remind me that I was anxious for more responsibility when I'm pulling out my hair!

PS Yesterday was love your body day. Give yourself a hug, beautiful!

NMW,

<3

I said I'd be honest!

From the get-go, I said I'd be completely honest about my weight loss, even if it meant I gained. And, although I would much rather completely fib this week, I'd be doing myself no favors.

This morning when I hopped on the scale, much to my dismay, I was at 182. That's a four pound weight GAIN since the last time I actually weighed in on a Wednesday. So what gives? Why the sudden stall/gain? Idk. I don't feel like I've been doing anything differently, and I definitely know what and how to eat, so why is it not coming off like it should? I guess this is all just part of the process, and I had a lot of beginners luck, but it's frustrating to say the least.

I knew things would taper off eventually, but I didn't expect it to be so abrupt and all up in my face. I guess part of what makes it harder is that I am very vocal about all of this, heck, I put it out here for the world to see, and that's part of what I love about the whole process. I just feel like my expectations for myself are and have been so high, that I've made everyone else's expectations just as high, and when I gain I completely internalize it and beat myself up for it. I'm trying to take it in stride and realize that not every week is going to be as monumental as I want it to be, and that it's okay to have gained 4 pounds in a couple of weeks.

Magan and I are going to the Y tonight and by gosh I'm going to run on that treadmill. No more walking for me. And I'm going to bust my butt on the machines, and push myself to do more than just my 15 reps. 20 if I can stand it. Can you tell I've been watching Biggest Loser? ;) I'm so annoyed with my belly fat, hips and thighs just like every woman, but I feel like mine are just so prominent! The pooch just won't go away and the flab of my thighs makes me feel like they're still bigger than they should be. Soo, more toning is definitely in my future. Woe is me. Woe is my gender.

This week started out pretty hard. I found out that, yet again, God called upon an angel that to us, seemed too soon. Ryan DesNoyers passed away Monday morning. He was the father of Lagan and Dallas, who are two of the sweetest children I know. He had been married to Bahnie who is one of the strongest women I know and I've known him as long as I've known the Strand clan. He was always fun to be around, and he was able to put me in my place when I needed it. He was Laura's big brother and treated her friends just as well. I never had to worry when Ryan was around, if anyone messed with me, he'd take care of them. It's going to be a long road for Bahnie and the kids to get over this, but I know how strong they are and I know that with their families, they will be okay.

I feel like God has faced me with a lot of death and loss in my life thus far for a reason. Well, I've always known that, but it's just now becoming more clear.

I'm a best friend to many, and a friend to most. I'm someone who will trust you after our first heart to heart and will be loyal to you until you, Heaven forbid, betray me. I will never intentionally put you down and I will always see the best in you, even when you can't see it yourself. I will always be a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, and a judgement-free enabler if you need chocolate, wine, or a cold beer. If you're in a slump, I guarantee I can find a way to relate and empathize without just feeling sorry for you. I can give you advice to the best of my ability, and although I may not support your decisions or plans, I will never belittle them. I will never argue with you or make you feel like you're wrong.

I may forget to ask you how your day, week, or life is, but that doesn't mean I'm not interested or that I don't care. I keep an eye and ear out for all of my friends at all times, and I know when you need me, and sometimes, as luck would have it I'm able to be there. Sometimes I'm not, but that doesn't mean I'm not still here. I'm not perfect, no one is, but I'm consistent. I am loyal and although I may just fall to pieces and cry with you, I love being the one my friends come to when they just need to get it all out.

I've been caught up in a daze lately, worrying so much about my own life and my own problems and how I'm going to get out of them and through them, and I've forgotten that God needs me to help Him do His work. He needs me to be there for my friends, even if I feel like "they probably just want some alone time right now." He wants me to reach out to them and offer that strong solidarity of friendship. Those friendships where you can go days or weeks without talking and still be there for each other when it counts are the ones that you know are real.

I just hope that my legacy someday is that I was an amazing friend. I'm not one to boast, but I'd say if I've succeeded at anything thus far, it is that. I have conquered socialization. I have more friends than I know what to do with sometimes, but each of them are in my life for a reason, and now it's time for me to use my God given strength to be there for each of them, no matter what they're going through. If I could protect everyone I love from hurt, pain and suffering, I would. But that's not my job and it's not His plan. All I can do is be there for them just as I need them to be there for me sometimes, and just as they are.

That said.. I love all of my friends dearly and we've all been through some tremendous loss in our years. Unfortunately, a lot of them have hit pretty close to home for me, which scares the crap out of me, but like I said.. it's all in His plan. I've learned a couple of coping mechanisms and ways to deal with my sadness, and these are things that I am meant to pass along. They are tools I wish I never had to dust off, and especially never had to hand-down.

It sucks that these are the kinds of thought processess we have only after death hits close to home. It's like hearing a story on the news and realizing, oh, crap, that may possibly happen to me sometime. Are all my ducks in a row? Are all my chapters closed? If the world ended tomorrow would I have told everyone I loved them? Probably not. But that's okay. Maya Angelou said it best: “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

I love my family and friends more than anything, and I am so grateful everyday for all of the support and the pushes you each have given me. You make it worth putting my heart on the line and spilling my guts in this silly little blog each week because even when I get down on myself, y'all don't, and I thank you for that. Thank you for reminding me that I look amazing, especially on days when I wake up late and forget to put on makeup... but if you don't work with me, you don't even know that ;)

NMW,

<3

WIW took a vacay!

This past week was full of excitement! Between appointments and vacations, dull moments have been few and far between. However, WIW has also taken a bit of a hiatus! I left my scale (maybe subconsciously...) at my parent's house last week hence I wasn't able to weigh in then! As luck would have it, it didn't occur to me until this morning that the scale has made itself a permament resident of my old bathroom at "home!"

I swear I'm not sabatoging my WIW posts intentionally, but it's given me some insight and time to reflect on just how obsessed I have become with that darn thing. It made me sad when I realize that it's was not there this morning, not because I was eager to see how many pounds I packed on during vacation (jk.. I hope!) but because I know how many of you look forward to tracking my progress and I absolutely hate to disappoint you faithful Weigh in Wednesday Weight Watching Warriors (say that 10x fast.... go ahead.. I can't even do it in my brain!)

I know it's not all about the numbers... but to an extent it is! How would I know how far I have come if not for the numbers?? And how would I attain my goals if not for the numbers? If I just quit caring how much I lost when people started telling me I looked amazing, I would've quit long ago! But I've still got so far to go and so much to lose - and gain in the process. I would be happy with another 40-50 pounds whereas my surgeon said Friday he's happy with where I am but that ultimately 15 more pounds would be great.

Say what?? I got this! I lost 14 pounds since my last visit - albeit harder and harder each week to lose, I still lost that much in like 10 weeks which is awesome! Go me! But it's so easy to get sucked into the mentality of "I have to make it to this number.. I just can't go on if I don't, I will disappoint so many people who are rooting for me!" but then, I realize, that I have a powerful tool. I have an aid to help me and I have every source to utilize as well as an army of supporters, and it literally gets me through everyday.

I'm kinda of in a blah mood today just because I had such a wonderful vacation that it's hard to get back into the swing of things! Plus, I may or may not have enjoyed quite a few sweets over the long weekend and am now feeling a bit guilty about that.. but hey, that's just one of those bumps along the road and to think of myself as a bad person for eating too much chocolate.. having that piece of key lime pie.. or the delectable birthday goodies for Jay's bday, would be ridiculous! I'm not a big sweets person, so I'm kind of glad I let myself indulge a little bit. Sweets are sometimes good for the soul - in moderation of course ;)

On the way to and from the beach, I read aloud Beth Moore's book, "So Long Insecurity." A lot of which I could relate directly to, and some of which, she went on tangents and I got completely lost! What I gained from it though, is that we are perfect in God's eyes. He made us this way and whether or not we think we are perfect is not up to us to judge. It is also not up to us to judge others and size ourselves up to them. This is something I've struggled with and been guilty of for years. But then again, we all have. It'd be downright foolish for any woman to say that she doesn't give another the once over the first time she meets or sees another woman, and somehow rank herself against the other to determine the level of threat or non-threat this woman may pose.

I love love love my friends, but I'll be the first to tell you that they are all beautiful and it's hard to be somewhat self conscious around them because I hold them all on such a pedestal. Not because I think of myself as inferior (okay, maybe I do) but because I just love my girls so much and I think they are all so pretty and special in their own way - not to mention, most of them are at least 5 sizes smaller than me ;) But what I do know is that each and every one of them has had their confidence tested. If not by other women, which may be the worst possible form, then by men. Men who belittled them and made them feel like they weren't accomplishing their full worth - which is BS because I know better!

It makes me happy when they do find ones that constantly build them up (and gives me hope!) and even happier when they marry those beau's! But on the other hand, it it absolutely breaks my heart when my friends come to me with their heart in their hands and I don't have enough glue in the world to repair the damage those stupid boys have done. I have been in their shoes and I can't say that I'm not still guilty of exposing myself to harmful and hurtful situations, but what I can say is that I've gotten to a point with myself that I no longer allow them or me to beat my heart to a bloody pulp. Instead of wearing it on my sleeve, it's tucked back inside my chest, just where it belongs. And that's where it shall remain until some lucky man decides he's ready to place it in a glass case on a tall shelf right near the pedestal he places me on!

This weekend while at the beach, I took a huge leap in the direction of confidence building. Being that it was definitely the last time this year that I'll be at the beach during bathing suit season (and because I literally forgot my tankini top at home) I donned a BIKINI at the beach. I kid you not! Luckily, where we were there weren't really any 20-somethings.. mostly retirees and cute little families.. but none the less, I went out in PUBLIC! And guess what? No one cared! They didn't point and laugh at me like they did in my anxiety induced daydreams.. they merely enjoyed the pool, the hot tub or the beach and carried on about their sun bathing. And my biggest critics, my parents, even told me I looked great and had nothing to worry about! Whew!

I was super anxious about being in a bikini in front of my dad.. because like it or not, I'm still his baby girl! But he took one look and chimed right in with the peanut gallery and stated himself that I looked great. High five Papa Page. :) It warmed my heart... as did the hot tub I quickly jumped in to avoid too much exposure!

I'm coming along in this journey of finding myself and my new self, and it's taken a lot of energy but somehow I feel like I've lost touch with too many people in the process. I'm not sure why that is, but it's not intentional and it's something I want to change. My heart hurts when I think about how long it's been since I've chatted with my best friend, Erin, to catch up until our next heart to heart. It pains me to think of how long it's been since Brookie and I have sat on the porch and talked until the wee hours of the morning about anything and everything. It saddens me how much the kids have grown since the last time I had a girls night with Lala and/or B. It devastates me that it's so hard to find time just to get together with Steph even if it's just for a wax/hair color. I hate to think that Kylie doesn't know every detail of my life like she should and that she can't be here to let me comfort her and vise versa during those hard days.

Then there are those that I talk to or see on a regular basis, who I still feel like I don't have that intimate closeness with that I once did. It's not because of them or me or anything really, it's just that we're growing up. I live a busy life and their schedules are just as demanding. There was a time when we could spend everyday at each others houses after school or on the weekends, but now they are filled with cleaning, paying bills and tending to families or just to ourselves.

People always say "when did we grow up and how do we make it stop?" but I'm not sure that's what I want. I don't want to stop growing up and learning as I go, and experiencing new things and gaining responsibility. What I do want is to appreciate each day and to make time for people as much as possible. I want to have that carefree spirit that I have had for most of my life but I realize that I have to let part of that go in order not to drown in the real world. It's hard finding a balance, but I guess that's just what life is all about.. finding balance. I should appreciate that I have only myself to tend to for now, but sometimes, especially recently, that proves to be a full time job in and of itself.

I will make every effort to update my weight progress ASAP, but my forgetful mind doesn't always help the cause ;)

I still continue to notice physical changes and that's what's most important! One of my very favorite things to do is try on clothes that used to be tight and toss them in the ever-growing pile of "things that are too big to keep wearing and need to be given away or taken to Goodwill." It's a fun game me, myself and I play. And I am eternally grateful that I am such a stingy shopper because I don't feel one bit guilty about the money I spent on those clothes - because no doubt they were picked from the clearance rack at an outlet store!

I hope you guys aren't too mad at me for not weighing in this Wednesday, but as you see, I have no shortage of words and thoughts on which to weigh in!

NMW,

<3

Also:

I finally figured out how to do side by side pictures of the ones I posted last week - yay!

WIW Wearing pants from High School!

Weigh in Wednesdayyyyy comes to you with joy today! I will be completely honest, I did not weigh myself this morning! Omg, I know. Uber fail. Problem was that I did not have my scale at the condo this morning because I've been kind of all over the place lately! My apologies, weight watchers! But I can just about guarantee there's been no change... mayyyybe a pound? I'll check/update this tomorrow morning!

So this week... hmm... it's been kind of a blur! There's been a LOT going on in my life but not necessarily all bad things. A lot of challenges but also a few steps in the right direction of growth and well being!

Last Wednesday my roommate/bestie Magan and I went to First Assembly for their evening service. It wasn't what I expected as it was mostly directed towards the youth, but the message was good, and we felt so much better when we left... I think we left a lot of baggage in that pew! And then we went home and both went to bed rather than going to Mossy's as we usually would on any given Wednesday. A shift in lifestyle is something I've been craving for a while. I'm going to try to find different Wednesday night services to try around the community, and just feel things out until I find something that suits me! Especially with being out of town every weekend (which I love!) I can't exactly attend Sunday services as I'd like, quite yet!

Speaking of being out of town, this past weekend was aaamazing! I know I rave about my nephew a lot, but seriously... he's the bestttt. He has no idea how much power his smile and giggle hold, but he really makes me feel like there is hope for the world. He's going to take it by storm when he grows up! My sister and Jay took me along with them to Hilton Head for a wedding which just happened to be at a gorgeous resort! We stayed with some of their friends who were all so fun and didn't make me and G feel like the 7th & 8th wheels at all :) He and I got to spend lots of quality time together while the "adults" attended functions and the wedding itself. We even made it out to the pool both days - he's so so precious and I wouldn't have wanted to spend my weekend any other way or place!

So I've been going through a lot of "tough stuff" lately and thankfully, God is bringing me through it day by day. It's so nice to have so many friends who are there to listen and to support me everyday, but some things you just have to take to the professionals. I went to meet with my psychologist, Dr. Jeff Smith, who is the same one I have seen throughout the whole surgery process. He's on Fuzz's team and there's a reason for that! He made me realize that a lot of what was going on in my head was completely self imposed. I was beating myself up for things beyond my control, yet controllable by me.

I recently quit drinking alcohol. This was something I intended to do/maintain before and after surgery - for at least a year, I said. But I didn't hold up my end of the bargain. I started losing weight but it wasn't fixing everything, so I fell back on my promise to myself, and got back in the mentality that I needed to drink to deal with my problems... I know my family history on both sides and this was not a wise choice on my part. But, I was doing what I do best, by dealing with things the best way I knew how. Even though I have been reaffirming my faith, I still have some kinks to work out - drinking is/was one of them. I don't think I'm a bad person for drinking, nor do I think anyone who drinks is! What I do think is that I was a binge drinker - have been ever since college, heck, high school. I thought it made me more fun, more sociable, more confident. Really it was just a crutch for me, and half of my friends will tell you I'm really not much fun when I'm drunk. Quite annoying if they're sober!

What I've also come to find is that I'm not wired like everyone else. If I were, what would be the fun in that? But what I mean is that I was born with a gene that would love for me to be a full fledged alcoholic. It's a gene enables me to drink a lot more than others without feeling completely wasted or feeling like "I'm fine." I'm not blaming anything on my lineage, my lap band, or anyone at all. I'm blaming it on the cards I was dealt. It was in the cards for me to find pleasure in drinking. Why wasn't I one of those people who can't stand the taste of alcohol? Who knows... but what I do know is that I have the ability to change my habits and my lifestyle. I haven't drank in a week & 1/2, but I can't say that I haven't missed it every once in a while.

I just need to get things in check and stop trying to numb my pain with things like alcohol. Up until this point I have been very much stuck in the college mentality, as have a lot of my single friends. As Jeff pointed out, there's really not much to do around here if you're single other than... go to the bar! It's quite sad, but busying myself with other activities should help. Andd going out of town every weekend is definitely helping! I don't have to wonder what I might be missing out on because I'm not just sitting at home twiddling my thumbs :) I also realize that alcohol contains empty calories and that I can probably blame a good portion of my "plateau" weeks on that alone. Sad, but true.

But, enough about that! How about some good things?? This morning as I was walking in the building, my boss's boss and a supervisor were standing there talking and just as they thought I was out of earshot one said "She's just so sweet!" and the other said "she really is!" It was just so nice to hear them say that, since I have had so much more interaction with them now than I did before. It just tickled me pink!

I have my appointment with Fuzz this Friday and I'm suuuper excited about that. I may regret it later, but I really think I'm ready for a fill. I just don't feel quite as restricted in my eating as I think I probably should. Maybe I'm just getting used to it? Idk! But I look forward to hearing what he has to say! Jeff was quite impressed with my progress, and once again, shocked at how well I've done in just 6 months. He said in 17 pounds I will have reached their 2-3 year goal for me. He also said that if my results were the norm, there would be no need for advertisement by the Lap Band company ;)

I've posted pictures from March, June and September (last night) and you can see what I mean when I say, the numbers don't matter to me as much anymore. I can really, really, tell a difference now in how I look! Even just in the past 3 months when the pounds have been coming off slower... they're still coming off and the transformation is happening whether I realize it week to week or not! It's insane to me but I am so super proud of myself and my progress, and I just can't help but be determined to get to my goal asap! I want to be there by May for Andrea's wedding. At first I thought that I wouldn't get there for a couple of years... but now I'm thinking I'll be pretty dang close by then!

Holly and I went to the Y last night.... yeah.... I haven't mentioned it in a while because I was pretty embarassed that I haven't been going as regularly! I could blame it on so many things, but really I was just being lazy and superr tired after work and not really feeling like doing anything but reading my book or doing anything but work out! But once again, I'm sucked in! It's just so stress relieving!

I was AMAZED... amazed I tell you! By the fact that I did not break a sweat during my first 10 minutes on the treadmill. All that walking/slight jogging can be credited for that! And then, I was even more shocked that I barely broke a sweat doing all the machines in my usual routine! And that's not all folks... I also didn't sweat profusely after that workout during the second 10 minutes on the treadmill. I kid you not! I used to be a sweaty messss when I got done. Like, a hot mess. But I got back to the condo last night and the first thing I said to Magan was: "Look at me!" She immediately said, "OMG, you're not sweaty!!!" How awesome is that? Maybe I've hit the magic number of sweat-be-gone? We shall see.. that'd be super fabulous, because if you know me, you know how much I hateee it!

Regardless, I love the results that all the massive amounts of sweat, little bit of blood, and superfluous amount of tears have accomplished! I am so glad that I made the decision to have this procedure and I have yet to regret doing so. I just need to tweak some things and focus more on my faith and religion and all those good things, and the rest will fall into place as it should!

NMW,

<3

WiW! Be The Change...

Today's WIW is exciting in so many ways. I've lost 3 pounds... count 'em... 1.. 2.. 3 pounds this week! That puts me at 178. 13 pounds away from my first goal of 165. Say whaaaat? That's an amazing feeling. I've never in my life reached a weight loss goal that I've had set for me, but by George I WILL make it to this one and keep going!

So... my life has been somewhat in a tailspin this past week. My mind has been going a million different directions and God has put some things on my plate that I know He knows I can handle. Sometimes I'm not sure why He trusts me so much. These things are a true test of my ability to fully rely on Him. I'm not going to go into detail for my own privacy's sake, but I ask that you understand when I say that if you are a person who believes in prayer, include me in yours daily.

All I know is that I'm on the right path right now. I can finally see parts of my purpose clearly and although it's going to take a longg time for me to even begin to say that I am a good Christian again, I know what I need to do to prepare myself for His plans for me. The next few weeks, months, even years, are going to be strenuous but I feel like He's going to use me to change the lives of others. The lives of just one, even if I don't know them, would be enough. My hope is that I will use my experiences and my mistakes and my past to help someone see that all hope is not lost. That someone still believes in them and still thinks they are salvagable.

That's what my friend Ashley Teague did for me. She showed me that God still loves me no matter what (NMW <3, I just knew this would come full circle!), just with a simple conversation that she probably thought would bear little weight... little did she know it was exactly the conversation I needed to have. I've said recently that I'm not quite ready to go back to church, however, during our conversation she mentioned something called God Encounters at her church, Calvary Baptist, that was getting ready to start back up. This consists of a group of women that come together for song, worship and to listen to speakers give their testimony, tell their story, simply be women, be sisters and help others to know that they're not alone.

That's where we went last night. We listened to two amazing women tell their stories, and although their lives seem almost perfect now based on the American Dream, they struggled to get there. They weren't just born perfect Christians with amazing lives. They are still works in progress and will be their entire lives. As will I. I was bawling by the end of it and I wasn't the least bit embarassed because I had a best friend right beside me to comfort me just as God intended.

I'm also a work in progress with my weight, I'm a work in progress with my lifestyle, I'm a work in progress with my faith and I'm a work in progress with my attitude towards life, people, my family, my friends, my God. I am never going to be perfect even if I am the perfect weight for my height, by medical and societal standards. I'm still going to make mistakes because that's what God intends for me to do. He has a tendancy to make Himself seen in the most unlikely ways. His reason for things is almost never clear in the present, but as Ash and I talked about last night, hindsight is always 20/20 and everything really does happen for a reason.

I'm glad I learn the hard way and I'm glad that I have to reach a certain point or hit some brick wall in order to learn a lesson. Why? Because any other way I wouldn't learn. Don't get me wrong, I'm a good kid and I was raised well. I have been blessed beyond what I sometimes believe I deserve, but I've never, a day in my life, gone without being grateful. I can be a brat sometimes, but can't we all? I'm my Daddy's little girl, and I'm God's little girl, and I will be my whole life. I'm ok with that. But what I'm not okay with is learning lessons and keeping them to myself. One of these days I'll spill my guts about everything I've learned, to the public eye. But this is neither the time nor the place for such.

I'll take what I've learned and I'll share it with my friends. I'll plead with them not to make the same mistakes I have. Not to put themselves in situations that their hearts tell them are going to lead them down the wrong path. That just because they've won a battle, it doesn't mean they've won a war. Everyday is a war against ourselves and a war against all evil. I don't want to come off as righteous by any means, but I do want to come off as someone who has been there, done that, got that t-shirt and doesn't want anyone else I love or care about to feel that pain.

I want to keep my friends around as long as possible and I want them to know that no matter what they chose to do with their lives I will stand by them and support them, as long as they're not in prison ;) But maybe even then, because that's just the type of person I am. I'm scared of where life may have led me had I continued down the wrong path. It's kind of like my weight... if I had kept gaining 10 pounds a year and not gotten control, I may have been dead by 50. Who knows.

If I kept letting bad outweigh good, I could've wound up dead by 30. That's what scares me. I had to make a change for myself. I still have a lot of changes to make. I'm still scared. I'm almost scared of what being a good Christian entails. I know that sounds ridiculous, but if it means that other people will look to me for guidance and for an example to follow, goodness, that's a lot of pressure! I'm not quite ready for all of that. But luckily I know that I'm not expected to have all the answers or don a halo at all times. I'm only expected to try and be the most outstanding Christian by my own definition as possible.

I hope that God will help me through all that I'm going through and with the amazing family and close friends that I have, I know He will. I have no doubt whatsoever in Him. I'm turning the page on that life I led for many, many years, and I'm finally letting Him pull me out of the pit life threw me in. It's hard to surrender to anyone, but it's harder to be prisoner to yourself.

NMW,

<3

This song means more to me than most, and I lovee songs. Corey Smith is dear to my soul and while most of his songs aren't very deep ;) this one really strikes a chord in me. This is what I strive to be for those in my life:

Carry the world on your shoulders, for a little while,
Put on someone else shoes, and walk around.
So many cups a runneth over, while so many goin dry
The grass ain't always green on the other side.
There's still a lot of work to be done,
A lot of wrongs to right, a lot of battles to be won.
If you can be the change you wanna see,
Be the hope to those who lives are far from easy.
Reach out and lend a hand, share everything you can,
And be the change, be the change.

WIW!

Weigh in Wednesday here we are again!

This week I've shed another pound. Which puts me at 181! Which also puts me at 80% of where my doctors expect me to be... overall. But I'm only 6 months out! Wahbam! I'm incredibly proud of myself for making it this far so quickly. It's taken a lottt of perserverence and determination, but I've done it and I'm at a really good place with myself right now.

I'm finally finding peace with who I am in with who I want to be. I've figured myself out and in the process, if you've read my letter to myself, you know I'm trying to find my faith again. I always knew something would lead me back to God, but I didn't know how, when or why. I've tried many a time to go back to church or to find a new church, but I still haven't gotten to that point. I'm not sure when I will, but right now, I'm just praying a lot and hoping that He leads me to a good new church home eventually. I'm in no rush, I'm just reading a lot and getting inspired by the words of some amazing Christian authors.

So far I've delved into one by Max Lucado, "God Came Near" which personifies God in a more tangible way. Less as a "gray matter" and more as a "best friend whose face you can see and whose shoulder you can lean on." That's what I've been missing. It's taken me a while to realize what was missing and I feel silly for even admitting that it took me this long to come to terms with what I already knew in my heart. There was a hole that has been there for several years, and I'm ready to fill that void with His unconditional, requited love. I have every knowledge and faith that He will help me to become whole one day at a time.

I'm also trying to figure out what my calling is in this life. I've always said I want to "work with people, helping people." And although I do love love love that I am able to help people at my job, I feel that I'm meant to be more interactive. More faces, less papers. I see myself staying here for a while, but not forever. I think my heart has always been and always will be in Education and that is something I am going to start doing research on, and praying about. I don't know where it will lead me, but something tells me that I'd be much happier and fulfilled as an Elementary teacher. I feel I missed my calling, and I think that's because I doubted myself and my capabilities in college. I regret that now, but I forgive myself for that, and I know that with this confidence I can do much more than I ever thought possible.

I've always been more capable than I give myself credit for and that is something that I'm working out. I honestly never thought that I could lose weight. I just saw myself gaining 10 pounds a year for my whole life. How sad is that?? I had given up. I had lost faith in myself, in my strength, in God and in.. well.. everything! Without those things, who was I? Just a 25 year old girl, tryin to get by. Granted, I've done a LOT of things in my life. I've traveled the world, I've graduated from an excellent University, I've bought my own condo, I've loved, I've had my heart broken, I've broken hearts, and I've made differences in many lives. But all of those things mean nothing when you're not fully fulfilled. As Beth Moore (another amazing author whose book I'm currently reading) would say, I've been living in a "pit."

I've noticed how my weight loss has effected so many people. In a previous blog I wondered how long it would take for people to notice.... well, the magic number, I'll have you know, is 50 pounds. Not that they weren't noticing before, but dude, they really know somethings up now! Most people ask, what gives?? And they are intensely intrigued when I explain that I had Lap-Band surgery. It gives me no greater joy than to answer their numerous questions or to guide them in the direction of Dr. Fernandez, e-mailing them website information, insurance information, anything I can get my hands on that they may need. I've done this for a handfull of people and each time it makes me feel so hopeful for them and it brings me such happiness to have been able to help. Whether they pursue the surgery or not, they know that there's hope for them and that they're not alone. They can always come back to me for support and advice and just a shoulder to cry on if nothing else.

If I can make this kind of impact on people with my physical changes, I can only imagine what this spiritual journey will bring. I look forward to the day when I am so contently happy that they ask me what gives? I'll tell them I found my purpose in life and I found my place in this universe. I'll tell them it all started when I reaffirmed my faith in God. I won't force it on them, just as I would never recommend to someone that they should have Lap-Band surgery.. it's just not my place to say that!

What I will do is give them all the resources I can get my hands on. The books I've read, the words that have opened my heart again to a life that I abandoned many moons ago. If they ask what promted it, I'll tell them I got to a point where I realized I needed help. I couldn't go on like this. That I cried by myself before I realized that the one person who I could turn to besides my parents or my sister, who would never turn their back on me, was God. That I cried on His shoulder that night in September as I read a simple book and He embraced me like a best friend, like a parent, like a sibling. I'll tell them it was eerily similar to the night I broke down to my Mom and relinquished my rights to a life full of dieting.

With that said, I'm not saying I'm going to change. Sure, mentally and spiritually I will. But that's just within me. These things have nothing to do with my personality and just like my uplifted confidence, I'm certain these changes in my soul will continually bring a genuine smile to my face and help me to maintain the happy go lucky attitude that I try to maintain... although sometimes I find myself in the "pit." I hope to find that I will eventually be able to come off of my anxiety medicine - which, mind you, would be the very last prescription I am currently taking! I hope that I can let go of things enough not to stress out about them. I hope that I can trust that I can hand them over and have faith that everything will work out just the way it should.

My sister reminded me last night that one of her favorite quotes is: "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." ~ Max Ehrmann's "Desiderata"
And, being the little sister copycat that I am, I, of course, lovee this quote as well! My Mom shared "Desiderata" with us, and has for years. It was a poster in her college dorm room which is absolutely fitting! If you haven't read it I encourage you to do so: http://www.lordtonymackenzie.com/desiderata.html

If there's anything this weight loss journey has taught me it's that sometimes things are beyond our control. Sometimes we have to let the Doctors do their jobs, we have to let our friends give us advice, we have to turn to our parents when we're scared, we have to surround ourselves with laughing babies who give us "monkey hugs," we have to remember that we have an amazing God. Whether or not we're willing to take that into consideration is, however, in our control. I hate cliches but the one thing that has been running on a continuous loop in my brain, with good reason, is one that speaks volumes to me and has really opened my eyes:

"Let go and let God."

Okay so now that I feel like I just gave my entire testimonial, I hope that y'all don't think I've gone off the deep end ;) Quite a change of pace for me huh? But honestly, this is the point of my blog. This is my diary that I've opened up to the entire world. Which is clear to me as everyday I'm astonished to see the different countries from which people have read this blog! Ecuador is the only random country that makes any sense, b/c my best friend was there on a trip a couple of months ago. But the cool thing is that now you can see "stats" including how many times your blog has been read, what country they were in, and what the source was that brought them to your blog. Nothing as big brother as knowing exactly who was reading it, but veryy cool to think that someone in Denmark of all places has come upon my posts just today! I think that's just awesome!!!

Speaking of different countries, part of what has helped me to get to this peaceful place was a simple chat that left a lasting impact on my heart. I was chatting with my sweet cousin Frances who is my age but lives in Bermuda, therefore we haven't seen in other in yearsss since I've been there and haven't been able to grow up together as much as we would've liked! Although we've tried to meet up while she's been in the states, something always got in my way. Well, thanks to this blog, she's been keeping up with all of my progress, all of my ups and downs, and has cheered me along the way. To me, my cousin was always some figment (a mere product of mental invention; a fantastic notion) not of my imagiation, because I knew full and well she was real :) But as some character living in a fairytale land on a tropical island where everything is grand and everything is magnificent.

Thanks to Facebook, we were able to have a wonderful "heart to heart" as I love to call them. Come to find out, our lives are very similar. Although physically we are polar opposites, she being tall, skinny, exotic and gorgeous, me being short, plump, ordinary and gorgeous ;) we are so similar in our mindsets and how we deal with things. We've both been hurt more than we'd like to remember by guys we'd like to forget. We've both experienced the loss of loved ones and we've both turned to God in our darkest days. I didn't feel the least bit like I should hold anything back from her, as if we'd been best friends for years. That one chat will be one of many to come, I'm sure of it!

I am so incredibly blessed to have family around the world and even more blessed to have so many people not only in my everyday life but who I may not even know from Adam who are rooting for me and cheering me on. It's an incredible feeling to know that people care so much, and if I could thank each one of you personally, I would, and I hope that I do as often as possible. It would sound like more of an award speech and I've still got a ways to go before I hit the finish line... but I may have a trophy made for myself when I do reach my goal. Justtt jokingggg!

I've been super busy today doing 3 different jobs.. ask and you shall receive :) But having written most of this on my lunch break, and coming back to it periodically, I'm not sure how well this flows... oh well! :) I must apologize for the long-winded entries the past couple of days... I've just got a lot on my mind!

NMW,
<3